Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Sudden separation anxiety

Anyone experience this? Ds7 is going through some major separation anxiety lately. He's never been this way, EVER. He's usually the kid who runs off and forgets to say goodbye to me. Now, all of a sudden, he's crying and wanting to come home from my parents' house before he even reached their home. He had to take a picture of the two of us with him. I promised him he could call me at any time to talk or to come pick him up. I encouraged him to go and have a good time. He called me from the car saying, "I want to go to Papa's house, but I want you. I don't know what to do." So, I told him to just go and try to have fun and call if he needs me. He has always been just as comfortable with my parents as he is with dh and me.

This has been going on for about a month I think. I'd say the timing coincides with the increase of his Concerta from 27 mg to 36 mg. Other anxiety symptoms have not worsened, however.

When we go out to dinner, he has to be next to me, and he's been coming in to bed with me early in the morning lately. If I send him back to his room, he can't go to sleep, and then he's a mess all day.

His doctor has said he has anxiety (however, until now it has appeared to be related almost solely to perfectionism). He also has ADHD, and his counselor diagnosed "depressed mood". I'm sure it's all related somehow, but why separation anxiety, and why now?

Any chance it could be Walt Disney related?
http://www.snopes.com/disney/waltdisn/mother.asp

OMG! Bahahaha!!!!

I can't tell you how hard I am laughing right now! Thanks, I needed that!

We'll be sure and leave that "fact" out of the historical presentation!

Does your son go to school and if he does has he experienced any form of bullying while there? You are probably right about the medication being the culprit for what you are witnessing but just in case, I would ask a few questions to see if he is being picked on.

Jen,

YES! My DD7 has always been a confident, wave-a-quick-goodbye-and-she's-off kind of gal. Then, about one month before school started, she would WAIL every night about going back to school because she'd have to be away from me. She wanted me to have lunch with her, stay in the classroom, always be the one to pick her up from school....

School started, and it continued on for about a week, but now she's pretty much over it.

So, there's hope it's just a phase....!

Jen

My son is fine going to school, just like normal. Sometimes after school, he'll cry and say he missed me, but he never says he doesn't want to go to school. I guess that's a good thing. It's just such strange behavior for him, as it's so out of character.

We are having the SAME problem with DD8. She has ADHD (on Biphentin) and anxiety and crippling perfectionism, as well. She clings to me and begs me to stay home from work (I work shift work, so I really do spend a lot of time at home). On her past few sleepovers she seriously considered coming home at bedtime because she would miss me too much. During the day she wants to cuddle with me as much as possible.

In our case, I can't find a reason. Her perfectionism/anxiety at school is actually improved quite a bit this school year. She tells me that she just needs more 'Mama Love' than other kids because she loves me more than other kids love their moms. I'm hoping things will settle down as the school year progresses. We are in the process of selling our house and house hunting. I have a suspicion that this is bothering her more than she is letting on.

Poor kiddo. My money says you are right to suspect a connection with the med change.

That's awesome! My husband and I are cracking up at this. We love it! It sounds just like something our son would say!

More strange anxiety issues today. The doctor said if we see an increase in anxiety we might need to lower the dose and add in Straterra, as it is a non-stimulant medication. Anyone tried this?

I don't think he's being bullied at school, but he is so sensitive. The smallest things make him think kids don't like him, and often he'll say he doesn't have any friends. Of course, he often talks about friends from school, so I'm not sure if he's being dramatic, if he really feels that way, or if it's a momentary feeling. I think he has kids he interacts with; he just doesn't relate that well to them, so he doesn't consider them "real friends".

And, then there's the whole picking teams issue, but I won't get on my soap box about that again. DS is often chosen last, and I think that's because of his emotional meltdowns. They don't want him on their team b/c athletic team activities often trigger his meltdowns. It really bothers him that he's chosen last, and I've talked to the school about it. Apparently, they are married to the practice of choosing teams b/c it's continues.

Despite all of that, he's always eager to go to school, and if I ask him if he'd prefer to homeschool or go to another school, he always says no.

Tomorrow, I'm going to reduce his med dose. I think I have some 18mg Concerta around here somewhere. We can use that until we get our new Rx.

Jen, we use Strattera to manage our DS's attention issues. It works well for us, without the ramped-up anxiety that the stimulant-class ADHD meds produce. He also takes a tiny dose of Celexa for anxiety, which radically improved his ability to cope in social situations like the ones you describe at school.

I'm glad you're seeking further evaluation, because meltdowns at school *are* stigmatizing. Is anyone at school teaching him to manage and diminish these? Ultimately he needs to learn strategies to be responsible for his own behavior.

I can't believe the school can't go to a system of choosing teams some other way. Letting the kids pick is barbaric. I know the gym teacher isn't sympathetic, but is there someone you trust there who could broach this to the gym teacher and/or principal? If they are committed to helping your DS, they shouldn't let this slide.

Hang in there,
DeeDee

Thanks Deedee. What dose of Celexa is he taking? Our next step would be an SSRI, according to the doctor. I am hoping the Concerta/Straterra combination works. Although, it would be great if the Straterra alone did the job. I'd love for him not to have to take a stimulant, but I can't imagine how he'd be able to cope at school. His attention issues are significant.

As for the choosing teams thing...even the classroom teacher, who I love, isn't supportive about that. Here was her reply to my email about it:

"Once a week we play dodgeball on the field. Turns are taken for the captains. It is done is a kind fashion and all friends have a great time. I am sorry that N is feeling hurt. He does have the option of not playing and going to the sports court."

We even talked about it in person, and she said it wasn't a big deal and that no feelings were hurt (except my son's). I was very up front about how I feel about this practice. I said it seems archaic and that I was very surprised to hear that people are still doing this, especially in a Montessori school where peace and kindness are priorities.

DS is seen as too sensitive, so they chalk it up to him just being sensitive again. I'm so torn about addressing issues like this. It's hard for me to request that they change the way they do things with everyone just for my child. I do ask for personal accommodations for him, and they are very cooperative with that kind of thing. But, asking them to change how they do things with all of their students is another story. This just makes ds stick out even more. This is definitely where private schools fall short of meeting the needs of kids with special needs. Public school might be required to address his specific needs, but trust me, I have no doubt they'd fall short too.

Today he had a meltdown at my parents' house, and he said, "I am the biggest loser ever. No wonder I don't have any friends." He also made the comment, "Why is everyone always trying to change me?!" I feel so bad for him and so guilty that I'm not helping him adequately. I am so tempted to yank him and homeschool him, but I'm trying not to be impulsive. Not to mention, we'd be out thousands of dollars.

As always, thanks for the support and advice. Hopefully we'll get some answers in January.

Hi Jen,

Concerta-Strattera seems like an odd combination to me, as they both would address the attention component (via different mechanisms). (But I am not a doctor.) Dosages of these meds are an art, as well as a science, and should be determined only by a specialist prescriber who really understands your kid's issues. DS8 gets less than the smallest Celexa pill-- we split them.


Yep, they likely would. Although in a public school you'd have better recourse to pressure them to do the right thing; it took us time, and more effort than I care to recall, but we have things set up well at our public elementary right now.

Changing how they deal with all students would be more humane and possibly help your DS stick out less, if they were willing. Although a kid like yours (who is a lot like mine by everything you've written) sticks out no matter what. Good management by the teachers would help him be happier and learn and function better, AND have better relationhips with peers, but it doesn't ultimately fix the disability, just encourages better growth in all areas.

It sounds as though you have hit a limit on what they are willing to deal with and help with at this school, at least in this area. I love Montessori, but I do still have a suspicion that your DS is not going to get all the support he needs to succeed in that environment.


Our son at this age started to really notice his differences. We found it useful to talk openly about the fact that some things that are easy for other kids are hard for him (and vice versa, given his gifts), and to name those things explicitly. He needs to know explicitly what are his challenges to face and overcome. Everyone has challenges, these are his. It's not always fair, but it's how it is.

At the same time, he's not excused from working on these challenges: every person has to learn to manage their behavior and be socially acceptable no matter how hard it is for them. To "why do they all want to change me" we would say, for example, "you need to learn to manage your reactions in sports because when you yell and scream it is unpleasant for other people and they don't want to play any more. We are going to help you learn to keep calm so you can participate and have fun." That is, we aren't going to change "who you are as a person," we think you're adorable and all that, but we are working on teaching you skills that will make your life better.

Then we make darn sure we are really teaching the skills, so he can see his progress, and we comment on his progress so he can feel good about what he's achieving. Our DS really buys into his behavior goals, he is the proudest one when he has a good behavior day, and that's huge.


Yeah. And I'd be careful to know his thinking about this issue before making any sudden moves. Yanking him may be a relief to all concerned, or it may be perceived by him as "his mom didn't think he could really manage school"-- a vote of no confidence. You really don't want him thinking that.

I know it's a wait to January-- hang in there. Maybe in the meantime you can research what plan B would look like if you find the current school unworkable?

DeeDee

If it helps... we did notice a dramatic difference with mood swings and, to a lesser degree, anxiety when we reduced DD's biphentin from 20mg to 15 mg in August. You have me thinking about it now and maybe that has played a role with her reduced anxiety at school. She did manage to go to her best friend's birthday sleepover tonight without a second glance in my direction. It has been so long since that happened that I actually felt a little sad!

Good luck with the dosage reduction.