Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Social Issues, friends, etc.

The week with my daughter in Dallas was supposed to be a vacation for my son and me, but it felt more like a family intervention for my helicopter momism. Before I left, my husband taped a Zits comic strip about a helicopter mom on my son's computer.

Some of the highlights of the intervention were when my daughter pointed out at the hair salon where she had arranged for our haircuts that I often tried to eavesdrop on my son's conversations. She noticed that while he was busy chatting with the cute 20-year-old girl that was cutting his hair, I was obviously trying to hear what he was saying. Busted, caught in the act, okay I admit it, but I love listening to him talk and it is hard to let go.

My daughter told me that I have no social skills. She pointed out that when she introduced me to a friend that I was polite but didn't say much, while her little brother made witty little comments that are so easy for him, especially when cute older girls are around.

Since she is really good in sales and training and things that require good social skills she says she notices that her little brother has some of these same skills and she thinks with these skills and his ability to learn technical skills quickly that he should try to get a part time job at a cell phone store or computer store while going through school because she thinks the experience using these skills will really help him in life. I had told her I didn't want him to work while he went through school because of his endurance issues. But he is only 12. I don't have to worry about that for a while.

There was more, but I have to go.

and now for the rest of the story...

Even though he has better social skills than I do, even though he can talk to people of all ages because he seems to know a little bit about everything, even though he makes witty comments and all that there is still that one big problem--the lack of common interests, not just with age mates but with most of the people in our small football loving rural community that voted down a library more than once but has a very nice football field. Even worse, he does not fit in our family. It is difficult for him at things like the recent going away party for his star high school football player cousin. Everyone in the family went to the football games. Only two older family members go to my son's musical theater shows. My son is an outsider in his own family. He feels invisible to them. He feels ignored. I feel so very sad for him but that is just the way it is here. I have trouble making conversation with them also. When one of my family's football obsessed, school security cop friends talked about how he tells the kids at school when he first meets them that whipping is allowed in our public schools and he would just love for them to try something, I walk away wondering if he was a schoolyard bully in his younger days. My husband said he was just "talking trash." They do that a lot here. To fit in you have to talk trash, not use big words, and pretend to love football.

So our biological family doesn't feel much like family and we have to look elsewhere for a place to connect with other people, which is where the musical theater group comes in. Several of the kids who have been in the group with my son for years feel they are like family--a different kind of family, but a real family. One of them has mentioned this several times and they all agree.

I finally asked one of the college kids in my son's acting group "family" who has known my son since age 4 if he would be interested in coming to an after birthday party for my son. He said he would love to. He said my son reminded him of himself. He said he never had close friends his age. When he made jokes with kids his age, they didn't get them. Only the adults got them. He said my son is the same way. He asked if my son was still reading his sister's college psychology textbooks because he is interested in that also. He said he is especially interested in how music affects learning. He said it really is okay for kids like my son to have adult friends. I said I had thought about inviting him over before but he was so much older and... my son said "she worries about what other people think."

So I have four college kids on our after birthday party list--four kids who have similar interests in music or games or learning. I probably should have done this a long time ago.

Finding kids who get my ds has been very very difficult ~ two of his closest friends are both 2.5 years older than him, and he doesn't get to see them in school due to their being in middle and he's still in ES. He has only so-so social skills, but he is better at getting along than just a couple years ago; for his birthday we are inviting the older boys, one gifted younger boy from the neighborhood, and a couple kids from his gt pull out that he is friends with.

I have the same problem. Although my social skills are about par, in my family, aside from my sister, there aren't many people with my interests. For example, I always have failed to talk to my cousin, but I always feel singled out. My grandmother says it's because I have mature interests. My family is also more extroverted than I am, and they are usually big party people (their anniversary has 77 of their closest friends!), whereas I would rather read a long novel, alone, sitting on my bed with the doors locked. My community is even worse. Most of the teenagers and preteens in my state are obsessed with Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, and whoever has dirty, shallow lyrics and an overly-synthesized tune, so I'm just the person who has to talk to my mom to find solace and human contact (since most of my friends are either online or in Animal Crossing). Your son could benifit from going here to chat. I'm pretty sure we could get along!

Oh! I've read my mom's friend's psychology textbooks before at his age, so he would really benifit from another person who reads psychology! I'm studying theory of mind and giftedness, along with personality psychology!

My son spends a lot of time on the internet, some would say too much time, but he finds music, often Japanese anime music, to play on the piano or just to listen to. I really like some of it too and so does his piano teacher, who is an older mom like me who would have never listened to it if it hadn't been for my son. His piano teacher liked some of it so much that she made a copy of some anime sheet music my son found and showed it to one of her other piano students who really liked it.

He knows enough about Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga to talk to other kids if he has to, just like he learned enough about sports (through sports video games) to pretend he is interested, but this only works for a short time. It is not very satisfying to only talk about other people's interests and never your own and to be looked at like there is something wrong with you if you don't have the same interests that all the other kids have. We actually had a doctor tell us one time that I should make him watch cartoons instead of letting him watch the history, science and discovery channel shows that he loved so he would fit in better. I refused to do that and thought it was similar to the school wanting him to learn to color in the lines instead of learning what he wanted to learn.

He has found a lot of friends online, he plays mmorpg games and talked to kids from other countries who thought he could speak their language because he used google translator. He would like to learn to speak Japanese.

I am happy that the TV show Glee made his musical theater interests seem a little less different to the kids in our area. He is finding ways to be happy in our small town, but still dreams of moving to a big city where where is more of a chance there are people like him.

I could teach him a few words, if I remember! I have never went into musical theatre, however, for fear of making a mistake. I'm happy that he's thriving!