Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 4 yo not listening - Am I worrying over nothing

Ok This is the only place I know where this question would make sense

My 4 yo is my oldest, and he has always had a problem with listening. It shows in a lot of ways, but one example is he will ask you a question and then ask the same question again while you are answering him. It is very frustrating! I have had his ears checked by the doctor multiple times, convinced there is something in there! (No sign of anything, btw). It does seem to be a little worse when he has a cold or something but it always there. I'm pretty sure it's not just hearing, because he hears things like a child crying across the other side of the mall, when DH and I had to strain to hear it. And I don't think it is behavioral because it seems to happen just as often with "come here and get some icecream" as with "please pack away your toys"

My question is: is this normal for a 4 yo, and I just think it's strange because of his advanced speech; or is this possibly a problem that he is able to mask because of compensatory skills? Any other things I should be looking for that might show if it's an issue or not?

Hmmm... could be perfectly normal but here's some food for thought. I went to a workshop on how children learn by a prominent occupational therapist. It was quite fantastic, especially learning about the different parts of the brain, etc.

Anyway.. one of the big points for the night was this - what gets our attention, maintains our attention and impedes our attention? The presenter went through a list of key inhibitors/promoters - but the major point was actually attracting attention - ie., that point in time where you get your child to stop what they're doing/thinking and actually get them attending to your communication. Sometimes this could just be eye contact; other times you have to ask the child whether they're ready to be attentive. Is your child attentive to you while you're talking? Or have you interrupted an internal conversation going on in their head? Does this give you any ideas? jojo

Yes, sometimes I think it is an attention thing. He is a child who notices everything, hence the child crying thing. But other times, he is looking straight at you, and he asked the question, so... ... but that doesn't mean I'm not interrupting some internal flow of thought. I'll have to watch for signs of that.

Geomamma listening is a big issue for our 4 year old son as well. DS's preschool teacher recently asked if he had a hearing problem because sometimes they have to ask a question several times before he actually engages - I thought is that all! His hearing has been checked out several times because of early middle ear infections including once by a specialist who on hearing him talk said he'd be very surprised if there were hearing problems - advanced speech for age usually indicates no hearing issues.

As an aside either Gross or Ruf state that a significant number, I think it was 80%, of gifted kids they researched reported as having repeated middle ear infections. They weren't saying it was causal - just of note.

I think jojo hit the nail on the head with is being an attention issue - so much going on in his head competing for attention. One solution we've found is a touch on the shoulder when we want to talk to him gets his attention. I also use a countdown from or up to 10 which for some reason acts as a circut breaker for whatever he's thinking about. Distraction after he's asked the question may also be an issue - my DS can certainly be distracted very quickly.

Geomamma, DS7 used to do this a lot and still does. It used to irk me so much too. And like you, I sent him to the doctor (ear specialist) who pronounced him normal. When asked specifically by the doctor, he said that when he asks a question, he's also busy thinking up what the answer could be, and the voice in his own head is very loud (not a real voice, but a "loud thought"). He can hear me speak but it doesn't register and it stays in the background, especially when he's following a reasoning. He sometimes does a double take and repeats out loud what I say to him verbatim, as if to digest the information I've given him.

If it helps, it does happen less often as he got older, but it still happens frequently enough for his teachers to comment.

This sounds exactly like my son. We were asked by his preschool teachers, his pediatrician and his OT to have his hearing checked. Everything was always fine and we had no history of ear infections. We even took him to a neurologist because there is a family history of epilepsy (absence seizures) which causes "spacing out" episodes that can last from 2 seconds to several minutes. Again, nothing was wrong.

It can be maddening! I never thought of myself as a yeller but sometimes after many attempts to get him to focus I would resort to yelling and he would eventually look over at me and say "did you say something?". If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be funny.

A couple of things we did that helped. One is we got assurances from his psychologist that he has so much going on in his head he just doesn't listen very well, but she said he did not display ADHD. He is an extremely visual kid and while his language is very advanced he does not learn nearly as well when listening as opposed to seeing.

Second thing we did was The Listening Program. This was introduced to us and recommended to us by our DS's OT. It's a cd set that has specially recorded music and sounds that you listen to for 15 minutes a day. I think the web site is www.advancedbrain.com. You have to get it through a licensed professional. I often questioned if it actually helped him but he clearly needed some help and I had to do something.

The last thing is time. As he gets older it will get better. DS is now almost six and while not yet a great listener he is getting better. One thing you can do to try to get his attention is have this little back and forth so he knows you are about to say something important:

You: One, two, three, eyes on me.

Him: One two, eyes on you.

Then you say what you need to say. I often will use this when we are out and I need to tell him something important like a safety issue or rules or whatever. Hope this helped.

Sounds like a great presentation and makes a lot of sense.

Geo: My DD (4 in August) does this to me all the time and yes it is frustrating but I always assume that I haven't gotten her full attention. She is always thinking; even when she asks me a question I can just see the little wheels still churning. My way of handling it is she asks the question: I answer the question. She will ask the same question again and yes usually when I'm in the middle of answering it, so I answer it one more time. But if she asks it AGAIN and she will this is when I redirect her with something like "DD, mommy just answered you twice. What was the answer?" 95% of time she knows the answer I gave her and is just in a strange pattern. But when she answers her own question she moves on.

Thank you everyone I feel a lot better now. It is frustrating, but it is more that I was worried.

Thanks!