Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Should my 5 1/2 yo son attend funeral?

Hello all. I thank you for all of your valuable feedback on schooling issues in the past. My father passed earlier yesterday, and we will be planning his funeral. I have told my son, who in the past has had many questions about death, about his grandfather's death. He has since asked me many more questions. Does anyone think it would be a good idea for him to attend my father's funeral? My inclination is for him not to attend. Does anyone have any feedback?

Thanks in advance.

Dear Mama,

I'm so sorry for your father's death. Losing a parent is terribly difficult, no matter how old you are. My dad died five years ago, and I still miss him every day.

I think you know your child best, and whatever you think would be good will be so. I'll just tell you our experience, but not in any way to try to convince you; I really do think mother knows best on this one.

Harpo went to my mother-in-law's funeral when he was two, which was not a good experience for him at all (the dean came beetling over to him at the inurnment to show him in which drawer "Grandma would be residing," and to point out that there were many available nearby drawers for Frenchie and me and Harpo, too--I was very angry, and it took me a long time to get Harpo feeling right about things again).

Harpo and Groucho both went to my dad's funeral, at ages 4 and 2 respectively (well, Chico was there, too, but still in utero). The difference there was that I presided at the service, so I was in control of what was said, and if I do say so myself, it was a beautiful, personal service. That was a very positive experience for both of them, and they both felt more at peace with their Granddad's death than they had before the funeral. My sister did not bring my nieces, who are the same ages as my eldest two, and they were very bothered about his death for a long time, fussing a lot about him being cold or lonely, for instance. I don't know whether that was a function of personality or of not being at the funeral, though; also, my children are being raised in faith, while my sister's are not, so my dad's death undoubtedly felt more final to my nieces than to my sons.

My kids have since been to a few other funerals (one problem with having really old parents is that all the grandparents and aunts and uncles and so on are dying when the kids are still so young). They have not been bothered by any of the subsequent ones, but they were not specially close to any of the recently deceased relatives.

I don't know if this helps at all; do you have a pastor whom you could consult? Consult some folks, and trust your gut.

I'll be thinking of you.

peace be with you and yours--
minnie

ETA: I'd of course consult your husband and your mum, too, and maybe your siblings, if you have any--would your son have any little cousins there, too?

Thank you so much for your aympathy and advice. I'm sorry for your loss, as well. I appreciate your very sound advice.

Mama,
((Hugs))
It's so hard to 'parent' when one is mourning. Whatever decision you make will be fine - you know best your child, their temperment, and the relationships between all involved.

At 5.5 my son just didn't have the 'butt-power' to sit for that amount of time with major attention from a adult. This might be one of those times where you have to (try to) put yourself first.

Whatever you decide will be hard but fine -

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Sorry to hear about your father.

Both DC have attended funerals. I believe DS was 3 for his first. He did better than I thought he would (and it was a VERY long funeral). It's your decision, but I wouldn't let his age be the only thing keeping you from letting him attend.

Sorry to hear about your dad. Last year, when my son was almost 6, my dad passed away. We flew over to England for the funeral, and when he heard that some of the other grandkids were going to read a poem at the funeral, ds wanted to participate, too. He read the first 2 lines, and did great He was the youngest there (the next oldest was 12), and as we live so far away, he got alot of attention from family members and friends (some who had never met him). I think if you were to ask him, he would say he had fun at Grandad's funeral
He also attended a funeral a year before that (my uncle - we just happened to be in England at the "right" time) - and again,he did great.

I am sorry to hear of your loss and wish you and your family peace during this time.

I don't think there is a wrong or right answer. I think it depends on how sensitive the child is to emotions as well as how intense they may focus on death. If your gut is saying not to take him, that sounds like a good plan to me.

Take care!

I am so sorry for your loss.

My son attended his grandfather's funeral when he was 6. It was a pretty short service though and he is a particularly patient child. He was very sad by the end, and crying quite a bit. He wasn't harmed by it though and I'm confident we made the right decision in bringing him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You have my sympathy. It's very hard to lose a parent.

My daughter, now almost 6, has asked lots of questions about death in the past. We've tried to answer them as openly as possible and get across the idea that death is just another facet of life. If we were faced with a funeral we would probably bring her. In my husband's family, he didn't go to any funerals growing up and he felt that it made the death harder to come to terms with, because there seemed to be no reality to it; people just faded out. (Oh yeah, your grandma died a couple of weeks ago. You won't see her again. Thought you should know.)

That said, your DS may have different needs. You're in the best position to judge what his needs are.

Does your son want to go to the funeral?
Our kids have been to several funerals (mostly of elderly family friends since their grandparents are all still alive). I feel that it shows them that death is a normal part of life. The ritual can provide closure.
That said, we had a tragic, expected death in the extended family last year. The school counselor advised us to let the kids attend the funeral if they wanted to go. My DD9 wanted to go but DD7 did not. DD9 wanted to be with the family. DD7 said that she didn't think that she could handle everyone (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins) being so sad. She is highly empathetic and it would have been very difficult for her to watch others in pain. I think that each girl made the right decision.