Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion 13 yr old in love?

Hi, I'm new here--I wanted to get some opinions on my daughter's situation. She is a gifted kid, and started "going out" with a gifted boy her age in April (both 12 at the time). Since this was middle school and first boyfriend, I didn't take it too seriously, but I'm starting to realize they are not acting like "middle schoolers"--but more like high school kids dating (I seriously think they might love each other--not puppy love--the relationship seems pretty mature). Has anyone else had experience with gifted kids and early emotional attachments? I can't find much on this on the internet. Thoughts?

Did you see this article? Asynchronous development strikes again.
http://talentdevelop.com/articles/sexhighlygftd.html
P.S. As someone grade skipped and married her high school sweetheart, I'm glad you're not just dismissing the relationship as puppy love.

I did see that article--and I thought it was really eye-opening (in fact, I read it yesterday when I was looking for info on this subject--I haven't found much else though). It was that article that got me thinking that being gifted might have something to do with how this relationship is developing for these two. It hadn't occured to me before that gifted kids might be advanced in their emotional relationships as well. (I don't know why it didn't occur to me--a parental blind spot?)
Thanks for your feedback!

Yeah, I married someone I fell in love with at that age too. He is my best friend. Finding someone I could relate to, that I didn't have to hold back all the time with, was fantastic. Giftedness absolutely has something to do with it!!!

Heh, I hadn't thought about this through the gifted lens, but I went to an early college, and I had several relationships where I was 15 and 16 where we seriously contemplated marriage. (Couldn't have been that serious if it was "several" relationships, right? But looking back, it does seem odd that my 15-16 year old BOYfriends would be talking marriage? We just felt SO intensely at the time, even if things flamed out.) There was a lot of serious dating going on in that school in general. I got married when I was 18, and -- though it felt incredibly strange societally -- I felt like I'd seen enough of the dating scene to know what I wanted. (PS -- Still happily married 11.5 years later) On the other hand, several of my classmates from that college are still not married (of the handful I still keep in touch with), so who knows how things will play out.

Umm... no advice as to the 12/13 year old thing, though. Those three years make a big difference. (Though, looking back, again, giftedness what the issue there -- all my relationships where with fellow CTYers -- and, thus due to time constraints and the subsequent distances -- just couldn't have gotten serious even if we were so inclined.)

Don't know if this was remotely helpful to you, but it made me realize some things about myself...

Thanks for your insight! It is helpful to hear from those who have been there. I will keep an eye on them to make sure things don't get too serious in a physical way (they are still kids after all But I feel better realizing this emotional attachment isn't just strange, but perhaps very normal for two gifted kids.

That seems reasonable. Thinking about it, it makes sense that kids who are so intense in other areas of their life would be intense in the one thing that it's normal to feel intense about -- even if they're doing it a bit early.

And keep us posted. A lot of us have young'uns and would appreciate your insights as this progresses. No doubt our memories of our tween/teen years will be very different than our perspectives as parents!

I've always had an interest in this subject and you are right, there is very little written.
also ( but scary )

Anyway, as far as I can tell from introspection, at 13 I was more ready for mature friendships than many people ever get at any age. When my son was born, I suddenly realized why so many of my friends and boyfriends had felt smothered - I was even ready for that level of caring very very early. Sure, I've learned many many lessons since age 13, but the spirit of loving someone enough to want what is best for them more than you want what pleases you was in place by age 13.

I would say that I'm working hard so that my son, now 13, doesn't go down the road I went down. I've done this in 3 ways.
1) tried to make sure he is always in school situations where he gets to pour as much intensity as possible into academics.
2) tried to make sure that he has lots of opportunities to be around other gifted kids that he can potentially be friends with, so that he doesn't latch on to a romantic relationship as a 'one and only life raft.' CTY camp was helpful in this regard.
3) tried to encourage friendships with a wide variety of people and take his friendship completely seriously, using teachable moments to build a foundation for when he gets to 'romantic' friendships.

My observation is that lots of the skills and habits people use in romantic friendships are build up during childhood friendships. My son certainly has had childhood playmates who tried practically every maneuver that I remember observing from my dating days. Lets face it, lots of Middle School (and sadly beyond) dating has as much to do with trying on social power as it does with affection.
I also got a kick out of South Park's Episode 610

because it so matched my experience. During 4-6 grade I was shunned, but in 7th grade my body changed and suddenly many peers were tremendously interested in everything I had to say. I didn't really understand it at the time, but was quite relieved. No wonder I used being 'interested in boys' as a way to provide enrichment to my middle and high school years.

My bet is that your DD has relied on you to be 'more than a mom' for many years. When agemates are not developmentally able to be true friends, our kids turn to us to fill some of those needs. Take advantage of that now by staying close, praising every drop of maturity you see in her, and giving the best advice your 'mom-gut' can figure out. Don't be afraid to give advice that your neighbors would never give if it truly comes from your heart.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Although I am not interested in boys as boyfriends, I do suffer (or benifit from) extreme emotional attatchments. For example, when a neighbor lived near me that I expected to live long died, I cried. Also, when my aunt's dog Lulu died, I cried for two hours. And then there was the time in second grade when my best friend moved to Ohio and I cried so long that there was a puddle in the basement...so yes, I do suffer emotional attatchments. It is quite common for gifted children.

Excellent points--your comment on giving the best advice my "mom-gut" can come up with really hit home because I do find myself saying things I know other people would disagree with (like my own mother )but that feel right for my DD. I told her recently that her dad and I realized that because she and her BF were both gifted, that the feelings they feel for each other may be more intense than what was typical of her friends in their relationships, and her face lit up and she turned to me and said "Thank you" in such a sincere voice--I could tell it meant a lot to her.

Also--loved the music clip