Just sharing this in case others can relate. I dropped my younger son (3) off at his preschool and it hit me that with him, I never have that stressed feeling like "what are they going to tell me today?" When ODS (PG) was this age, we were constantly getting bad reports from his teacher about this, that or the other thing he did that day (in hindsight, she was a very bad fit not just for him, we didn't know that at the time). So much angst and stress, especially because he was our oldest, and while far better at home, hardly a calm and docile child.

DS is also very smart, time will tell at what level of bright. But he is more easy going and follows directions so much better that he fits right into a class. Our experience has been so easy. (Knocking wood here.) Is this what parenthood is like for most people?

Mine is exactly the same. Although older DS was never really a behavior problem per se, people often just didn't get him. It didn't really start until pre-k though. His intensity, his questioning just annoyed people who just wanted him to accept "you get what you get and you don't get upset." Younger DS, on the other hand, gets GLOWING reports. People love him. teachers call him a "joy" - they were all trying to get him their class. And he works that halo. He's easygoing and not as verbal. He had talents tho that seem like he'd get a very high PRI whereas older DS is extremely verbal and that can bother adults. I feel relieved and a bit sad about it all at the same time.

I should add younger DS has no disabilities unlike older DS. Younger DS had great fine motor, gross motor and executive functioning skills -all the things teachers love.

Our YDS is a pro at this already! Thanks for sharing your story. I agree, most of ODS' behavior "problems" were really just finding something else to do after he'd done whatever they were supposed to be doing.

OMG yes. My oldest was a challenge from day 3 and while some of it can be attributed to first time parenting cluelessness most of it was his INTENSITY and a variety of issues that took a while to figure out (some medical early on now mostly gifted quirks). Daycare was a disaster and school has been a rolller-coaster. This year we're ok but I suspect it is only because of an amazing teacher so who knows what next year brings.

DD on the other hand is a teacher's dream. She doesn't seem to have the same 2e issues, loves to please people and loves the kids in her class. Usually her only complaint is that they don't give homework in kindergarten (she often begs to do DS's grade 2 work so I just make copies and she's happy as can be). Kindergarten here is very play based so I suspect we'll run into boredom issues next year but for now I'm enjoying the calm since I know there likely will be another storm soon for one of them.

This is my DD to a tee.

DH and I have finally figured out that the world is divided into two distinct groups of people for my DD-- those IN her circle, and those outside of it.

She is quite slow to show people the "real" DD underneath the "perfect" exterior. Well, it's not that she's "perfect" exactly (she still mostly does as she pleases, and ignores what she doesn't like, but she's very quiet about it and seemingly angelic/placid/agreeable the whole time). People outside that circle LOVE her and think she's the cat's pajamas, and only rarely notice the flaws, or discontinuities in the scenery, so to speak. They also tend not to really understand how gifted she is. She shows them exactly what they need/want to see.

It's only with those inside that circle of truth (who she lets in) that see the ravening beast that she can turn into when thwarted, and who get treated to her mouthiness and verbal precosity. LOL. Boy, are THEY surprised...

We call this "{DD}'s Inner Circle. Think Dante."



I also have a vague sense that many adults who have made that transition with her tend to have an impulse to apologize to DH and I for their earlier judgments about us and our parenting.

This describes one of my sons exactly. Sometimes when I am talking with his teachers I feel as if I am discussing someone else's son, because DS just doesn't have the same personality at school as he does at home. It is not even close. Last year at the first parent/teacher conference I actually interrupted the teacher to make sure that she was talking about DS and not one of his peers because it didn't sound like him at all. The quiet, shy, calm child described by his teachers bears almost no resemblance to the loud, boisterous, wildly energetic child who lives with me- LOL.

I was thinking of this the other day. DD has a pretty restrictive teacher this year, so she brings home a report about once a week that she's had her color changed because of some silly thing -- she touched someone's backpack last week, for instance. Oh, the humanity! She talks when the teacher has said to stop.

But when I think of DS in 2nd grade, I was always in fear of the call from the school or the pink slip (I think he got six that year -- three would have gotten him suspended if it weren't for his blessed IEP) because he was having meltdowns, yelling inappropriate things, and whacked another kid because he got to the light switch first when it was DS' turn. That was the year we started the serious behavioral intervention stuff with the school counselors, outside counselors, social skills groups, etc.

So DD lets us off pretty easy -- and I just laugh at her reports. I can't help it.

Our older DD (now 9) made it all the way to 1st grade before the boredom got to be too much for her. That year she was in trouble from day one and always having to stay after school or bringing home notes from the teacher. This was partly due to just a general poor student/teacher match ("bad fit" as you stated)and the teacher having quite a few students with behavior issues all in the same class. It was pure torture for DD and scary, stressful, and confusing for DH and I. DD9 has matured quite a bit and (sort of sadly) learned what she has to do to blend in better at school. I even had a teacher recently comment on how well she is doing (behaviorally) this year. At home DD9 has some behavior issues, but for the most part she doesn't push the limits.

Then there is DD8 - she is a total pleaser at school. She has tremendous social skills (IMHO - especially considering how far out she is on the bell curve). At school she is never in trouble, offers to help out, gets along with everyone, and tries to do her best at all times - the epitome of the perfect student. Then she comes homes and lets it all fly! At home she is defiant, lazy, and (the one that drives me batty) whines about almost everything. It is like she works so hard at holding it together at school that she hits the threshold of her safety zone at home and unloads all her day's frustrations.

I really don't know which way I'd rather have it: 1. the pleaser kid that never gets in trouble at school, but is hell at home or 2. the kid that gets in trouble at school and knows her boundaries at home.

I do have to admit, it is nice knowing I don't have to worry about what DD8 will do at school today that will warrant a note being sent home or a phone call from her teacher.

It's funny ds6 did well at church preschool. He loved to play, read to the class, and run. His teachers loved him. Kindergarten was disastrous. I think he really started to wrap his head around that he was different or maybe the other kids saw him as different. Rigid teacher- active, highly verbal child- didn't work. This year is better, because teacher is kinder, has more tolerance for my sons personality. He is a pleaser, so he always seeks approval from his teacher. Yet, still no friends at school.

Ds3.5 (at the same church preschool older ds went to) is less obvious about his knowledge (likes to say "I don't know", but if playing a game can add, spell). He told me the other day that he's only kinda smart- lol. Yet, he's more creative about getting what he wants. Ex: he played sick and refused to attend music and Spanish, so the teachers let him stay in the classroom. When I asked him about this, he said, "I like my teachers better than my friends."

Ds6 is generally more intense and sensitive but generally a people pleaser. He had one time in preschool that he lost it but the teacher watching said hid best friend and another kid were freezing him out and he tried really hard first and was really upset afterwards. He had a couple of incidents in his first year of school which were due to him misunderstanding the other kid's game rules. Ds4 is absolutely charming and knows it - except for when he is a horror.

Yikes. I think you just described a younger me, I am feeling really guilty now, thinking of what I put my folks through.

ConnectingDots - If this is true, please just reassure me that you turned out okay in the long run! LOL!

I swear, every parent/teacher conference I have to ask if the teacher is really talking about the right student. Everything they have to say is wonderful, wrapped in a lovely little present with a huge bow on top. DH and I just nod and agree then leave shaking our heads. We go home to strategize and try again to see if we can figure out a way to make things better at home.

Do you have any suggestions of what might have worked for you?

I did turn out fine, if rather human (i.e., I'm not perfect!). :-) From an achievements standpoint, two degrees (one from a top five program in my field), good job with a Fortune 100 company, great husband, two fine kids, etc.

Reading helped me decompress in a nicer way. It made my mom, at least, anxious that I was reading all the time, rather than being out playing, etc. I have many introverted traits, so I suspect that I really was letting off steam at home. BTW, I did help out around the house (really enjoyed doing laundry and baking, so I got to do all of that, pretty much, starting at about age 10). Having a bit more quiet space to unwind might have helped me. We were in a fairly small house and I have younger siblings. When I was in h.s., I set up part of the basement as "my" area and that helped. I also danced competitively, which was a good outlet, although I did complain about/resist practicing... Good luck!

Reading helped me decompress in a nicer way

I second this, as another introvert with many of these characteristics. If I am pushed to hard for too long, I get SUPER cranky.

(I've spent the last 4 days trapped by severe winter weather in a house with my very noisy and extraverted DH, who doesn't respect this need sufficiently well when it clashes with HIS needs... Oy. BOY am I glad he went off to work this morning... ahhhhhhh... silence... )

At school she is never in trouble, offers to help out, gets along with everyone, and tries to do her best at all times - the epitome of the perfect student. Then she comes homes and lets it all fly! At home she is defiant, lazy, and (the one that drives me batty) whines about almost everything. It is like she works so hard at holding it together at school that she hits the threshold of her safety zone at home and unloads all her day's frustrations.

This is my dd10 exactly. Other than soccer, which she loves and plays competitively, she would like to do NOTHING other than read when she gets home. NOTHING includes chores, homework, piano practice and even having conversations with family. I've decided that she needs some "down time" but am frustrated that it is so hard to pull her out of her books at home!

I wish DD8 would read, but trying to get her to read is just as difficult as getting her to do anything else.

Well, give her time (I know, maddeningly difficult when she is so trying!) and see what she finds to do to relax. Maybe reading or something else (crafts? yoga?) will appear soon and give you all a bit of a break.

LOL (sigh) I have no idea what parenting is like for other people... I just know I'm sick of trying to "fit my kids in" and have given up on the public school system. I've gotten to the point where I just nod and say "uh-huh." My bad, probably, but... well, what can you do.

FWIW my DD11 didn't catch the reading bug until age 9. Now she reads so much it interferes with the rest of her life (but I'm not complaining).

In k-2, our DD's teachers would tell us how she's so shy, quiet, reserved, doesn't seek friendships, etc. The DD we knew was a prankster, always making up new catch phrases, and COULD NOT STAND to be alone. She had several friends in the neighborhood she was hanging out with constantly, and if none of them were available to play with, and her parents were busy, she was depressed.

And then DD started becoming someone completely different at home. Her teachers also described her as so well behaved, compliant, etc. This was our normal experience with her at home... before. About this time, she started having meltdowns before she even got off the bus, screaming and crying over minor issues (yes, even spilled milk), hitting her head on walls, saying she was stupid, etc.

Homeschooling fixed all this. Now, as a 9yo grade-skipped into 4th grade and in the gifted program (so, as DD says, she's basically in 5th grade), the girl we hear about in school and the girl we meet after school both more closely resemble the girl we've always known.