Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy appropriate playdates

(The helocopter mom thread inspired this. I didn't want to hijack her thread.)

I was wondering about how other Mom's control/monitor playdates? How do you get comfortable your kids are safe without feeling so overbearing?

I think of myself as a protective Mom and not every potential playdate would be ok with me. This becomes very uncomfortable because I feel so far from the norm.

I tell anyone who invites my kids that at least the first time my kids go somewhere I go too. If I feel comfortable they can go again with out me. I say no TV or computer please. Wii sports is ok. I suggest they limit the time to an hour because DS can get too intense.

I don't let my kids play at most neighbor house inside because I have seen 6 boys in play basement unsupervised being mean and hitting each other.

One time we went to a boys house for a visit with me and he had a teen bother with a 22 riffle in reach in the garage. The Mom said oh that should be up, oh I give up. Well DS will not be going back there.

I could keep going because I've seen so many potentially scary things parents allow because they don't seem to be supervising. My kids go outside with out me but I frequently check on them. I know what they are doing and who with.

My DD8 takes a while to adjust to new situations. She usually requires me to stay a few times before she is comfortable being left alone anywhere. This gives me plenty time to scope out the scene, plus it is nice to chat with other parents.

I ask that DD stays in the yard of the parents who are hosting the playdate and to be called if they are going out somewhere. I don't regulate the playdate activities, She can eat, listen, do, or watch whatever her friend is doing.

I understand the need to be cautious. At the same time, I also think that my kids need to learn independence and skills related to making good judgements.

If I don't know people well, I suggest that we meet at a park for a playdate. I figure they don't know me any better than I know them yet, so everyone seems to be happy. But I rarely get involved when my eight- and ten-year olds are playing with their friends. I keep a closer eye on my five-year-old, but I still don't hover.

To me, it seems a bit of a strong reaction to bar your kids from playing in someone else's house because they were wild on one occasion. Many boys can get very physical; it's who they are.

Regarding the rifle, I'm completely with you on that one. Yikes.

Val

Wow - me too. I feel lucky that none of the houses my kids visit have guns and I don't have that piece to think about.

Once I am comfortable with a family, I cut my kids loose to interact and play as they choose and to follow other families rules. Like we don't have toy guns here. But I know some of my sons friends have nerf guns they use, and I'm fine with that. We use a timer for any computer, video game time. If another family doesn't, that's fine too. I used to be a little harder on this when DS was younger, but at 9, if they are playing together and the other parent is fine with it, I'm ok with it.

My son's closest friends (2 close in age sibs) and very close neighbors (across the street), have a mom that has a very hard time cutting loose on some things. She really wants to intervene when the kids are arguing or disagreeing. And I feel pretty strongly that as long as they are not being wildly disrespectful or mean, I want them to hash these things out. These are also quite GT kids (especially one of them), and they are all very opinionated. I think it's a good skill for them to learn to compromise and work together. I'm fine if a play date gets cut short because they get too frustrated. They are all such great friends, that it would be fine the next day. Having my kids at home constantly has increased my tolerance for this. I find myself intervening less having them around more. I regularly have conversations about respect and team work. I just like using natural consequences for social interactions.

I just broke off a standing weekly playdate with a family across the street because I couldn't take the hovering. We've been meeting to let our sons (5 & 6) play for a year and a half now, and that family STILL won't let the boys play in a room by themselves or go beyond earshot if we're outside. They intervene in the boys' play constantly, shutting down any form of "violent" play, which by their definition includes make-believe games like cops and robbers and pirates. They also try to organize the boys' play, giving them ideas and setting the rules for games. In my mind, the whole point of a playdate is for my son to play with someone BESIDES me, and to learn, without being told by an adult, how to socialize with kids his age.

I also resent having to "play" by the other family's rules (my favorite: don't run in the park, you might fall down!). I'll abide by their rules at their house and ask my son to do the same (after all, it's good for him to see that other families do things differently), but frankly, I feel like my rules should apply at my house. With this family, I was walking on eggshells in my own home, because I was constantly fearful my son would say or do something that was ok with me but not with the neighbors (like build a LEGO spaceship that shoots imaginary lasers, heaven forbid). The playdates had become so stressful and exhausting for me and so confusing for my son that I finally called things off. It's a shame, because when the boys were allowed 5 minutes without interruptions and corrections from adults, they played very well together.

I agree on the gun issue although we do have a bb gun, bow and arrow and such here - but always locked up and only used with an adult.

My children are to follow whatever rules/guidelines are in effect in their friends homes - whether this means they do things I don't ordinarily allow or are unable to do things I do allow.

I personally feel like most of the parents around here are real helicopter parents and that the kids are not allowed to negotiate or work things out on their own. Any kind of conflict brings parents rushing in telling their children what to say and how to resolve it. Are they planning on going to college with them too?

When DD plays at others' houses, she follows their house rules. Same goes here. We are very lucky that her two best friends have parents that have similar rules as we do. There have been no issues. The kids get along great and can resolve their issues on their own. I step in occasionally to remind DD about her tone of voice (she can be incredibly bossy at times so I pull her aside and remind her to be polite), but it is only after I can't stand listening to it any longer. I used to have to do it a lot when she was younger. I guess this is as 'helicoptery' as I get!

She is well versed in what we consider safe behaviour and has brought herself home on a couple of occasions because kids were not behaving or she felt uncomfortable.

If she was going to have a playdate with a new friend, I would have to meet the parents first and at least see their house before I would be comfortable. After that, I let her go.

I used to arrange playdates for 2 reasons - 1. for me to catch up with my friends, so DS would play with their children, and 2. for the friends he chooses. #1 has been tough - he dislikes/is indifferent to all my friends' kids, without exception. So these days, I keep it separate. He only has one friend. For this friend, my son is a charming, sporting guy who takes charge in a fair way ("sure you can play it twice. I'll play it twice too but you go ahead first.") so there are no problems whatsoever. It's part of our culture for the mum to show up in tow with the kid for a playdate, and no-one I know supervises how the kids play unless there are tears and screams.

The social problems we have now revolve around kids he goes to enrichment classes with. My son is really small physically, and perhaps because of his sensory issues, really hates being pushed around or even touched. I know that he can be annoying to other kids (he needs to ask a lot of questions, so he does stick out). Possibly too, other children sense this, so they try to push him around or physically carry him, usually after class (and we don't stay on for more than 5 mins - it's just to be social and polite to the other mums). He hates that! I get called in a lot (he screams for me) to mediate. Like you, onthegomom, I feel very uncomfortable about this. I really wish he can take care of himself but he can't. I'm hoping this issue goes away as gets older (and bigger). Some of the other mums are well aware and I'm so grateful when they rein their own kids in.

I wonder if where you live has anything to do with the differing levels of "helicoptering"? Up until a year ago, we lived in a nice, friendly-feeling city. My kids played outside with neighbor kids, played at the park with new friends, and went for play dates at friend's houses. I was around, but I let the kids navigate most situations for themselves.

For the last year, we have lived in a not-so-nice area--and my kids are only allowed to play in the street with neighbor kids, and I check on them all the time. Why? Well, for starters, the kids yell, scream, and cuss at each other all the time. They also play games where they quote movies like Scarface and pretend to shoot each other in the head (we are talking 6 to 9 year olds here). None of these things work for me. One little boy is very friendly and invites my kids to his house, but I never let him go. Why? Because, without sharing their particulars, his parents are extraordinarily shady.

So I submit that, sometimes, being a helicopter parent is just good sense--and that it is a lot easier to let your kids out into the world when your particular world feels like a relatively safe place to explore.

I don't think you are off topic.

We live in a safe, nice area but a neighbor girl told me her Dad has a gun in the house. I have never approached the parents about this as they might be offended. Another teenage boy has a riffle that he does target practice in the back yard.

I would not be offended if someone asked me if I had a gun but there are different mindsets about such things. What scares me is that toy guns look very similiar to run guns. HOw would a child know the difference? I just can't spare a child so I'm careful with them.

Maybe we should all be asking the parents if they have guns.