Do I just feel guilty all the time because I'm a mother now and that is just how it is?

I constantly feel guilty anymore. DD took 2 or 3 naps (longer than 10 minutes) this ENTIRE WEEK. I need alone time. I feel so guilty because I love her and I know she wants to be with me, but I need a break. I went and picked up food today and left her with DH for an hour. I even ate most of mine in the car so I could be alone. I felt guilty for leaving her, and guilty for enjoying it. Then I felt guilty for eating crappy food when I am breastfeeding her (and also enjoying said food.)

I feel guilty because she fusses and cries with DH, but if I don't have him watch her for a bit, I'm gonna go nuts.

Last night, DH and I went on our 2nd date since DD was born. I felt guilty for having alcohol, guilty for eating crappy, and guilty for leaving DD home because we saw other babies eating out (and guilty for also enjoying myself ha.)

I feel guilty for wanting to "deprive" her of junk food, tv, and plastic toys (I am mostly successful at this so far.) Then I feel guilty when I sit her in front of the TV with some plastic toys my mom gave her to watch a baby signs DVD or Word World because I am desperate to cook some food, etc. I feel guilty because I don't feed her food enough and feel too tired to make purees after cooking our time and labor intensive whole foods meals. (I am waiting for more teeth. She has two only.)

Then I feel guilty when I give her a big chunk of plum or whatever to gnaw on because my motives suck. I generally give her food so she will be busy for a bit and not because I am a good mother feeding her baby like she should.

I feel guilty because we don't go out enough because it is way too hot here. I feel guilty she has some plastic toys and is around stuff in my house that probably has flame retardant and other nasties in it. I feel guilty for using our poor dog to "baby-sit" so DD stays busy playing with her for awhile (next to me, of course, while I read these forums or something.)

I also really suck as a housewife and I'm certainly spending way more money on things than my fledgling business is bringing in. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

I basically just feel like a crap mother, but I feel guilty when I do things and guilty when I don't do the same things, so really, how can I win?

Maybe this should go on MDC or something, but most of my guilt stems from me probably being too idealistic and a perfectionist and from DD never sleeping and needing so so so much from us. You all might understand some of this. But maybe I take it way too far.

A big part of mother hood is feeling guilty and it's really not fair becuase most Moms need more support.

You need a break, and don't have to do everything perfect to be a great Mom. One thing I wish I did was specifically put time aside for dating and myself. If you do this you will help yourself be a better Mom.

My kids are 8 and 11 now. This all will pass. Try to treasure the good things you have and give yourself a pat on the back.

Thank you. I am considering joining a local Zumba class on weekend mornings. I would also like to just go hide in the local library for a few hours, but I bet exercise will help me more.
DH plays soccer every weekend for a few hours and he sure doesn't act guilty for it! What I don't like is how miserable DD acts when I leave her just with DH. But maybe some alone time together will help the two of them.

By letting her stay with your husband, you are providing the very valuable opportunity for the two of them to develop their own relationship. Not letting them have time alone together would be cheating both of them. Seriously.

Children have two parents. Adults need time to themselves, time without another body on them and at them. You are better equipped to be the great mommy you want to be when you have had an hour or so to yourself knowing that your DD is in good hands - and I'm sure that with your DH counts as being in good hands.

As someone who firmly believes in the virtues of whole foods, the dangers of xeno-estrogens, and the mind-numbing effects of TV, I can tell you that, despite the occasional "lapse", you are almost certainly providing a much cleaner, healthier, and supportive environment for your child than the overwhelming majority of children will ever experience. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

I will be blunt here. I only feel free to do this because I've been exactly where you are (in Florida in the summer in a new home, no less), and if someone hadn't been blunt with me, things might have gone very differently, and not at all well. Your child will not be stunted developmentally because you ate junk food because it was quick and easy and tasted good a few times while you were breastfeeding, and your child will not be stunted developmentally because she occasionally played with a plastic toy from Grandma, and she will not be stunted developmentally because you let her sit in front of Sesame Street for thirty minutes once in a while while you actually ate a meal and talked to another grown up human being, but having a mother who gives herself a mental breakdown from trying to live to an impossible standard could do real damage.

Your job is not to be the perfect mother. Your job is to be a good-enough mommy for the child you have to get what she needs - not everything she wants. And that starts with taking care of yourself well enough so that you can take care of her without having a breakdown.

I'd send hugs, but the last thing you probably want right now is someone hanging all over you, so I'll just send a virtual sensory deprivation chamber instead.

HTH

What aculady says! Also, though, there's absolutely no reason your DD should be getting purees or any special food, and actually, every reason why she shouldn't. So please don't feel guilty about that! Teeth are absolutely not necessary for dealing with lumps - feel those gums! (The teeth that arrive early are not even helpful for dealing with lumps, if you think about it.) I basically never cooked special food for my DS; he sat at the table with us and had a bit of whatever we were eating that I thought he might fancy, maybe mashed with a fork if I thought he wouldn't be able to handle it otherwise. (Babies do apparently differ in how prone they are to choking, and you do of course have to avoid serving food with non-squashable lumps of the size that could easily block the windpipe; that means no slices of frankfurter or whole grapes, though, not avoiding lumps in the mashed potato ;-) Admittedly I did occasionally decide what we were eating on the basis that I wanted to introduce something to DS! Under a year the point of food is not really nutrition, apart maybe from topping up iron stores if you're otherwise exclusively breastfeeding; it's all about being exposed to different tastes and textures and to the fun experience of eating. In fact if she doesn't get any solid food one day, it's not a big deal. Chill, and enjoy your baby!

OK, 7.5 month is a tough time to be a stay at home mom, in the summer in a hot clim, for a mom with perfectionistic view point - no question...but

Now that you've gotten it out, could you write just as passionately for just as long about how blessed you are at this moment in your life. I suspect that you could. Give it a try! Get it down in writing all the ways you are a good mom and have a good life, ok?

I agree with the rest that it's time to step back and send Dad and daughter out together into the world while you unpack the house, or leave them home while you get out. Or start looking for a regular babysitter or a housekeeper or another mom of a similar aged kid that you can trade babysitting duty while the one who's house it is gets to clean/organize.

You probably are being too idealistic and perfectionist, this appears to be your next challenge. It's a lovely challenge to have and very important to take on. If you don't then you'll turn it on DH and DD eventually, and that will break your heart as much as reading about how you turn it on yourself breaks my heart. This is YOUR life and you get to decide which voices play in your head. I'm much more worried about your 'junk food' thoughts than I am about your 'junk food' diet.

Some people don't eat food that they don't believe in - that's beautiful. But is there any restaurant within your budget that serves food that passes your standards? If so, go there - or back a romantic picnic - or something. Otherwise be suspect of those voices in your head that say you are eating 'crap.' My skin crawls when you use that word to describe your diet. What's so idealistic about beating yourself up emotionally?

So yes, my vote is for you to get tough on your 'thought patterns' and question them and to get back to the main things: Growing your relationship with your DH, learning how to get his help in a sustainable way, supporting his relationship with DD, getting the house into enough order that it can start sending some happy messages, really enjoying those local mom-friends.
It's hard that your DD cries and fusses easily - but that is who she is (Apples and trees?) and your job is to help her accept who she is, rather than treat the situation as a sign that something (her?) is terribly wrong. Some babies are just plain grumpy!

Actually you might try talking to her about it. Sort of: "I notice that something is bothering you. You senses are very alert and you notice many things and that feels uncomfortable sometimes. That's how living in a body is sometimes. We have our ups and downs." or even

"I see that something is bothering you and you are fussing, but you are being really strong - you could be crying full out now, but instead you are hanging in and observing life. Good for you. Thanks for sticking with us."

Hope that helps!
Grinity

Many parents overestimate how much their minor decisions about parenting will affect their children in the long run, leading to unwarranted feelings of guilt. I suggest reading the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids", by Bryan Caplan, discussed at http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/98909/1.html .

You could always form or join a local mom coupon group. When my wife has time, she plays with coupons. It's pretty much free money the way the stores have their coupons set up thses days and you can stock up on things.

Of course, there are some rather stange people out there in coupon world, but with the economy the way it is, this has become more popular.

Ideally, you avoid the competitive people who have taken to photographing their massive storge rooms full of 40 containers of detergent.

Do the flylady. �I must be echoing. �It re-trains your mommy brain and makes you instantly nicer to everyone in your family, including yourself. �You're part of the family too. �And so's your husband. �And so's your baby. �That's important. �Flylady will make it sink in. � And use the cozi calendar. �I put it off but it didn't really take long to import the lists after all and it's fun even if I don't do it perfect. �Hint: �it's not about cleaning. �It's called Finally Loving Yourself. �

I am overly permissive in providing a screen time rich environment. �My brother is a professional video game designer. �My dad works with movies professionally, so I'm anti-sold on the evils of electronics even though I read all the negative beliefs reguarding screen time and attention issues and �lack of imagination. �I don't know. �On one hand I can see it.

Just a thought. �I'm not saying your thread is off-topic. �You could always make a "Gifted Discussions Forum" thread in finding your tribe at MDC and invite us to your thread in your siggy so we're reminded of it & �know about it. �"Davidson Gifted Family Life Spin-Off."

Yes, that exactly. You've received a lot of great advice on this thread. My suggestion would be to pick a couple of things that you can commit to like maybe two or three times a week exercise class and getting out at least once every weekend for two hours without her. Do what recharges your batteries most - coffee with a friend, time alone reading a book, going to a matinee or whatever.

Once you commit to those things circle a date on the calendar - maybe three months for now. If you aren't feeling significantly better I think it is time to talk to a therapist and see if you would benefit from some more formalized help in learning to recognize your negative thinking patterns and find ways to get in a better place.

My thought when I read your post was: "Wow. She sure is punishing herself."

Just a few questions to ask yourself:

Is there some reason I feel the need to criticize myself? Am I replacing a parent/teacher who possibly did that because it's something that I've always had in my life?

Is it misplaced guilt because of something I really *should* feel guilt for? Have I not forgiven myself and this is how it's manifesting?

A person rarely does something self-destructive (or destructive to others) unless there is a "pay-off" in it for them. If you can figure out what that is, you may also be closer to figuring out why you feel the guilt.

Another angle: maybe you feel guilt because, just for example, you have a beautiful child, a nice home & good health, but maybe your sister/best friend had a miscarriage, lost her house and is sick? (I know it's an extreme example, but you get my drift.)

You sound like a conscientious mother whose standards are high; and that's good...if your standards don't make your and/or your family's life miserable.

You know the old cliche-"When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Welcome to motherhood.

LOL @ sensory deprivation chamber. Haha. Are you an INTP, too?
Thanks for this great response. It definitely made me feel better. I guess I just have to do my best. I like the thought of giving DH and DD more time together and remembering that it is important for them. I think part of the reason my mom was always abusive and unhappy was because she voluntarily did nothing but shop, clean the house, and be a mom. She had nothing meaningful just for herself and even now I can see it is still a source of frustration for her.
I think I need to do exercise and make sure I have time for my creative outlet (my sites.) DH gets annoyed at me sometimes when I insist on having time to write - ALONE - but I really do need it. Writing for my sites is what has been keeping me sane for the last 9 months, honestly.

Thanks. I was reading a book that wigged me out about iron, iodine and DHA. She ate some peas, broccoli and rice tonight, so that was good. I'm all for baby led weaning, honestly, I just feel like I should be giving her lots of food to try right now.






Thanks Grin. It is kind of funny you say that about writing about our blessings. I am always talking about how great life is to DH when he gets stressed out about money, or how long our grass is getting, or feeling like he has no time for college.

"Otherwise be suspect of those voices in your head that say you are eating 'crap.' My skin crawls when you use that word to describe your diet. What's so idealistic about beating yourself up emotionally? "

^^^ This kind of reminds me of how eating disorder talk sounds. But I had one of those, and this is different. One on hand, I do have some extreme thinking about it because I LOVE junk food. I grew up on it. I tried most fruits and veggies after growing up, actually. But I also had cancer and I have an autoimmune disease.

If I fail to clean up our diet and stick to a clean diet most of the time, I could be asking for a second type of cancer. I'm at a higher risk of it because I had chemo. It is scary and all the research we have supports the fact that eating a whole foods diet can help protect me from another type.

Am I a little crazy? Yes, definitely. But even my friends who think I am crazy with my food, eco-friendly cleaners, and wooden toys tell themselves I am like this because I have a good reason. (Though they also tell themselves this so they don't have to question their decision to feed their children only chicken nuggets, pizza, and hot dogs and buy all plastic toys...I don't care what they give their children, either, and I don't say anything.)

"It's hard that your DD cries and fusses easily - but that is who she is (Apples and trees?) and your job is to help her accept who she is, rather than treat the situation as a sign that something (her?) is terribly wrong. Some babies are just plain grumpy!"

I definitely agree with this. I don't think anything is wrong with DD at all. She is just spirited or whatever. I think we have many lessons ahead of us where I help her to understand her very intense emotions and learn to cope with them. Hopefully I can help her.

I agree that you've received a lot of good advice on this thread!

I think that our society has developed an idea being a perfect parent involves always being with your child and loving every minute of it. Not only do I disagree with this idea, I also believe that because nobody is perfect, trying to force yourself into a perfection mold will only result in disappointment.

I think that a lot of women (and some men) feel the same way that you do, and I expect that most or all feel like they're letting their families down because they're experiencing the exact same feelings that you described in your OP. If they hide these feelings, a myth gets perpetuated.

Exactly what Aculady said!! Great advice.

I was you 8.5 years ago. It gave me shivers to read your post. Looking back, I know I had a little PPD and it seemed to tip my perfectionism and borderline OCD over the edge. Nothing I did felt good enough and I felt anxious and unhappy about how was parenting my child. I think a lot stemmed from having a difficult child. The underlying gist from family and friends was that it was somehow my fault and I really internalized that.

I'm not going to lie.. it took a while to work myself out of that rut. I really had to lower my standards and MAKE myself say positive things out loud each day. Forced myself to list my blessings daily until they came to mind before any negative thoughts. Grinity had some great advice about thinking positively, as well.

I won't hang on you with virtual hugs either, just know you are not alone and that it will get better. (It really, really will I promise you!)

I usually come out as an INFP or an ENFP, but always very borderline on the E/I dimension and on the T/F dimension, so I'd have to give that a definite "maybe". But I vividly remember fantasizing about even 15 minutes in that sensory deprivation tank when my son was little.

I'm so glad that my reply was helpful.

Is there some reason I feel the need to criticize myself? Am I replacing a parent/teacher who possibly did that because it's something that I've always had in my life?

Sure I am. My mom and stepdad just came over tonight (they hardly ever do) and right before she left she snidely said: "Maybe you should just stop at one (kid.) That way you'll have more time to work on your website."
I said: "Maybe you should have stopped at 0, so you'd have more time to shop."
Her: "And maybe you'd have time to clean your house."

She goes on and on and on about my dirty house when she comes over. Last time she was complaining all day about a salad I made. DH doesn't even want her over half the time because she is like this. She offered to come watch DD tomorrow but ONLY if I clean my house while she here. I need to take her up on the offer, but I feel all wrong and irritated after every time I see her.

Also, I don't feel guilty because I have something others don't. I mostly can't believe I have such a good life and that I am finally in a happy loving family situation. The guilt for things is driving me a bit batty, but I feel very very lucky right now. I feel blessed that I can even afford to buy this organic food and other things that a lot of people can't afford. I feel blessed that we are all currently healthy and that I have such a bright beautiful little girl! I am tired, though.


La Texican, I am on flylady right now and I am finally signing up again. When I think of undertaking more things to fix myself / my life, I sort of get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like I'm tackling so many tasks that I'm not good at. Being a first time mom, taking care of a house, cooking healthy food, working on my business... Ugh. Such an uncomfortable feeling of not being successful at any of it yet. I keep telling myself over and over -- Anything worth having is worth working for. I remind myself that I get good at things when I work hard at them and it doesn't mean I'm stupid / a failure when I can't do them right away.

When DD was born she would not latch at all. I never was able to breastfeed successfully, not even for a minute. She was not gaining weight, had horrible reflux, unexplained fevers, and undiagnosed seizures. Then, the first night home from the hospital a natural disaster of sorts turned our world upside-down.

It was awful. But, looking back on it, there was a silver lining. I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be perfect. DD's short life was already kind of screwed up, and that was quite freeing. I just did my best. But, there was no ideal.

I would not change a thing. In the end I know I was an outstanding mother that first year.

Practical advice: Learn how to get her to fall asleep in a back carrier (ergo), and make sure she is getting enough sleep during the day. This is way more important than feeding her organic. That should be your priority. IMO healthy sleeps are more important than healthy eats.

It sounds like you had to deal with a lot!

She definitely won't let me keep her in a carrier anymore for any extended period of time. She wants to be walking around. Do you have any advice for enforcing sleep? DD seems to have given up naps almost, taking them only once every few days now. She sleeps from 1am to 9 or 10 am and takes a few short 10-30 minute naps during the day after nursing. I KNOW she is tired, but I have no clue how to get her to sleep. She won't even necessarily sleep if I take her in our bedroom, have the blinds closed and stay with her in bed.


I've spent over an hour in there at times, nursing her almost to sleep over and over again. We end up just playing around the whole time and eventually I give up. She'll be rubbing her eyes still but be way too stuffed with milk to want to nurse anymore, or she'll suddenly get a second burst of energy and my attempts are in vain.

Hmm. Maybe it is my cup of coffee? I've tried giving that up for a few days, but nothing happened so I went back to it because it is something I look forward to every morning and very much enjoy.

I'd certainly think that if it was your coffee, giving it up for a few days would have demonstrated it, so I doubt it's that.

How much can you leave her alone (in a safe space!) before she becomes distressed? At all? Might be worth practising that (leave her alone but just not long enough for her to get upset about it) and gradually extending it, in the hope that she might sometimes just put herself to sleep if she's on her own and tired. I know, but stranger things have happened, and being able to play on one's own is a valuable skill to have anyway ;-)

Personally I'm not against some screen time; I think you've said that you feel differently, but it might be worth thinking how strongly you feel that and why, and whether there is something you would be happy with. At this age DS used to love the Baby Einstein DVDs, of which I like just about everything except the name! Visually interesting with interesting music, no worrying content, to my mind, and he used to enjoy knowing what was going to come next.

I think in your place, though, I'd be doing everything I could think of to get DD to sleep before 1am. You mentioned that there's a lot of noise and disturbance when DH comes home - I wonder whether you could change anything so as to minimise that? Reading NCSS for the sleep cycle info and seeing whether you can adapt it to fit your DD might be helpful, as you'll probably find there are stages in her sleep cycle when she'll wake at the slightest noise and other times when she'll sleep through much more. Maybe if you experiment with when you start trying to get her to sleep, you can arrange that she's in deep sleep when there's noise, and she'll stay asleep?

There are 2 separate things here.

You can make choices in life that are different from the crowd because of your life-experience.

You can beat yourself up emotionally because you are in the early process of learning to deal with your inner directed perfectionism and aren't quite there yet.

Those are 2 separate issues and I think it helps to separate them in your self talk. I promise you that you will die someday of something. I hope you find a way to live that doesn't speed that up. The question is - to what extent will you ruin today over it?

The whole point of having ideals is that they are ideal and if a person could easily live up to their ideals then those ideals would be too low, yes? So how are you going to treat yourself when you don't live up to your ideals? It's not ok let those destructive thoughts run around over and over in your head 'because' X happened in the past. Those are 2 unrelated - although intertwined - things.

It is perfectly fine to make whatever choices you choose about your diet and environment. It's normal to have the bit of warning guilt in your belly for a bit of time after you don't live up to your ideal. BUT - If you are feeling overwhelmed with remorse...ut oh - you are being aggressive towards yourself, and using the 'slips' as an excuse. I hope that's clear enough.

The reason I asked you to write the positives, is to check if you are just plain depressed. Given the 'no sleep' and '24/7' nature of the job, it's something to be wary of.

Peace,
Grinity

Just on the food thing, which is possible (as in it's possible with any person, I am not diagnosing your child over the internet!). If she does have a food issue, depending on what it is, and there are many possibilities, chances are it will be too hard to pick up by eliminating a few obvious foods or drinks.

Coffee for example - if it's cafine that's the issue I don't know how long it would take to see an improvement, ColinsMum could be correct that it would take only a few days. But Coffee is also a strong Salicylate, if she has a Salicylate issue it will likely take longer than a few days to see a change AND you would have to eliminate all Salicylate, and coffee is just the tip of the iceberg there.

We missed my youngest DDs food issues for a long time because I tried just eliminating dairy and it didn't help much. Which would be cause she needed to be off Dairy, gluten, eggs, soy, salicylate, aimines, colours, preservatives, flavours. Once we got her diet right she stopped screaming, started sleeping, all manner of things got a lot better. And we KNOW when we make a diet mistake.

Wow Island of Apples - You are Overcoming the effects of never learning how to work hard at something. It's possible that those voices in your head are - besides mom - left over from the confusion Gifted kids feel when they never have the chance to learn how to learn or learn how to deal with the discomfort of the early stages of learning.
Telling yourself over and over that hard work is good work is about the only way to gain this important skill - handling challenge.
Good for you! What a great role model you'll be for your DD. Lots of my motivation for getting a 'good-enough' educational setting for my son is so that he doesn't have to get to adulthood before he has the experience of meeting and overcoming challenges on a regular basis (like me.) You Go Girl!

You didn't ask, but since, like your house, your mom is part of your environment, I'll suggest you get ahold of any of Suzette Hayden Elgin's 'Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense' books. You mom is probably also a gifted perfectionist - and sometimes that perfectionism is turned outwards. She really really wants your house clean and nurturing just like you really really want your diet clean and nuruturing, and I really really want your 'thought-diet' clean and nuruturing. We are intense people.

Sometimes that intensity gets to the point where we want attention, and don't particularly care if the attention is positive or negative. Sounds like your mom has gotten into the habit of feeling frustrated that things aren't the cool way she can imagine them, and is willing to be quite mean and harsh to get your attention. Or she's a sadist and an effective one. But either way, you are 'feeding a troll' as she 'trawls for your hot buttons' and gets an energy-transfusion when you zing her back. If she were your teenaged daughter - how would you handle her? ((there's a scary thought))

Howard Glasser turns about turning this negative energy into Rocket Fuel. Every time you tell yourself that 'big jobs take hard work' go prove that you are up to the task by doing something - anything nuruturing. I remember so distinctly the time I couldn't get in touch with DH, and I was worried about where he was, and I made the consious choice to funnel that energy into cleaning my sock drawer.

As Flylady says - I didn't take out more than 30 minutes of stuff to sort through - just only one drawer. I funneled all that worry and anger into sorting those socks. All the ones I didn't love or need went out to bless someone else! DH soon arrived with some perfectly reasonable explaination, and I quickly forgot about that whole part of the story - but every time I opened the sock drawer I heard the words in my mind "You CAN organize your enviornment. Your hard work DOES make a difference. You DO deserve a good environment!"

BTW - clutter and perfectionism go hand in hand. I know because once in the early days of deluttering, I decluttered a cord that I really needed. Finally I heard those voices clearly that had been running in the backround: "You can't be trusted to make good decisions! You make mistakes and that is unforgivable! How could you be so stupid!"
It was eye-opening. I forgave myself for putting off de-cluttering for so long. I went online and spent 5$ to replace the cord. I told myself - ok - if the price of living in a beautiful nurturing home is that I'll occasionally have to pay for my mistakes, then I'll do it gladly. I don't believe that mistakes are unforgivable and I decide to forgive myself right NOW.

My son was about 5 at the time. He spilled some water at the table that week. He started to cry. I knew what to do! I told him:
"Everyone makes messes. Big boys clean up their messes. Let's get the paper towels and do it right now!" I've been re-parenting myself right along with him all the way. I'm still re-teaching myself how to deal with mistakes and messes - but it's so much easier now.

Thanks for the reminders,
Grinity

I'm a big believer in using hypnosis to change things on a subconscious level. If you find after the changes you're making your guilt hasn't subsided, you may wish to look into it.

Good luck.

I saw this article and wanted to share...

http://www.npr.org/blogs/babyprojec...you-down-youre-not-alone?sc=fb&cc=fp

also, since we can all use a little laugh sometimes

http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/2010/10/guilty-not-guilty.html

Yep. Those both about covered it. Thanks-they're really good.

Eek! I have the same mom! I feel irritated and wrong when my mom is around too. My mom somehow raised two kids and had a perfect house and perfectly manicured nails that she did herself (!) and made homemade food from scratch for every meal, etc. etc.

My mom tells me I need a housekeeper since I work outside the home and my stay-at-home husband obviously isn't up to the task! She says "good thing you only have one child" also. She is critical about everything even though in my real life/world I am a very well respected professional and a GREAT mom if I do say so myself!

My mom has gotten stuck in her development towards becoming a full person, so it helps me to think of her as a 5 year old when she starts talking like that. It used to really irritate me, but I can visualize her in a different way and it helps.

I am not the kind of mom she was. We are not the kind of family I grew up in. We have made our own way.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone! I envy my friends who have moms that are really helpful and considerate. One of my friend's mom periodically cleans her house for her in exchange for a different favor. Wow.

I get the guilt thing. I have sort of a traumatic story about how I got over mine, but the guilt is mostly gone. I'm happy with what I do now and happy happy happy with my family!

kate

Hi all,

I suffer from the same "voice of mom" in my head often, too. My mom passed away a few years ago after a serious brain issue - I'm over that part, but the guilt goes on. I look at how well my children have turned out, though, and think that I must be doing somethings right. When I think about what a holy terror I was at their respective ages, I shudder.

Anyway, I too have been housework-averse for years and when I quit my job to go to do PhD full time, I promised my husband that I would keep the house clean (couldn't afford cleaning lady, didn't want to make him do it). I have been reading Fly Lady (flylady.net) for about a year now, and it's been like a course in, like Grinity said, reparenting. I have real routines, I have set things I do on set days, etc. I think other people learn this at home, but learning it now is making a huge difference.

It reminds me of a post on another thread where someone commented about how gifted kids are excited to learn the big things and don't care about the basics, like math facts. I'd rather build a house than learn about how to clean one! But, finally, I need to know, and I'm willing to learn.

JennyM

Sorry about your mom. My mother developed a serious brain issue immediately after having minor surgery almost nine years ago. I still feel a little guilty because I didn't really listen to her when she tried to tell me she had a bad feeling about having the surgery and I told her she would be fine. She wasn't. She is alive but doesn't know me and is probably less capable of taking care of herself than someone with severe mental retardation when she was once one of the smartest people I ever knew because she read all the time. There were always piles of books at her house. Her house was clean but cluttered, kind of like mine. She could carry on a conversation about almost anything. She loved to watch Jeopardy and could answer more of those questions than I ever could. She did crossword puzzles every day. She told the best jokes. She gave wonderful advice. There have been so many times in the last nine years that I wished I could ask her for advice.

Not only should I spend more time cleaning my house but my dad is in his late 70's and still takes care of my mother at home feeding her, bathing her, changing her diapers, everything. I should do more to help him, but I also need to homeschool my son who is twice exceptional and is going through some very difficult times with scoliosis issues. He has another doctor's appointment this week and if he has had another progression they will probably suggest surgery which of course terrifies me because of what happened to my mother. My mother's surgery was supposed to be easy. Spinal fusion surgery is major surgery with all kinds of risks. My son is worried about it and I don't know what to say to make him feel better. It is hard to concentrate on learning with that hanging over our heads and I feel guilty making him do math when he is worried about that and I feel guilty if he doesn't do math. I feel guilty when my anxiety about all of this gets out of hand and I can't enjoy life and end up crying when my family takes me out for my birthday.

But sometimes I manage to stop and look at those other people who are judgmental and I imagine them trying to walk in my shoes or my dad's shoes. I don't think they could deal with all of this as well as we are.

I don't think those judgmental people can see the beauty and love in my dad caring for his wife that he loved so dearly that he is willing to do without pain medication so he can be alert enough to take care of her. They tell him to put her in a nursing home. They don't understand the beauty and love involved in homeschooling a child who is gifted but has mild disabilities. They think I should put him in our small town school and deal with bullies and one size fits all education because it is good enough for their kids.

"They don't understand the beauty and love involved in homeschooling a child who is gifted but has mild disabilities. They think I should put him in our small town school and deal with bullies and one size fits all education because it is good enough for their kids."

Thanks, Lori. That's a beautiful story about your parents and congratulations for having the courage to do the right thing for your son.

People don't understand, until they understand.

Good luck to your son, too. Major surgeries for young people are generally safer because they are in better overall health, I suppose. My mom had a genetic blood clotting condition that made her surgeries much more risky. Maybe his doctors could give him some more information or help involve him in the decision making processes to relieve his anxiety.

We do have the same mom! I also think of my mom in terms of being a little kid (my therapist said my mom probably mentally sort of is). I don't say this to her and wouldn't, of course.

I remember she said something particularly nasty about / to my step-dad and I later told her she should not say things like that and I carefully explained to her how the things she said to him could wound him. She got all quiet and asked me how I know these things. I generally tell her my therapist taught me (whether or not that happens to be true). I did go for a year after I married DH, because I wanted to learn how to not abuse my family like she did.

It is kind of sad that my mom acts this way.
She came over the other day and I told her that I feel like she is my teenage sister a lot or that I am the parent by the way she acts (and even the way my dad acts sometimes.) She actually took that in stride and didn't object. Then I said I know she is frustrated because she wants to be creative. That she feels like everything she does is meaningless and that she lashed out at us growing up because she felt depressed about it. And that she is afraid to do anything (like start a business doing something artistic) for fear of failing at it.

Her immediate response was "It is only worth doing something if it is PERFECT."

Ok, well, now I know where I got it from.