I can't believe I'm writing this post. I had a really unpleasant conversation with a very close friend of mine. We've had some slightly tense conversations before about some of my child-rearing choices, but I guess I kept believing that if we could just talk things through enough we'd come to understand each other. She can be a bit prickly and judgmental, but she's a long-time friend of the family and has seen me through some really rough times in the past.

Anyway, she came down to visit and I decided to finally "come out" to her about my ponderings about giftedness and homeschooling (Hanni is only 2, so I could have kept it quiet for a lot longer.) It did not go well. Actually, it went really badly, and then she apologized, and we talked some more, and I thought things were really okay, and we'd even learned something about communicating with each other.

And then this morning I sent her an e-mail with one more thought, which I thought would just further help to allay some of her concerns, and she BLASTED me. It's becoming clear that she has issues with everything, from my choice to co-sleep, and continue nursing at age 2, and not put Hanni in pre-school yet, up to and including my plan to homeschool. And she has some very strong opinions about how I would end up homeschooling Hanni, and what my motivations for doing it are, which are not based in reality at all. And it is also clear that a big part of what was fueling her angry-cat-biting-me reaction was the whole issue of Hanni being gifted and my eagerness to do right by her on that score.

(This friend is childless, so I really really didn't get it how much of an emotional hook this whole giftedness thing is for her. I think it has to do with her issues about herself, and her feeling less than successful in her career and life. The irony is, when I was growing up, her and her family were the smartest people we knew, and I used to wait all year for summer when we could see them again. I even told her that last night.)

Am I a textbook case or what? I really thought my peeps would be different.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. It can be SO hard to have to keep silent about such a big thing in your life. It sounds like your friend does have some issues of her own that she is confronting. I hope that, with some time, the tenseness can pass. Unfortunately, I think that this particular friend should not be the one with whom you discuss this aspect of your daughter. Gifted discussions don't always go well IRL. Thankfully, that's what we're here for.

That is awful.

Parenting is so divisive, no matter what you do you are going to put someone off. And childless people are worse. I wish I could take back some of the things I said before I had children.

MegMeg... Sent you a PM
It's the blinking envelope on top of the screen

So sorry MegMeg. I've had similar experiences with my sister. You are in good company here.
Chrys

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've definitely had similar experiences too and even lost contact permanently with a friend who was in our wedding. This was a friend who was not married and had no children either.

I had one friend though who was my toughest customer when we first told her we were going to switch to homeschooling. She said some not very nice things about it. Both her and her husband have taught public school. She went on to research it for a year and is now homeschooling her kindergartner. So sometimes those that attack and question you the most can become huge advocates later!

Good luck! I know that's no fun and very stressful. Clearly, that friend has no clue what parenthood feels like. Since you suspect she is GT, I wonder what her own school experience was like? Interesting.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have had similar experiences IRL. There are definately some strong feelings regarding both GT and homeschooling.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My best friend is a teacher and if I bring up my son's intelligence in an email she doesn't respond...period. If I talk about it she changes the subject. I'm not sure what is so offensive to her about it. I feel kind of lonely because I feel I can't really talk to anyone about it except for my husband. So I know where you're coming from unfortunately.

LBLCMama, I am in exactly the same situation. Best friend is a teacher and we simply can't talk about it anymore. We have completely opposing views on everything from early entry to kids attending schools which have a high gifted cohort. Family don't believe in giftedness and I just haven't bothered to mention it to other friends - just smile along when they share their kids' achievements and mumble something incoherent when they ask about my daughter! I kind of hoped to meet a whole new group of people when I became a parent, but instead I just hang back and keep quiet. It is very isolating.

Ari
http://mumofagiftedgirl.blogspot.com/

Thanks everyone!

Unfortunately, I don't think this is going to be a case of "tough customer who comes around." It seems to be more emotional than about having reasons that could be argued against.

Yes, it is really difficult not having people to talk to. In my case, I don't even have a husband/partner to talk to! But at least the grandparents are on-board. I come from an academic family, so my parents totally get it and they are insanely proud of Hanni. When I need to, I can always go brag to the grandparents!

Another difficult point for me, though, is that I have a sister with a severely disabled child. I have to be careful even talking to her about Hanni's normal milestones, and discussing giftedness is out of the question.

It's good of you to be sensitive, and every person is different, but your sister may come around. I have a good friend with a developmentally disabled child. I was always careful about discussing my HG+ child around her before we became good friends because I didn't want to make her feel bad or sad. But because we were homeschooling, she asked me a lot of questions and I told the truth in as unassuming a way as I could.

She was one of the people most understanding about DS8's needs when I talked with her about them. She is able to accept that not everyone fits neatly under the big bump in the Bell Curve.

I always try to be sensitive to her feelings, of course, and I am not a competitive person when it comes to kids anyway. I hate that stuff. And she is very much a person who accepts difference as a matter of course, so that's part of it, too.

Her child is older, so maybe with time it will get easier with your sister, too?

I'll be hopeful for you.

Am I the only one who doesn't back away from these conversations? The way I see it, giftedness needs to come out of the closet, and the more people get used to hearing (and not fearing) the word, the more progress we will make.

I'm not rude or braggy about it (at least, I don't think so), but if someone asks me "how is school going" I'm going to answer about the boredom and the behavior and this new debilitating fear of a challenge. And in turn I will listen sympathetically to whatever concerns or successes the other parent wants to express. I just don't see any point in being dishonest or avoiding the conversation entirely.

I guess I treat it more as a subtopic under the umbrella "all kids struggle with something" rather than "whose kid is best." Hopefully, that comes through!

I sure hope your friend comes around, MegMeg. She is obviously very dear to you.

The first time I talked about it with a friend, it took a lot of courage, but since then I've just stopped thinking about it as something to hide. The other day I had a conversation with a (not-close) friend about Waldorf schools and why I don't think they're always the greatest (because they're not always accepting of kids who develop off schedule). She seemed really turned-off all of a sudden, and it didn't even occur to me that I'd been talking about giftie stuff until a few days later. Oh well--if she can't handle it, she's not the sort of friend I want/need anyway.

I didn't back away at all at first - but then again, I was still pretending that everyone was 'just like me' and couldn't figure out what was scaring people. My social skills fail me at unpredictable time, and since I'm so 'out there' by nature I epic fail. Or maybe that is just my perfectionism talking?

Nowadays I'm a funny mix, and try to fit each discussion to the situation. But I do have the habit of 'avoiding' those areas when possible, and thinking twice before I venture.

We do need to win the heart and minds of our ND neighbors and friends.

Hummmm
Grnity

I predict that as time passes, and your daughter gets involved in more gifted activities, you will make new friends who are more accepting and availible - and maybe even in the same boat. Look for local gifted groups - most states have them, and Mensa, and conferences. It's sort of like falling down the rabbit hole, once you get your foot in the door, there is a whole world of people.

Smiles,
Grinity

I tend to wade in cautiously, but yes, I am honest about our situation when it seems appropriate. I tend to keep quiet when people are bragging about their kids--as I said, I don't like competitive parenting--and naturally, I gravitate toward people who accept that giftedness exists. But I prefer to be honest and open in my life, and I'm not really interested in allowing giftedness to seem like a dirty little secret. I went through a time when it felt like that, and it was uncomfortable for me.

Frankly, at a certain point, HG+ kids are far enough ahead that milestones and things of that nature aren't really so much of an issue anymore. For example, DS8 is learning pre-algebra. People see his math workbook or ask him what he's learning about, and they get what's what. I don't have to say a word. If they ask why he's so far ahead or why we're homeschooling, I explain. If not, that's fine, too.

So it gets better.

A happier follow-up:

I talked at length to a different friend, someone I've known since high-school and who is raising three very academically ordinary kids. Knowing her, I was pretty sure she wouldn't have an issue, and I was right. I told her about my fight with the other friend, and about Hanni being gifted. And she said, "You can tell me Hanni is a genius and I'll still love you." (Actually, first she said, "I already knew that.")

And then she said something very interesting. She thinks that the people who freak out are actually judging their own kids (or themselves). They really do think smarter is better. When they hear that someone else's kid is smarter, they actually, for a moment, like their own kid a little less. And that's unacceptable to them, so they have to make gifted-kid go away.

Then my friend said, "It's okay with me if you have a great career, and if Hanni is gifted, because I like my life and I like my kids."

Oh, also, friend #1 acknowledged that she was freaking out and having issues, and she apologized very sincerely. We're not exactly back to being okay, but we're getting there.

Glad to hear. ITA with friend #2 that if someone freaks out, it's all about them. I wonder if something happened in friend #1's life in relation to being gifted? Like a negative experience of being labeled or not being labeled and thinking there was something wrong with her? Just something that crossed my mind...

Meetup.com has local groups for parents of gifted kids.

I keep harping on this, but if we can emphasize that everyone has a unique amalgam of traits and is an individual, much of that weirdness disappears. Giftie parents often do have experiences more similar to developmentally disabled kids' parents than to run of the mill kids who can "fit in."

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! I see WAY too much of the "keep your head down" approach in parents of gifted kids, and I always say to them, how can we possibly convince these kids it's a good thing, not something to hide or be ashamed of, if we act like we're afraid to talk about it?? It's not always so much a matter of using the "G-word" (though I think it can only help to increase awareness of what giftedness is), just of being honest when you're dealing with a child who is highly intelligent and has perfectly legitimate special needs because of that.

Sorry to hear this... I "came out" to a friend the other day abt the fact that my DS8 is EG .. and how this came with many problems and hurdles.. she laughed.. then said "well we all think our kids are gifted don't we !" .. OMG OMG OMG I was speechless

Sigh. Well, you can tell us over here. We all commiserate with the lows as well as the highs!!

It just happened to us too. I noticed that my son's classmate's mum loves talking to my son. She'd ask him what happened in class etc because he can't help giving super detailed answers. His vocabulary is, well, precise, and I've heard her ask for clarification. Anyways, I was shocked when she said one day, "your son likes to show off, huh? Like he wants people to know how much he knows, and he thinks his opinions are so important." ??!!?

I'm trying to understand the thought process- parents with same age kids can't help doing a comparison. And when there's a big gap, they attribute it negatively to the other kid to preserve their own sense of well-being. How bizarre is that?

I've been on the receiving end of this type of reaction. It started when I was in first grade and continued through elementary school. I'd be debating Mickey vs. Donald or talking about some kid thing, and suddenly someone would get angry and say, "You think you're so big!" Also, this one girl always got annoyed with me about using "big words."

I was mystified. Thoroughly confused. I never understood what they were so wound up about or what "big words" they meant.

I do remember telling my first grade teacher that I was ambidextrous. She related this to another teacher the next day, in front of the whole class, and the two of them laughed. At the time, I was mortified --- because I thought they didn't believe me. I thought they were being rude!

Finally, years later, I figured it out when someone at a college where I was teaching --- a college! --- told me that I used a lot of "big words" when I was teaching, and that my students didn't always understand me. This was an advanced science class, not a remedial course!


Well, anyway, my best guess is that people get resentful because they don't understand. Maybe they think we or our kids are trying to deliberately confuse them or show off. They probably don't understand that for a young gifted kid, those "big words" are just, you know, words.

Maybe it would help to try to explain it those terms ("He just seems to be good at learning vocabulary words; I don't think he's even aware that he's using "big words"). I don't know.

This has been a late-night post from someone whose cat prefers running across the roof to coming in. Bad cat!



Val

These days, Val, I just do a weak defense, try not to get too riled up (by venting here), and just try to forget about it. If I were to give up on every friend acquaintance that said something similar, I wouldn't have many people left to talk to. Alright, I'm half exaggerating .

As an aside, are you ambidexterous too? My son is. I know of 2 other E/PGs (one is tested, the other is a strong candidate) who are too, although one other that I know isn't.

Yes, I'm ambidextrous, though I have to train each hand to do stuff (perhaps everyone who has this ability does). I used to play squash and tennis, and ambidexterity gave me a nice advantage, especially over new opponents. People who didn't know me would be very surprised when I returned what appeared to be an impossible-to-return shot!

Val

Interesting topic: ambidextrous. I would never consider it a part of gifted but blob might be on to something. We suspect that our DD 3 1/2 is ambidextrous. She has always favored her left hand and now is definitely left handed when she writes or eats, but when it comes to sports like items, ie. throwing and kicking, she favors her right side. Is she ambidextrous? I'm not sure but it seems like she is headed that direction. I wonder how many kids from this community are similar.

Katelyn'sMom, let's start the topic somehwere else. I'll try to gather my thoughts about this issue. The other off thing is hairwhorls - DS and his ambidextrous friends' are just all over the place. This is all very anecdotal and unscientific, however.

I can *so* relate--I deal with this issue in my husband's family--and they are educators! Two of my children are in gifted ed & instead of being able to celebrate them, I feel like I have to keep my head down so I don't offend anyone. My mil says she wishes they wouldn't "label" them. But really, it's just a word unless you let it have some sort of power, isn't it?

I try to treat my children just as my parents treated me: I was no more special than anyone else at school & I went to the classes that were appropriate for me. I have no idea if they encountered any of this negativism. But I didn't think it was any big deal to be in gifted ed.

Interestingly, I was reading the report from my 8 yo son's IQ evaluation & in the observation notes the psychologist stated, "His spontaneous vocabulary is mature using words such as apparently, confusing & actually." Like your children, he uses these & many more words in his everyday vocabulary. I get such a kick out listening to him.

Sounds so much like that mother is insecure and jealous, what an obnoxious thing to say (the "showing off" comment)! Sadly there are people like that in the world, and they particularly target kids or adults who make them feel insecure.

One of the challenges our EG+ kids have in this world is they disproportionately attract attention of the insecure and jealous, and this can happen anywhere. IMO the worst is when it comes from a teacher in school (which I think happens more often than people realize, especially at schools with not enough at least HG gifted kids).

Maybe you can tell your son you don't think that mom is a very nice mother, and to stay away from her if possible. I suppose it depends on how much you have to see her whether you should tell your child to avoid her or not. I would not put it past her to say something negative directly to your child though, and I think preparing your child (just in case) by pointing out she is not nice could be a good idea. Then if she says something bad your child will just think, "my mom was right!" instead of taking it personally.

Maybe a good approach would be to talk about insecurity with the son, and how it can cause people to act.