Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hate to be corrected

When DS2.5 misbehaves, we usually make him apologizes to the offended parties and tell him that�s not an acceptable behavior.

Lately, he would cry hysterically after he apologizes as if he is physically hurt.

Most people don�t like to be corrected, but is it a little much to take criticism so harshly?

Seems normal to me.
For alternative Parenting for the 'highly intense' child - try
Lisa Bravo's 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook.'

The trick is to not only catch him doing good, but to create opportunities for him to behave well and make a very big deal about it. Do this about 100 times more than you think any child 'should' need. Then make misbehaving very boring - yes you must say 'No' but 'go inside you and regroup' is about right for most of a 2.5 year old's crimes.

Smiles,
Grinity

Thanks Grinity.

I bought the book (not the workbook) already. I just need to sit myself down and finish the darn thing. I have multiple books that I have started but not finished, and Transforming the Difficult Child is one of them.

It's funny that you wrote this is normal because my mom keeps telling me that DS is nothing like her children or other grandchildren.

Hmmm, are you certain he understands what he did wrong and why it was wrong and what would have been a better way of handling it?

I used the word "unacceptable" many times on my DD over the years before she finally broke down once and explained to me how much she hated that word. I learned that most of the time she really didn't know why her transgression was wrong and she just began to internalize that we found her to be unacceptable :-(.

I think Grinity's advice above is excellent.

Oops, I missed your post...now I wish I hadn't deleted my last sentence...something like:

My DD was recently diagnosed with AS and I now understand that even though her high intelligence would make you think otherwise, she really needed to have some things explained that would be obvious to most of us. I.e. why sometimes it is not acceptable to make a factual statement (if it could hurt someone's feelings).

Even if it is not your intent he may be feeling shamed and confused. A lot of what two year olds do "wrong" comes from either not understanding or not having the impulse control to avoid an offense. He gets he upset you but that doesn't mean he's better able to avoid it next time.

You may find it works better to positive phrase what you want to happen and make sure he understand it. Instead of "stop throwing the ball at the baby and say you are sorry. "The ball goes outside, do you want to put it outside or should I." Instead of "don't hit the dog" "the dog wants gentle pats, show me your gentle pats."

I see a lot more downsides to forced apologies that benefits. I think part of why so many adults really struggle with apologies is they associated them with shame they felt as a young child forced to apologize when they didn't even understand what went wrong.

And, I agree with the suggestion that a lot of it is about prevention. If you post some specific stuff you are having trouble with I bet people will be able to come up with more concrete suggestions.

Some examples:

� Warned DS ahead of time that it�s bedtime after one last book. When it�s time, he tried to hit DH. DH told him to go to bed, and he had a crying fit.
� After telling DS not to suck on his thumb, he tried to hit me. I told him to apologize, and he did and cried.

I just started explain to him afterward why those behaviors are not desirable (e.g. it hurts people's hurting, it hurts people physically, etc). I did ask him why he cry, but he couldn't articulate the reason and just keep reiterate that he cried.

I agree with ptp. My daughter was physically unable to apologise until recently (she just couldn't get the words out), she was so sensitive to our disapproval of whatever the action was that she was completely overwhelmed (and she didn't always understand why it would be necessary). We turned it on its head much as Potatoes has suggested. More recently (she's now 5.5)she seems ok with it and we've started talking in more detail about why an action might warrant an apology (and not just about her own actions, but characters in books and so on). She now apologises quite readily (though she rarely has cause to).

DD's preschool teacher once said to me that she never forces kids to apologise to each other because it takes all the meaning away from it (particularly if your forced to apologise and you don't understand why and/or genuinely don't feel you should have to). Instead she felt it was much more important for adults to model appropriate apologies.

I think too that that age is hard for gifted kids. Their asynchrony is so great - with heightened awareness but very limited understanding or experience re their emotional responses.

Best of luck!

I'd go with prevention first if you haven't done it already. The same number of books each night. A routine chart on the wall with a picture of the routine - picture of toothbrush, picture of PJs, picture of two books, etc. The more it is routine the more he will know what to expect. Try to start the routine early enough that he's not overtired.

In response to the hit, I'd encourage daddy to say "hitting hurts, gentle touches please" and offer him a chance to do over. I would also really encourage acknowledging his feelings "it is hard when you are tired."

At some point with a two year old I would acknowledge in your head when they are that tired all bets are off. They certainly aren't going to learn anything when they are in that state of exhaustion and big negative reactions from you may just be throwing fuel on the fire. Same goes when he's bawling from apologizing that's a sure sign he's upset and he's not learning from it. He might have about as much control over that as he'd have over throwing up.


� After telling DS not to suck on his thumb, he tried to hit me. I told him to apologize, and he did and cried.

The thumb is a huge source of comfort. Think about what you find most comforting - perhaps cuddling with your husband or baby? If somebody just came in and told you to stop it how much you react? Sure you probably wouldn't hit someone because you are a grown up, but what if you were two?

I'd start by really thinking through this decision. Does the thumb have to go? Why? What is it worth to you? The difficulty with stopping the thumb is that unless he sleeps in your bed and you are going to remain vigilant staying up all night he's likely still going to do it. So, what has really been accomplished by setting a limit that you can't stick with? Is there an alternative?

What we did around that age with the pacifier was to make a rule it only allowed in two places - bed or the calm down spot. That allowed the child to keep the comfort source but made it clear there was a time and place for it. It was really helpful in our situation in encouraging the child to develop a habit of taking a break when he was overwhelmed (instead of hitting or having a meltdown).

If you wanted to go with that plan I'd present it as a cheerful thing having him help you create a calm spot (maybe a bean bag chair, a stuffed toy, blanket, books or whatever) and then when the thumb goes in the mouth you can cheerfully say "Looks like you need to calm down, where's your spot?" That way you aren't running the risk he's talking with it in his mouth but he's still getting the comfort he needs and he's starting to learn other ways to self comfort too.
In time that can transition to losing the thumb if you need to.

Those are just a few ideas, take what makes sense leave the rest.

I don't think he needs to apologize for 'almost hitting' you - even if you 'helped' him not to hit you.
Then again, I'm not into the 'forced apology' thing. I'd rather say something like, "I see from your sad face that you are thinking "I'm sorry I hit you Mommy" ' that way you are teaching the desired behavior without a big lecture, in a way that isn't adding insult to fury.

As for thumb sucking, I was very luck that my son didn't suck his, but I would take a very good look at 'why' you are telling him not to suck his thumb in the first place... it's his thumb, and I promise that if you understood the stress a 2.5 year old giftie goes through in a single day, you'd be offering your own thumb.

At 2.5 it's great that you are giving him 'warnings' about what is coming up, but I would be very careful about getting emotionally involved if he can or can't make use of the warnings. Hitting is your son's way of showing that he doesn't like what is going on. Don't let him hit you, but this isn't a sign of your bad parenting or his internal badness - it's just what he does when he is angry. Praise every time he uses gental hands, and every time he uses his words. If he yells "I don't want to go to bed" that is a big step forward and you can praise that he didn't hit. If he shows the slightest hesitation in hitting - you can praise his self control.

As smart as he is, he won't be good for much when he is emotionally 'hijacked' - and if you look around at most adults, we are the same way. And as smart as he is, you can 'trick him' into behaving with more and more self control, co-operation, emotional strength by pointing out all the ways he already has those qualities.

Parenting is a very yucky job at times. I don't like having to give orders, or being disobeyed. You are posting here - which means that you are a caring parent, sensitive to your child, who wants things to go well - good for you! You have the 'Transforming book' already - great first step. Take your pure frustration and hold it inside you for a minute and turn it into an energy source to up your parenting skills. Go determination. Go Sensitivity. Go Mom!

Smiles,
Grinity