I'm insisting on a bit of "homework" over Spring break -- partly as a dry run for summer, when I will want to keep her momentum going. Nothing too crazy, just 20 or 30 minutes a day, broken up between reading practice, a little math on Dreambox or IXL, and me reading her a picture book in Spanish.

Some days it's working but some days she's giving me INCREDIBLE pushback. So I find myself thinking, "I just made my kid cry by making her do Dreambox at a level beyond what the school is teaching her. I am an EVIL HOT-HOUSING PARENT! How did this happen?"

But here's the thing: the crying and wailing and fussing are about a power-struggle with Mom. I can totally see that it's manipulative -- she's exaggerating her upsetness to get what she wants. It's the exact same thing we go through with eating food that I know she basically likes, but she just doesn't feel like eating it right now and she'd rather move on to fruit. This is a strong-willed kid. Actually, "strong-willed" doesn't even begin to describe it. This is a kid who, when you try to teach her a board-game, will change the rules just so that they can be her rules and not someone else's.

She's been through this with her teachers at school, and they totally see through her bullpoop and don't let her get away with it. I had somewhat the same reaction at first ("She's too young! They're expecting too much! I'm pushing her!") but the teachers (who are awesome and whose judgement I really trust) don't seem worried at all. They think she's totally capable of rising to the expectations. And she has -- for the most part, the behavior problems at school have gone away. But when it's Mom? Whole different ball game.

I've been "bribing" her a little, 20 minutes of focusing on homework buys her 10 minutes of pure-fun games on ABCya or Starfall or Dreambox (which I also have mixed feelings about, but we kind of got there in a slippery-slope kind of way). Anyway, I'm thinking of going all behavior-mod on her tiny butt and using 10 marbles to represent the 10 minutes. Wailing and drama (which I'm careful to distinguish from real upset over something being too hard) means one marble goes away.

I keep reminding myself that I've been through this with this kid over and over, on different issues. Buckling her own seatbelt? WHINE FUSS FLOP THRASH DO-IT-WRONG-AND-THEN-FALL-TO-PIECES-BECAUSE-IT-DIDN'T-WORK. But I keep insisting, and then suddenly it's a non-issue, she does it cheerfully. Same with brushing teeth. Dressing herself. Carrying her own lunch-box.

But somehow, when the topic is academics, it triggers all that guilt about "pushing" and "taking away their childhood." I have to keep reminding myself that this kid will actually LOVE the intellectual power that will come with having mastered these skills -- she just hates being told what's what. Thank goodness I'm not homeschooling these early years -- I'd be an exhausted and self-doubting wreck!

I don't know how old your daughter is, but maybe the pushback is because she wants a mental break where she can be a normal kid on spring break. And that is reasonable. Sometimes a mental vacation is necessary.

Try letting her completely win this one with the negotiation that when she goes back to school, she will agree to ... whatever you decide your terms are.

It is one thing to teach discipline; it is another to push our kids to perform just because we know they can to where we burn them out and make them dislike their own gifts and talents.

Hi ABQMom,

I almost didn't post this because I knew I'd get responses like yours. The point I'm trying to make is that this isn't about being burnt out. I know my kid. This is about not wanting to cooperate with Mom. (This is the same kid who, yesterday, saw three rows of three trees and said, "Three, six, nine, there are nine of them," and was totally chuffed at her discovery. This is not a child who is mentally burnt out. This is also a child who, when she does focus on the work, grins like a maniac when she gets it right and asks to do more.)

Honestly, if I were asking her to do 20 minutes of household chores a day on Spring break, and the rest was play play play, nobody would be arguing that I was burning her out or not letting her be a normal kid.

MegMeg,

This is a public forum, and I am a total stranger, so I have absolutely no expectation that what I say will be something that meets your needs or is what you need to hear. I am sure there will be others who provide something more to what you're wanting or needing.

But as a parent who has raised three gifted kids - all of whom have pushed back, tested the system, given me attitude, messed up, lied to me, manipulated me, and needed me to help them, I think that it is a fair contribution to provide my insight from raising my own kids.

I know what you mean about kids pushing back and battles of wills and all of that. I, myself, was a lot like your daughter. My great grandmother once told me I'd argue with a fence post so much it would dig itself up and dig another hole just to get away from me. So I DO understand what you mean.

But doing chores around the house is not equivalent to doing academic work on spring break. Not for me. And this is only my opinion, so that is what I shared. In your original post you said that " I have to keep reminding myself that this kid will actually LOVE the intellectual power that will come with having mastered these skills...". And as a parent of two adult gifted children and one teenage gifted kid, my only point was that we can sometimes lose a battle to win the war.

And, really, it was just one person's opinion thrown out into the ether. But you did come asking for insight, so that is what I tried to provide.

I certainly do wish you the very best. Parenting is tough, and there are no right or wrong answers. We can only do our best.

Putting this in 7yo terms, "Mommy is making me do homework when I'm supposed to be on vacation. That's NOT FAIR!!"

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish here. This is a gifted child who is already running ahead of schedule educationally. She can't forget how to learn any more than she can forget how to breathe. So unless there's some kind of specific goal you're trying to achieve, I wouldn't bother. It's not a battle worth fighting.

Last year, we asked our DD what she wanted to do over the summer, and her response was, "Nothing!" No extracurriculars, no camps, just play and travel. So that's what she got.

This year, DD8 was asked to do some work over Spring Break, but that's with a specific goal in mind... in this case, we're homeschooling her into a grade skip as a way to bypass a skip-hostile school district and make them take her as a 4th grader next year. There's a statewide achievement test given to 3rd graders that we've registered her to to take later this month, and in order to close our argument with the school, she needs to excel on that. She needed to finish the last section of social studies over break, so she'd have a week for review before the test.

So that was a battle worth fighting.

Obediance and cooperation are different concepts. I get the best results with my son by telling him what we are doing, why we are doing it, and soliciting his input. I want him to be actively involved in goals amd contributing to how to achieve them, because I'm too lazy to do it for him forever and those are big life skills. I know many people don't care for an attachment parenting style, but a respect and communication centric approach works for me.

Agreed. And there will be times where you can get cooperation, and times when you can't. It's in those moments where you have to ask yourself how much you need obedience instead. Seat belts? Absolutely. Fashion choices? Meh... as long as there's nothing offensive about them, and there's no danger of hyper/hypothermia, I really don't care.

When you have a strong-willed child, ANY issue can become a battleground over control. And honestly, sometimes, you need to let the child have some control. That's vital for development of identity, self-confidence, etc. And a child who feels they have more control is more likely to graciously concede control when you require it... thus creating more cooperation, and necessitating less obedience.

And so... pick your battles wisely. Those battles you choose, do not lose.


We're not into the attachment thing, but respect and communication are central to what we do.

As a matter of policy, at our house we have made the extra stuff optional. Don't like Math Circle because you'd rather be home reading comic books? That's okay; it was optional enrichment. Don't want to do your assigned homework? That's not even remotely okay and we will sit you down and make you do it well before you do the fun stuff.

We want our kids to have opportunities, and our house is loaded with interesting things to read and do, and so on. We also limit time spent on "junk activity" like video games. But I don't want them to feel like they have to do academic work above and beyond what school requires to please us as parents. They have enough "gotta-dos."

For my kids, feeling forced would absolutely make them do less of it, not more; feeling like it's optional makes it stay interesting and motivating for them. (And I will indeed sometimes let them off the hook for small household chores if they are busy with something worthwhile, which gives them an extra fillip of joy in doing optional but quality stuff.)

Every family has to do it differently, but that's what we do.

DeeDee

I've always asked for little bit of work over vacation- or the child will disappear into a television/computer stupor for days on end. But I don't tell him what to do, and I haven't since he was 4. It's all his choice. Every vacation I make a "bingo" chart that we call "Brainy Bingo". When he completes a row, there is a prize- either a small trinket, a trip out for ice cream, time to make me play a game with him that I hate (his favorite reward), extra computer time etc. A full blackout on vacation earns an extra special reward (usually he picks what's for dinner and a movie).

I try to make the bingo chart parts fun. Listen to a read-aloud story, read for 20 min, do a craft project with me, play a math game on the iPad, bake cookies etc. - not things like 'do this terrible worksheet that will make you want to pull your eyes out!' Now that he's older, we make the chart together on the first day of vacation, incorporating some things he wants to learn (coding and programming) and some things he needs to work on (small motor skills, balance).

Often, if I don't push the issue, he'll do four or five things in a row happily. Some days it's only one. One is required to get on the computer but if he chooses not to be on the computer- I don't mention it.

Brilliant. I am going to steal this for my youngest. He loves Minecraft and Skyrim and always wants me to go see what he is doing. I despise sitting there and listening to the nth-degree of detailed explanations, so he will LOVE if he can make me sit there for a specific amount of time.

hi there, MegMeg!

stuff like this is so touchy, and while i don't have any real insight on the workload question - your mention of the manipulation and power-struggles sort of rang a bell!

about a year ago our daughter (then 4) suddenly started to assert her (strong) personality and WHINE FUSS FLOP (ps - love that) came into our lives. after a lot of thought, we finally realized that manipulation was her only strategy, so we decided to offer her another, more productive one - the Family Round Table.

it's not a regular event, but any family member can request a Round Table, and we book it for Sunday evening so we're not having one every 5 seconds. it's really taken the pressure off of everyone to be able to just calmly say, "uh, this sounds like a Round Table discussion - let's defer until then." it sort of bleeds out the tension of the moment, and the actual meeting becomes something everyone looks forward to because it's such a safe place to negotiate/hear everyone's expectations and concerns.

maybe something like this might help you get to the bottom of this particular issue and figure out whether it's a big thing, a small thing or nothing to worry about? it's worked really well for us on those kinds of questions...

in any case, good luck!!

Hi MegMeg - I'm pretty new here, and was hesitant to post, but I had to support you on this... I feel your pain, completely. DS8 is a fairly good self starter, but goodness me forget it if I suggest it at the wrong moment, in the wrong mood. He'd have the tantrum about the whole thing, but then go do it in the end and *be so glad*, much like you described. I also have another one who is twice as difficult. Sigh. DD6 is not as obviously gifted as DS8, but is emerging quickly (and she's the whole package - socially ahead as well as academically high on target or ahead). And she is stubborn as a mule, with emotional outbursts that you wouldn't believe (OK, maybe you do, but SO many people do not -- especially when they see her as her quiet, sweet, adorable public self!). She finally admitted to me the other day that she 'likes fighting with' me. I suggested I teach her how to debate, so she can get that 'fight' in but in a way that isn't hurtful, and she said 'no, I just like to fight with you.' At least I finally got a bit of honesty from her, but it doesn't make it better!

I too will be 'making' my kids do homework over spring break. My motives are more simply to keep us functioning - DS does not do well w/a total lack of structure (as much as he says he wants it, he just goes to pieces). I prefer to be relaxed about our "schedule" when possible, but have come to the realization that for all of our sanity I cannot. So we've got a new and improved, fully mapped out day, with times that they have to start homework and chores, etc. (Don't worry, there is PLENTY of time built into the day for free play!! We live in a lovely neighborhood with lots of same-age kids, and they - also for everyone's sanity!! - go outside and run around with their friends as much as possible!! or read, or play with Legos or whatever they feel like doing... but preferably outside to run around now that its getting warm!! :-) and it is flexible enough that we can switch things around, if a friend can't be out til later, just swap homework and chores to before play, etc.). We will be keeping up that schedule over the break for the most part, with just a lot more time for free play. I expect plenty of push back on this from both of them, but its still the right thing to do.

MegMeg, my dd9 is an extremely strong-willed child, and she routinely threw fits for the longest time trying to manipulate us (parents) into giving her her way - so I have a bit of experience parenting a child who's reacting in the way your child is. That said, I am no expert in how to deal with it! I do *love* the roundtable suggestion (as well as the Bingo card idea) and I'm going to try both of them For my dd, simply getting a little older helped, but the years she was in the midst of it all were very trying.

That said, I realize this isn't the answer you're looking for, but I would not make enrichment "homework" into a battle, and that's what it is for your dd at the moment. Your dd is a very smart little girl, and she isn't going to be any less smart if she doesn't do *any* extra work at home at this point in her life. When my kids were her age, they loved loved loved to learn - but it wasn't about Dreambox-type learning or listening to Spanish because that's what *I* wanted them to be learning. The best learning for them back then came by letting them lead the way - I followed what they were interested in, which meant things like trips to the museum, doing art at home, going to the library and letting them pick out books that they wanted read to them. And lots of just simply playing.

I think that it's a-ok for our kids to experience having to meet expectations for worksheets completed etc at school, and it's absolutely a-ok for us as parents to insist that our children complete their homework for school, but I don't see the benefit in pushing our gifted children to do enrichment academics simply for the point of doing it because they are smart. They're going to still be smart even if they watch cartoons all day long on tv. The important thing is to not discourage them from finding their own way to creativity and intellectual fulfillment.

The cool thing is - if you offer those options you've listed as simply that - options available if your dd wants to take advantage of them, and don't insist on it, you've right away saved yourself that particular set of manipulative battles from happening. Chances are your dd may come around on her own and ask to do them (that's what would happen with my strong-willed dd)... but if she doesn't, the world isn't going to end, and you can save your energy for the other areas in life where you have to get through the manipulative battles, since you can't just avoid all of them.

Hang in there! Parenting through this age isn't easy at all -

polarbear

ps - fwiw, this is a bit out there but might be something to consider - the one thing besides maturing that helped calm my dd's manipulative drama was getting her involved in gymnastics, which is a sport she loves. I think it helps both because it keeps her occupied while she's at the gym, and she can also bounce around doing her gymnastics at home and when she's doing that she's completely happily focused on it - and it tires her out. I think I've read of other parents who've found that keeping their children active helps cut down on the drama.

CAMom - love the bingo idea! Might be what we do for our vacation "homework" time :-) Somehow I missed half this thread when I originally posted!

And I should note at the end of my last post -- "its the right thing to do" I should add "for MY family". And I really don't have any doubt; I cannot let DS go to pieces, and its a good test for summer (a trial to see if we a) can keep it up and b) if it helps enough to keep him going!)

Megmeg,I fully understand. Stubborn, strong willed, intense, all describe my ds5 perfectly. And just yesterday, we went through the same battle. I said, no playing until 20 min of school work was done. 5 hours later, and much whining, he finally did it. Luckily, we home school, so he doesn't even know what spring break is. But I have been requiring 30-60 min of school daily (4 times a week) since January. I often too feel conflicted, knowing he is working about 4 grade levels ahead...but I also realize, that he has never ever had to do anything structured. While most kids his age have been in pre-school, he just played...so now is the time to gently learn that work comes first, and that he needs to do what his mom/teacher ask. I know if he doesn't learn this now, it will be harder down the road. But I too feel intense conflict when I have to push so hard. But I know I need to win more battles--he wins too many by being so good at arguing, and having tantrums. So yesterday, I knew I was in for it, but went ahead, because he promised me to do his school while we are away from home for over a month. But not every battle is worth fighting, but once you've put your foot down, you need to follow through.
I too, plan to continue schooling over summer--30-60 min a day, and while others look oddly at me for that, I just remember, that their children have already spent more time in structured situations than mine, by far. And I am just trying to keep a structured training going...An hour a day is hardly something to call infringing on free play time.

If your child needs to continue with a little structure just to keep the routine going, you are the best judge of that. I wouldn't do the battle daily, but if you have to battle though a few days, just to let them know you are the parent, fine.

Strong willed kids are a battle, and as much as they do need more autonomy.. I think they also need to be reminded that they are not always in charge...I KNOW my DS needs that reminder. 30 min a day is not too much...it is no different than the school asking to read a book over break...it can easily be worked into the it is just how we relax catagory..with a good book and a couple of brain teasers.
Good luck! And don't forget to bring the Play on once the battle is done!

That sounds tough. I do not have much experience with a strong-willed child so my advice is probably not any good.

Why do you feel you need to keep the momentum going during the summer? DD is starting kindergarten next fall and I am so looking forward to this summer for all her lazy days and relaxation. And, DD is currently in a play-based preschool part-time. So, it is not like she needs the break. I am not a homeschooler. But, that does not mean I am not fostering learning at home. I keep a calm house free of TV and video games and full of books and creative play. And, I am always surprised by how creative DD can get during a boring day--That's why I love summer.

One boring morning she discovered that dominoes had math problems on them. (adding up the lines.) One boring morning she used bananagrams to write our sentences. The best part? She thought to use upside down Js for question marks. One boring morning a strip of paper became a ruler to measure things which she then converted to cuisenaire units. One boring morning she just up and decided to read a book that was two levels too high for her before I woke up--She would have never done that had I asked.

I know my DD is bright. She is years advanced in reading and math. If she is happy, I don't worry about academic things. I think of that as an advantage of being ahead. I do worry about keeping that love of learning alive.

Yes, she is a beast that needs to be fed, so to speak. But, I also want to keep her hungry for more.

I totally understand your position DS1 is the same though not extremely stubborn he is a great whiner with a few tears added in for dramatic measure. What has worked for us is me backing off and cutting down TV time and Game time. When he has nothing else to do he automatically gravitates towards books or a learning activity. We also have an agreement that if he says he is bored he has to do what I suggest. It keeps us both happy.

My DD got used to doing extra "homework" everyday. I tell her it's exercise for the brain that makes her smarter, just like physical exercises that make her healthier.

Yes.

I do actually understand wanting a child to do work during spring break- but she has to have a good understanding of the why- and so does the parent. Last spring, DS8 (then 7) had an awful time maintaining a schedule at school. He would get sidetracked between works, forget to get his work signed off and have days where he didn't get his work done at all, opting instead to complain and stonewall. Over the summer, I told him he was going to practice having academic work that he got done in a timely fashion. I told him that the goal was for him to be able to complete work without distraction, whining or stonewalling. He understood the WHY of work during summer break. I put together workbooks that were interesting to him (and frankly not overly challenging) and I let him choose four extremely short assignments that could be finished in 45 minutes or less total. When he'd whine, I reminded him of the "why" and explained that his whining was showing me that he still needed to work on it. By middle of vacation he was zooming through his stuff early in the morning with the rest of the day to play. A few weeks later and I told him he'd mastered what I wanted him to master and could take the rest of summer (a few weeks) completely off.

If this is really about behavior- make it about behavior and don't worry about the subject matter much. Perhaps tell her you need her to learn to work cooperatively with you and that she's going to practice it until its mastered. Define mastery to her (a set number of days repeating the behavior) and if she masters it- let her have the rest of vacation time off.

MegMeg,

I think this is the most succinct summary of my feelings. If you risk stifling her academic appetite through coercion, which I think could be the case with most strong-willed individuals, then it's better to take a quick hiatus from structure.

As a single parent, you're also in the tough position of always being the enforcer. Perhaps more than two-parent homes, I think you may have to choose your silver bullet issues carefully. Otherwise, you risk your disciplinarian role displacing your being a happy shelter for Hanni. (I don't mean this in binary terms, but as a shift on a continuum.)

Wow, this really triggered some people's buttons.

A few clarifications:

- Hanni has never voiced a feeling that it's "unfair." In fact, when I told her we'd be doing some homework over break, her reaction was along the lines of "Okay, cool!" We're very fortunate that she's not in a school with a culture of hating schoolwork.

- I don't really consider arithmetic to be the apex of intellectual fun. It's a skill you have to learn to get to the fun stuff, and yeah, learning it is work. I consider this "learning the basics" to be very different from all the other learning that goes on in our house, which is pretty much endless. This is a kid with insights into science, history, and literature that, at a rough guess, I would say are at least a 6th grade level. I'm totally happy to unschool these topics, because this is where deep intellectual play really happens.

- Several of you are concerned that by asking her to do math practice according to my time-frame, I'm going to destroy her enjoyment. Really no signs of that happening so far. In fact, she is getting a total kick out of her increasing math skills, when she's not battling me. The point I'm trying to make here (and have been trying to make from the beginning) is that there is a total disconnect with this kid between how hard she fights me about something and what she really wants or doesn't want or likes or hates.

- Learning self-discipline is a very difficult thing and a long road. I don't believe that you can toss kids into the deep end of this particular pool and expect them to figure it out. (From my own experience, my parents insisted on academic rigor, but let us be in charge of the state of our own rooms. I've turned out as a passionate academic who has serious problems figuring out how to keep my house clean.) I believe in starting the process with baby steps, in which the child is given an incentive structure that gets them to do the behavior, and then they discover that they *are* capable of making themselves do X, when they decide to. Then you gradually move the goal-posts as they get older. I have absolutely no interest in teaching obedience for obedience's sake.

- "you risk your disciplinarian role displacing your being a happy shelter for Hanni." Really not a problem here. Thanks for your concern.

- Why would I want to keep the momentum going over the summer? I guess I would turn that around ask, why wouldn't you? The idea that spending an entire 1/4th of the year without learning is somehow both an entitlement and a mental neccessity is engrained in us from our own childhoods, but it's a by-product of our agricultural past. There's really nothing natural or neccessary about it.

- Why would I "push" my kid to do more than is being required by the school? Because she is ready for it. And because, as wonderful as this school is and as nimble as they are, they're still not quite managing to get out in front of her. I will also confess to one ulterior motive here: I want her to be showing her stuff clearly by the start of Fall so that they place her in the 1st-2nd classroom, not the K-1st room again. She would wilt there. She is already complaining to me that the older groups get to all the fun stuff -- by which she means the more complicated science, the book-writing projects, etc.

So, I want to say that I understand what it's like to post a thread and have everyone kinda pile on and disagree with you. It's not so fun. You did post, though, and you did express that you had mixed feelings, so you sort of put yourself out there for comment. I *was* going to ask about your goals, actually, and this


is quite understandable. I want my DS5 to have some stuff down before fall as well for similar reasons. However, you did seem a little...I don't know, like maybe it might be helpful to get some perspective. It can be really helpful to hear from parents who have older kids of similar personalities.

also, I guess I only have my two kids, but I am a super big believer in strewing the path richly (books, educational materials all around; intro them to interesting/educational computer stuff, offer to play games that you think are enriching, ask them about their interests and enable those), limiting screentime, and letting them find what they need. They do.

If you think she needs to achieve a few specific goals for next year to work out well, why not figure out what they are, tell her about them, and then set up a reward system of some kind? Most kids (not all!!) do respond to this. If I do Handwriting without Tears with DS this summer (not sure if I will), I'll do something like this--"15 minutes of this and then we'll play Othello" (which he loves), or whatever. But don't get caught in "She must just constantly be/learn/know moremoremore...because look at that potential!" all the time, if she is not reaching for it. BTDT a little myself.

On the bright side, the feedback of the folks here on the forum who took time to respond with their own experiences and insight seems to have helped you clarify your own feelings and position on something you were struggling with. That is always a good thing,

Like you, I afterschool my son. He knows that it is required if he wants to go to school (otherwise we'd homeschool). I have two categories of work that we do. One is conversational on the couch. For example, I read history and science stuff aloud. We are also reading Life of Fred aloud. That sort of thing. The other category is things that don't lend themselves well to a conversation on the couch. At the moment it is grammar. I'm having him go though an 8th grade grammar book (he is 5th grade age) because his school doesn't teach English (at all). I'm giving him a big reward when he finishes it, which won't be until sometime in the summer.

So, I guess one thing you might consider is to make the afterschooling stuff be time spent with you rather than on the computer. If it's math, use a small whiteboard and write for her--make it a conversation. I know that my son is much more inclined to do extra schoolwork if it's with me and not just computer stuff or a bunch of workbook pages.

MegMeg, there was a thread posted a few weeks ago discussing extrinsic versus intrinsic motivators in study habits that you might find pertinent, if you haven't already seen it. I'll see if I can dig it up, as it might help you streamline your strategy.

MegMeg - I sometimes have this with Aiden, and I agree that it is SO frustrating - esp when you KNOW it's something they WANT to do, usually love doing and when they are into it cannot get enough of it and usually moan and fuss about stopping that activity.

Since January this year Aiden has been like this, and since we homeschool it's most days that we have this issue. So I decided to change the tactics.

I don't want to bribe, I don't want to dangle carrots, I don't want to yell, scream, punish, prevent stuff etc. Because it is simply not worth it - esp when I have 2 younger kids watching the emotional playoffs. Meh.

So instead I sat him down. Asked what he wanted to achieve/do and we wrote down his own goals. Then I asked him to consider what he needed to do to achieve those. And now I revisit that every two weeks with him. We set goals for the two weeks as to how they fit into a larger goal for him.

And it works because he can see it written on his own chart, he can tick off the little boxes that matter to him and he can feel the fulfillment he gets when he achieves his goals.

It's encouraging the intrinsic desire to learn that was squashed while at pre school before we started homeschooling. And it's like you said - its providing the framework until they are able to do it on their own.

So you know the goal - to help her not be miserable for an entire academic year. So tell her that, ask if she has the same goal and then work with that. That way when she wigs out you can point to the written goal and remind her of what you are working for/to.

best of luck - it's never easy walking the parenting line and even less so when you know how happy they would be if they saw what you see.

No you're not, any more than making them brush their teeth every day makes you a "dental hot housing" parent (lol). The difference is if you were trying to build your DD up beyond her limits, which you're not. From my experience with my DD the push back is about control, which stems from anxiety, which is not related to the academic stimulation they usually enjoy.

I insisted my two do silent reading over our spring break. Meanwhile they were allowed to sleep in and otherwise live lives of leisure. We went to the beach one day, and up the mountain skiing the next.

It actually went really well. I posted "spring break check lists." On them were items like "make your own breakfast" etc. I called this life skills training, because mommy can't follow you around in life and make your breakfast when you're 30. They resisted THIS at first, but were fine with the reading.

What if you gave your DD a list of possible homework activities to choose from and let her decide what to do? You're still maintaining the habit of self discipline, but you're giving her some control.

I can relate here as well. If there's a 4/5 split next year, I want DS8 in that, rather than the straight 4. He's always been more successful staying on task in a more challenging environment, but with his multiple dx & in class attention difficulties this'll be a hard sell unless I get his output up.

DS is only 4.5 so I can't completely relate but knowing his personality (very oppositional too), I wouldn't ask him to do work over the Spring break. 1. he deserves a break too, 2. when other kids talk after the break about all the stuff they did, I am pretty sure someone would make fun of him for doing school work when the rest of them had a break, 3. one week of break is not going to make him forget what he's learned. He is a fast learner so he will be right back to it when the break is over, 4. he's constantly learning "something" ... just might not be based on the school curriculum but walks outside, car ride, store trips, etc. ... he's constantly describing what he sees, what it means to him. It is real lifeskill training so no need for academics.

We will be most likely homeschooling when the Fall comes (Kindergarten) and even then I am planning to focus on school work only to the extent of the grade minimum curriculum and as for the rest, we will guide him in certain directions but will let him choose what he wants to do. He spends a lot of time on ABCMouse, Starfall, Dreambox, PBSplay ... he sees all that as "games" but we know he's learning and he does it all voluntarily.

I can see why you would want to get more done given your goals for the Fall but maybe I'd do a real Spring break without homework and then do an extra 5 minutes a day when the break is over?

Same song, different tune. My son got a young, sweet, inexperienced teacher this year. I sent a smart, educated, curious child to school. He became resistant to afterschool studying with me as the year progressed. I backed off completely, since who wants extra work after working at school, no matter what the level of the work.
I kept an open relationship with the school. I asked questions. I thought I knew what was going on. At first he didn't like school. I worked with him to get him to give it a chance. After sending him to school for half a year, after seeing his hard-earned skills regress like they say other kids do over the summer, after seeing his willingness and desire to learn new things greatly diminish, the teacher told me "your child's placement in my class is not working out. He doesn't do the work I give him to do. He just doesn't do it." Really? After half a year you tell me. MegMeg, here's where I sympathize with you. I think my kid should do what he's supposed to. I don't think it's up to a young child to decide if they want to do what they're supposed to. I want my child to know that the adults in charge of him are in charge of him.
My friends and family concluded that the teacher was tired of a mental tug of war with him that she kept losing. Now my five year has learned that the teachers at school can not actually make him work, his parents are clueless, and he can manipulate his teachers out of doing his work. I expected the work to be below his achievement level. The things I was told that he was supposed to be learning was the pace of school, and the routine. I expected the teachers to teach him how to do school.
So while you're conflicted over playing hard ball with your daughter, I'm conflicted that I now feel the need to play hard-ball with my son to correct the lesson he learned, but also with the school. I don't like the idea of saying that the sweet, truly caring teachers aren't giving my son the education he needs. I don't like this dilema very much.

I think you already hold the answer within. You know your child best.

I have two gifted DSs, each from a different marriage with 12 years between them. Even before he was in school, my oldest loved to do worksheets and extra things--and once he was in school, even during breaks.

My youngest, not at all. He didn't want any part of worksheets, nor any part of learning things he wasn't interested in. I worried initially because he was so obsessed with things that moved and didn't seem to be curious or interested in anything else. Because he was so different from my first experience, I didn't even realize he was gifted until the school alerted me. And then it took me years to realize how gifted. My youngest desperately needs his breaks, he needs down time to day dream and do silly things. I've learned when to push him, when to insist on high standards and when to back off.

You're aware of your DD's need to learn and at the same time her resistance. I imagine it won't be long before everything's in balance.

How awful. I hope you can find a way to help your DS flourish.

But the reason that it's a dilemma and not just a straightforward problem is that on the other hand are the arguements to just go with it, relax, let him mature, not to worry because he's smart he'll be fine. See? I guess quite a few parents of young kids have this same problem. The researched answer is, "gifted kids need authoratative parenting, not authoritarian, and not permissive." The mixed feelings come from the many facets that this advice could actually look like. Also, what about when it's the teacher? What about when it's the parent?

Good questions. We went too long with our youngest, allowing him to dictate the pace, partly because he's a perfectionist and uncomfortable with not knowing things. It was more important for him to get straight As than move ahead a grade in a subject. I think that has held him back in some ways. Or at least allowed him to remain "unseen." Now that we have more information, I'm going to be holding him to higher expectations and pushing him a little to challenge his comfort levels.

I really feel for this situation--both with the lack of communication from the (otherwise nice) teacher, and for the need to step in to try to help correct it, as unwelcome as that may be. I would however add that if you think stepping in and being authoritative with your kid is necessary in this situation--where they are blowing off school work--I would think seriously about doing it. We just spent a week with my nephew, who unfortunately is becoming actually an explosive child who blows up whenever he doesn't gets his way and as a result is now being homeschooled. A couple of years ago it seemed like he was just doing normal gifted kid stuff of pushing the envelope, testing the limits, etc., but his parents have really been 'soft' on this kind of behavior and unfortunately he has really run with it and it's not good for him or anyone else. I don't like everything that John Rosemond says--he's a little *too* hardball for me--but I think some of that approach could keep my nephew from becoming an even worse problem for himself. And he's 7, so there's time.

As to the OP, though, I sympathize with getting unsympathetic posts, but for our DD pushing to do work beyond/outside of school or not giving her a 'break' when it's vacation absolutely does not work. For our other nephew (now in high school) it was also counterproductive and for example he ended up chucking violin after his mom 'made' him do it for 4 years. I think he will be okay because now in high school he has matured a lot, but I don't think every kid responds like that. If it were my DD, I would back off a little--but most days we do make her 30 minutes of video game time conditional on doing some extra math (in which she had previously expressed an interest)--so a carrot and not a stick, and with generous days off. As others have said, your mileage may vary. Good luck!