Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy more freedom for a ten yr old

I had in mind my son should get more freedom when he turned 10 but haven't found any ideas. He is now 10 and 1/2. I want to do something to help him feel like I believe in him. Any ideas?

Freedom isn't an all-at-once thing (or even a "more at a specific time" thing) - he's not significantly more responsible at 10y0d than he was at 9y354d. It's a tiny-bit-more-every-time thing.

What does he want in the way of freedom? Start off there, because there's no upside and potential downside in giving him freedom he doesn't want.

I'm really not sure what he would like. I was thinking 10 is an age where you start to have better judgement like he could ride his bike a bit further but that wouldn't work. He is a bit too in his head for safety even in parking lots.

I think he could use a boost at home in some way to feel more valued or responsible. Maybe it is somethings like letting him use the toaster. We baked cookies tonight and he was proud of himself.

I think it's things like the toaster, exactly. I don't think you need to make things happen specially - just, when he wants to do something you'd normally help with, think about whether he really needs the help, and if not just say cheerfully "go ahead". For DS7 that has in recent months meant getting his own croissant out of the oven (hot enough that he shouldn't touch the hot sides, not hot enough to cause a serious burn if he did), getting the cheese and grater to grate over his own pasta, that kind of thing. I'd trust him with the toaster now (but he's not wild about toast so it hasn't come up) but I wouldn't trust him to toast bread under the grill unsupervised. Coming up next is boiling his own eggs I think. That kind of thing. Get him to do stuff that's actually useful - bring up a son who can do the laundry, cook and clean!

At 10 is when I began giving my DDs an allowance. Not fun money allowance, but serious learn-to-budget allowance. They had to choose and buy all of their own clothes, school supplies, gifts, toiletries etc and try to still have enough left over for fun stuff. I started this after one of them insisted that the Limited Too $60.00 swimsuit was so superior to the $12.00 Target swimsuit that it was the only option. I don't think they ever shopped at Limited Too again and they even began to embrace hand my down clothes :-).

It was a pretty short learning curve and they really felt like they had serious responsibility.

They also each had a designated night to plan/cook/prepare dinner for the family. Lots of macaroni and cheese, loaded baked potatoes and tomato soup to begin with but they branched out pretty quickly and they took pride in having such a responsible role (also, it cut down on the complaining about whats for dinner as they realized how hard it is to please everyone).

This is where it's easy on a farm. GS11 started showing cattle 3 years ago, that also meant cleaning a lot of poo, washing, brushing, feeding and watering; not just his animal but ours, too, because we all worked together. Last week, hubby and I took 2 head to a national show and were gone 4 days. GS11 didn't want to miss school, so he stayed home and took care of 100 head of cattle after school. We hired someone for the morning chores and to check up on him in the evening. But, GS11 did everything in the evening. Edited to add: He could not have gone from doing nothing with the cattle to doing all the chores in one day, it was a process. There are some things he still can not do, that will come with age and teaching.
He also made it to his band concert, did his homework, practiced his flute, and practiced for his quiz team. I had a sister come watch, feed, and take him to his concert. But he had one day he was on his own for a couple hours, but he usually has one day a week like that anyway.

He can make simple meals, and do laundry. He helps clean the house.

Oh, and after last week he has a new found appreciation for all we do to make sure he can participate in all his activities off the farm.

Giving a child responsibility gives you the chance to give him meaningful praise. It builds character. It also lets you see if he is careful with his chores, he will be careful in expanded freedom to explore the neighborhood on his bike.

http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/

I really like this approach!

In general the approach of giving kids more responsibility is a good one, but in my opinion the Free Range Kids movement is characterized by hyperbole, mischaracterization, and a little too much wide-eyed zeal.

I can tell you that with two front-page reports in the last year of child molesters arrested in my non-urban area for actively soliciting minors, there's no way I'm leaving my seven-year-old alone at the park:
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/...he-park-leave-them-there-day-are-you-in/

IIRC I've read reports of some free-rangers sending five-year-olds to the park unsupervised, etc. Obviously kids should have as much responsibility as they can handle-- safely.

In our home, freedom is directly tied to responsibility. We live in a city, so our kids were not allowed to ride bikes out of our sight or walk to friends' houses without an adult or older sibling along at ten. It's a far cry from when I was ten, when I had my own paper route and babysat on weekends (I often think back and wonder what insane person thought I was capable of tending to a toddler and newborn at 10!).

So freedom comes in different forms - more autonomy on how to spend mad money earned from chores, more say over what to wear to school and what clothes to purchase from the store from a set budget, more control over how to spend free time once chores and homework are completed, and more power in the decision making processes about what instrument to learn, what sport to play, etc. - that kind of thing.

I have a college student and a senior in high school along with my ten-year-old, and they still don't have the "freedom" they'd have on their own. They are required to let me know where they are at all times, who they are with, what time they will be home, and the right to use our extra vehicle is directly tied to how consistent they are in checking in and being up front. I make sure they understand it is not because I need to know everything about them but because I need to know the last place they were and who else to contact if they don't come home. Sometimes my college student lets me know she's with friends I don't really like or hanging out at a place I'd prefer her not visit, but that is where the freedom comes in - she has the choice to be with those people and at that place as long as she is transparent with me and not getting into trouble.

Your ten-year-old has years upon years ahead of him to gain new freedoms. For now I'd focus on those that still keep him safe while allowing him more autonomy over his choices.

I think a lot of times kids will let you know what they are/are not ready for. There are things that we feel DS10 might be ready to start doing on his own, but if he's very hesitant for some reason, we usually wait because he's not ready. And then there are things that he's really excited about taking responsibility for and doing - weekly cleaning of his bathroom comes to mind, although now he's figured out why I was all too ready to turn that one over to him . I showed him how to properly clean the bathroom, supervised a few times, and now he tries to put off doing does it all on his own. Sometimes I need to point out something missed, but overall he does a great job and *was* excited (not so much anymore ) to have the responsibility.

Anytime DS asks to do something on his own, we evaluate the safety of said something, whether or not he's mature enough, and what can be learned/gained from it, and then we make our decision. Sometimes, the answer is no. Sometimes, it's modified to with supervision, and then sometimes it's "Sure, go ahead. You'll do great!" So far, this has worked well for us.