Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Black and white thinkers

IS it a common trait for some people to just think black and white, or it's all the way or not at all, or if I ask I'ts like I'm demanding. I hope someone knows what I mean. DS10 seems to be getting more like this which is like his Dad. Maybe it's a male thing? Is this normal? Any advice for helping someone see it's ok to have two way feelings and accept some gray area.

Yes, it's very common, I'm like that myself. It's one of the classic errors in thinking

Quote:
� Catastrophic Thinking. The individual magnifies the impact of negative experiences to extreme proportions.
� Hopelessness. The individual assumes that nothing will ever work out, and that things will always go
wrong.
� Over-Generalization. Something goes wrong in one situation, and the individual applies it to all situations.
� Black-and-White Thinking. The individual sees things as �all-or-nothing;� things are either one way or the other.
� Oughts, Shoulds, and Musts. The individual feels life ought to be a certain way, or he should do something, or things must go the way he wants them to.
� Negative Predictions/Fortune Telling. The individual predicts failure in situations yet to happen because things have gone wrong before.
� Projection. The individual makes negative assumptions about the thoughts, intentions, or motives of another person, which are often �projections� of his own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
� Mind Reading. The individual feels that others should know how he feel or what he wants even though he doesn�t tell them.
� Labeling. The individual labels himself or someone else negatively, way, which shapes the way he sees himself or that other person, often for simplistic reasons.
� Personalization. The individual treats a negative event as a personal reflection or confirmation of his own worthlessness.
� Negative Focus. The individual focuses mainly on negative events, memories, or implications while ignoring more neutral or positive information about himself or a situation.
� Avoidance. The individual avoids thinking about emotionally difficult subjects because they feel overwhelming or insurmountable.
� Emotional Misreasoning. The individual draws an irrational and incorrect conclusion based on the way he feels at that moment.

http://cbtcognitivebehavioraltherapy.blogspot.com/2009/05/thinking-in-black-and-white.html

I have had to work on that over my lifetime. Especially growing up I did see everything in black or white. My mother still talks about that.

Advice, I really don't know. I think getting my OCD under control helped a great deal and them also continuing to experience new experiences and different points of view as I entered the "adult" world.

Good luck.

This is on my to do/wish list.

I think CBT would supplement the nurtured heart approach quite nicely and round it out a bit. Nice list, Tallulah. Gives me something to roll around in my head until I get started. I'm reading it, saying, there's me...and there's you, hunny.
http://nacbt.americommerce.com/store/p/83-How-to-Change-Your-Child-s-Behavior.aspx

I just like the way that it sounds, rational family living. I want to get everything in place and practice a little bit before they become teenagers, especially with a daughter, if she's anything like me- look out! Like the song says. "There's worse things she could be , than just like me". And if she's not like me I'm not sure I'll know what to do with that either.

Amanda, I would love to talk about that. I've been trying to think about it and to condense or concrete what changes when we turn (mentally) from a child into gifted motherhood. For one, I personally, am trying to go with less over the top creativity and more consistent routines to make it less about what I can do and more about us. It's kind of crazy. Like I used to make my own plans and I helped people a lot just for fun. Now I belong to my husband and kid's and they make plans about their mom and wife. Like instead of doing my own thing and helping them it's like I'm doing their thing, following their plans, and adding to their plans with my own.

OaTGomom. I just read or heard about that, either here or on the nurtured heart cd. Someone said when they start to Think you're demanding or criticizing all the time you should use less words when you're correcting them or asking them to do a chore. For some reason the "you in his head", not the real you, has become a nag. This is not a boy thing. I'm getting over it with my husband. It has taken time for me to see that he really does not complain as much as I think he does -because I can't stand complaining. And I take things as criticism that aren't. It's hard to see what's really happening through your own baggage. And I just learned we are all born with baggage to work on, like the guy in Groundhog Day, either through re-incarnation or ancestral genetic traits, we're all born with baggage.

I've heard that the more extreame LOGs can be associated with 'a certian concreteness.'

This was certianly true of my DS, it got worse ages 10-13, and is delightfully improving by leaps and bounds now at 14.

I had the intuition that it was important to get my DS out of the house at age 13 because his 'black and white' thinking was allowing him to blame all his woes on 'mom and dad.' I wanted him to get into a bigger world where he was in a more responsibly position and had more of a sense of being free to determine his own fate. And I wanted the structure and support of a 'snoopy' boarding school.

I don't know if my intuition was correct, but DS14 is much more self-reflective, and 'full color' in his outlook after 4 months of school.

Yippee!
Grinity

Wow! thank you for that. I had no idea this was so common. I need to really take time with this.

This is exactly my son right now. I've been thinking about the summer inst. at Davidson, (when he is old enough)to put him out in the world a little. I was hoping it would help him appreciate his home/family more and get him ready for college/the world. (It sound funny that he is 10 and I'm talking about college) I think he will need few baby step before we do Reno.

I do think his science teacher may be helping. She seems to really be pushing the kids to a new level in many ways.

It doesn't sound funny to be thinking ahead to me - thinking ahead is what we do!
I've heard great things about THINK summer institute. Consider CTY summer camp as a possible babystep towards that.

Also check out Helen Fisher's youtube 'this is your brain on love' for a different classification system that had me rolling on the floor. She talks about it in terms of dating, but I could see a more general utility in her 'types.'
http://trulyamazingwomen.com/the-women/researcher-author-helen-fisher

When I told my DH about it, he told me the old joke:
"There are two kinds of people in this world, people who divide everything up into 2 catagories, and people who don't."

Smiles,
Grinity

I just got some cool news. I had the book I posted above listed on my to buy list. The hubby told me to ask a cousin of ours who is a psychiatrist, maybe she had one I could borrow. I saw her at the store yesterday. When I asked her if she had a CBT book I could borrow, her eyes lit up. She and a few of her co-workers are currently writing a book about CBT. She's going to drop me off a ton of literature and told me to call her with questions as I read through it. AFAIcan tell CBT will help us have a rational family where everybody can be in control of only their own feelings, reactions, and outcomes. I'll feel more confident if I can teach my kid's that before I send them to school. Well, I'm excited. Thought I'd share my good news.

La Texican - that's awesome. how lucky you are. Keep us posted.

I keep thinking how my DS10 is going to be a teenager in no time. It's motivating to try and get it better before that time. I did a big thing and got him in a different school, that's a big improvement, which felt not possible at one time. Now it's the other stuff...