We went to our local gifted conference and heard the heads of local HG schools talk about their programs. When asked what was the best part of the schools, each included in their response that the kids get to be with other kids that are like them.

I went on a tour of one of the schools, and I got teary-eyed; there were classrooms full of kids just like my DS6. They work one year ahead on curriculum, and at a faster pace so they get to do all kinds of neat extra stuff that there isn't time for in a regular classroom.

DS6 is currently in our local public school, grade-skipped one grade with additional acceleration for math/LA. The school is doing its best with him, but they aren't set up to deal with kids like him, and there aren't other kids like him, at least not that I know of. The grade skip plus the year ahead/faster pace at the HG school looked like a perfect fit for DS right now.

Of course, the catch is that there might not be space for DS next year. Oh - and it would mean a 45 minute drive each way (but it's close to my work, so not so bad for me). But it just seemed so perfect; I wish he could go right now.

Just curious - how have others felt about the importance of intellectual peers, especially in early elementary school? Before I visited this school, and talked to these kids, I thought we would worry about peers in a few years. But now, seeing how there were herds of these kids, happily liking school because they are now challenged, reading the same books DS reads, I'm thinking it might be important now too.

It has been amazing for us. While one of my kids plays well with anyone, she does connect in a different way to gifted peers. For the other one the difference is even more marked. I really feel that it gives the kids a great benefit, not just socially but in many other ways. People comment that you have to let kids be kids; ironically, being among gifted kids lets them do that. In other environments, my dd would be the odd one that is reading the books she reads, or talks about certain things. Surrounded by similar kids, they are not marked by the reading or their advanced math...

I also love to see how their ideas grow from each other, the inventions they come up with, etc.

It has been great for DS. We had the same experience as you did, St pauli girl, on the school tour...we walked around and noted LOTS of kids "just like DS." One kid preferred to write in his journal on the carpet under a desk, and it wasn't looked down upon!!! etc, etc.

Our son is there this year, and it has been an AMAZING change from the past 2 years where DS was in the gifted program in a regular school. I really think a gifted school does make a difference in early elementary. Nan

Like most things, I think this depends on the child. IME, some kids will find a "home" in an HG school, but for various reasons, others won't find the peer group a better fit.

Pros:
1) Kids learn from one another at high levels and smart kids may teach each other a great deal.
2) Work is generally more appropriate, even if not really appropriate.
3) Quirky kids may be more accepting of quirky kids which may help social acceptance of a quirky kid.
4) Enrichment may go farther and be worth more than a typical classroom.
5) Interests are more likely to be shared with a group so a kid reading HP at 6 will other kids doing the same and can discuss interests.
6) Extracurricular activities reflect the peer group and will likely include earlier science fair, math olympiad, chess, scholastic bowl, etc.

Cons:
1) There aren't "herds" of these kids anywhere and an outlier may still be an outlier and still bored.
2) HG programs are taught by elementary teachers. I haven't met one willing to learn enough geometry or algebra or calculus to teach it to a younger elementary child.
3) Acceleration and enrichment and an HG environment doesn't fix the pacing, pacing, pacing issue.
4) Many behavior issues are often attributed to GT issues and a concentration of those kids can have a lot of behavior issues.
5) Schools have a vested interest in preventing real acceleration with the "what will happen next year?" question. Unless teachers are willing to allow a kid to progress, it's still lock-step education with more advanced peers and a more advanced curriculum.
6) Many teachers confuse more appropriate work with more work, so a kid may have much more homework at a young age in order to reach his/her mythical potential.
7) Having a GT or HG program doesn't make a school district any less rigid, bound to procedures, or inclined to make exceptions for exceptions. A flexible, reasonable HG program would be ideal, but I've never seen one.
8) What an HG program claims in presentations and what actually happens in the school may be quite different things. I'd seek info from a variety of families with direct experience of the school.

I believe there are wonderful HG programs in public schools. I'm grateful for them, but there are plenty of examples of kids alone in school districts willing to be flexible and develop what will work for a given situation. Those situations may be better than a rigid HG school. I do not believe that having HG peers solves many issues, especially in elementary school.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies, everyone. You've given me more to think about. Re: friends--DS6 has basically one friend, who he has known since birth, who likes a lot of the same things DS does. DS does not make a lot of friends in school, but he gets along with everyone. I think back to my childhood, and how I didn't meet any "soulmate" friends until I was 16 (when I met one), and then at college age. I think, "wouldn't it be nice if DS had opportunities earlier to find like-minded friends?"

I guess my other concern is that DS is a teacher pleaser. He will not complain, and he doesn't want to stand out, but he's never been excited about school. I think we could make any school situation work, but I'm thinking that DS would thrive if he were in another setting, where he wouldn't be standing out so much. But then again, next year I think they do start a cluster program in the local district. It wouldn't be an HG cluster, but it would likely be better than nothing.

I will definitely talk with families of kids in the HG school.

I think it is pretty darn important for some, my ds10 has had serious issues with not finding kids to hang with that get him. The gt program has helped and 1 or 2 kids his age seem to click with him, but his 2 best friends are 2 years older. I have skipped my dd4 into K, thankfully, and she is really making some better connections now. I did not think she had it too bad because she is pretty outgoing, but the k teacher has remarked a couple times on how much better socially she seems in this new setting than before. She would just play by herself previously.

Ds10 is decided against any of the magnet middle schools because he would have to 'start over' trying to get to know people and, again, at the regular middle school he will finally get to hang out in school with his best buddies, at least for 1 year.

Hi,
This really re-inforces the notion, for me anyways, that it isn't about "giftedness" in the other kids. This would relate to also gifted adults looking for understanding, that it isn't other gifted or not adults.

It is just the simple fact (whether gifted or not) that the other kid/adult is mature enough to be accepting of someone who is a different. For kids, I believe the parents have a big influence on that, on how their own kids behave with other children who are different.

Just a thought.

This topic made me think of my older son, age 12 ... Gifted academically and is also a very, very good athlete. He can't seem to figure out where the heck he fits in The athletes don't really accept him because he's "too smart", is in all the "academic competitions", plays piano, is sensitive, and is the only boy who plays the violin in the orchestra ... Oh, and I swear we are the only family around here who doesn't hunt. The smart kids don't really accept him because he hangs out with the "unsmart, mean, jocks" (not my wording!)It seems like he's always flip-flopping between the two "groups". Luckily he's confident enough, and does have a few close friends, but wow ... He hasn't really found an accepting, comfortable place yet, sigh. Peers, hmmm...Do any of you have this situation?

We are seeing this in pre-k. Lots of discussions with the teacher about ds socializing.
They like him and he plays with them, but they don't "get" him, he talks about things they don't understand. It makes me sad and worried. So far we haven't found any true peers and haven't yet found older kids willing to engage him. He's most happy with us, especially dh. I am so hoping this is just early rather than predictive. Fingers crossed for the gifted school options to work out for next year.

DeHe

It reminds me of something my DS said when he transitioned from rec soccer to travel soccer. He said, "All the kids are really good, they understand the game, and they keep score!" I think what he was saying that all the kids were like him. I think it is important to find some area where people "get" you, could be sports, could be music, could be art, could be academics. So much depends on the kids personality.

I found it was/is a big issue for my oldest DS. I posted a while ago about seeing him in a gifted group for the first time, and how emotional it made me! It is also the need he has that I have found the hardest to meet in any real way. The gifted group he goes to is only every three weeks or so.

We are really struggling with this. I really hope it works for you and your DS.

GeoMamma we really should get together more often. Even if the kids don't hit it off at least we know we like each other lol! When things settle down for both of us maybe.
Personally I've not found it to be a big problem for DS. Most of the 6 year olds in our homeschooling community are quirky or intense in some way. There is a love/hate relationship kind of happening between them all and they spend their time in their elaborate imaginary worlds most of the time. So for now it is ok. The main issues we've had were when he was younger (and I guess this still happens to some degree). When he was verbal and able to negotiate quiet well and the other kids would push him or hit him he found it very hard. He felt it was most unfair that HE would never resort to violence over a toy or whatever, but that other kids did, even when he did everything he knew was "right". It took a few years but by about 5 it was as if he thought "screw it, I tried talking, it doesn't work, so I'm just going to hit them back". Five was an interesting year in our house...

Spot on for us! But often because there is a level of similarity with the intensity level, they end up with a lot of spats. DS is now 7 (will be 8 in 2 months). I'm noticing he's making deeper, more co-operative type friendships, perhaps he's able to negotiate better and more calmly as he develops. This is really interesting and so heartwarming to watch. I echo the sentiments of the parents here - my heart is singing!

I've been thinking a lot about this question recently, but not as much from a friendship angle as from an instruction angle. I've begun to question the efficacy of subject/grade acceleration when it just means sending a gifted child to class with older children for more advanced content. While it is certainly better than being in class without acceleration, it seems to presume that gifted children can have their needs met through a change in "what" rather than a change in "how", kwim? This assumes that the differences are based only on level of attainment, and not on differences in how the learning has to occur.

When I originally wrote this post, I was thinking less about friendships and more about education, though both are important. DS's best friend probably wouldn't be ID'd as gifted academically, but they get along famously.

From what I hear about my DS6 in school, he is quiet and does not participate unless he's one-on-one with a teacher or in a small group setting. He is never quiet at home. I can't get him to explain to me why he's so quiet in school. He's not shy -- at our state gifted conference, he volunteered to give a presentation about his creation in a class of 3rd and 4th graders. And he volunteered to be on stage at the local university's math and science day. So then I imagine things like "he doesn't fit in here; he'd be much more active in a different setting." I don't know if that's true, though.

Hi St. Pauli girl,

My DD10 has attended a private school for the highly gifted since she was 6 yrs old. Although we don't have any experiences with public school as this was her first school experience, I can tell you that for her, this has been the ideal placement. From the first day of school it was obvious to me that she had found a place where she could be who she is. She doesn't need to apologize for being smart nor does she feel the need to hide just how smart she is. It is cool to be smart!

As for discipline, I can honestly say that all the kids in her school are respectful, kind to each other and bullying just doesn't exist. It would not be tolerated from either the teachers or the kids themselves. It is just an environment that fosters learning. I don't think that putting 20 HG kids in a class automatically results in discipline problems, on the contrary, I have found it to be the opposite.

Good luck in finding your child a placement that fits his needs.

Sorry GreenGully, I didn't see this post until now, I wasn't able to get online here yesterday. Thank you, it would be great to get together more often. Things have been crazy here! Tomorrow is my exam, then it will be back to 'normal' for a little while!

Good luck with your exam GeoMamma!

Thank you!

Looks like I came in a little late to this discussion, but I think it's an important topic and had to throw in my two cents. When I was in eighth grade I moved to a new school where they had a different testing system for the gifted program. (At that time we had a gifted teacher who taught us for two periods - English and HIstory). I had to wait half the year before I could take the test, so I was in regular classes during that time. I got along with the kids in the regular classes, and was fairly happy there, I suppose. But to be honest, I didn't realize until after I switched to the gifted classes how much I was missing. The class was smaller, and everyone respected each other even if we didn't necessarily get along all the time. That was one thing that was missing from regular classes - the respect. Although I had made friends in the regular classes, they didn't compare to the friendships I made in the new class. It was nice to be able to discuss current events or science, read a classmate's story she had written just for fun, or just show a little bit of curiosity about something without everyone politely asking why I wanted to know all this stuff.
So I guess to answer your question, it is important for a child to have someone to talk to who is on their level. And it's even better if that person is their age.

Thanks treecritter. I appreciate your perspective on this.