Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Pushy parents...our continual debate

A friend of mine sent me this link and I thought it might be of interest to others on here since we tend to discuss the idea of a pushy parent.

EDITED TO PROVIDE THE PROPER LINK:

http://www.terra.es/personal/asstib/articulos/padres/padres5.htm

The link doesn't work for me.

The link didn't work for me either but I went to the homepage and put in pushy parents and went to the link for gifted kids.

It didn't say much. More of an article written by someone who had a deadline and works from home, but I did copy the last few lines, summarizing the thoughts:

One of the most important early experiences that will stimulate a child's brain development is sensitive and nurturing care. Children, all children, need to know they are loved for who they are and not for their abilities. This is especially important for gifted children, whose abilities are exceptional, because parents often feel it is essential for those abilities to be maximized, often regardless of the children's feelings and desires.

Children who are pushed and pressured are at risk for emotional problems, such as depression, which can lead to serious consequences like suicide.

Advice to parents is relatively simple: provide nurturing experiences for your child, but don't allow your desires for a brilliant and successful offspring to determine your decisions.

Is this the one?
http://giftedkids.about.com/od/nurturinggiftsandtalents/i/nurture_push_2.htm

Sorry about that ... I loaded it from my IPad and I guess it didn't like the link.

Trying again from a regular laptop:

http://www.terra.es/personal/asstib/articulos/padres/padres5.htm

This is timely since I've been wrestling with "pushing" DD8 to continue in choir. She doesn't want to but I think music is a meaningful part of her education. DH and I had little to no musical training and it seems like we missed out on an important opportunity. Choir offers a number of benefits over an instrument (price, time and practice) but she tried it last year and doesn't want to continue this year. Part of me wants to just drop it and save shuttling to rehearsal each week. Another part of me feels like a musical illiterate who doesn't want her to follow in my footsteps. Advice?

Inky,

Is it that she finds it boring or that she doesn't think she is good at it?

We just started DD in piano lessons and she had her first lesson yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised that she was really excited about it. I really hope her excite continues to build but if it doesn't and we hit a snap where she doesn't want to do it I'm pretty sure we will continue with it for at least another year, because sometimes they get into ruts and need to be dare I say it??? Pushed.

Back when DD was 2 and I was coming to the realization that she was gifted I was one of the parents the article talks about: the parent that tried desperately not to feed her hunger because of fear of when she was of school age. I was essentially holding her back. I have come to the realization that this was a wrong move and stupid on my part. I never pushed my child to learn the things she did when she was an infant/toddler.

So to answer your question Inky ... I would sign her up for another year. If she absolutely hates it and shows signs of distress because of it then definitely pull her out but you might just find that she is in a rut and will actually enjoy it once she is back in it.

Inky, I think there are options:

--you could find a different choir. Sometimes the director makes a huge difference. Sometimes a "service" choir like church feels different from a "leisure" choir like municipal children's choir.

--you could find a different venue for her musical education, like instrumental music at school or private instrument lessons. Some music stores offer a "sampler" where you can just go try out instruments and see how they feel and sound.

I'd probably be inclined to say "you need music in your life, let's look at the various ways to get it" and see if you can find a solution.

I'd also say that 8 is young; starting an instrument at 9 or 10 is OK if you and she decide you want a pause.

DeeDee

I guess that I am of a different school of thought. If she has tried it for a year and doesn't like it, why waste precious time? Forcing her to continue seems like a recipe for an unnecessary battle of wills. I can't imagine that she will end up liking music in this context. If you think that continuing with music is important, I would look for something different.

As DD takes piano and has tried many instruments (we go to concerts for Very Young and now Young People with the Philharmonic and part is trying the instruments) and I think choir and instruments are very different. And the way the brain does voice and instruments is very different (research on this) and doing string and other instruments is different. When they say your child is good in math, they may like piano is very real thing in correlation.

DD hates to practice. I gave her a week off the end of the summer, she went to the piano herself to play one of her pieces. Yet, when I suggest she do scales, she was off like a dragon fly. Technique, learning to read the music instead of memorizing (their brains can memorize so quickly) and playing it how the composer would like instead of how they would like is a pain and sometimes serious struggle. But the discipline is good. I tell her there are times to be silly and times when I want cooperation and piano is serious cooperation time. It is good for her to know and practice the difference, even as she just turns 6.

I tell DD that she will figure out what she wants to do when she is older. It is my job to expose her to things so she has options. I do not know if she will want to be a ballet dancer or an astronaut so if I don't give her options, she won't be able to have a full range of options. Including piano. I tell her she will be so happy with her good mommy who made her practice piano (and she laughs) and we have a good moment then back to scales....

It is hard. I remember a girl I met in college who loved ballet and had just started. Her parents couldn't give it to her and she spent hours practicing but it was too late to be serious about it. I have no idea what DD will want to pursue (though I can guess it won't be football or hockey as she is just too small for her age). And maybe she won't pursue anything hardcore, but it doesn't matter.

We took DD at 2.5, 3.5 and 4.5 to Disney World. We totally leveraged the magic factor and did the princess thing to the hilt. We meet people all the time who want to wait until the kid can remember it. I think this is so ridiculous. 90% of the kids in the Bibbi Bobbidi Boutique were 3-4 years old. Who wants to be a 10 year old sitting with them? Or going into Pixie Hollow to shrink with pixie dust to meet Fairies?

We leveraged the timeframe and now we do Europe, Central America, and next April Egypt. A taste of travel. She got a whole unit study in southern Europe, Roman times and the culture. She asked to go to Egypt. How much she remembers, we don't know. How much she will use of gymnastics, I don't know, but it is great for her health, bone density and just general physical activity. Will she use Mandarin, I don't know but it is great for her to learn a second language.

Pushy parent, sign me up.

Ren