Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Worried about my son

Hello everyone!
I'm a bit new here so I'll just keep this short.

Well, my only son just turned fourteen and he's having real trouble. Till last year, he was in a special school for gifted children. He's now started high school, for which we had to shift him to a mainstream school. Now this school doesn't really have the best crowd, apparently. Three kids beat him up badly within his second month there. Me and my husband complained to the school board, following which these children were suspended. We did not press charges, though.

The incident has left him shaken. He has always been introverted but now he refuses to even talk about school! He prefers to sit in his room all day and locks the door so I can't see what's going on. When I ask him about it, he either doesn't answer or just says "school stuff". I'm at my wit's end about what I can do. I've tried talking to his teachers but they just say that he's an excellent student in class and they've noticed no bullying.
I suspect that there IS a lot of psychological bullying going on and the teachers don't know about it.

But unless he talks to me, how can I help him? How can I find out?

I feel like a failure as a parent! Help!

Your son needs to talk to you, or somebody close who has his BEST interests at heart because you have to know what has been going on.

Be under no illusion - the school staff and reps. will close ranks and deny everything, even maybe blaming your boy.

You may be able to talk to some of his school friends (associates) as they will sometimes tell you. Maybe even some parents will know more than you.

Until this is resolved you have to keep him home and take care of him to prevent any further damage. tell him NOWthat you are not going to put him in a situation where he will be hurt or harmed - and this may calm him down by taking the pressure off. You may have to homeschool in the long term. The bottom line is his psychological health is of utmost importance.

(My son was bullied see earlier posts - and when it all came to a head and it was a sorry tale it was amazing how many other parents knew and we didn't. One had even complained to his teacher about bullying we knew nothing about)

You are not a failure the school is. Can you switch schools or homeschool? Can you get him out for a fun day and love him up?

Is there a male adult he trusts and with whom he has a close relationship?

Is he athletic at all? Can you enroll him in a a martial arts school? I would go with Krav Maga if it is in your area. The next best would be a cross-fit gym.

Raddy - thanks for sharing. ((hugs)) It is shocking and amazing.
I found that my son at age 13 started to really feel the need to 'grow up and keep it all inside' even though I don't think that any bullying or unusually bad things were going on. Some of this is developmentally appropriate, but boy-oh-boy it drives us Moms crazy!!!

If you can find a young adult male to mentor chess, or a sport, or some other interest, that relationship might grow into a good support. For our family, our son wanted to go away to boarding school, and I thought that it was better to let him experience some independence than to have him at home trying to 'fight off' parental influence, so off he went this September.

I think that every child deserves to be around people who cherish them. If you thought totally 'outside the box' about how that could be for your son - what would you come up with?

In our case, it was helpful to have a pediatrician, and a psychologist tell us 'ok this is the normal teen behavior' and not depression or a clinical level of anxiety. Is there anyone you can trust to help guide you?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks everyone, for replying.

Raddy,
Well firstly, I've decided to keep him at home for a while until we can find some sort of recourse.

Talking to other parents is something I hadn't thought of. I'll definitely do that.
Homeschooling *might* be an option, I'll have to research it a bit. Is it as good as regular school in your opinion?

onthegomom,
Switching schools is unfortunately not a real option over here because we live in a suburb and the next closest school is way too far for my comfort. And there's no guarantee that the crowd would be better.
I'm definitely considering homeschooling as an option. I'd be interested to know your thoughts regarding homeschooling vis-a-vis regular school.

Austin,
There's my husband, of course but he works as an engineer on oil rigs for about seven months a year. So there's no adult male influence that I know of for a large part of the year.
My son has never been particularly athletic but he's not bad. You're right, martial arts might be a good idea. I dunno if he'll be interested enough to remain committed though.

Grinnity,
I've already gone to our doctor, and she said that the psychologist would see us this Sunday.
I don't *think* he's clinically depressed, or maybe I'm just hoping that he's not.
Anyway, I've decided to let him off school for a while. I'm thinking that I could spend some time with him and maybe even drive out to Bergen for a day. But I'm not sure if he really wants my company.
I know that he yearns for male company, for his dad, to do the stuff that I can't. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to try and make some conversation, I guess.

Welcome, talwar.natasha!

Can you tell us more about attitudes towards bullying in Norway? Here in the U.S. it's pretty bad, especially in some regions. The good news, though, is that there is a new visibility on the issue of bullying, just in the last few months. I'm hoping that we're reaching a "critical mass" in realizing that bullying is not normal and not acceptable. Is anything similar happening in Norway?

From what you describe, I do have serious doubts about the situation getting better for your son. The school's response sounds completely inadequate. Just punishing the perpetrators does nothing to change the overall culture of the school. Do they have any kind of anti-bullying program? It's also not good that the teachers only say they "haven't noticed" any bullying. This sounds like the bullying has just gone underground since the assault.

So I guess I'm with Raddy and onthegomom -- you may need to get him out of there.

Wishing you the best, and please keep us updated on what happens!

Meg

P.S. Let me put in another plug for the It Gets Better Project. It now has a message from President Obama! Check it out: http://www.itgetsbetterproject.com/video/entry/geyafbsdpvk/ Although the focus is on LGBT youth, Obama's message is more broadly aimed all bullying, and the issue of being different and how that turns out to be your strength.

Raddy, please link to the thread. I knew the first part of the story but I missed the part about the other parents knowing and doing nothing. I want to see what happened.

You might consider professional counciling. You son could confide in someone qualified to support any issue he is dealing with in a professional way. Counciler provides ways to cognitively address problems by things child can say when dealing with bullies. I also found out information from parents and other children about what was really going on. My grandson was also bullied at school, also a very sad story, but support from counciling(outside the school distric) helped him to make it through the ordeal with ways to deal with social issues like bullying. I also would encourage self-defence classes. Often, as sad as it is. Being able to hold your own in sisuations where you are out numbered or threatened by peers ,causes peers to quit threatening you if you aren't someone who they can beat up. It takes the fun right out of it. It is sad we live in a society where women are strongly encouraged to take self defence classes to not become a victim. Did you file your complaint of the assult with your State Department of Education? You can contact State Department and request complaint form and Written Policy on How to Address Bullying. Ask to speak to the Safe and Drug Free School Director. You can share your concerns with the Director about bullying You can ask when is the next Safe and Drug Free Conference, if you are interested in attending. Conferences are usually free. Parents can empower theirselves by knowledge of how educational programs work.

Wishing you the best!

A trip sounds lovely. And long rides are terrific for helping young men out of their shell - I think it has something to do with the vibration of the vehicle. (Humor Alert) You have to keep being there for him to push away from, even when you are feeling like only his Dad or another male could really do the job - there is still a special relationship that only the 2 of you have. Good luck!
Grinity