Parent-teacher conferences are tomorrow at 9. About an hour ago, my son's teacher sent an unhappy email saying that DS had got most of his 20-ish math homework problems wrong, even though he had been doing the same type of problem in class "with no problem." She assumed that he doesn't understand the topic and is wound up about him.

I strongly suspect that my son has a 2E issue (dysgraphia). This has been discussed with his teacher and we're all going to an assessment meeting next week.

He had a ton of work to do last night, and was working diligently for 2+ hours. He did math last because it was easiest. I was tired and forgot to check his worksheet. My bad. IMO after working with him most nights, he understands this stuff well. I suspect that he made the same mistake repeatedly last night because he was tired and the tiredness was compounded by his writing difficulties.

Here is my quandary: during past conferences, the teacher and my husband would get wound up and start dumping on my son. The last time, I told them I was fed up with listening to them complain about his perceived inadequacies. I am also fed up with being the one who does nearly all the work to find and implement solutions.

Seeking opinions on this:

I'd like to opt out of the conference. I doubt that it will be constructive, and fear that when the dump-on-DS stuff starts, I'll get angry. I don't want to do that. I do not want a confrontational aggressive conference where everyone walks away angry. Yet my back is up right right now and I recognize that I might speak more aggressively than necessary.

I'm dubious about getting through to either party. Furthermore, I wonder if ignoring the conference might be best for both my son and myself. If I'm not going to change anything and if I work with him at home, why bother? DH can go on his own, right?

Thoughts? Help!

Can the meeting be rescheduled? Because it seems like the meeting can't possibly accomplish anything until the dysgraphia question has been answered.

Any other advice I might offer would depend on the nature of the conference. If this is the standard, once-a-year, fifteen minute conference teachers are required to hold with parents, and it can't be rescheduled, then I wouldn't worry too much about it either way. It would be perfectly acceptable to politely opt out of this kind of meeting if you're already having lots of contact with the school, which you've implied is the case.

It's a standard conference (they do 3 or 4 per year; this is #3). So it can't be rescheduled.

The only complicating factor is that the meeting with the district to talk about assessing DS for dysgraphia, etc. is next week, and she may want to discuss that. But again, I'm not sure how much will be accomplished and my husband will be there anyway.

If you opt out, is your dh still going? If you are *both* going to opt out and reschedule for sometime after the eval next week, I think that would be fine. If your dh is still going to want to go tomorrow, I'd go. As the parent who's taking charge of the attempt to learn what's going on with your ds, you need to hear straight from the teacher herself what her perception is of what's going on at school with your ds - whether or not she's right or mistaken, you need to know what her perception is. You also need to be there to speak up for your ds. I think it's important to let the teacher know what happened the night before the quiz he had such difficulty with. It also sounds like you see something that may be going on with your ds that the teacher and your dh aren't seeing - so you need to be there to be his voice for those concerns. One other thought - I'm not sure what type of professional you are seeing for the dysgraphia eval, but it might help for you to go so you can ask some specific questions of the teacher that would be useful for the evaluator to know about your ds if there are any you might still have and haven't already had an opportunity to ask.

I know how hard it is not to be burned out when you're the parent who is responsible for all of this type of advocacy, and I also know how hard it is to worry that you'll blow up in a meeting - I used to get so mad at our ds' school staff at times! But it's worth it to do your best to go ahead and go, as much as you don't want to, and to try your best to hold the frustration in and speak up for your ds. What I did before meetings like this that I worried might become confrontational was to think through every possible thing I could come up with that the teacher (or whoever) might try to say about my ds or his work etc - and come up with a to-the-point reply that countered their statement. I'd write those brief replies down and rehearse them if I had time, then when I was in the meeting I would just do my best to stick to them and not let my emotion show. It's MUCH harder to actually do than it sounds like, I soooo know that - but just approaching it that way ahead of time - over-prepping, having notes, having planned replies - helped me to be able to stay more consciously focused at the meetings, helped somewhat with keeping meetings on track, and definitely helped me get the important info out there at the meetings that I felt needed to be said. I also never really looked at the notes in the meetings (except a glance at the end to be sure we'd covered everything I wanted to cover)... just going through it ahead of time was really what worked to help keep me calm

Hang in there!

polarbear

ps - I hadn't read your reply to Dude when I posted. A few more thoughts based on that - first, you can always reschedule. They might tell you you can't, but you can. However, since the dysgraphia eval is through the school district, I would go tomorrow and not opt out - if she does bring up the eval, you'll want to put your thoughts into the discussion (I suspect). If she doesn't, at least the school will see you as supportive parents who are working together with the school. It's not a huge thing, and I think just you missing the meeting isn't a huge deal in and of itself, but since you are identifying yourself (to us) as the parent who's shouldering the bulk of the responsibility in meeting your ds' needs re the eval etc, I think it's important to be there at the meeting.

polarbear

I vote for opting out, it seems fair to me and your reasons sound healthy and a parent will be there. 2+ hours of homework? Eghads!

On the other hand, if you do go, you have every right to establish upfront that the conference needs to be positive and constructive.

In your place I would probably go ahead and go, especially since you seem to see your DH as part of the problem, and not the solution, so sending him in alone is not likely to be a constructive course of action.

I would be prepared to respond to that comment about the homework, because if your DS did the work competently in class, he clearly understands the material. I would let the facts speak for themselves, and keep my emotions out of it as much as possible.

And I would be prepared to push off anything that comes from the meeting that's new and controversial, with a "We need to see what comes out of the dysgraphia evaluation before we can leap to any other conclusions."

I would opt-out your HUSBAND and would go alone! Sounds like your husband there isn't helping things so why would he need to tag along?

Val
I can understand that you are frustrated that a conference turns into a bash fest. Have you talked to DH about this - and asking him to not contribute to it. I think its important to go and hear the teachers take on it, especially it you are gearing up for an IEP, since she is involved.

Is this the standard 10-15 minute meeting? I don't find those terribly useful. But it is important to show involvement.i think it's fine if only one parent is there but only if you are on the same page with DH.

DeHe

I can't say anything much better than those who have already posted, but I just wanted to say that your son is lucky to have someone who believes in him when others don't.

Okay, thank you very much for that. All the other comments are giving me good perspective.

I'm leaning toward letting my husband go alone. The conferences will be kind of meaningless for me in that I know my son's strengths and weaknesses and don't have anything in particular to discuss that I feel can be addressed in a brief meeting.

I know that this teacher and my husband both want to help DS, the problem is that the waves of their concern interfere constructively and the result is that they GET INCREASINGLY WOUND UP!! And suddenly a discussion about long division is a red alert situation. It's a mess and I'm increasingly thinking I'd rather skip it and save my energy for the important meeting on Wednesday. This teacher (definitely) and my husband (possibly to probably) will also be attending).

Added: And leaving the two of them get all wound up about DS's difficulties tomorrow may result in them giving off high-intensity concern at the meeting on Wednesday, thereby increasing DS's shot at getting services.

This could be a viable strategy. And thinking about it is making me feel better.

Hi Val
Whatever you decide to do tomorrow, good luck. As the parent of a 2E who has spent hours and hours on homework, I have no ideas left of my own as how to help (everything makes her upset) and recently allowed her to delay math homework "until the morning when my brain isn't so tired" (true) but something that should take 15-20 minutes takes over 1 hour - IN THE MORNING - this morning I thought I'd have a 1)nervous breakdown 2) heart attack 3) accidently burn the house down while trying to make a nice hot breakfast and dealing with 2E high drama.

Does your DH ever spend homework time with DS? This year, the past few months, my DH has (I'd had it with him not being engaged in her problems - they are real!) and it really turned him around. And he is very mathy and loves his DD very much. He's gotten very perplexed during math homework time, she is so bright and understands such big ideas but the details...and has shaken his head alot and it totally turned him around to the point where he's given me the blank check on trying to find people to help us understand her and get her help. He doesn't say anything anymore about her being lazy or not trying hard enough or being stubborn or dramatic.

Anyway good luck and have a good weekend. IMO, calm family time and down time is really what will get these kids through to where they need to be in a healthy place in the future.

I would make a vivid demonstration of using their criticism as a way of setting the agenda for the next meeting. Take a notepad and pen, and ask questions.

Teacher: and he doesn't do any of the problems right!
You: I see. Which problems? does it happen every day, or only when he's already been writing a lot? (taking copious notes)
DH: if he would only buckle down it would all get done!
You: (still writing everything they say down) do you think he is choosing not to do it, or do you think there is some obstacle in his way ?

If you are having a problem-solving meeting next week, this is all evidence. If you write down their anecdotes and complaints, that's all contributing to the solving of the problem, even if it's couched in panic language.

DeeDee

Update?