Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 'too much for other people to take'

Do you still feel, sometimes or all the time, like you are 'too much for other people to take?'

I know that I look 'super-outgoing' to most people, but I work really hard in most social situations not to blow people away. It's kind of sobering that me with my shields up past 100% still comes across as so intense.

I wondered if this is one of my unique quirks as a 'super-extrovert' or part of the bigger picture of how we gifties generally walk through the world.

I'd love to hear if folks used to feel this way, what changed, or if folks feel this way in some certian circumstances but not other, then which circumstances matter.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I'm a shy extrovert... yes, that's right. So I come across as snotty sometimes. And I'm so not. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I am super self-conscious, so I have to force myself to feel comfortable doing what my brain says go for. I am VERY loud though, so it's probably best that I don't force too much!!! hhahaha.

Although I'm actually extremely introverted, most people remark on "how outgoing I am". Like you, I have to force myself to be extroverted or I'd end up being ridiculed...but at school, I am, as my best friend said, "very quiet but funny", or "We're like Yoda". So yeah, I do come across as either very extroverted or very introverted.

Hmm... I'm an outgoing introvert? (That took a while to happen, though... I was a total wallflower growing up.) What amuses me about myself is that I have a high interpersonal "IQ" and am particularly good (for the amount of experience I have) at helping others navigating political situations. But knowledge and skills don't always match, so I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth -- and knowing it the moment I do.

Oh my, yes. I'm very intense. I also try very hard to keep the shields up. Problem is, I think, they don't block all the types of energy that I emit...there are times when I think I get a bit too intense even for this board.


For me, I think it's both.

I find I'm better in purely social situations. Over the years, I've learned how to function pretty well at parties or at the park with other parents, or wherever. My intensity becomes an issue for me when I'm at work and/or when I have an idea for something.

Perhaps I should get my kids tested. If one or more of them qualifies as a DYS, we could create a breakaway group for Intense Parents at the annual picnic. It would be interesting to see how things would go if we all felt free to be our versions of normal. Phew.

Val

I am a social introvert.

I train adults for a living. I really enjoy training them, and find myself very energetic and enthusiastic when in front of them. But, I also feel like I am "on" constantly. To recharge, I tend to read or bake. So, I am introverted...but if you get me talking I am definitely very animated and likely to speak from the heart.

I didn't know before that I was intense. People told me but I didn't know what they meant. I had no idea I was "different" that way.

Then I met some gifted people and finally realized what those other people meant when they said I was intense. So, now I really reel it in and keep a lid on it. Sometimes it is hard when I'm excited/upset about something.

I must've blown people away before I knew this about myself. They couldn't help me because they had no idea why I was like this, of course. They could only tell me that I was intense. But I couldn't see it myself what the difference was. (And really, why aren't other people more intense about stuff, didn't they care? etc etc)

It makes me really sad that I've spent more than half my life oblivious to who I was as a person and just getting weird looks and not knowing why. What was wrong with me? But apparently this is all normal for those on the 'bright' end of things. (This is the only place in the world I would say this. Heheh)

And so, to answer your question, yes, I would be too much for other people to take if I didn't keep a lid on it.

Totally right there with you!! This thread really reminds me of how intense I can be. Extroverted squared, I guess. When I was a kid, I had a really hard time turning it off- was always overly enthusiastic, my facial expression and verbal intonation are very vibrant. When in a group of people I know, I feel a real BUZZ going through my system and according to my DH, I light up light a Christmas tree.
Sometimes that can be great for work- networking/schmoozing/socializing I do well. Sometimes not so good, if I am having a professional discussion I feel excited about- interesting neurological sequellae of a stroke or something that grabs my focus, I sometimes come across as overeager and ditzy, I think. I once had a radiologist tell me I shouldn't smile so much, that people will think I'm dense.

I had a dream trio of friends in FL, (I moved away, sob), and they were so entertained and charmed by my lively nature. I have yet to find their equivalents up here. I really reel myself in now in most social situations. totally frustrating, but I think I am waaay too intense and others would think I'm a spaz.

I am intense pretty much all the time. I read Buddhist books to try and take the edge off (for myself and others). It's only in the past couple of years that I've become aware of my intensity. The books help take it down a notch. I tend to spend time with people that can handle it. Ironically, I find that other intense people make me feel crazy in large doses. Despite this, I truly love intense people. Really calm people scare me. Honestly!!!

My DD is even more intense. We homeschool and, if anyone could overheard a typical day they would definitely tell me to put her back in school:)

Thanks to everyone for sharing the stories - they really trigger so many memories for me.

At one job, a boss asked me, very politely I guess, would I please try to greet him less enthusiastically. I had to clown around at acting mopey when I saw him. Not sure if that did the trick.

And yes, I do have a reputation for being ditzy - females who smile alot can get that I think, no matter what the job title says.

Years ago, in my mid 20s, I planned a training session. I jam-packed it full of what I considered to be interesting and helpful stuff, trying to take care of my audience. Another woman on the planning committee shared that she thought that I totally overwhelmed everyone, and didn't I realize that people need time to process new information? The day did have a bit of a 'forced march' flavor. Actually I didn't realize. In retrospect I probably was 'treating people the way you'd like to be treated.' LOL@me!

((hugs)) to all of us!

This thread is so interesting.

I think extroverted and intense are different things -- and that there are different types of intensity. I know some very quiet intense people... like, people who can sit at a computer screen, hardly moving (except those lightning-fast fingers), but you can practically see their brain humming. And, my default is something akin to mellow, but I can get intense pretty quickly (sometimes 'hot headed' would be the better word...) and then back again.

I find that my "intensity" has mellowed over the years. When I was younger, I had an annoying obsession with correcting other people and did not suffer what I perceived to be "fools" lightly. During my first career, I was surrounded by other bright people -- I would even say "competitively smart" people. Eventually, I looked around that none of the people who were ahead of me in that particular rat-race had lives that I wanted for myself. I said good-bye to that life (major existential meltdown at 30) and much of the behavior that went with it many years ago now.

I find that having kids and dealing with school has necessitated another major readjustment. I need to work with a much broader spectrum of people. I respect that other people's kids do not have the same experiences and needs as my kids. I don't think that the whole school needs to revolve around the gifted program. At the same time, I don't hide who I am. If I have a strong opinion, I voice it and usually can bring others around to my way of thinking. I know that some people at school are intimidated by the fact that I am open about my own giftedness -- still don't understand why this is such a big deal, you'd swear I was admitting to some horrible disease. Sometimes I do feel isolated and that other people don't get me. At the same time, I just don't want to waste my time pretending to be something I am not.

BTW, I also get accused of being an intellectual in my book club (even though I tend to be the one who recommends things that are smart-ass and satirical, instead of DEEP).

Grinity, I think this is more about your "Tiggerlike" personality and less about your giftedness. You are a very vivacious and bouncy individual. For the Piglets, Rabbits, and Eeyores of the world, Tigger may at times seem "too much". But your bouncing is part of your charm, and those of us who know you appreciate you for being you!

Perhaps you need to tone it down in certain situations, but don't try to paint over those stripes!

your friend,

Lorel

Thanks Lorel - which reminds me of one of my ideas for a Tee Shirt

"When you hear hoofbeats - Think Zebras!"

I was just reflecting on this thread. I spend a bit of time nowadays to learn to keep my mouth shut and seriously refrain from saying to my own child ... "you're so intense, you're so.... " etc etc, as I know that doesn't help anyone at all.

I remember getting that a lot as a child. It felt that whenever I said something, I said in a "too much" way and often regretted speaking out. I spent lots of time pretending that I didn't exist when I was kid. So this really hits close to home.

I love it! DD has been going to OT recently where they talk about "How Your Engine Runs." The OT keeps referring to it in terms of Winnie the Pooh characters. DD has updated the program so that is all about Warrior Cats.

I still remember my mother telling me that I felt things too deeply. I hope my daughter knows she is entitled to her deep feelings.

Yes, I am very intense, though very self-conscious in certain social situations and definitely introverted. I have learned over the years to tone it down when I'm teaching or presenting, as I tend to overwhelm people when I share my knowledge (and enthusiasm for mathematics and science). Hearing my daily schedule can exhaust people...

Still, my family and some close friends are the only ones who see the full extent of my intensity most of the time, as my shield is up most of the time, as well.

Another intense introvert here. People don't seem to understand people who have an intense drive to learn everything there is to know about a subject, or who have broad knowledge of many subjects. And our excitement to share information is quite often interpreted as being 'know-it-alls'.

I'm another intense introvert. My biggest problem is fitting in at work. I always seem to care too much. I take deadlines and ethical issues seriously. I worry about looming problems, logistical details and budget shortfalls that don't seem to be on anyone else's radar. I'd rather look for solutions to problems than sweep them under the rug. It's important to me that I do quality work. You'd think those would be good qualities in an employee, but my boss thinks I'm a total drag. I think I've come to represent all the things she doesn't want to think about or deal with. She's happiest when I'm simply warming my chair and doing just enough to get by. In order to fit in, I have to keep reminding myself that most people, my boss and coworkers included, are most comfortable with mediocrity. Aiming for anything more than that seems to threaten them and put them on the defensive. Sometimes, just to get through the day when I'm stressed out over something that no one else seems to care about, I actually repeat the words "I don't care," until I finally start to believe it. It's isolating to say the least.

In my house it was 'You're OverSensitive!' - in the form of an accusation. Strange how close that is to 'OverExcitable.' But my cousins lately have been telling me that they wish that instead of a sympathetic mom like they had, they had had bossy Mom like I had because as adults they let themselves off the hook too easily. In daily life I have found that I can put up with some pretty challenging situations.

I'm actually giggling when I think of the layers and layers of 'outward directed perfectionism' that get bounced between the generations in my extended family. I want so badly to get it right for my son - and yet - getting out from under perfectionism is no easy task!

((Hugs)) to Jesse, Chrys, LilMIck, OHGrand, and Ms. Friz
Grinity

I'm not that intense (to my knowledge) in social situations, unless I get on to a discussion topic that's really important to me - and then I do tend to drive all but my fellow die-hards away from the conversation! But I'm VERY intense as a student and as a teacher. And that shows up in a lot of ways as a teacher: I have a lot of passion for new ideas and following them through, I'm very high-energy when I'm presenting something, the relationships I have with my students are very important to me, and my beliefs about teaching - many of which are somewhat unorthodox - I hold onto and put into practice no matter what anyone says. My kids love me for it, of course. I think they enjoy seeing an adult who's "always on" and has the capacity to be a bit silly and hyper, because it makes them feel like it's okay for them to feel that way - and yet at the same time, they understand that the care and respect I have for them is genuine, and they see my drive and commitment and I think it models something really good for them. Other teachers tend to look at me with raised eyebrows. Administrators...well, let's not talk about how they react!

In my house it was, "You need to learn to get along!"

I didn't figure out what that meant for something like two decades. Now, when my kids have the same kinds of problems I had, I try to learn from the vagueness and be explicit about why others get wound up. Then I make suggestions for how the situation can be remedied.

Did I mention that DH and I have three intense children?

Val

This is great to read. I was always told to Mellow Out, your too intense etc. My husband is my first partner who does not complain so I wondered if he found me intense so I asked him today. He said yes but somehow it does not bother him. He is very smart and in my book I imagine he is HG if not PG. He is a PhD scientist with a lot of publications etc. His intensity is more like a laser light when it comes through. He also is much more mellow than me physically. I am like tons of energy vibrating and he just coasts along. I am so grateful for his acceptance of me and I don't feel so intense because its not meeting a constant wall of rejection. My oldest DD is full of energy and I have to try really hard not to tell her to mellow out or be more quiet etc. I do work with her to try and take a breath and find center. We both need exercise to be mellower. Great thread thanks! I guess I should add a disclaimer that I don't know if I am gifted. My husband thinks so but I guess he might have to say that.....lol

Oh, this is SO me!!!

Oh, wow. My grandfather always told me that I was too sensitive, as I cried over every little thing. I was also told by teachers that "I couldn't control my emotions", which I could, but it was hard because every little feeling could flow out of my body. Now that I'm here on this forum, I now know other people who are as intense and sensitive as I am!

I am now currently reading, "Raising the Intense Child" on the internet. If I get the book, I'll show it to my family members and tell them how to raise me! People will understand, then!

In my house, it was "You're too intense. What is wrong with you?"

It is SO GREAT to hear from all of you. THANK YOU ALL. (For emphasis, not loudness.)




LOL! I feel that way, ... "here's how to raise me" Send them to this forum and SENG.

I can super intense but I am also very curious. I ask questions because I am truly interested in what people do, the companies, how, when, where. I had a friend who said to me "why is it that people tell you their biggest secrets?" I tend to probe well I guess. Which sort of was part of my job on Wall Street. But as I get going, I know I am like a fisherman with a fish on the hook and I am intense. And then I like to figure out how things work, how it could be done better, as I listen.

I do remember as a kid I wanted to be out the back door looking for someone to play with all the time. And DD prefers playmates to playing alone.

I think I have become an introvert with age. But I was at every party for a few decades.

Ren

I have so much to say about this! Yes, mainly about history/social justice issues, etc.! This is me (from SENG):

"INTELLECTUAL OVEREXCITABILITTY
Intellectual OE is demonstrated by a marked need to seek understanding and truth, to gain knowledge, and to analyze and synthesize (Dabrowski & Piechowski, 1977; Piechowski, 1979, 1991). Those high in Intellectual OE have incredibly active minds. They are intensely curious, often avid readers, and usually keen observers. They are able to concentrate, engage in prolonged intellectual effort, and are tenacious in problem solving when they choose. Other characteristics may include relishing elaborate planning and having remarkably detailed visual recall. People with Intellectual OE frequently love theory, thinking about thinking, and moral thinking. This focus on moral thinking often translates into strong concerns about moral and ethical issues-fairness on the playground, lack of respect for children, or being concerned about "adult" issues such as the homeless, AIDS, or war. Intellectually overexcitable people are also quite independent of thought and sometimes appear critical of and impatient with others who cannot sustain their intellectual pace. Or they may be become so excited about an idea that they interrupt at inappropriate times."

Last summer I was obsessed with the situation in Iran and it was intensely frustrating that my husband didn't want to come home after a 12 hour day and discuss it with me. He is also gifted (I am guessing MG) and also intense (and German!)...just not about any of the same things or in the same way...which makes life interesting!

Also was constantly told by my (well-intentioned) mom not to read books that made me cry and not to feel things so deeply.

Ruined a dinner out with my favorite cousin and his wife b/c I just.would.not let go of the topic of forced sterilization. We laugh about it now and I try very hard to not be such a PIA.

I do also remember having a very spirited debate with my 3rd grade teacher about the equal rights ammendment and being furious that she was patronizing.

Glad to know I am not alone!

Wow ... this is me! It always freaks my DH out that he can work with someone for over a year and when I meet them, I will have uncovered things about them he never knew in just a matter of 10 minutes. Even when I was in school and had long art classes I passed the time discovering secrets about professors. They were always shocked with how much I could uncover about them with my questions. One of my professors passed away last year and I will never forget the summer I had his class and the life story I discovered. He lived such an interesting life and definitely not one on the typical path, but also not one that he openly shared either. I just had this ability to make him feel at ease as I probed.

I get this reaction from others as well. What strikes me as 'oddest' is when I listen to people and then reflect back to them what they have just said, and they stare at me as if I have magic powers - "How did you know my deepest darkest feelings? Yes, that's exactly the way I feel?"

And I think (but don't say) - well, you just told me 5 minutes ago...

Apparently most people can't decide to receive what another person says if it differs from what they believe. And most people don't keep track of what they've said. (I'm sure I don't!) I think my giftedness comes into play where I can put together what I hear with what I already know about the world and ask perceptive questions.

Smiles,
Grinity

Reviving this thread - which I read with interest a while ago but didn't contribute to - because I am running into some problems in my social circle. I am intense and I don't mean to be. Heck, I even am when I'm trying very hard not to be. It keeps getting me in trouble. I'm coping a lot of passive-aggressive stuff from a few people and I don't live in a place big enough to offend people in the home school circles!

Anyway, I'm not really sure if it's the intensity, or if I'm just rude somehow. I suspect the intensity because I really have tried!

I am not sure how to tone it down any more, and also not sure if I really should. I'm not talking about being rude, I just mean that I am reaching my mid-30's and I'm getting tired of pretending to be something I'm not. Why should I pretend I don't care about things that I do? Why should I pretend not to know anything about something when I do?

Wasn't this supposed to get easier when I left school?

How do you cope with the social impacts of intensity?

I wasn't on this forum back when this thread was active, but count me as another intense introvert. D is the same. I think we are a lot like our kids -- we need social outlets and forums with other gifties as much as they do so we can be ourselves!! Has anyone here tried Mensa? Is intensity noticable and/or welcomed there?

I also wanted to add that I worry about the example I set by pretending, to my children. What does it say about their intensity if I am always 'hiding' mine?

And this:


I so get this. (Just my job atm is home educating my children.) (And yes, I do have other outlets.) I have the same problem there. Going to class is painful when the other students just want to know what they need to pass the test, and I am actually interested in the field.

Okay, I've vented enough now.