Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Confounded by lack of kindness.

Hi,

Just wondering what, if anything to do for my dd, 4.5. She seems to become completely stumped when someone is unkind to her, treats her unfairly or breaks 'the rules'. She has such a strong sense of right and wrong, and has done since she was very small. If someone is mean to her or if she is treated unfairly, it's like she shuts down. She doesn't cry or run away, she just stares at them silently. If you try to talk to her about it, she is interested in knowing why you think they might have done what they did, but it's like she's so overwhelmed by her feelings she can't talk about her response to it.

I've talked a little about age appropriate behaviour for other kids, that different families have different rules and why DH and I think it's important to be respectful to others, even if others aren't always. I've explained that if someone is deliberately mean then their behaviour is a reflection on them rather than evidence of failure on dd's behalf. But none of that really gives her any strategies for what to do. My natural inclination, ever since I was a child, is to give as good as I get, so I don't have any experience of being unsure or unable to do that, or having to learn it. I have to say dd is very good at letting DH and/or I know when we have upset her so I know she can raise it and is able to articulate what has upset her, and even how she feels. But outside that comfort zone she's all at sea. Having said that, she does bounce back quickly, so maybe I am worrying over nothing.

I guess why I do worry about it is because she may start school in first grade in the new school year (Feb 11 here), and given she would have been one of the youngest in a kindergarten class, she will be especially young with the grade skip. She is well liked by kids at her preschool, but I'd like to give her some strategies to help her either stand up for herself a little, or be able to walk away without being too hurt (realising there is not going to be an instant fix).

Any thoughts?

Many thanks!

I don't think there is a quick fix, and particularly in this case, where I think some is just emotional development that she doesn't have yet (or has in some areas that differ from other kids ) you have to continue to do what you are doing. Continue to speak with her about responses and keep listening to her, make sure she knows it is okay to speak up for herself (especially that one can be respectful and speak powerfully at the same time - very important for all kids but especially for girls IMO), maybe find some books that talk about bullying (in the broad sense) and kindness and why children might act that way.

Good luck, Cat

We had the same issue with our DD when she was that age, and sometimes it happens now too (at age 7.5)
I have no magic answer, but what worked for us, especially when at school was to inform the teacher(s) of DD's super sensitivities and explain that she can not understand why anyone would be mean to anyone else and that she will sometimes "shut off" if she experiences it. Then everyday when I picked her up from school we talked about how the day was, and if everything went well, etc. The more times we talked about it the better she got at coping with it. What also helped was that she was in a small school and she knew the librarian really well, so when she saw something that disturbed her or she couldn't understand she would go and talk to the lib. about it, and the lib. would help her understand it, and since she worked at the school, she would then take care of it from a disciplinary side.
There have been times when DD just went up to the person who was unkind and told them to stop and asked why they thought it was ok to be mean! (I was amazed she did this, but she said she really was trying to find out why they thought it was ok. Luckily, they were so shocked that someone asked that they weren't mean to her in response.)

There is an article somewhere on this board that I hope someone will point you to, as I have forgotten where to find it. It's about how, contrary to the commonly held belief that gifted kids are socially behind, they are actually socially ahead in their expectations for friendship and it comes across as not getting along just because they are different. It sounds like your DD has high expectations of how people ought to behave, and the problem is that they don't. Hopefully someone can point you to that study, or I can figure out where it is, because it was a great help to me with my DS.

Thanks to you all. I will definitely keep talking to her about it - Kerry, love the story of your dd standing up to the mean kid, fantastic

Nautigal - thanks for the tip on the article. I read other things along the lines of what you were saying and know what you mean. Dd is really good socially these days. She gets along really well with other kids and once she's warmed up, she is often the leader of a group. What does pose a problem for her is that she is very aware of being judged by other kids (who in reality, at least with regard to her age peers, are not yet capable of a judging her in the sense that she understands it). For example at 3 she refused to ware a jacket I had bought her because it was unusual and she felt "the other kids will think I'm weird" (when in reality I doubt they'd notice a jacket unless it had Dora the Explorer or some other character on it!) Similarly, a few months ago when the parents of one of her friends called to say their daughter couldn't make a play date because she was sick, dd said "I don't think x is sick, I think she just doesn't want to play with me" - again, I am pretty sure most 4 your olds have not yet grasped that that is even an option (consciously at least, though appreciate that some might actually 'feel sick' if they don't want to do something or feel anxious about it). Certainly it isn't an excuse we've made on dd's behalf, so where she's picked that up from I have no idea!

While I don't know for sure, my gut feeling from her responses to people being mean or not playing 'by the rules' is that she feels it's because they don't like her or she that she's the one doing something wrong (which undoubtedly will be the case from time to time, but at this stage probably less often than not). Perhaps it's a bit of early onset 'impostor syndrome'! Sigh.

Maybe this will help. The way we talked about this stuff goes something like this. Different kids are working on different stuff. What is stuff you are working on right now? Stuff like tying your shoes and remembering to say thank you. It looks like Jacob is working on remembering to take turns. When you were learning to take turns what helped you?..."

In this context you can also talk about how learning to walk away or make a different choice can be something she's working on too.

Really though I wouldn't give this much concern. In first grade there will be classroom rules and norms and she'll sort out where she fits in that context.

My DD had some harsh comments from others in 1st grade. She is very sensitive. The best I could do for her was to talk to her about her day and listen. I always felt like if she could talk about it the feelings would be smaller and external. I also tried to let her know that others were not to define what was right for her. She was wonderful just as she is. Extra hugs help too.

I hope this helps.