Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Worried about my son

Hello everyone!
I'm a bit new here so I'll just keep this short.

Well, my only son just turned fourteen and he's having real trouble. Till last year, he was in a special school for gifted children. He's now started high school, for which we had to shift him to a mainstream school. Now this school doesn't really have the best crowd, apparently. Three kids beat him up badly within his second month there. Me and my husband complained to the school board, following which these children were suspended. We did not press charges, though.

The incident has left him shaken. He has always been introverted but now he refuses to even talk about school! He prefers to sit in his room all day and locks the door so I can't see what's going on. When I ask him about it, he either doesn't answer or just says "school stuff". I'm at my wit's end about what I can do. I've tried talking to his teachers but they just say that he's an excellent student in class and they've noticed no bullying.
I suspect that there IS a lot of psychological bullying going on and the teachers don't know about it.

But unless he talks to me, how can I help him? How can I find out?

I feel like a failure as a parent! Help!

Your son needs to talk to you, or somebody close who has his BEST interests at heart because you have to know what has been going on.

Be under no illusion - the school staff and reps. will close ranks and deny everything, even maybe blaming your boy.

You may be able to talk to some of his school friends (associates) as they will sometimes tell you. Maybe even some parents will know more than you.

Until this is resolved you have to keep him home and take care of him to prevent any further damage. tell him NOWthat you are not going to put him in a situation where he will be hurt or harmed - and this may calm him down by taking the pressure off. You may have to homeschool in the long term. The bottom line is his psychological health is of utmost importance.

(My son was bullied see earlier posts - and when it all came to a head and it was a sorry tale it was amazing how many other parents knew and we didn't. One had even complained to his teacher about bullying we knew nothing about)

You are not a failure the school is. Can you switch schools or homeschool? Can you get him out for a fun day and love him up?

Is there a male adult he trusts and with whom he has a close relationship?

Is he athletic at all? Can you enroll him in a a martial arts school? I would go with Krav Maga if it is in your area. The next best would be a cross-fit gym.

Raddy - thanks for sharing. ((hugs)) It is shocking and amazing.
I found that my son at age 13 started to really feel the need to 'grow up and keep it all inside' even though I don't think that any bullying or unusually bad things were going on. Some of this is developmentally appropriate, but boy-oh-boy it drives us Moms crazy!!!

If you can find a young adult male to mentor chess, or a sport, or some other interest, that relationship might grow into a good support. For our family, our son wanted to go away to boarding school, and I thought that it was better to let him experience some independence than to have him at home trying to 'fight off' parental influence, so off he went this September.

I think that every child deserves to be around people who cherish them. If you thought totally 'outside the box' about how that could be for your son - what would you come up with?

In our case, it was helpful to have a pediatrician, and a psychologist tell us 'ok this is the normal teen behavior' and not depression or a clinical level of anxiety. Is there anyone you can trust to help guide you?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks everyone, for replying.

Raddy,
Well firstly, I've decided to keep him at home for a while until we can find some sort of recourse.

Talking to other parents is something I hadn't thought of. I'll definitely do that.
Homeschooling *might* be an option, I'll have to research it a bit. Is it as good as regular school in your opinion?

onthegomom,
Switching schools is unfortunately not a real option over here because we live in a suburb and the next closest school is way too far for my comfort. And there's no guarantee that the crowd would be better.
I'm definitely considering homeschooling as an option. I'd be interested to know your thoughts regarding homeschooling vis-a-vis regular school.

Austin,
There's my husband, of course but he works as an engineer on oil rigs for about seven months a year. So there's no adult male influence that I know of for a large part of the year.
My son has never been particularly athletic but he's not bad. You're right, martial arts might be a good idea. I dunno if he'll be interested enough to remain committed though.

Grinnity,
I've already gone to our doctor, and she said that the psychologist would see us this Sunday.
I don't *think* he's clinically depressed, or maybe I'm just hoping that he's not.
Anyway, I've decided to let him off school for a while. I'm thinking that I could spend some time with him and maybe even drive out to Bergen for a day. But I'm not sure if he really wants my company.
I know that he yearns for male company, for his dad, to do the stuff that I can't. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to try and make some conversation, I guess.

Welcome, talwar.natasha!

Can you tell us more about attitudes towards bullying in Norway? Here in the U.S. it's pretty bad, especially in some regions. The good news, though, is that there is a new visibility on the issue of bullying, just in the last few months. I'm hoping that we're reaching a "critical mass" in realizing that bullying is not normal and not acceptable. Is anything similar happening in Norway?

From what you describe, I do have serious doubts about the situation getting better for your son. The school's response sounds completely inadequate. Just punishing the perpetrators does nothing to change the overall culture of the school. Do they have any kind of anti-bullying program? It's also not good that the teachers only say they "haven't noticed" any bullying. This sounds like the bullying has just gone underground since the assault.

So I guess I'm with Raddy and onthegomom -- you may need to get him out of there.

Wishing you the best, and please keep us updated on what happens!

Meg

P.S. Let me put in another plug for the It Gets Better Project. It now has a message from President Obama! Check it out: http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/video/entry/geyafbsdpvk/ Although the focus is on LGBT youth, Obama's message is more broadly aimed all bullying, and the issue of being different and how that turns out to be your strength.

Raddy, please link to the thread. I knew the first part of the story but I missed the part about the other parents knowing and doing nothing. I want to see what happened.

You might consider professional counciling. You son could confide in someone qualified to support any issue he is dealing with in a professional way. Counciler provides ways to cognitively address problems by things child can say when dealing with bullies. I also found out information from parents and other children about what was really going on. My grandson was also bullied at school, also a very sad story, but support from counciling(outside the school distric) helped him to make it through the ordeal with ways to deal with social issues like bullying. I also would encourage self-defence classes. Often, as sad as it is. Being able to hold your own in sisuations where you are out numbered or threatened by peers ,causes peers to quit threatening you if you aren't someone who they can beat up. It takes the fun right out of it. It is sad we live in a society where women are strongly encouraged to take self defence classes to not become a victim. Did you file your complaint of the assult with your State Department of Education? You can contact State Department and request complaint form and Written Policy on How to Address Bullying. Ask to speak to the Safe and Drug Free School Director. You can share your concerns with the Director about bullying You can ask when is the next Safe and Drug Free Conference, if you are interested in attending. Conferences are usually free. Parents can empower theirselves by knowledge of how educational programs work.

Wishing you the best!

A trip sounds lovely. And long rides are terrific for helping young men out of their shell - I think it has something to do with the vibration of the vehicle. (Humor Alert) You have to keep being there for him to push away from, even when you are feeling like only his Dad or another male could really do the job - there is still a special relationship that only the 2 of you have. Good luck!
Grinity

Adult males can be found in a lot of places.

When I was his age I was pretty much independent. I went to lit club meetings, computer club meetings, astronomy club meetings, rifle club, etc on my own. I found a great mentor when I was 14 in computers.

You might be able to channel an interest of his??

Martial Arts is good, but most do not give you the underlying physical fitness. Most are not design to win a real fight. Krav is the best, but, the adult male presence will be there in any case.

[color:#000099]Homeschooling is a tremendous option that can be just as rigorous or even more rigorous than public or private school. There are tons of resources out there to put together an easy to use curriculum. I recommend finding out the laws in your country pertaining to homeschooling and then checking out the following web site:
http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/inde[/color]x.php


If you look under the highschool and accelerated learner forums, then you will find a wealth of information I would also see if there are other homeschoolers in your country as well and see if universities have accepted homeschoolers as they do in the US. To me homeschooling is a great option for all kids

Gosh thats painful. I was one of those kids, I was bullied from 1st grade on through high school. Every day started with anxiety waking up just thinking about going to school. I remember vividly telling my mother that I was a 2nd class citizen, definatly below anyone else living. I really believed it to be true, and was floored when she told me otherwise.

I think people who are bullied start to believe that its their fault its happening to them. Somehow they *obviously* brought it on themselves because of course, why else would they be singled out of the crowd.

The greatest thing of course being psychological counceling. Help him open up and find coping skills.

Inside the environment, I would think the best thing to prevent further bullying, would be hanging around other friends. A child is less likely to be singled out if they are with others.

Also, if this were my child, I would press charges. Teens are capable of anything and some parents cannot be counted on to teach them accountability for their actions.

Classicsmoms,
I've done some research on homeschooling here in Norway and it seems to be a nascent phenomenon which is catching on pretty rapidly. If we do decide to homeschool him, the social authorities will sometimes conduct random checks to see if the education is up to par and the school board will provide study material etc. It's definitely an option that I'm increasingly leaning in favour of.

MegMeg,
The society itself is pretty intolerant about bullying. It's considered to be a really low thing to do and people tend to get very angry if their kids are bullied. The thing is that this causes schools to get defensive and stop being open about what's going on. Incidents of serious and extensive bullying tend to result in suing fests, where the parent/community demands the head of everyone from the teachers to the school board and national government administrators. So schools like to keep things under wraps.

TMI Grandma,
The health service has been very supportive and they've set up an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow (Sunday). I'm hopeful that it would benefit him, talking to a professional. I was thinking of making him join some sort of self defence class too. He hasn't expressed much interest but I'll try and get him into it.
Grinity,
Yes that's what I'm hoping for. There's nothing like long ride on the Autobahn to make someone open up. Definitely heading to Bergen next week. It might even be fun! Lol

Austin,
I wish he was that independent! He's interested in a lot of things but he never wanted to join a club. He's always been a bit of a loner and an introvert and right now he's much more so than ever. I'll definitely try and encourage him to join something though.

Adrienne,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's such a shame that some people take it upon themselves to make others feel worthless. I think he might be suffering from a guilt complex too but I'm also pretty sure that the bullying hasn't stopped.

Last week, I saw the words "Jeg er en h�lvetes faen" written on his schol bag. It literally means "I am a hellish devil", except that h�lvetes faen ("hellish devil") is just about the nastiest word you can come up with in the Norsk language.

It was faded, so obviously, someone tried to erase it. When I asked my son about it, he said it was just the school prankster and it was nothing serious. As a mother, it was sort of obvious to me that he wasn't being truthful. But even if it was just the prankster, I still thought it was very serious and duly called up the principal who said that he'd "look into it".
So I've stopped sending him to school for the moment and I'm looking into homeschooling as an alternative.

La Texican

I have to see if I posted that bit - but basically little'un was moved to another class as we told the school what we had been advised that the relationship between the bully and liitle'un was 'extremely toxic' and could cause DS long-term emotional and psychological harm.
As DS didn't want to leave the school - in fact he loves it - we insisted he be moved to another class, which they agreed to. Of course once this happened all questions arise from the parents of kids in both classes. We got great support, many saying the the kid who had harmed our boy had bullied their sons too, and nothing had been done. Showed the head and teacher had not only been lying and negigent in our son's case, but other boys ahfd been left out to dry too. It was during a conversation with one of the mums that it came out that she had seen what was going on and had tackled the teacher - the teacher who said in a meeting that there was no bullying of our boy!

Disgraceful!

I'm just happy for you that you can take your son out of school for a while. He has been in a tough spot. Hugs to you.

DS says
"just get him out!"

Go talwar.natasha for trusting your 'Mom-Gut' and reporting the writing. ((hugs))

I was just saying to Mrs raddy this morning that most of the upset and arguments at home (well, our home) arise from incidents at school from both pupils and staff.
I think the only reason I am keeping him in "the system" is because I am at home most of the time and I think DS needs structure - at least time wise - in his life. God knows with the things that have happened I would gladly have him home apart from this issue

There are homeschool groups and classes during the day. If your child needs structure it can be created from home.

Okay, thank you everyone for responding.

I've more or less decided to go ahead with homeschooling and am currently in contact with school authorities who will provide me with necessary supplies and information once I get back to Oslo.

Master of none, you're quite right and thanks for saying it even if it seemed obvious.
I just can't possibly risk lasting psychological harm to my child and have therefore decided to pull him out of school. I want him to grow up in an environment where he feels safe and develops faith in himself, rather than worthless.
The trip to Bergen has been good for us and although he still hasn't opened up fully, I've heard enough to decide that school isn't providing the supportive environment that I want.

It was a big decision to take and not easy at all but now that I've taken it, I feel happy that at the very least, the bullying will definitively stop.

Thanks once again, everyone for your inputs and encouragement! I couldn't have taken the decision without you.

Protect your son first at all cost. Here in the US we are currently dealing with the effects of bullying on young people such as suicide. I am a teacher and do not tolerate any of this behavior and nonsense. School should be a safe place where you can learn and grow both educationally and emotionally. Unfortunatly administration doesn't always back this up. Not just for your son but for other young people fight the fight. Press the point. Silence is acceptance. When bullies are confronted they are seen for the cowards they are. Intimidation is a form of bullying and that is what the school is doing. Yes I am passionate about this. It has to stop. And I see myself as a good place to start.