OK- so, is it just us?
Does anyone else have trouble finding good playmates for your young gifted child?
The older kids are in school or already have buddies, the kids my DS's age are parallel playing or not into the same level of pretend play/cooperative play...sigh. Frustrating. My DS so often turns to me as a companion, which I enjoy, but he really needs a playmate who doesn't need to do the dishes, go to work, do the laundry, etc etc.
He's more verbal than the kids his age and he gets really frustrated when he introduces himself and asks to play, or they ignore him...
He's signed up for preschool in the spring.
any ideas? sympathy?

Funny you should write this today.
My dd (who will turn 4 in July, and who can pass for 5 based on looks) went to story time at the library today, and I was a little shocked at how different she was than the 3 and 4 year olds around. After story time was over, she runs up to me and says "Mom, I made a new friend." I see her talking to a kid, approach the woman who I figured was probably the kid's mom and struck up a conversation. Turns out the kid was 8 years old. I told the mom it was nice of her daughter to "adopt" mine, but I could tell from the way they were interacting, it was as peers, not as big kid being nice to a little kid. Again, shocking, but when I think about it, dd's comprehension is around 2nd-going-on-3rd grade, so maybe not that strange.

My dd is fortunate that there are a 5 yo (who seems "young" to me) and a 6 yo (who dd gets frustrated at whenever she can do something -- always motorphysical, of course -- that dd can't do) in our neighborhood who are dd's sometime-friends, but they don't interact on a regular basis. So, like you, I am dd's main companion.

Every once in a while I am reminded of what an outlier dd is (she seems like such a normal kid when I have no basis for comparison) and today was one of those days. It does leave me wandering what is in store for her.

My plan for now is to concentrate on sports, where she is pretty average, and, when she's older, on things like theater, where she can be in a mixed-age setting. And maybe sneak her into the older storytimes? But yeah, any other ideas would be appreciated.

DS6 has no problems finding playmates... though he does get frustrated by the immaturity of most near his age. The issue we have is ME. I have the issue with the immaturity and the fact that most parents seem to just let their kids run all over the place/neighborhood with very little supervision. That doesn't work for me at all. DS6 is actually the responsible one of my two (DD4 will just "go"; whereas DS6 will ask if he can), BUT still...

Yes, we do. All the kids who are on level with DD are in school. Summer is good because she gets to play with these friends more. In fact I will be watching on of her friends who is 7one day a week for the summer, so this is great. DD also had a friend who is 6 spend the night the other night. So summer is good for us LOL.

But we do have a harder time, as kids her age she ets frusterated with and actually thinks they are rude because they do not play like she does. It definitly is difficult at this age. Everything is for 5 year olds and up around here and even though she could fit in great, the age cut offs are there.

Clay- yes- we've had that happen too- Nick is 2.5 yo, and looks like a 4 yo, so if he's happily playing with a 4 yo, it really doesn't look like the older child is just being "kind" IYKWIM?
He gets on really well with 4-7 yos as far as pretend play and carrying on long conversations.

We are not so fortunate to have neighbors with kids- we are REALLY rural. So we go to the library, parks, beach and let him play with the kids there. He's always been frustrated with the younger set, even when he was 1 yo. I tried putting him in a daycare setting for 3 hours a day so I could get just a little income, and he was so ANGRY to be in a room of "babies". Sort of like he's a 30 yo frustrated to be in a 2.5 yo's body...??

I like your plan- my LO is good at sports and really coordinated, I may need to look at classes/groups to help him make more like minded buddies. I'm just sad to see him ready socially and not finding peers in his local group... whereever we go the other parents are shocked at his vocab and physical prowess. He stands out. sigh.

JJ's Mom. I hear you! Doesn't it drive you bonkers when parents aren't supervising??? argh!

Another thing I do, which isn't the same as having intellectually-matched peers, but is better than just hanging out with mommy all the time, is use teen babysitters (a couple of them have been homeschooled). I'm a doctoral student, and when dd was little I worked very part-time, so I've had teens come for a couple/few hours several/every day of the week. Lets me get what I have to do done, mixes things up for her; more expensive (per hour) than day care, but not prohibitively so.

Speechie -- I wish you luck with PreK next Spring. DD was in daycare for about a year, and she did fine, but since I've taken her out, she's just bloomed and is now SO different from her age-mates, which sounds like how things are with your DS. I cannot imagine putting her in PreK now (partly because I share JJsMom's frustration re immaturity).

Both of mine have done well in the daycare setting, but mainly b/c they have had "teachers" that have known what they needed.

We have a girl that just graduated high school watching them for the summer, and both DC chose to be with her rather than being with the rest of their "friends".

I have plenty of sympathy! As mom of an 'only child' giftie, we end up doing a lot of playmating. Tween 'mother'shelpers' Teen babysitter, honorary grandparents, daycare where they let him spend most of his time with older children are all possible. A very expensive, and certainly not possible for everyone idea that often works really well: siblings. Of course the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but it does look very very green over there!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

thanks

I am nervous about preK, hopefully it will go well and he'll be happy, and his teachers will be kind/understanding.
We do have a few in home sitters- he LOVES these ladies- both over 50 but energetic. One more grandmotherly, the other, extremely outdoorsy and natureloving organic farming awesome lady!
I don't have any tween/teen mother's helpers, but I am tempted. Usually I just have him "help". Usually it makes more work LOL. Like today when I was cooking a rhubarb coffeecake, and he was cooking too. I gave him some baking soda and vinegar to experiment with...hmm. Mea culpa for the bubbly mess- I didn't mind too much as the cake turned out

Grinity! EEEEK to the sibling idea- Lordy, I am nearing 40, I'm exhausted from this fabulous, psychomotor OE gifted exuberant extroverted child!
Sometimes I wonder how people cope with 2 or more! kids. Maybe I'm just a wimp? I do appreciate the idea, I do see siblings enjoying each other. But I'm so loving having only one, methinks.

Hoping somehow we'll find some neat kid that is a good match someday for my LO. I'll keep searching. We did have a good playdate at the beach with a 3.5 yo, invited them to the library, and it was no longer a good match. Again, the pretend play skills weren't there. Good match for gross motor play/beach play, but not cooperative/pretend play...ah well...

Hi Speechie (cute screen name),

I feel your pain. I, too, went through this and even though my daughter (3 1/2) is now in school and has playmates from there we still find it hard. Now that it is summer we venture over to the community pool and each time we do I find it interesting how the older kids gravitate towards DD and even more how DD's verbals match theirs. The other day we had a 12 yr old hanging out with DD and it was so cute to see their conversation. DD always seems to match verbal to whomever she is talking to. The down side to this is when she is with kids her age she tends to shorten her sentences to fit in, but when she is around older kids she is in her own element. Then yesterday while at the pool a 9 year old followed her around and was shocked at her age since she has a little brother DD's age who was also at the pool but DD wasn't interested in playing with him and the little girl who was hanging with her certainly didn't treat her like a baby.

As for the school and concerns .. you really won't know how he will do until you try it out. Lots of people on this board placed their toddlers in social preschool since it focuses on play and not much on academics and seem to be happy with the programs. We tried the social preschool route too, but came to realize it wasn't a good fit early on and scrambled to find some where else to send her. We really lucked out in her school she goes to now. It is a Spanish Immersion program so everything is taught in Spanish by Native speakers plus the program is academic. The 3 yr old class is doing kindergarten work. DD loves it and was challenged the minute she stepped into the door since everything is in Spanish. If it wasn't we would have had to look to move her up to Kindergarten since she was already doing everything that they were but in English. At least this way, until she is completely fluent in Spanish she is still in a learning process.

Too bad your son doesn't live close to us... he sounds so much like my DD especially with the imaginative play.

Good luck Speechie. It's the same for us - I'm DS7' best buddy since forever. But things do change. Take heart!

Actually, that's how we started homeschooling - I finally quit my job and pulled DS out of Kindy when he turned 5 because he didn't have friends and wasn't learning anything. How he loved the isolation! I spent most of my energy arranging playdates which never stuck. Then last year just before he started Gr 1, we lucked out when he met a very likely PG 9yo. They're very different, yet they connect. DS says he's the only one he can really talk to. DS became very sociable in the two years we homeschooled btw and now has quite a few of what he calls "physical activity" friends, but he'll opt not to see them when he has an interesting project at hand. This recent school holidays, he was invited to a birthday party by a classmate - he refused to go. "No need whatsoever", was his explanation.

Just for laughs, I remember my son meeting a bunch of very rowdy 6yos at a party when he was that age, becoming rather crazy and flippant himself that day, and then saying privately as we were going home - "so now I know how 6yos truly behave!"

blob how funny! Sounds like my DS7 - he has had a really, really hard time meeting playmates for as long as I can remember. When he was 4, and others wanted to just run around playing tag, he wanted to share the names of the clouds in the sky. The older he got, the harder it became and sadly many kids he would try to hang out with began to make fun of him because he talked about stuff they had no clue about.
We tried putting him into scouts this past year hoping he would make a friend...it is more of the same...the other 7 year olds in the group could really care less about scouting and more about goofing off and being silly 7 year olds while my little guy takes it as being very important - he earned over 15 belt loops because he got so excited and got really into the programs - while the others in his den thought he was being a show off. At the end of scouting this year, he shared that he wished that he could move up to the Bears instead of the Wolves so that he could be with other boys that were as into scouts as he was :-(

The last 2 weeks he got to stay at a beach house with 3 cousins he has never met before..one of them was a girl, just 2 months younger than he was and another was an 11 year old girl. Lets just say, that the 11 year old and my son became friends instantly and were inseperable the entire vacation. He ALWAYS gravitates to kids who are 4-5 years older than he is.

I didn't read all the post so I hope I'm not repeating but....

Some thoughts on finding playmates. I think it will get easier as he gets older. I think it's common for smart kids to find each other.

I would try to get out and do activities like nature classes, science centers, Museums and Lego classes. This is where I have been very surprised at how smart kids seem to be. Some of the better classes attract others who are looking for stimulation.

Best of luck to finding some good playmates.

This morning DS3 had the choice of hanging out with me (mom) or going to his babysitter. Chose the babysitter. Ouch I thought, but it's true, she's much more fun. A freshman college student... we've had great experiences with several as they are not so far from playing pretend that they forget how, and they are typically quite bright and actually can see value in for example of going page by page through field guides learning all the names of everything (DSs current crazed interest). Not exactly a agemate but it'll do for the moment, it's a positive social experience with someone outside the immediate family. And they get him to play their games too -- the other day he came home raving about Connect 4

Polly

This has been an issue for us for a long time and she still doesn't have any real playmates. We don't seem to go places where there are older children and I actually see my two year old wanting to play with older children more than I do my four year old DD. She does know how to play in a very young, silly way that wouldn't tip off any outsider observer that there was actually a really sharp mind hidden under her antics and she is having a playdate with an adorable three year old today. They connect on a silly, fun level, but their language is worlds apart, but she adores this little girl. Of course, she bosses her around and this child does whateve she wants and my DD loves being in control. My DD4 tends to gravitate towards adults more than older children. I actually feel a little sad for her because she does want to hang out with children her age and can connect with them on a goofing around level, but she has never ever experienced having a decent conversation or getting involved in more elaborate play with another child. I try so hard to find playdates for her, but so far, I've had little luck with finding someone who is a good fit. It is hard on me because I am her primary playmate and I know she needs to experience real peers.

Too bad this site doesn't have a feature to help people find local playmates. There should be a search keyed to location information from profiles, with of course the ability not to display one's location and/or indicate whether one is up for play dates. The location would probably be best split into multiple fields, too. This should be something a website developer can throw together in a very short time.

A meet-up thread might do in the meantime. We are up for meeting anyone in the Hudson, NH area, including roughly Boston northward.

Yeah, but the problem is with liability. Someone could so easily pretend to be a parent wanting a playdate and really be an ax murderer or a child molester. *sigh* The parenting groups I belong to actually do a verification, either by calling and chatting for a while or by actually meeting you in person before you can be in the group.

There may be somewhat of a valid concern with safety, but not really with liability as I understand it. I just think it's a bit of a shame. The initial meeting could be in a public place; in fact that's generally the rule with us when meeting new people.

A safety issue for the users is a liability issue for the owners.

What's the source of your belief? Just a guess based on your common sense? I'm curious. I still think they should add the feature.

A couple of non-child-specific analogues are craigslist and freecycle. Both appear to work just fine, by leaving details of meetups to individuals. IIRC both do post disclaimers, but I've seen nothing that indicates to me that even those are legally necessary to avoid liability. It is of course a good thing to do in light of the gullibility of some people; some really might invite strangers, sight unseen, into their homes.

Here's a website that seems to be based on the idea: http://www.myplaydate.com/ I can't tell if the rules would require them verifying that you have a child somehow-- I doubt their ability to do that easily, so I doubt it is implemented that way-- and can't tell whether the lack of content is because I don't have a login. But their release language is pretty general, just mentioning once that they're not responsible for the behavior of members off the site, which I tend to think is common knowledge.

LOL. It's not a belief; it's a fact. Anything that creates a danger of injury creates a risk of liability. For both freecycle & craigslist, the risk to users would be much smaller because people do not share details about their children or their family lives on those websites. In fact, the risk of using those websites is equivalent to the risk of having a pizza delivered. It's clearly different to disclose the intimate details both of one's family life and of one's residence.

My source? Personal experience. I'm a lawyer. I can tell you that the area of website liability is still largely untested. The extent that websites will be liable when their users suffer an injury has yet to be decided (and will depend on the jurisdiction, the judge, etc.).

I didn't exactly advocate revealing intimate details of one's family life or residence, but merely a geographic area and perhaps what age range of kids one was interest in finding for play dates. I guess perhaps a DYS scholar would be able to take that information and figure out someone's exact identity, but it would likely be beyond the skills of 99.9% of the populace.


What a coincidence! So am I. If by "largely untested" you mean that your position has no actual legal support, it would be more honest to just come out and say that next time. Just calling a forward-looking opinion a fact doesn't actually make it a fact. I remain open to an actual fact if you come up with one; I'm generally happy to find out I'm wrong on an issue.

Children's things are regularly freecycled, BTW. That's a little different from getting a pizza delivered.

EDIT: I guess some people here do post first names of their children, etc., so such details might make it more possible to identify someone. But obviously no one would be forced to take part in a play-date feature, just like they're not forced to reveal other identifying profile information if they don't want to. But yes, theoretically, someone could post the names of their entire family, complete with SSNs and birth dates.

Let's say that were to happen-- do you think that that would weaken or strengthen your potential case for liability? And do you have any support for your opinion, aside from a statement that it's a fact?

Until you do, I would say that we have a difference of opinion. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that it's an honest one, and not just that you don't like the cut of my jib.

Most of us post fairly intimate details on this website, and most of us refrain from posting information that would identify our names and addresses. Perhaps I've misunderstood what you picture this new feature achieving, but if it involves actually meeting with strangers, it will reveal the identities and addresses of the users.


On the contrary. I mean that if you are asking whether I can show you caselaw proving that websites that facilitate the sharing of information about children's interests, problems, test scores, family lives, and addresses have been held liable when that information is used to the injury of the child or the child's family, then, of course I can't. That case doesn't exist, to my knowledge. But I would be very surprised if you graduated from law school without learning that unsafe products are liability issues. New products, which have never before been the basis for a lawsuit, are not exceptions simply because they are new.

I would also note that the Davidson Institute is really about providing services to PG kids. To that end, my understanding is that DYS families are provided the contact information of other DYS families in their regions. I could be wrong. But it makes sense to me that it be a closed system to protect the families and children involved.

Can you provide case law applying products liability law to a website in a similar context? That might be one way to start a legal debate on this, but I guess we should take it offline if we wish to continue. I haven't seen anything along those lines, but would be quite interested to learn of it.

Do people here give out their addresses? If so, I was unaware of that. That alone could make someone a target for a stalker. But if so, all that would be required is a search function based on the already available address information. I was thinking of something based on the town at the most specific. In addition, in order for an exchange of user IDs in preparation for a first meetup, one wouldn't have to know any part of the other user's hidden information. But these are design/implementation details for an idea with which I know you just won't agree.

I think it's a side issue what the Davidson Institute does for its DYS families. There are users of this website not in the DYS program, and I still think it would be a useful feature for any parent-oriented website with a user base. We have a difference of opinion, but I think it won't be resolved here.

No. And I'm really not interested in debating (or researching) the likelihood that a lawsuit might be successful (in product liability or otherwise). Tort law is not my favorite. Suffice it to say that I believe that it is something DI should research thoroughly to determine the risk before adding on the service (which really is what I mean when I say that there is a liability issue).


Well, no, I haven't seen people give out addresses (schools, though, which is almost as scary). But once you arrange to meet a stranger, even if it's just at the park, they can often use that meeting to find out where you live and what you look like.


I think this bulletin board is probably the tiniest little bit of what DI does. It seems pretty insignificant compared to the rest of DI's services.

We certainly do disagree a lot, don't we.

LOL Speechie - I didn't mean to frighten you. If you are a wimp than so am I - I just wasn't sure exactly how desperate you were! We did get a dog in hopes of taking some of the burden off of me - but there weren't a match. Keep your eyes open for some sib substitutes you can borrow. Meanwhile the grandmothers sound wonderful.

Smiles,
Grinity

K'sMom --

Very cool about the advanced immersion class. I am always jealous of people who live in places with school choices that work for them. My dh is Air Force, so our luck may change... for better or for worse...

Thanks Clay. We really did luck into it. I was looking for summer camps for language and found this program. Then when we went to see it I was overjoyed by the academics, plus it was when I got a full reality dose on my kiddo. Up until that point I had no true understanding of how far advanced she was in comparison to public school programs. I was in complete shock when I realized that my child, at the time 2, could easily do everything the 4 yr old class did and about half of the kindergarten curriculum. (All in English, however.) Which meant she was capable of 1st and 2nd grade in the public schools. But we still hesitated to enroll her there since A. we already enrolled her in the preschool and would lose the registration and B. knew that if we did go that route it would be hard to pull her out and put her in the public school which was 2 years behind this program. But we learned the hard way and made the switch. We have been very happy with the school. And trust me ... I know the struggles people on this board go through so I definitely thank my lucky stars for finding this place. I just hope DD stays challenged.

Thanks for all of the replies!
a quick update.
We've found a kid locally who is a good match for outdoors/playground time. It's not a perfect match, but I took your advice and found a 4 yo for Nick to play with. The library trip wasn't so good as Nick's skills are more advanced and he became frustrated with his friend, BUT the outdoors playtimes are going well, and though Nick is still physically more agile/advanced they play really well together!
Good luck to all who have kids starting preschool in the fall. I need more vibes that perhaps we'll find a real peer in the classroom! (A girl's gotta dream, you know?)