I've been having discussions abut this with a few friends and DH lately. One friend thinks being open and honest is the best way and if someone doesn't like it then that is their problem. She has no problem being totally open and honest about how far ahead her kids are and shares info on giftedness openly and readily, even if parents of ND kids are around. (I'm not bothered by it and appreciate how open she is.)

Another friend thinks parents should keep it to themselves and can't stand when someone says things openly. She thinks it is tacky, annoying, arrogant / braggy, etc.

My DH thinks that if you are too open about that stuff (as opposed to vague and humble about what your children are up to) that you will turn off other parents and isolate your kids because other parents won't want their children hanging out with yours. He thinks that if gifted kids all hang around their peers they won't develop the social skills necessary to deal with all kinds of people. (Though he can't explain why I still sometimes don't get how other people think even though I went to a regular school my entire life...)

Both of my friends and DH probably qualify as gifted, too.

It comes up in so many different ways. Like just wanting to share a proud moment or a good article you read.... or when you want to participate in a conversation about good toys or books for a certain age group. Or when you want to participate in a discussion about how to deal with challenging age appropriate behaviors (which your child is exhibiting very early). Everyone knows how old your child is and if you chime in then you are basically "bragging" that your child is ahead.

(I have gotten some very strange looks lately when someone asks me about baby signing and it comes up that we've done the ABC Signing Time DVD. I get the feeling that I'm coming off as a pushy and extremely delusional mom... but she memorized all the other DVDs and is now signing some of her ABCs. Should I just keep quiet? Probably.
I'm proud and excited when she does new things...I know no one else except best friends and relatives really care about what she is doing - other people are proud of their children and what they are accomplishing, which is as it should be - but they all still act proud of their children without fear of that "hothouse mom" response.)


How do you handle it?

Several parents of kids with disabilities were very open with me in describing their experiences and helping us navigate the school politics in pushing to get DD what she needed. At first, what she needed was gifted placement and a subject acceleration. The information I needed to make it happen came from parents of kids with severe learning disabilities, still struggling with basic math and reading. I am eternally grateful for their openness about their situations and their experience with the school administration.

As a result, I have taken a rather open approach in describing the placements of my kids and what it took to get them there. I am open when people ask me. I don't go around the school telling everyone what's going on with my kids, but if a parent is venting about their child's needs not being met, I will interject with "did you know that the gifted program requires..." or "if you want your child to skip a year in math, there's a form to fill out in the office and they will test your child." "Be aware that the school uses 'acceleration' to mean skip a year, and 'differentiation' to mean giving your kid stuff at their level in the classroom.""If your kindergartener is already reading at the beginning of the year, you might need to let the teacher know what books your daughter's been reading so that she can be appropriately tested." Things like that.

I don't particularly talk about having taken DD to a physics lecture at the university, though.

My daughter, almost 15, hates it when I discuss how smart she is with others. I used to be open about it, but have recently been trying to tone it down.

Is she at school or homeschooled?
I remember going to great lengths at 15 to project the "right" qualities. Smart wasn't on the list, unfortunately.

My twins are 12yo now, and honestly, there is so much else going on with them that it seems like less of an issue than when they were little. But when they were younger I bit my tongue sometimes to avoid blurting out things. It is hard not to tell everyone that your freshly turned 2yo is a reader!! We did share very selectively, but I have no regrets now about not sharing more widely - partly because I don't want the kids themselves (or others) to think their innate ability is what I appreciate/value most about them.

There was a similar thread recently I think entitled, "Why oh Why must I lie?" or something like that, that I found very comforting. IMO, you can 'brag' (discuss things spontaneously--that is, not solicited) here--on the ultimate brag thread or similar, without fear of repurcussions. In real life, there are often unexpected pitfalls--I have only very rarely openly discussed DD even in our family except with her grandparents (and it gets a little tricky, because there are other gifties and a bunch of very bright kids in the family, and some of the parents are pretty competitive). So actually apart from that, and some other 'giftie' parents, and trying to advocate with DD's teachers, I don't discuss it because it's just so difficult to have a positive outcome.

For me, it depends on how close I am to the person. I think that stems from me being just being a more private person than concerns over talking about giftedness. If someone just politely asks "how are the kids?". I will respond with something vague. Mainly because I doubt they really care to hear all the details.
For closer family and friends, I talk openly about it because they know him and know he isn't "normal".
Plus, since a lot of our friends and family were involved in different types of gifted programs as kids, it is nice to get their perspective.

I just read the Why oh Why thread and I noticed a number of people sort of downplay their child's skills by bringing up something they aren't good at. I have found myself doing that a few times and I end up feeling sick to my stomach and..dirty. It is like I'm putting down my own wonderful child to make someone else feel more secure. The few times I caught myself doing it, I told myself I would watch to make sure I didn't do it again.
What am I teaching my child about herself once she starts paying attention when I downplay her abilities?

Good point and well made. We all fall into the association/causation trap at times.

For me, it depends on how well they know DD. If they know her pretty well, I'm open about it, because there's no sense in treating it like a dirty little secret, they'll find out eventually anyway.

If they don't know her particularly well, and there's no other reason to be discussing specific abilities, I might say she does very well at school, and leave it at that. If I'm in casual company and feel the need to talk up DD, I'm more likely to talk about how she makes me laugh, how we enjoy spending our time together, or how she's into so many different things.

lol! That one brought up memories. I recall being perplexed as to why people would want to teach 9 - 12 month old babies sign language in order to communicate with them b/c dds were both speaking and speaking well enough to hold simple conversations and get their points across by that age. (9-12 months seems to be an age where there are baby signing classes available locally to me.)

I guess that I straddle the line btwn you and your dh. I don't lie or totally downplay dds, but I generally didn't respond to things like the sign language stuff w/ "why would I do that, dd can speak?" There are people with whom I am completely open, but they are few and far btwn. I think that, especially as they get older (dd13 is a high schooler now), and you have a HG+ child, it is so obvious that the child is different and parents have gotten beyond the belief that if they just worked with their kids, they too would know their ABCs in sign language.

I don't pretend that dd13 isn't in high school or isn't taking the classes she is or doing the extracurriculars she is, but I also don't randomly walk up to people or co-workers and discuss it either unless "how are the kids liking their new schools?" is a topic that someone else brings up or I need to vent about something that is going poorly for dds.

With younger kids, I guess I try to remember that these little things are not strictly measures of intelligence. I think if you can truly strip that supposition away from your thinking, it will be evident in your exchanges with other parents.

As opposed to saying, "I think she is gifted," or even thinking this when someone asks about her signing, I would laud signing and the program itself for giving your daughter a way to communicate before she is ready to talk. You can comment on our print-rich environments or how our culture emphasizes early learning right now. Personally, I have come to believe that learning ABCs is about interest and exposure. If it is not letters it would be something else. Toddlers love to learn! Also, early motor skills can be about personality. Attention spans can be about temperament, etc.

That is not to say you can not brag and be proud. But, when you truly feel that every time your DD does something better, faster, or more than her peers it is because she is more intelligent, than those feelings are going to keep you from connecting with other parents.

I think there are definitely times and places to be blunt about it. This place is one. I am way more specific here than anywhere else, because...that is why we come here, right? But, I think you do your child a huge favor when you stop seeing everything they do as evidence of their intelligence, and look at them in a grander scope. Gifted our not, every child is a unique and complicated individual, and not everything they do boils down to an IQ number.

I think if you keep some of this in mind, be honest, and remember that you cannot control how someone else is going to think, you will be alright.

I really think it depends on the audience.

I don't filter when sharing with my family, but don't share as much with DH's family since they like to compare.

I usually don't volunteer the information. However, if someone comments about how early DS reads, I usually say something like "he likes to read just like me" and move on.

I do get the "look" when I do flash card with DS in public, even though he loves to do them.

I cannot agree more!

Every time DS does something new and exciting, my first response is "you did it because you worked so hard!"

This forum can be a relief sometimes! That's so funny--I totally remember thinking why on earth would anyone need baby sign classes? I thought the whole concept was so silly-- why not just have an actual conversation with your baby instead? Thankfully I didn't say that out loud to my Mom's group. It really is nice that this was typical experience for a lot of kids/parents on this forum. Heehee

Love the comments about looking at the whole child, not just how smart they are. I need to keep hearing that. One of the reasons I like my DD's play based preschool is that she's developing socially, which is fun to see.

preK-2 kids care much less about academic performance. Competition emerges in upper elementary grades with school wide contests. And in middle school, you just cannot stay away from gossips of kids and their parents. There will be no secret at all.

I'm open with those who know my son well ( family, close friends ). Other than that, I don't really say much. I'd love to brag like they do about their kids soccer trophies and this and that but me saying " Hey he just placed into 7th grade english at age 8 " just doesn't go over the same as Bobby Sue just won little league baseball pitcher of the year....It is what it is...

I am able to talk about how much his social skills have improved in the last year though and that topic seems to go over fine, so I make sure to get in all my proud comments in those type subjects.

I was actually thinking about this a bit recently as well. A friend of mine just posted on Facebook something like, "We had a great day at our house today, found out DS got into the gifted program at our school." And I can't explain why this made me feel weird. Sure, she should be proud of her kid. I don't really have a problem with it in theory, but my ds was also accepted and I would never have posted that on facebook. It just doesn't feel right to me. The only place I wrote about it was here because I feel like people here would understand that it isn't like winning an award, but trying to make sure his education meets his needs.
As for his actual abilities, I don't lie about it or downplay it, but I also don't start many conversations about them, although I do sometimes discuss books he's reading which happen to be way above grade level.

But part of thinks, who cares, maybe I should have replied "DS too!" to my friends post. But it just didn't feel right to me.

I post some of the brags I post here on Facebook as well, but I have a small FB friends list and they all either know the boys or are relatives who want to know what's going on with them. I posted Wolf's summer reading list there and got a very positive response because they "get" him.

In person I am much more careful about what I share though. Wolf is in cub scouts and his den knows he had a grade skip and is in an independent study program. I can't really hide him from them and one of the other moms has special needs issues with her son so we've done a lot of talking about Bear and Wolf. It's a small den and they are pretty accepting. However there was another boy in the group whose family had... issues. Not with Wolf, just in general, but they were very awkward about the subject of grade skipping and school stuff.

My first reaction to questions or situations where it comes up (Wolf is small) is to say he's young for his grade and follow that with the grade skip if people ask for more information. I don't volunteer information, but I will answer questions honestly.

There's bragging and then there's bragging.

If you're talking with other parents about middle school math teachers and your response to questioning is to say that your son doesn't have any of them because he takes calculus online...not bragging, just a statement of fact.
If, otoh, you gratuitously throw the word "gifted" into every discussion, whether it's needed or not, then it's not only bragging, but tiresome, and you need to Stop. It. Now.

My husband and my mother are the only people (other than professionals and this forum) that ever hear me say anything about my kids "giftedness".

I used to have a blog that was mostly cute stories and fun family pictures, but I've stopped posting because I've found that I am censoring myself so much. Almost anything I can say about the kids (except for the most mundane of things) highlights how unusual they are. The conversations we have, the interests they have, etc.

I'm probably overly protective and paranoid, but they are so little right now that their unusual intelligence makes them really stand out. I'm always trying to protect the from being a sideshow, but it's sometimes hard to avoid.

I pretty much avoid talking about my kids with anyone other than to say the most generic and not-exceptional things about them. (DS really loves that t-shirt he's wearing today.) When people see my 2-year-old reading signs at a store, I laugh nervously and avoid eye contact. I've more than once had strangers say to me "are you kidding me? She just read that?" or "what did your baby just say??" If I was more outgoing, I'd probably strike up a conversation and let them enjoy/be shocked/be horrified/be judgemental about my adorable little sideshow. Instead, I just exit as quickly as possible.

Yeah, I don't have the social skills down yet on how to deal with all of this. My post here isn't advice, it's just honestly what I do. I avoid. I have to figure out a better way before I completely become a hermit.

I've noticed that it doesn't come up so much now re: DS8. It was awkward when he was younger and we were new to it all, and I was grateful to have found this site so I had an outlet besides the grandmas and DH. Now, if something about DS's giftedness or advanced activities comes up, I'm matter of fact about it. it's just who/how he is; it's nothing we did, so I have no issues being open when asked. I am selective about what I share without being asked, though.