My DS6 does not handle losing. He plays chess very well, and he will be completing in a tournament soon so we've been practising. Whenever he loses, or can foresee himself losing, he doesn't want to play anymore and refuses to shake his opponent's hand. I try to explain that he is playing against adults who can play well (and, honestly, he gives my husband and I a good game), so he clearly plays well, too; and just because he doesn't win every game doesn't mean that he isn't good. Now he doesn't want to compete at the tournament because he doesn't want to lose in front of others.

My son only reacts this way to games he plays well. Basketball took him two years to master and he had great determination to do so; so he had no problems handling losses with that.

Is this something that he will grow out of? Or can he learn to be gracious?

Hmmmm...


I was a kid like this. Things I didn't possess a mindset of "ownership/mastery" of, I could take criticism and loss quite well with.

Those areas where I had personal investment into my self-image as a "good _______" though, I could NOT tolerate loss, because that threatened my (fragile) self-worth and self-image.

It's a perfectionism thing, basically, as well as a matter of asynchronous emotional development. After all, how many adults do you know that interpret one less-than-stellar performance as an indicator that they are "destined to fail at ____"?

But kids do. Bright kids who tend to be analytical in particular seem prone to this-- because they can't ignore the "evidence" (the loss/critique) in front of them, and have to process it.


HG+ kids in particular have the problem that they-- rightly-- adopt a domain as part of their identities... but WRONGLY assume perfection is attainable in that domain via a fixed mindset.

Yes, it can get better-- but you have to tolerate a lot of age-appropriate tantrums and sulks over the psychological hurts that setbacks deal out. You also have to budge that fixed mindset and nudge it toward a healthier growth mindset in the domains that he associates with his self-image. LEARNING and BEING GOOD AT are not mutually exclusive categories, right? But it can feel that way to HG+ kids with extraordinary skills in a particular domain-- the "knowing" gets the attention, not the learning.

There was nothing that I loathed more than having a teacher tear into my writing in middle school. NOTHING. Sports? Meh. I hated private music lessons, too-- because all the focus was on my errors. It was awful to endure that when I was accustomed to accolades in that domain.

Thanks for the advice, HowlerKarma. I'm finding this a difficult one to solve.

I will be hated for admitting this, but my son has never had tantrums. He has always been a calm, sensible baby/toddler/child. Even when he was three and four he could play Uno and handle losing. He is so mature, and has amazing self-discipline and self-control that I admit that I actually like seeing this side of him, it makes him more human (and like my little baby :))

I just don't like how bad it makes him feel; I also don't want him to be rude on the day. I am hoping that he will realise he's not at home, and that he will act accordingly to beloved rules lol.

Both my kids were like that, and they're much better now (they're almost 9 and 10).

Speaking of chess, when my DS was six, if he thought he would lose, he'd move his king in the line of fire (ie chess suicide) to end the game so he could start a new one. LOL. (sigh)

DD (then 7), meanwhile, would get SO ANGRY when he'd beat her that she'd refuse to play anymore.

They've really grown and mellowed in the last few years, thank goodness.

Btw, it used to be really embarrassing... my sympathies to anyone currently going through this: all the other little kids were mellow and well behaved, but not my two.

I understand and recognize this behavior, I think HK was right on. CCN, if my dd6 knew that was possible she would do it! (I thought it was against the rules...) So I do think kids can mature out of it. But I think this kind of perfectionism carries a big risk when kids can give up on the thing that they may have the most natural talent and affinity for out of fear of failure. It makes me sad. I will say that dd12 has gotten much better as she has gotten older due to a similar approach to HK.

Yes, very much what HK said.

If he's never been one for tantrums about losing other games, but is doing it at chess, I would suspect it's because a bigger deal has been made (maybe not to his face, but kids hear stuff) about how GOOD he is at chess. Other games are kid games, not a big deal. Chess, he's in grown-up territory. And as a perfectionist, I can tell you that if you're known to be GOOD at something, and you lose, that is incontrovertible proof that you are clearly stupid and incompetent, and it's time for a tantrum.

Nautigal, that's very true. And he doesn't have tantrums about other games or anything in life- just chess. I know he plays at school during lunch, perhaps one of the teachers have said something.

I did also wonder if it's because he doesn't think my husband should be able to beat him; I think my son thinks he smarter than my husband. I rarely win (LOL) against my son, so it's okay because mostly lose.

I find a lot of my DS4 perfectionism is only happens when he is with his mother and I. He wouldn't learn to catch a ball because it meant he would drop it before getting better but he now goes to an after school sports thingy and picks it up in no time. He won't go without training wheels because it means he will have to take a few falls (on grass in our backyard) before getting the hang of things but at same after school group he is going without training wheels, falling on concrete and just getting on with it. Lets not talk about chess or boardgames or such things. Heck even when watching a football game he won't pick a team to go for until it is fairly obvious who is going to win.

On a funny side note. He, and a HG+ friend of his, played snakes and ladders a few months back and it was almost tears from both of them everytime one of them struck a snake. Madness!!

Just out of curiosity, what do you mean by saying he mastered basketball between 4 and 6?

KJP, he started playing bball when he was four, and just...couldn't do anything lol! Even run properly. He couldn't dribble, or even just bounce the ball once higher than his ankles; he couldn't shoot (no higher than a foot from his head), or pass to others. But he didn't give up. He was very good at cricket- like, amazingly good considering his bball skills- but he quit cricket to play bball. And now, he can play really well. So well, he's been invited to play on a proper team. It only took him two years lol.

i'm not sure if this will help, but i've used a river analogy very successfully with DD5.

me: let's think of this another way. you're going on a walk through the woods and you come to a river. how will you cross it?
DD5: i would jump.
me: ok, now let's say you walk a little further and you come to a river that is too wide to jump. how will you cross it?
DD5: i would swim.
me: ok - think about swimming for a minute. is that a single action? can you do it all in one step?
DD5: no. you need a lot of little strokes.
me: right - so [X thing] is like a wide river. you need to do all the steps and every one of them matters. they're all connected and they eventually add up to get you to the other side.

at this point, all i have to say is "River!" and she'll giggle and the mood will reset, which is pretty good for a kid who thought that taking a month to master 4 years of reading levels was evidence she was "bad at reading."

My DS7 has had trouble with wanting to quit games where he gets far behind. Just today, he wanted to quit a game of Yahtzee with me because I was 50 points ahead. I asked him to please finish the game so that he could practice his sportsmanship no matter what happens. He looked dubious, but he finished the game anyway.

I was so proud of him!

Haha. Sounds like he has had a little breakthrough, skateycat. DS4 and I were playing chess the other day and when it started going bad for him he said he wanted to play without Kings. Madness!

Six is a tender age to begin with. I would probably take a common sense approach with him.

First I would simply explain that chess is a game and like every other game, there is a winner and a loser. Not everyone wins 100% of the time and not everyone loses 100% of the time.

When he is playing and he starts losing and wants to quit, I would ask him how it would make him feel if no one else ever wanted to play chess against him if they knew they couldn't win.

If he can't make the natural connection to the example and his own attitude, I would make the connection for him by explaining that how he would feel is how other people feel when he won't finish the game to completion because he fears he might not win (or he foresees he might not win).

I would tell him that chess is like any other academic topic he is interested in and that he will learn a lot by playing against people who have higher skill sets and can beat him.

Sure winning is fun, but losing can be viewed as an opportunity to get better, rather then a negative experience.

I think sportsmanship has to be taught to every child, it isn't usually a natural personality trait. The perfectionism in gifted kids just make situations such as this a little bit more sensitive then normal because you want to teach them to be good sports without turning off their love for an activity.

I think in time he will probably understand and accept what you are trying to convey.

I made a little breakthrough by using manipulation lol. I explained to him that since he had already entered the comp, if he quits then he has definitely finished last. Whereas, if he plays he might finish 1st, 10th, or 50th- only quitting guarantees last place. Well, he didn't like that idea and wants to continue

Just to add, I've been thinking about it, my son is only like this about chess. I can't really think of another situation in which he has acted like this (mind you, he doesn't really have many interactive activities).

If you think he is going to be rude or throw a tantrum at the tournament it might be better if he does withdraw.

Eta. I don't see my youngest ever being able to cope with losing.

Awesome! You found his logical loop hole!

Ches sis just tough for this, I think. My DS5 is generally a good sport (he's a game addict), but he often cries when he loses at chess. He's not a snotty bad sport, but a weepy one. (Both are unpleasant, IMO.) He will be able to compete next year in K through school, and I'm wondering if he's really mature enough yet. To some extent, though, I think this may come with practice. I wonder if you have any coaches or chess...leagues (sorry, don't yet know the terminology) in the area where experienced adults could offer some advice? I wonder if playing some other kids at something less charged than a competition might be a better starting point? You don't want him to get turned off. I say this having seen a friend's (highly competitive) child compete recently in something different, lose, and declare that he never wants to enter something like that again.

It probably is, lol. (sigh)

I also wanted to pass along that this is a perpetual topic on gaming boards - how to help kids develop the ability to lose (and win!) graciously. If you look here, you'll find many threads worth of discussion. It's not generally targeted at gifted kids, but I suspect that the children of board gamers are, on average, a little smarter than the average bear.

ultramarina, mine is also the weepy sort; tears well up and then the silent treatment. My son really isn't competitive by nature, except when it comes to chess. He used to be a bit with Uno, but he doesn't play anymore. The only games he enjoys are ones that his friends can't play. So, he's really only ever played against adults.

I an hoping that, since he is so pedantic, he will follow the rules and etiquette on the day anf behave. I figure his behavior is that way because he is comfortable with us.

I don't want him to give up, and I don't want to encourage that, either. He has wanted to do this for a while, and I feel it's better to guide him to better behavior, rather that punish him for having feelings (albeit, "immature" ones)

I just wonder if there is some way he could practice playing with someone other than you, in a situation with a bit more pressure, but not as much as the tournament...you know, to ramp up? Any chess clubs for kids in your area at all? Can you just find an older kid he can play with? It's true--he may not be that way at all with those other than you. With my DS, the worst of all is to lose to his sister; we're second-worst; with other family members or other children, he is markedly more composed.

squishys, one suggestion I have for you is to make sure that your DS has other venues for practicing gracious losing. I kind of alerted here on your report that


It can really set up a not-so-great situation when the only real chance you have to use that skill set is in a domain that matters too much for you to exercise good self-control.

The best situation is to practice the skill with board games where there is ONE 'winner' and multiple losers, preferably people that the child trusts.

That way, not winning is not leaving you "the" loser, if that makes sense.

Yes, not being the sole loser. As a family we play games like Scrabble and Scattergories; he does well in losing with those.

I guess it's something I will have to deal with. I just really hope that he will be gracious in front of a large audience- and I will be practising graciousness and game strategies as a package.

ultramarina, my son plays chess with his best friend but I have no idea of the end result, as they play at school (although I will be cheeky and assume that my son probably wins). His friend will be moving interstate next week

He will be joining a holiday chess thingy in a couple of months. There isn't a regular chess club, unfortunately. I know there are a few gifted kids at my son's school, maybe I could form a club.

Just wanted to update...

My son was wonderfully behaved! In fact, he won the only trophy and certificate for fair play and sportsmanship! He was so proud of himself

He ended up in 32nd/38th place, but he was playing against well-practiced 9-12 year olds, so he was happy with the placement- phew. I was just hoping and wishing that he wouldn't be placed last!

Great news! Gives me hope for my own son, too!

I am so proud of my boy. He was so calm and mature about everything, it was awesome. I noticed he was a little overwhelmed towards the end, once everyone heard how old he is, they all gathered around to watch (about 10-15 of them), and some were making annoying comments. But other than that, he shook their hand, and wasn't bothered when they won. So very proud

Now he wants to join a weekly group and he can't wait for the next tournament next term (qualifier for the state championship!).

When my sons were young as I'm sure is the case with most kids, they also hated to lose and it played havoc with their emotions at times. Gaming was a large part of them learning to win and lose gracefully in addition to emphasizing the following often:

1. You learn more when you lose than when you win because most of the time the person who's beating you is better than you at what you're playing. You learn little when you're handily beating someone. Never quit in such a scenario, you're passing up a prime opportunity to learn and to learn how to work your way out of a difficult scenario.
2. It would get boring winning every time just like it would get boring if all you ever ate was ice cream. The challenge is half of what makes a game fun.
3. There is room in the world for more than one good player, one smart person, or one highly creative person.
4. The sun will rise tomorrow, I'll even prove it to you by reminding you first thing in the morning. You'll even find you enjoy at least part of tomorrow.
5. Show you child someone throwing a fit when they lose and ask them how they view that person at that time. Then ask them if they think they appear anymore appealing when they throw a tantrum when they lose.
6. Teach them to turn losing into a positive thing by letting it inspire them to practice harder / learn in more depth.