Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion The gift of time

Stopped to chat with my sister the other day, and she was really excited that her 4y.o. got into the local 'fun-but-serious' partial-day preschool. I was very excited too, she had told me about it a few days earlier and how hot-and-heavy the registration process is, etc. So I congratulated her and was listening diligently to all the talking points the director had gone over with all the families, when she started explaining how the director was very serious about parents giving their kids the 'gift of time'. How even kindergarten-age kids with April birthdays might do better with being held back another year. So I am trying not to say anything at this point but she is so bent on my congratulating her over all this great news about her very bright girl who is turning 5 in October getting into this nice preschool that she is ignoring the fact that I've consciously done the complete opposite with my very bright girl.
Now granted if you had the two of them in the same room you would not know they are only 6 months apart.
Knowing her girl has two gifted sisters, and seems really mathy, it wouldn't seem out of place to consider K a couple months early. She is very petite, however, and also doesn't speak with the developed vocabulary or force that my dd has, so doesn't come off as similarly advanced (can not quite pronounce preschool, for instance).

Anyway, the point is, I am not trying to convince her she should consider early K, but I just wish she would not stand there and try to tell me in no uncertain terms that I am robbing my child of the gift of time. Frankly I think when dd4 is 16 and has graduated high school (if things go that way) she might be better prepared to work with the gift of an extra year or so of time than she is right now, so maybe I'm just putting a year in the bank.
This was frustrating, my dh reminds me that she is more insecure in general about things so I can sort of understand her needing to be re-assured, but at the same time I don't really like having this cliched non-argument dropped at my feet and being expected to agree to it. Sigh.
every kid is different, every family, etc., etc., ....

Every kid, and every family is different though, and the wonderful news is that there are usually many ways to 'course adjust' as we get to know our children better.

If you are living in an area that is 'fast-track' enough to support a serious preschool, it's possibly true that OG kids are well served by the public schools even with the gift of time business.


I like to use these moments of 'deep feelings' when other people stand there and tell me I'm making a terrible choice (My dad a few months ago when I broke the news about my son going to boarding school) like metal detectors to help me look inside and see exactly were my fears are, and exactly where I would like reassurance, and exactly where I feel insecure.

I know that when I'm not feeling insecure, and someone starts down that path, I can pretty much guarantee that my body language will take care of things:

Warm smile, a bit indulgent, head cocked to the side, and eye's rolled when I say: Oh yeah, I remember when I thought that!
Then eyes wide and head up and bigger smile:
I wish I had one of those 'standard issue' kids. You've know my kid a long time - he's a lot of things, but regular isn't one of them.
Shrug
It happens, I'm just glad I was able to take the blinders off and notice.

BTW for my son he really did get the 'gift of time' as a 13 year old and made very good use of it. I love your idea of 'year in the bank.' Since he has a summer birthday AND a gradeskip, I joked with him that he was going to do 9th grade until he got it right even if he had to do it 3 times. He knew I was kidding, it wasn't really about the outcome, rather about the work he was putting into it, but sometimes it's a good thing to keep a child guessing a little.

Smiles,
Grinity

I don't know that I'd share this with your sister as it might come off as defensive, but this article by the National Association for the Education of Young Children specifically addresses that "gift of time" arguement: http://journal.naeyc.org/btj/200309/DelayingKEntry.pdf Both of my dds' preschool teachers told me not to start them in K when we did due to their late summer/fall bds. Dd10's preschool teacher told the parents of every child with a bd in May or later that they should wait a year.

I agree with Grinity that each child differs and what works for one kid may not work for another. That said, people who argue that all kids who would be on the young end need to wait a year are going against the research. It is just making a different group of kids the youngest. Someone will always be the youngest.

This has always been my response with regards to the birthday rule.

IMO, I really believe that if those seeking the "gift of time" have the ability to wait, then those of us seeking the "gift of not wasting wasted time" should have the ability to test for early entrance.

ugh - the 'gift of time argument" I hate the "gift of time argument" - (eyes rolling, head in hands). dd5's preschool used that line on me. Really - what the heck is that supposed to mean anyway? She will still have the same time - but just in a place where her academic needs are (hopefully) more likely to be met. It is not like I am hurling her towards her grave a year early. I think preschools use that line to get the "gift of another year of tuition".

I sure wish there was a way to bring up this research with my judgemental "friend" who redshirted her kids and takes every opportunity to tell me that they have been given the gift of time and that I have made decisions for my kids that she thinks are just plain wrong. Unfortunately, she, like a lot of people, believes what she believes and there is no research in the world to convince her otherwise. Although I like the head-cocking, "That's what I used to believe . . ." approach of Grinity's!

I figure that time will tell and the success of my kids will someday prove that "the gift of not wasting time" was the right decision for my kids. And until then, I try to avoid getting into conversations about education with anyone not in our situation. Thank goodness for this board!

Chris, I feel the same way when people give me a hard time about "pushing" my kids and "isolating them from the real world" in a gifted center program. I've heard numerous times about how their kids did fine in a regular classroom on an advanced learning plan, implying that my kid would too and that I am making a huge mistake. I used to get defensive now I just smile and say that it's great things have worked so well for their child. If they press, I usually say that based on my research and the experience of the school staff, kids like mine don't thrive in a regular classroom. Usually, they give me an uncomfortable look and shut up at that point.

Ooooo.. this presses a LOT of my personal buttons.

I definitely went a few rounds with a professional educator in my own family over this one.

It went hand-in-hand with "but it all seems to even out by late elementary anyway."

Ay yi yi. Well, sure it might... if, you know, you did the OPPOSITE of hot-housing, by effectively robbing such children of the learning environments that they crave and NEED. Of course, if you did that to an adult you'd imprisoned in an elementary school classroom you'd probably be violating the Geneva Conventions. Really, who would be cruel enough to put a child into a sensory-deprivation chamber to retard their natural development?



Oh. Right. Hidebound educators that don't believe that such children are truly different from most. Or "deserve" anything different. They should just "enjoy" being at the top of the heap, I guess, and leave well enough alone. And because that works (sort of) for a certain personality type of moderately gifted children in regular classrooms, it's supposed to be just fine for all gifted children. I guess.

I was raised by one of those people. Trust me when I say that "the gift of time" often buys such children extremely maladaptive outlets for those very understandable frustrations. BTDT.

I make plenty of parenting mistakes with my child. No doubt. But I refuse to accept that this is one of them. We have made very careful decisions about her educational needs and weighed those options carefully with her emotional and physical needs related to her chronological age.

We have given her the change to still be a child of her chronological age AND work academically at a much more appropriate level (high school), AND let her do this at HER pace. That is, she can do a full day of 'demanding' high school work in about three hours, and then she has all of the rest of the day to do self-directed activities. How on earth is this "robbing" her of anything?? I truly do not understand that. It puzzles me how placing her in a mind-numbingly BORING environment for seven-to-nine hours each school day would be better for her or "give" her something that we've taken from her.

What really kills me about people who criticize along these lines is that it almost ALWAYS happens with those that probe for information deliberately first. I mean, I try to be subtly evasive about my child's extreme giftedness. I do. I'm not shouting about her grade placement, I'm not volunteering the information to other parents. So what am I supposed to do when they persist in that line of questioning, though?? Lie to them?? WHY? If it makes them feel so defensive/inadequate/whatever, then they should have taken the hint and left it alone, you know?

Makes me crazy, it does.

My dd's bday was right at the cutoff. I held her back. Big mistake. Now she's gifted and old-ish for her grade. Regrets....I have a few.....

I have not observed much flexibility in the school system. Few MA public schools have gifted programs or guidelines for whole grade or subject acceleration, so I don't see many alternatives to starting gifted children in KG early. Typically one needs to keep them in a private school through grade 1 before transitioning to public school.