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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 701
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 701 |
Jen,
I'm so sorry you're having to reevaluate everything again. This rollercoaster ride is exhausting and it's so disheartening when, when you think you've finally gotten things in a good place, the school starts pointing out problems again.
The first thing I would say is try to talk to the teacher in person. I know I've often gotten upset when a teacher has e-mailed me about a seemingly gigantic problem only to talk to the teacher and just find out that she was "concerned." Sometimes, but obviously not always, teachers just feel like they are constructively sharing so you can work on a problem together. They don't realize how much we take their comments to heart and how much what they say can rock our worlds. So, just in case, I'd try to talk to her face-to-face.
That being said, there is always a need to work on a child's response to disappointment, especially since your DS is just 7. He's not the only kid to have a problem with this. If his response to frustration and disappointment is stronger than most, I would think the same basic behavioral techniques that LaTexican wrote about would still be helpful. This may be a naive and simplistic suggestion, but have you tried incentives for good behavior at school (e.g., stickers, candy, money, saving up for a fun outing)? I've seen it work, albeit very slowly, for some kids. Obviously, though, it's a complex issue that has many variables that need to be examined and possibly tweaked.
Please talk to the teacher now or when you get a basic game plan/response set in your mind. She may think it's a big deal worthy of removing him from school or she may have just been "sharing" in an attempt to be helpful. Either way, ((HUGS)) to both you and your DS, who is just a sweet, smart little guy.
She thought she could, so she did.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207
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Posts: 7,207 |
The first thing I would say is try to talk to the teacher in person. Hi Jen, I think that things go in waves like this. Sorry to hear that you are on the hard part of things. I think a face to face meeting with the teacher is a good idea. Worrying about where this is leading isn't a good idea - even if it's bad, it's too early to tell, so what's to gain? My guess is that the teacher is responding to a change from baseline. Humans are good at getting used to baseline, and then getting excited when things get worse unexpectedly. Do you have some kind of communication note or email set up between home and school? It's key to getting a good picture. The teacher herself may be overestimating the size of the problem because of the human tendency to ignore the good and highlight the bad. If you get a brief note passing back and forth with attention on the little victories, it will change everyone's perception of the situation. We get what I call 'the marias' about once a semester. It's when the teachers start to sound like this From: The Sound of Music
(one nun at a time)
She climbs a tree
And scrapes her knee
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzs on her way to mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair!
I've even heard her singing in the abbey
She's always late for chappe,
But her penitence is real
She's always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it but I very firmly feel
(all together)
Maria's not an asset to the abbey
(one nun)
I'd like to say a word in her behalf:
Maria makes me laugh
(all nuns laugh)
(all nuns)
How do you solve a problem like maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
(one nun at a time)
A flibbertajibbit?
A will of a whisp
a clown
Many a thing you know you'd like tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay?
And listen to all you say
how do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moon beam in your hand?
When I'm with her
I'm confused
Out of focus
And bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
(one nun at a time)
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling
She's a demon
She's a lamb
She'd out pester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She can throw a twirling dervish out of whirl
She is gentle
She is wild
She's a riddle
She's a child
She's a headache
She's an angel
She's a girl!!
(all at once)
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertajjibet
A will of a wisp
A clown
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay?
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?
Oh how do you solve a problem like maria?
How do you hold a moon beam in your hand?
[/quote=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion]
Then I know it's my turn to show my face in person,(with DH if possible) listen well, look concerned, express appreciation for how much the teacher cares and suggest that we start a daily note.
there is this phrase, idea, Catastrophizing[quote]Magnification and minimization � Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." ... There is one subtype of magnification:
Catastrophizing � Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable. and the truth is, that not only do our kids do it, and we do, but our teachers do it to. So the first thing to do is to try to get a realistic picture of the situation, and then try to help everyone else see the same realistic picture. Since there is no crystal ball, we can only do our best. Hugs, Grinity
Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 687
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Posts: 687 |
Marias - what a perfect way to put it. Love it.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 7,207 |
Marias - what a perfect way to put it. Love it. And of course, my son acts out in 'all boy' ways, so there is a bit of humor picturing him doing acting out more traditionally associated with a girl. But the frustration and bewilderment and judgement and fear is so 'the same.'
Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 425
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Posts: 425 |
Have you considered non-medication therapy like ABA or cognitive behavior therapy? From your description of your son, it sounds like it might help. Yes, we have considered this and are looking into it. DS is currently seeing a therapist (LMHC) to address these issues. He's using a variety of approaches, but we are definitely looking into something like what you mention. Thank you for the suggestion.
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Joined: Sep 2009
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He's melting down less, but when he does melt down, it's more severe. Possibly because he's so disappointed in and surprised by his own bad behavior, when he was hoping he had it under control. BTDT. Definite possibility! He even describes one reason for not being able to stop the meltdown this way: "Once I start having a meltdown, I get so mad at myself, and then I start crying and yelling because I'm so frustrated at myself for doing it again." If you keep collecting information you may be able to get a grip on the pattern and figure out what he's really going through and how to change the pattern. We know the triggers are frustration with himself (perfectionism) and inability to tolerate even the smallest infraction from another kid, often perceiving an injustice when it wasn't intended. However, we have been unable to find a pattern to when he's going to have a bad day or a good day. There is no pattern. Some days he handles those things well, and other days, he's a complete mess. Yeah, we were not thrilled with medicating a little kid either. For us it came down to relieving suffering, and I'm a little shocked to say that I have not regretted doing so even for a minute. I completely understand what you are saying, and that just might be what puts us over the edge. I can't stand seeing him struggle so much emotionally. It is literally breaking my heart. I might be a race to see which one of us starts taking an antidepressant first!
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Hi Jen, my son was having outbursts at home last year, and really bad irritability. Everyone was pretty miserable. We eventually took him to see a therapist, and we determined that the outbursts were related to a really bad K fit, and that he was spending the day in a state of unrelenting anxiety, due in part to (probable) SI issues. The play therapy has really helped. The therapist has helped us understand him better, appreciates his giftedness and sensitivity, and has helped us manage his behavior more effectively, in terms of self regulation. She has also advocated for him at home, and linked us to various services. My DS still has frustration issues, and occasional outbursts, but nothing like the continuous irritability and tantrums he had last year. Rosapina, Did your son like going to school? Did he want to be there? Did you have an indication that he was unhappy at school before you uncovered the poor K fit with the therapist?
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Joined: Sep 2009
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The first thing I would say is try to talk to the teacher in person. I did this, and she definitely thinks that, overall, things are getting worse for him emotionally and socially. We have had a pretty rough weekend with him as well, as a matter of fact, so maybe she's on to something with the medication thing. I'm just not sure medication is the answer for any of this emotional stuff, at least not a stimulant ADHD med. This may be a naive and simplistic suggestion, but have you tried incentives for good behavior at school? Actually, we use a star chart (iPhone version) to earn stars for certain responsibilities and behaviors. It works quite well for everything EXCEPT the emotional outbursts. In fact, when we tried to tie specifically to a reward system, the meltdowns became more frequent and more severe because he was putting so much pressure on himself. We do have a "behavior" listed on his chart that says, "Managing Frustration Positively". Anytime he feels like he wants to melt down and stops himself from going into full breakdown mode, we give him stars and praise him A LOT. Even if he comes home from school and tells me about an incident where this happened (even if no else observed it) we give him stars because he's extremely honest that way. Once we tried rewarding him for having "no meltdowns" at school on a daily basis, and that was just too much pressure. During that week, he had many, many more outbursts that usual. It seems to be something he simply can not control, no matter how badly he would like to be able to. Please talk to the teacher now or when you get a basic game plan/response set in your mind. On Friday, I asked to have a meeting sometime in the next couple of weeks, and they scheduled it for MONDAY! The administrator, school psychologist, and teacher will be in the meeting. I'm trying to feel positive and hope that they are going to be supportive and help us problem solve, but I'm afraid that they'll also be giving us a time frame to get this under control. If that happens, I could see my dh wanting to pull him immediately. I think that would not be a good thing for ds, because he loves the school. He needs to, at least, finish the school year, in my opinion. Otherwise, his self esteem is REALLY going to plummet. Thanks for responding and for sharing your thoughts.
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Joined: Sep 2009
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Worrying about where this is leading isn't a good idea - even if it's bad, it's too early to tell, so what's to gain? Sanity from having a plan? I don't know; I just want to fix it!!!!! Do you have some kind of communication note or email set up between home and school? Yes, but the teacher has been a little hit-or-miss on sending the emails. We tend to get them when there's something negative going on, but I can't assume that just because she didn't send an email one day that everything was good. In our meeting tomorrow, I need to reiterate how important daily written communication is. I've suggested a notebook that we can send back and forth, but she preferred email.
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Joined: May 2009
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I was going to suggest CBT as well, but I see that has already been put out there.
It does sound like there is some difficulty with this particular teacher fit as well, though. Does he have any other options for teachers or is this it at this school?
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