Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Time to homeschool again?

For anyone not familiar with our situation, DS7 is in 2nd grade in Montessori school. It's the first time ever he's enjoyed school and loves to go every day.

His preschool (PK-3) situation was a nightmare. He was in trouble constantly for not staying seated, talking out of turn, and emotional outbursts.

Next, we went to PK-4 at a Catholic school who had him repeat the "grade" for all of the same reasons, although they admitted he was academically advanced and would likely be bored. Went to KG at the same Catholic school, same issues...pulled him after a couple of months into the school year and homeschooled. (The school basically encouraged this as they didn't know how to "handle" him.)

We completed KG in one semester at home and then enrolled him in 1st grade for the 2nd half of the school year at the Montessori school. Same issues...had him evaluated...he was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication.

So, here he is in 2nd grade, and more of the same. His focus has improved significantly, however the emotional regulation issues have not resolved, nor have they improved substantially.

My son has been through 6 medication changes, and that is not including all the dosage changes for each of those meds. He is sensitive to side effects, has not gained weight, and has increased anxiety on certain meds or higher dosages.

Public school is not an option. Regardless of whether there's more going on here than ADHD, I am not willing, at this point, to add any extra medications to the mix. So, that said, would you please read the following email from the teacher and share your thoughts? I am afraid the school is going to tell us they can't deal with him. If that happens, I am prepared to homeschool again, however it would be difficult financially. Do you think this email indicates a poor school fit, and would you be inclined to pull him out? Do you think this email is a lead-up to asking us to take him out of the school? His emotional meltdowns (last about 2-3 minutes and occur several times per week) are taking a toll on him socially and in terms of self-esteem. He loves school, but is showing signs of depressed mood, according to the therapist he sees.

Email from teacher:
"While trying to cut out a tracing of his hand, N became very frustrated. He kept shouting ,� I cant do this I cant do this. He then threw the scissors in disgust.. At this point, I kicked into action and asked him to sit and breathe.. I had to take him out of the room to calm him down. I was concerned about his physical reaction, which seems to be happening more often. Luckily no one was hurt�but� it could have been bad.

N�s coping mechanism is not working very well and I am thinking that the medication is not ideal. These situations seem to be happening more often and more severe.

There were a few other cooperation activities that N became frustrated with today� One while out at recess and one during free time at the end of the day. (shouting)

It may be time for N to revisit the ADHD doctor and his medication options.

Take care."

If you made it through this entire post, thank you! Sorry it's so long!

I don't know the answer, but wanted to wish you good luck. I guess the only thing I could think of to try, without reading up on the subject, would be exposing him to failure more often at home and using generally useful techniques like modeling the right response, plus convincing him that failure is no big deal. At the first opportunity possible, if that comes, I would reduce his meds.

Jen, I can't answer your question specifically because my son (DS7 also) has not been diagnosed with ADHD and has never been on medication. He has, however, had outbursts such as you describe throughout his schooling. My son's diagnosis was autism, now asperger's, and we have used behavior therapy with him to help with frustration, perfectionism, and emotional self-regulation. Have you considered non-medication therapy like ABA or cognitive behavior therapy? From your description of your son, it sounds like it might help.

We have found a school that is a really good fit this year and one reason is that DS's current teacher would have "kicked into action" at the first hint of frustration instead of waiting until the scissors were thrown on the floor in disgust. By then (for our DS) it is too late, the meltdown is occurring and there is not much to be done. A perceptive teacher can often recognize early signs of impending problems and nip them in the bud before it is too late.

Hope that helps a little! Nan

Hi Jen,

If I remember correctly, you upped the stimulant recently, right? That can increase anxiety. The demands of school also gradually increase, and we're in the "honeymoon's over" phase of the school year. That can make this a tough time of year.

I would suggest being open to exploring the possibility of adding another med; as you know, for our DS, an SSRI was necessary to treat the anxiety and really reduced these meltdown situations at school.

I don't think teachers necessarily always have a good handle on the issue of meds, but if they feel something's not right, I suspect you should pursue that question with your DS's doctor.

Feel free to PM.

DeeDee

We changed medications, but we didn't increase the dose. We are just using a short acting/instant release stimulant rather than the extended release. With the instant release we see less anxiety, less personality changes, and increased appetite. We actually see fewer meltdowns at home, and interestingly, this is the first he's had all week. So, he just completed three full days without any incidents at all, and he has been completing all of his work for over a month now. I don't know if the teacher is reacting to an emotionally charged situation, or if she truly feels things are getting worse. I actually thought they were getting better to a degree. I certainly didn't think they were getting worse.


I know, but I'm so scared to give my 7 year old an SSRI before we've even done the neuro-psych testing. I'm not opposed to helping him in any way that make sense, but I'm so afraid of giving him something that makes it worse. Plus, I know trying to stop taking an antidepressant can be quite difficult. It's definitely on the list of things to consider. Our doctor has said it will be the next course of action if the emotional regulation issues do not improve.

Thanks for responding. I feel like pulling my hair out.

Jen, I know what you mean. This is harrowing stuff.

As for whether things are getting worse, I can think of a lot of scenarios:

--He's "worse" at school in that they are seeing more ups and downs, but more level at home because you are so attentive

--The teachers are watching all the other kids mature, learn to deal with expectations, etc., and your DS is not mastering these skills at the same rate, so even if he's making progress it still looks "worse" to them

--He's melting down less, but when he does melt down, it's more severe. Possibly because he's so disappointed in and surprised by his own bad behavior, when he was hoping he had it under control. BTDT.

If you keep collecting information you may be able to get a grip on the pattern and figure out what he's really going through and how to change the pattern.

Yeah, we were not thrilled with medicating a little kid either. For us it came down to relieving suffering, and I'm a little shocked to say that I have not regretted doing so even for a minute. YMMV.

DeeDee

Hi Jen, my son was having outbursts at home last year, and really bad irritability. Everyone was pretty miserable. We eventually took him to see a therapist, and we determined that the outbursts were related to a really bad K fit, and that he was spending the day in a state of unrelenting anxiety, due in part to (probable) SI issues. The play therapy has really helped. The therapist has helped us understand him better, appreciates his giftedness and sensitivity, and has helped us manage his behavior more effectively, in terms of self regulation. She has also advocated for him at home, and linked us to various services. My DS still has frustration issues, and occasional outbursts, but nothing like the continuous irritability and tantrums he had last year.

Jen, I have this book called "skillstreaming" for teaching kids how to act if it doesn't come naturally. �I think it's for shrinks and teachers. �I just looked up "dealing with feeling mad" to see what it tells you. �

1. Stop and think
Discuss the importance of stopping and not doing anything. �Talk about the negative consequence of acting out this feeling in an aggressive way. �Also discuss that stopping and thinking give a person time to male choices.
2. Choose
a. �Turtle
Instruct children to act like turtles, curling up in their shells where they can't see the person (or thing) with whom they are angry.
b. Relax
Refer to relaxing (skill 32).
c. Ask to talk.
Discuss people children can talk to. �Refer to asking to talk (skill 23) as needed.
3. Do it.
Children should make one of these choices.

Suggested situations:
School: the teacher won't let you have free play.
Home: its raining and a parent won't let you ride your bike.
Peer group: a friend has taken your basketball and won't give it back.

Skill 32: relaxing
1. Think about how you feel.
Talk about how children feel when they are tense (jittery inside, getting a stomachache, tight or warm all over, etc.).
2. Take three deep breaths.
Teach the children how to take relaxing breaths: take a big breath in slowly, then let the air out through an open mouth. �Have everyone practice this step.
3. �Squeeze the oranges.
Pretend to give each child an orange in each hand. �Have children tighten their fists to squeeze all the juice out of each orange in turn, then both oranges together. �Finally, have them drop the oranges and shake the rest of the juice off their hands.
Comments: children may need a great deal of training before they are able to use this skill effectively. �Having them practice this skill each day before they rest may help them to fall asleep more easily.

I know you can't tell who you're talking to online so let me be clear i'm not a shrink. I found these books skimming Amazon and bought them so I could learn to teach my boy how to not get in trouble, I hope!
I'll add one more skill suggestion- reading others (look at the face. Look at the body). Show a variety of pictures cut from a magazine. Have children describe the facial expressions and body postures shown in the pictures. When you read an illustrated story (heck, even watching tv commercials) draw attention to the charachters' facial expressions and body postures as clues to how the characters might feel. When reading stories to the children, ask how they think the charachters in the story feel and why.