My DS is being bullied by one particular kid in class. He goes 3 days a week, for 3 hours. The incidents happen every school day. Pushing, hitting, taking toys, yelling and screaming, and getting very close to DS's face. Teacher thought he had social skills issues, but he was too afraid and overwhelmed to join in during play time while this boy was around. My son was afraid to tell me, he thought I would get mad at him. I have talked to the teacher and she said she would keep an eye out, but things are still happening.

At what point do you tell your child to fight back? If the teachers won't intervene, what should I do next?

Why won't the teacher do anything? For this kind of behavior at our pre-k a teacher was assigned to shadow the problem child and redirect/intervene etc. every time something happened. Problem kids have also been counseled out.

If the teacher is aware and the situation is not improving switching programs may be the only option (e.g. vote with your dollars and feet).

You may also wish to document each incident. Work with your child to get a clear idea of background setting or circumstances, and also who said (or did) what. Document in brief bullet points, keeping each action in chronological order.

Bullying has been discussed on several threads. Here is one post.

You may wish to tell your child to say in a loud, firm voice, "STOP. Don't push/hit/take that from me" each time the child pushes/hits/takes things from him. Benefits may include:
1) Your child appropriately stands up for himself.
2) Bully receives direct instruction to stop.
3) Teacher may become aware of incidents, if not already aware.
4) Other children may become aware of incidents, if not already aware, thereby reducing bully's influence.

This sets off major alarm bells. In your previous thread
http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....r/203087/gonew/1/PreK_Social_Issues.html you said "His teacher had questions about social problems." Now that this bullying has come to light, which the teacher must surely have noticed, it is clear the teacher has been blaming the victim. I'd say this pre-K environment is toxic and you need to get out immediately.

Agree with 22B! The teacher doesn't solve the problem and blame on your son, better to change to another preschool.

Agree, with the biggest concern being that the teacher was oblivious to this happening in a three year old class in the first place. I wouldn't even call this bullying yet, at this age, just a child with a lack of social skills acting out, but this is the job of a preschool teacher to be aware of and intervene. Well, and stereotyping your son isn't much better I guess. Find another school.

I would give serious thought to leaving the school or at least asking for separation from the other child and perhaps the teacher.

But my first order of business would be to book a meeting with the headmaster / director (whatever the name) and explain the situation. Do this as soon as possible. The teacher is not doing her job adequately by a long shot! She is failing to protect your son, completely misleading you about your child's development, and not teaching the boy who is hitting appropriate behaviour.

As a side note, I am reminded when my first DS was almost 3... I got a call from his Montessori pre-school saying another child (nearly 4) had bit him. At pickup I learned the other child was sent home for the day as a result. They wanted to impress upon him this kind of behaviour (behaviour he knew was unacceptable) would not be tolerated.

I took dd out of pre k recently for the same reason. We had issues relating to gt anyway but the bullying was the final straw. All I wanted was the teacher to acknowledge a problem and shadow / work with the agressive kid. Instead she victim blamed my dd. in the end I cut short our meeting told dd to get her bag and walk out never to return.

I know our kids need to learn to stand up for them selves and that we can't fight all their battles etc, but at such a young age I wanted my dd to get the message loud and clear - she will never be subjected to violence if hostility without having someone to defend her.

Hoagies has this list here of schools:
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/schools.htm

Some of the schools do have pre-k gifted program.

Alternately maybe a search for a NAEYC accredited pre-k program might be helpful.

A gifted 4 year old may not have that much in common with other 4 year olds (so maybe just going to a local park might be more useful and cheaper than pre-k since running around like crazy is one activity kids can do together).

Although some might say that acting out would tend to occur in interactions with various children, therefore form a pattern which in general may be noticed by the teacher. From the OP, it appears the perp's actions may be directed at one child, who may be targeted for the aggression. Additionally the perp may choose his timing so that his aggressions remain covert, characteristic of deceit/manipulation.

And, though not coming down one way or the other on this specific case, I will point out that antisocial behavior patterns have as much predictive accuracy as intelligence at age 3. (In a fifteen minute playground observation.) That is, the relational profile is as stable from age 3 to 16 as measures of intelligence are. (Not very stable, but somewhat.) Prosocial/antisocial skills become stable at about the same age as intelligence, too (around age 8-10), meaning that antisocial behavior patterns become entrenched and largely intractable to treatment around the end of third grade. (See the work of Hill Walker.)

Thus the lack of teacher intervention in the behavior/lack of social skills of the aggressor is extremely significant in the developmental trajectory of that child, and their likely future isolation from prosocial peers.

I was on a tablet last night and couldn't type ...

but I wanted to say go with your gut, at the end of the day, do you trust this teacher to care for your child in a way that makes you feel comfortable? Bullies will pop up everywhere, no point changing school to avoid the bully, but you do need to have competent adults in charge.

So if you don't have confidence in the teacher, the answer becomes a lot clearer

Little kids to mean stuff sometimes. They don't always mean to harm the person(they may be being friendly in their mind) but they are not able to see things from other perspectives. So under four I wouldn't use words like bully.

BUT: that is the reason pre-schools have a lower student/teacher ratio. It is their job to notice, redirect and help the child develop better skills.

One thing my kids were both taught was to hold out their hand palm facing forward and say in aloud, firm voice "STOP, I don't like that. This attracted the teacher's attention and warned the other child. If the situation resolved at that point no intervention was required, if not the teacher had had time to get there.

We had a pre-k bully issue. A girl who was very very socially facile, bullying beyond her years, targeted my kiddo. By Spring the girl had come up with a nasty song about my kid.

We left the school.

The teachers were bad. I couldn't believe how clueless they were. We had a 'come to Jesus' meeting toward the end of the year and it was disheartening to see how they had missed so much of what was going on.

I remember one day my kiddo was so anxious and the teacher had such dead snake eyes when she made eye contact plus the bullying I knew was going on, I wouldn't let him go to school. I just took him home.

So, imo if it's daily, repeated targeting, you leave the school asap and you make sure the school board knows why. Somebody needs more training.

Thank you everyone, for your comments. We were out of town for a bit and just got back.

We have talked with DS about standing up for himself and have discussed the instigator with his teacher. I have broached the subject of changing schools with my hubs, but he doesn't think it is necessary. Also, the area we live in is very competitive with pre school admissions. It takes a long time to get acceptance, most have waiting lists. Please don't think this is an accuse not to change schools, I am just giving you all and idea of what we are dealing with. None of the schools listed on Hoagies is in our area.

Monday I will talk with his teacher again. See what is being done about the situation. Maybe we can move DS to another preschool class? He is in the younger 4's class, they have an older 4's class.

amielynn38- for the future (not a solution to your immediate problem), consider taekwondo. DS was in preK when he started and is now nearly eight. It helps with bullying by teaching kids how to appropriately stand up for themselves.

I think it helps DS (he has a bully at school right now too) know that he doesn't need to be physically afraid. The words hurt too, but it's awful to feel physically fearful.

Bullying is sure rear it's head again-- and can feel just as bad (or worse) later than it does now.

Also, I wanted to mention that DS did/does beautifully around younger kids. I know people get concerned about academics, but I wouldn't sweat that too much in preK, when you can easily cover the bases at home. DS loved (still loves) the sillier games that younger kids play, and he likes to "help" which he can do when he's playing with someone younger.

Thanks cammom. We called a Taekwondo place last week. We are going to check it out soon. I think it will help tons. Specifically with the self esteem issues. Hubs and I are going to talk to the teacher on Monday and the administration thereafter to see about moving him into the older class.