Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advice for when "It's too hard!"

What do you all do when your child shuts down and complains, "It's too hard!"? I'm especially referring to times when you know the child is capable of doing whatever "it" is.

My daughter was doing something today. There were six problems involving drawing the second half of a symmetrical shape. She said each of them but one was "TOO HARD!" but managed all but one. Each time she got one, she giggled and was delighted. Then she'd complain about the next one again....

I feel that it's important to push my kids to think their way through something tough and not give up. I don't want to let them quit when something isn't immediately obvious, but it's hard to find strategies sometimes.

Advice on how others approach this challenge is welcome!

Val

This is all conjecture, but after observing my son and his friends, this is what I think:

I think that all children vent a bit when faced with work that feel hard. I think it reminds them of earlier times when they had to work so hard, perhaps at learning to speak or walk, but couldn't talk about it.

Of course, most children become familiar and then trusting of the process of seeing something that 'looks hard' when they are quite young, and the venting looks age appropriate.

But if the child is more than usually bright, then they have much less practice with hard-looking things, from school work, to parents tricks (Hey Honey, should we stop at M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D-S on the way home, I'm too tired to cook.) to the TV and radio.

I think that at some point, ND kids just sort of 'give up' the idea that they are going to understand everything, and they certianly know that they aren't going to understand everything right away.

So a gifted kid might act like a much younger child when facing an actual challenge, because they have had so little experience with challenges so far. They might sound like a much younger child because they are more intense, and express everything more intensely. They might act more frightened of challenge because they expect to be able to understand everything - right now!

So - when DD starts to whine and complain, pat yourself on the back. She is getting vital practice. You probably had something to do with that.

Depending on your parenting perspective it could be really great that she feels comfortable enough to vent about it to you, and just figure that it's part of her 'job-description'

or

you could focus on what she isn't doing wrong, as in: 'Look at you, you are bravely plugging away even though you feel like giving up! You are handling your strong feelings of self-doubt really well! Everyone has self-doubt, but it shows great character that you persisit anyway!'

To me, the fact that she giggled after she got them, shows that this is a 'venting' process, because the expressions of self doubt are followed by trying (with or without encouragement from you) and then the release of giggling. She is clearing away the misconception that she must get everything instantly with every proud giggle.

I've heard that if a problem is interesting enough to spend time on, then by definition, the answer can't be known in advance. Sounds to me like you are raising a child who will be ready to work on interesting problems when she grows up. Yippee!

Grinity

My DS does the same thing. I've noticed he says "it's too hard" when he's attemping something he's uncomfortable doing. For him drawing the other half of an object made him nervous because he thought there was a right and a wrong answer. I think that for my son the "it's too hard" statement is said when he's fearful of trying and failing. The other thing is that he very rarely comes up against a challenge and doesn't really know what to do with one!

For most things, I'll say "I think you probably know enough to do at least some of that. Why don't you take a stab at it, and if you get stuck, I'll help you out?"

Shoot, I thought this thread would give me some advice for when things are too hard for *me*!

I do try to avoid screaming and whining... although I feel like it at times...

Here's a few ideas:
Encourage the setting of small manageable goals and then celebrate victories - "How about when you get half way through we have a trampoline break?"

Note success - "today you stuck with it for five minutes without complaint - way to go!" "I remember last week you thought you'd never get them and you got every problem on the page."

Give specific strategies for coping with frustration - punch a pillow, throw a ball, stick a pin in your teacher voodoo doll (okay maybe that's not totally appropriate).

Take on a new challenge yourself (learn to crochet, play the fiddle, whatever). It will make you more empathetic and it is great way to model appropriate behavior.

Teach your child about negative self talk. When she's saying it is too hard is that encouraging herself? What other messages can she focus on? This book might help: http://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507 Not exactly on the same topic but I found this book helpful in understanding how to encourage positive thinking. http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Optim...mp;ie=UTF8&qid=1283297591&sr=1-1

There are all great ideas! Thanks!

Great Ideas!
Oh OH!
Remember 'Raising your Spirited Child?'

There are some kids who don't like starting, as a seperate issue. Keep your eyes open for the 'slow to warm up kid' as seperate from a challenge phobia.

Tks for the tips, PTP and Grinity.

I have me one of these kids too. Mine gets into a complete meltdown if he finds it too challenging or if he's tired. It's getting much better these days, but I'm also learning to recognize the signs in advance (coaching him on the same too), and redirecting his focus on something else. Sometimes, a little diversion before we settle in again can do wonders, and DS enjoys the thinking process a lot more when he's settled. I keep reminding myself that that's what I want - for him to enjoy the learning.

And I completely agree with PTP. This positive script thing is something we can give them so they can talk themselves through. I'll look up the 2 books, PTP.

Thanks for all the ideas. Everyone was very thoughtful and made me appreciate this board even more than I do anyway. I'll probably make a copy of this thread so I can save it for future reference.


Cathy A: I, too, have to resist the urge to stamp my feet. A few years ago, I had a big setback in a large project I was trying to get off the ground. I was pretty unhappy that day, and so I made myself a sticky Post-It that says DON'T GIVE UP! I stuck it on my wall, and it's been in the same spot ever since. I look at it whenever the foot-stamping urge arises, and it's been surprisingly effective at keeping me on track. Last year, my DD made another one that says "Do not give up, Mommy." She didn't understand what I'm doing (I'm a biologist), but she wanted to help.

Okay, this stuff gets a high score on the hokey scale, but whatever works, right?

Val