Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS doesn't want to be different

After the teacher-parents conference, DS's teacher agreed to give DS different math work. DS is in 3rd grade but 90% finished 5th grade math curriculum at home. In his school they have accelerated reader (AR), kids read based on their reading level. They don't do math accelerating until 5th grade (part of kids do 6th grade math). The teacher said there are some math advanced kids in class but no one can put in the same group with DS. Her plan is giving 4th or 5th grade math worksheet to DS but she can not offer extra instructions. I appreciated that she recognized DS's ability and she is the first teacher has willing to give DS different work. Now the only problem is, DS rather do the same work with class because he felt weird to be treated differently. He is afraid people will ask him why he has different work. I just tell him to try for few weeks to see what happened. Does anyone has the same situation?

"I dunno, my parents and the teacher thought it was the right thing to do. How 'bout them Red Sox?"

First, remember that the other kids may not be paying all that much attention. It's not a dirty secret, but he shouldn't raise it if they don't. If they do, answer all questions factually, but don't answer any questions that aren't asked. Use a tone of voice which suggests that this is basically a not very interesting topic of conversation. Not that he actively "doesn't want to talk about it," but just that he doesn't himself think it's particularly worth thinking about. Grownups do what grownups do for reasons that often make no sense to kids, so who cares?

This is generally the approach I suggest, and it's generally effective. Usually it's not the other kids, but the accelerated kid himself, who is so afraid of drawing unwelcome attention that he, well, blurts things out and draws unwelcome attention. And once you've done that, it can be hard to go back.

Let him tell you exactly what he's worried about other kids asking, and develop scripts with him for how he can reply in a way that deflects the interest without lying or implying that he doesn't want the more interesting work.

My DS8 was a little concerned about this when we decided to SA him to 5th for math, but the reality was, after a day or two of very basic questions from very few children, no one cared or noticed at all.

We did exactly as Aimee suggested and worked out scripts for him. The reality is, he found it much easier to respond to the kids, than I ended up finding it was to respond to a couple grownups who found out via their kids.

Cat

Totally agree with Aimee. DS6 had some issues with this last year, basically because they were just giving him random worksheets last year in 1st grade. Sometimes he would do the same ones as the other kids just to be part of the class. Now that he is with a higher grade for math he still feels accepted with them so he loves it. But yes, he still sometimes does some of the other kids work from time to time. He isn't embarrassed by doing different work though, just wants to be part of the other stuff sometimes.

Some kids stand out even with all the scripts in the world. But it is good to teach them those scripts as sometimes they come in handy. The delivery part can be challenging. We worked with DS a couple months ago when he started taking a different bus to school and going to 4th grade for math. We had a simple explanation planned out for when someone asked why he was going to that school. He could just say " I am going there for Math." First time someone asked him he got all flustered and said a long drawn out answer that went something like "I am just really into math and I like math and so my teachers and the principal and my mom decided that I should do 4th grade math, so now I go there for math.." Wow. So we talked about it and said shorter is better and told him short and simple. So the second time he was asked why he went there he said "I don't know." lol.

I'm with you, Catalana... Someone should have given me scripts, lol!

We had this issue for the last 2 years. We too, practiced scripted responses and they have always worked. We just would say "I don't know, because the teacher told me to do this." If the child presisted, we would say, "go ask the teacher is you need to know." Most kids did NOT ask the teacher. ONE did, however, and the teacher shot the student down with a polite, because I asked the student to and you need to worry about your work. That was enough to stop it . Whatever the scripted response is, just stick with the same one everytime. If everyone will get the same response, there's nothing to talk about. I know people say that it will only be a day or two, but honestly, ours lasted much longer. In fact, DD skipped a grade this year, after doing different work last year and now, in to 2nd quarter, she is still getting questions from kids. It's such an automatic response though that it really has helped tremendously. Now instead of the teacher told me to, she just says because the prinicipal told me to and that works just fine!

Thanks for the advice. I've talked to DS and he thought it's a good idea to say that teacher just gives him different assignments. I don't think teacher will replace all his work so most of the children shouldn't notice any change.

Yep, we are in the same boat. DS7 being pulled out for 4th grade math, says he doesn't fit it. He also hates being the youngest (since he skipped 1st grade). I told him all the kids in the class are different in one way or another. Someone is the the youngest, someone is the oldest, someone the tallest, the shortest, someone has blonde hair, black hair, curly or straight etc. Did it help? I have no idea.
I don't want him to feel different but the fact is that he is different. My heart goes out to all of our kids. I dk what the answer is. I just hope is gets easier and not harder as they get older.

Exactly!!! I think there is enormous pressure on them to fit in - and also enormous pressure to be fit in - I get the mental image of teachers, schools, whomever, trying to screw round DCs in to their square holes!

How many of our kids don't show all that they can do, just to fit in - on the preschool forum people report their 3 year olds dumbing down their language and skills in order to be able to play with the other kids. I love what you say about our roles here - if we don't celebrate who we are, how hard that is for them. But it also encourages them to have to go trolling for acceptance - which for anyone who has had that in their life, you know it stinks! Plus, it is hard to trudge along a road alone - we say that as adults fighting to get them what they need so it wouldn't surprise me to hear that they get that too - maybe if they weren't different, their parent wouldn't be fighting with everyone or having to push so hard?

I do wonder how much the culture plays a role here - I just don't remember as a bored giftie in grammar school wanting to fit in, in terms of schoolwork. Is there more pressure today - in this era of increasing diversity - to be more similar than different?

Sorry, I think I went further off topic

DeHe

Yes, I do think there is more pressure than I like to realize for DS to fit in. He told me last week - there are "normal" smart people and "nerdy" smart people. I want to be "normal" smart.

He used to call himself weird and was happy to do so. Now he realizes that he stands out when he doesn't share similar interests with his friends. I think part of it is the age that friends become more important but he is also more aware that he is not like the others in more ways than age.

I love that last piece of your quote about accepting who you are- it is so hard to explain but you did it beautifully.