Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion The difference between "stuggle" and "challenge"

I mentioned at a meeting that my dd11 was under challenged. She easily gets straight A and we suppliment at home, because the school is sadly unable/willing to work with her. So I was essentially told that I wanted my dd11 to struggle to get a "C" rather than continue to show her "A" skill. How would you have handled it?

Honestly?

A chilly silence and a question:

"It's interesting that you would choose to phrase it in that manner. What led you to think that I want my child to 'struggle to earn a C'?"

Then another VERY chilly silence-- as long as it needs to be.

(More than a few seconds and most people are tempted to fill in that silence in a conversation. It takes practice, but don't.)

Of course, if I were feeling especially saucy, I might just jump right to calling it what it is. "Interesting use of hyperbole. Did you intend to imply that there are no students in your school who are working to earn A grades, then?"


The latter is probably not recommended as a successful means of maintaining a nice working relationship, for whatever that's worth. But it can sure FEEL good to light that bridge on fire and watch it burn if that's the point you're at.

Another of my favorite lines (and one that I have used in a meeting); "You say that you "can't" do this. Is it truly "can't?" Or is it really that you don't want to?"

If you keep your tone of voice level and calm, that one CAN actually get pretty good results. As long as you make it clear that it is a real question, which means waiting for an answer.

"Actually, I'd just like her to have to pay attention to earn an A."

Great responses! I have a tendancy to let my "saucy" side get away from me, so I'm hoping to be less so and calmer. (Note to self: Good Luck with that!).

I'll have to try and remember that one when we meet with teachers next. I think it before hand, but tend to get too saucy in the moment.
Maybe DH can remember to say it - he gets quiet so he doesn't end up calling the teacher stupid or clueless.

Awesome come back!
Love it, Love it, Love it. I've never had the privalege of feeling safe enough to burn any bridges regarding DS14, but it's a nice thought.

Actually, I've been able to pull that off and keep the relationship by skipping the chilly silence, and using a tone of voice and body language that clearly signals that I am confused, and I really do want to know. I call it 'asking the question that allows the other person to see things a new way' and I've often been gratified to 'watch the penny drop' in the expression on the other's face.
I call it the "I KNOW that you and I are reasonable people with my child's best interest at heart, and I simply can't hear anything that you say that doesn't line up with this preconcieved belief" approach."

I used it for the first time on Norman Mailer, who visited our Women and Religion Class in College and explained why men are the way they are because cavemen had to kill meat and all, and I used this approach beautifully to ask him to imagine for a second that the newer evidence that humans actually subsisted on carian and gathering was true, what implications that might have for modern humankind. The penny dropped and I though I could see the hairs on his arm stand up, too. I was hooked. It works on teachers too.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

BTW - I've told teachers this myself, and about how I'd rather him get the 'c's now in middle school when he is living with us and can learn how to recover from them and grow into them, then later in college when he's off on his own.

I think teachers are sincere when they want to 'protect' the 'self-esteem' of children. Wrong, but sincere.

Gah,
Grinity