Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS5 not wanting to go to school

DS5 currently is in traditional kindergarten. Since the Christmas break, DS has been saying that he doesn't want to go to school or making up excuses why he shouldn't have to go to school. He asked if he could just stay home and play since school is boring. I've had multiple conversations with the teacher. She has told me that she is constrained by the school district's curriculum alignment program (i.e. every kindergarten class needs to be working on the same stuff at the same time) and that we need to be sure that DS hasn't skipped any necessary steps in his reading progression (BTW, neither the teacher nor I have seen any issues with his reading). He is reading slightly above grade level (We're talking Frog and Toad, not Harry Potter) but does not seem to be blazing away. DS has been complaining since October that he wants to do reading at school. The teacher says that he is doing reading work at school but he just doesn't recognize it as such. They switched to a "daily five" curriculum so there is less emphasis on traditional reading groups and more emphasis on writing and comprehension. He is able to do second grade math -- his older sister sometimes gets him to do this for "fun" -- but he doesn't seem to have any interest in it when she is not "playing" with him. Earlier in the year, the teacher gave him some different math but that seems to have stopped. The teacher acknowledges that she is not doing a good job with her higher level kids but nothing seems to change. DS also doesn't seem to have any buddies in his class. His two best friends are in another class and he spends recess with them. Bottom line -- DS can't find anything positive to say about school except his time with his buddies at recess.

I have not talked with the principal. The principal is new and, by all accounts, is not willing to do anything even slightly out of the norm. Everything is strictly by the book with her. Multiple people have told me that they have tried to talk to her on a variety of issues but she responds that she is unwilling to tackle anything new in her first year. I get the impression that she is overwhelmed by her new position and afraid to take risks.

DS recently tested into our school's gt program for first grade. All of his Cogat and NNAT scores were in 97th-98th percentile. We have not had individual testing done on him but both of his sisters are in the HG range. I don't want to overanalyze the testing since it seems pretty limited. He performed more consistently than his sisters but both sisters ceilinged a portion of the test and he didn't. When we found out that he tested into the gt program, he initially seemed happy. Since he found out that none of his friends tested into the program, he is saying that he doesn't want to do it. I think that he needs to be in the gt class and plan to accept the slot despite his lack of enthusiasm.

Am I doing the right thing by putting him in the gt class against his will? What should I do for the rest of this year?

Oh goodness Knute!
I would call the teacher and ask for a meeting face to face 'to figure out why DS doesn't want to go to school.' At the end of the meeting ask 'would you support me to go to the Principle to ask for help in figuring out why DS doesn't want to go to school and what help can be provided.'
Then meet with the Pincip even though others have found it futile - you have to cover your bases. Next step is school board or local paper.

Possible good outcomes might be: Visit 1st grade gifted class on a regular basis, individual IQ and achievement test to look for a 'fuller picuture' of what he needs, GT coordinator creating a pull out group of kindys.

I would visit the gt class and observe if you think it would be a benifit to him, and then place him where you're mom-gut tells you he has the best chance to be happy.

Hugs
Grinity

I agree with Grinity. If the teacher doesn't feel that she can help, discuss it with the principal. I understand where she is coming from - I've been a first year teacher, and it's completely overwhelming. I spent my first year going home in tears almost every night. Perhaps you can find a way to set up a meeting with some of the more experienced teachers as well. During my first year I was next door to a teacher who had literally been teaching longer than I had been alive. She checked on me pretty frequently and helped work through some of the problems for which college hadn't prepared me. Perhaps if you can enlist the help of some of the other teachers and make sure she knows that you are willing to help from your end as well, you guys can iron out a plan.
Also, my son was bored in school as well. I got him a spiral notebook with some extra problems, grammar, punctuation, and writing in it, so he could work on it when he was done with his assignments. It's extra work for me, making sure he has new stuff to work on all the time, but it keeps him happy. Don't know if that is an option for a kindergartener, but it's something to think about.

Just my two cents: while pushing a kid too hard can do damage, not pushing them enough for what they can do (especially if they want a challenge) isn't exactly harmless, however well-intended. I don't know how much help I could be at determining where to strike that balance in a real-world setting, but unfortunately, for a gifted child in a curriculum where they face little to no challenge, the old adage of "just try to do your best" leaves them without the experience of learning to try very much at all.

If the school proves absolutely impossible to negotiate with (it does sound like the principal wants to avoid taking risks here), and homeschooling, private schools, etc. are not options (private schooling certainly was never an option for me as a child), just the opportunity for your son to select advanced books from a library or bookstore to read, books that are advanced enough to be a challenge yet not so advanced to put the kid off, and to practice some skills that haven't yet made it through the curriculum, even if they aren't through a formal program (like when I sprained my arm in second grade and my dad taught me how to add and multiply fractions, which was before we even did our multiplication facts in school).

Also, the way I made it through the boredom of school, particularly in kindergarten and first grade where there was so little to occupy us, was by tuning out and thinking intensely about problems - whether it was thinking about the best way to dig to the bottom of the sandbox with minimal collapses, how to count the sum of all the numbers from one to one hundred without doing the grunt calculator work, the benefits and drawbacks of capitalism, the flaws and positives of the school system, what does it really mean to think and be aware of thinking, can you figure out the EXACT ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle (I had figured out it was approximately but not exactly three, but I didn't know it was called pi yet), or how languages evolve.

Even if the school situation doesn't improve, or improves minimally (by instituting a GT pull-out program that fails to address the rest of the educational environment, for example), one of the best things to do is just to have involving discussions on topics that interest him, so that even if his motivation at school wanes further (which obviously no one wants) at least he doesn't lose the passion for learning new, challenging things, and sees where the problem lies, instead of branding yourself as lazy and manipulative from the get-go and living up to that for years (especially easy when, as in my case I was slower to learn to write on the dotted lines than the kindergarteners and the lunch supervisors shouted into my ear, after I was briefly unconscious in a seizure, "Don't play games, we know you're not stupid!" since they thought I kept ignoring them on purpose and making fun of me). Whether it's about dinosaurs or politics or books or astronomy or history etc., it's good to keep the intellectual juices flowing, not fixing the dam, but at least keeping things from falling apart.

Well, today I got his Advanced Learning Plan in the mail from the school district's gt department? My daughters have these but they were developed by their teachers so I'm a little perplexed. It states that his teacher is responsible for accommodating his strength areas and identifies him as gifted in verbal quantitative and nonverbal. I guess that it is yet another reason to schedule a meeting.

@grinity -- I sent the teacher a long email (her preferred method of communication) and then met with the teacher about this issue. She wanted time to meet with her team and brainstorm. When I asked her for feedback the other day, she said that they "might do something different for reading groups" but nothing was definite yet. She did not give me a timeframe. I agree that I need to try the principal but I'm feeling beaten down right now.

@treecritter -- I've made suggestions to the teacher re who she could ask for help. I'm not sure how to make further suggestions without offending her.

@Shift -- I'm working on getting him engaged again. He seems to be tuning out. It's one of the reasons why I feel like I can't just wait until he moves to the center program in the fall.

Warning: I need to whine. I find this so exhausting. Why do I have to be a squeaky wheel to get my kid what he needs??? thanks, I needed that

It is exhausting, isn't it? I think you're doing the right thing by continuing to advocate for your DS. We're still trying to find a place for our DS7 so he might someday want to go to school. We have found that advocacy takes a long time, and that when you finally find something that works, it changes the next year and you start all over again.

If possible, maybe you could set up a meeting with someone in the district GT dept, the principal, and the teacher to figure out what the best solution would be. Perhaps you can offer the idea that your DS can do some online programs like Alex or EPGY when the class is doing something he's way beyond.

Good luck!

ETA - I agree with Grinity about making sure the teacher knows that your kiddo doesn't want to go to school. That is not the norm for kindergartners, and usually kindy teachers will take that fact to heart and try harder to help. (Hopefully, anyway!) My DS's kindy teacher was most upset when I told her that our DS told us he hated school.

It isn't fair that you need to be the squeaky wheel, but even though you don't feel like it (and I have been there!) get back on the field and speak!
When was this email?
When did the teacher say she 'might do something?'

Sometimes the best way to get motivated is to write up a timeline of events and get an overview.

If it is more than 2 weeks since your last email, then it's time to respond to the teacher, asking her about the ALP, thanking her for going to the team with this issue, and asking her what is the next step because your DS is so distressed. I would CC the gifted department who sent you the ALP letter and the principle. End with request for a meeting and heartfelt plea to help them help you get your dear boy off to Kindy in good spirits.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Ok, I have talked to the principal. She asked me to work with the gt coordinator and the teacher and to come back if that doesn't work. I'm meeting with the teacher and the coordinator next week.

DS told me that the teacher read something that was "too hard" with him yesterday. He was embarrassed that he couldn't figure out one word. I think that he has some serious perfectionism issues going on (so does the teacher). He seems very self-conscious about doing anything different. One day he tells me that he can't wait to read hard books (read chapter books), the next he tells me that he hates reading and that I'm evil for making him learn to read. He's having wild mood swings one day to the next about whether he wants to be in school. So what do I ask for?