Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How honest should I be with DS7?

So DS7 recently learned that his dad will be going to Afghanistan in June. I knew he had an idea what was going on in Afghanistan, since I'm a bit of a news junkie and watch the news religiously whenever possible. But I didn't realize that he knew as much as he does. He was upset the other day because he was afraid that "The Taliban are gonna shoot daddy!" This told me, first of all, that I may need to stop watching the news until he is in bed. But more importantly, how can I reassure him without lying to him? I don't want to tell him daddy's going to be fine - because to be honest, I don't know that for sure. But I also don't want to make him worry even more. Any ideas?

When dealing with real risks that involve the possibility of death/serious injury, we are very honest with DD (there seems to be little point in obfuscation or euphemism with her).

There are some risks that are real and that we must simply learn to live with. Emotionally, our kids may not be ready for the awareness that advanced cognitive understanding gives them. Once they know, they also seem VERY sensitive to anything that seems to brush off their very valid concerns, too. DD can smell patronizing efforts or dismissal a mile off. SO first things first, acknowledge that his perception isn't "wrong." But then gently suggest that there may be more to it than he's thinking... that there are nuances that are important.



Here is how we manage the feelings of stress:

1. Emphasize the measures that are/will be taken to mediate risk (explain how body armor will help keep Daddy safer, and how he will wear it all the time, how good his training is, etc.)

2. Point to examples of how others have survived just fine-- preferably people that your family knows,

3. find positives in the risk-- that is, while we can't always control our circumstances, if we can bear in mind the hidden 'gifts' that they give us, or look at the big picture and recognize the greater good being done (Daddy is going to help people in Afghanistan, isn't that wonderful?) it can help,

4. Data. If one looks at the total numbers of deployed troops in the region over the past decade, the rates of injury/fatality are actually quite low. This risk isn't as high as he's probably envisioning, and while none of us want a family member in harm's way, the statistics suggest that it is PROBABLE that he'll be fine, other than all of you missing one another terribly, and finally--

5. We're family, and family sticks together by sharing their troubles. Even mommies and daddies worry sometimes about things that we can't really change, but as long as we talk to the other people in our family about our worries, we can sometimes find ways to make stressful times better by facing them together.


All of my best to your family as your husband deploys. {hugs}

I would tell him that his father's almost certainly going to be fine, but that risk is a part of being a soldier, just as it is in daily life. You can tell him that it's riskier to be an elevator repairperson than a soldier (from memory I believe this to be true), and that his dad is a very good soldier who will do his best to be as safe as he can be.

Then, personally, I'd let him watch the news with me, since I'd want to encourage his interest in world affairs. I certainly don't fault you for not wanting to do it, though. I just think you've got to play to a child's strengths, and that kids tend to be able to cope with more than adults give them credit for. Treating the risk as something not to be blown out of proportion, though real, might actually help him relax; so might knowing more about the details of the situation in Afghanistan.

One last point: the more he appreciates the risks his dad takes and why he takes them, the more he will deepen in his apprecation of his dad's heroism. That's the sort of thing you want him to model in his own behavior, and there's no reason he can't start mulling such stuff over at a young age. So much the better, in my opinion.