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I�m starting to think my almost 17 month old is lying... and am not sure what to do about it? Did anybody else deal with this?

Basically, she�ll tell me she wants something when it�s clear that she wants something else that I don�t want to do at the time/give to her. For example, she LOVES playing in the bedroom (to the point of many mornings refusing to leave it even though I�m starving and want to eat breakfast). I�ll take her out of the bedroom to make breastfast and then she starts saying that she wants to nurse and go to sleep but the second we get there she starts jumping on the bed and gets books out to read etc. She knows the sign for bed/bedroom and can clearly say that instead of saying she wants to nurse and go to sleep but she uses the later because she knows I�m more likely to let her nurse if I think she�s tired.

She does something similar with saying that she wants to go potty when she really just wants to play in the bathroom (and she knows how to say that she wants to go play in the bathroom but knows that I don�t let go in there just to play).

I really don�t think she�s overextending the meaning of words, which I know is common at this age because I�ve seen her do that and that�s not how this is coming across. How do I explain to her that she shouldn�t tell me she wants to nurse, go potty etc. if that is really not the case??

We call that "testing" in our house

It's not easy while it's happening and is definitely time consuming! Our approach was to take the requests on face value, especially during toilet training. If they said they needed potty, we went there quickly - with only going to the toilet allowed. If nothing was produced in a minute or so, pants on, wash hands etc and out of the room again. As the kids got a little older, we started to say things like "It's a shame you're so tired (whatever behavior/request) right now, I was going to get glitter (or any other interesting thing) out. Ok I'll put you to bed." Strangely enough, not so sleepy after all!

They do get tired of it eventually, as long as you don't enable the manipulation. All the best though - it's exhausting keeping two steps in front!

That is a tough one. I think it's important to realize that all kids lie at some point, and that creative lies and/or what may be called 'gaming the system' are signs of an intelligent kid.

At this point, since you seem to not be able to communicate the idea to her that it's wrong, I might consider treating it as a joke. When it becomes apparent that she has gamed the system, get a big grin on your face, say "Why, you!...", tickle her, or whatever. Communicate to her clearly that you understand what she's doing, at least. She may be proud that you've recognized her big accomplishment! But I don't see that as a problem. And at that stage of linguistic development, she may not be ready for a higher-level moral idea.

It was partly to encourage an early awareness of such stuff that I strongly encouraged early language development in my 4-year-old son. I wanted him to have a large vocabulary early (signs were that he was developing one anyway), so I used to do lots of in-passing language drills, every day when I had the chance. In my case my kid starting learning and asking questions about morality, death, etc. early partly because of that (which enabled him to), partly because I exposed him to complex stories involving such themes early on to get him thinking, and partly because bright kids ask lots of questions and those things were in his universe. So when the topic came up, I was able to give him input.

I don't really remember where my son was at 17 months old. Although I might have been able to explain concepts about lying to him at that stage, with or without a large amount of effort, I don't know what effect it would have had. I don't think I was worrying about such things at that particular period. In your case, if you try and just can't get the ideas across, I wouldn't worry. You're not raising a little criminal, just a bright kid. And in a matter of a few short months I think it will sort itself out, with the advance of her language skills.

My four-year-old lies every now and then, to this day. We caught him cheating at a couple of games, which had me angst-ridden for a while before I figured out how to address it. We considered that to be serious. On the other hand, sometimes we treat small lies in a different way. It makes a difference to us whether the lie or dishonesty is to take advantage of someone else, is excessively sneaky, etc. If it's a lighthearted, fabulous story without any attempt to gain unfair advantage, my own approach has been to say with a faint smile something like, "Wow, that's a great story! How do you account for [fact that makes the story clearly impossible]?"

Lack of cooperation, breaking unwritten rules, is an example from my recent memory with him. We were playing Warcraft 3 together, on the same team against some computer opponents. I had spent some resources preparing a trap to kill off some creatures guarding a couple of rich gold mines, which you need in the game. These mines were right next to my starting town, and he knew that I was going after them. Well, after I had spent some soldiers attacking the creatures, weakening them, he swooped in with a stronger army and claimed both gold mines. He said, "What? Those are the rules! If you are the first to build a town near a mine, you get it!" He stuck firm to this even after I asked him to give me one mine and take the other. I grinned and bore it. Part of me felt like I had to give him credit.

But then, soon after, I decided to spend a lot of more resources to kill off some wendigo monsters guarding a mercenary camp, which if conquered gives one the chance to hire monsters to join one's army. My plan was to get the monster mercenaries, then go conquer another mine. This time, my son waited patiently with a small force just out of my eyesight range (I was playing on a smaller-resolution screen and he knew it), until I beat the entire team of guard monsters. Then he quickly marched to the mercenary camp and hired all the monsters for himself.

At that point I had to have a conversation with him about the nature of cooperation, what it means to be a team player, how one's chances are better if the team flourishes (not always but usually true), etc. It was dishonest from the standpoint of an adult, but he was just maximizing his army's strength, which was a primary goal. I was just struck by the thought that a few years ago I would never have imagined having that conversation with my young boy.

My point with this is not to write a diary entry, but really to say that I think you are in for a rich set of experiences with your little one. Even if you get over this hurdle, it may not be your last encounter with dishonesty. I do agree with you that it's good to teach moral lessons early, but there will be plenty of time, and this one doesn't seem bad-hearted. I think there are some good ideas in this thread to tackle any training consequences.

That's not lying - it's engaging in the behavior that gets the desired result.

Stop reinforcing "If I ask for what I really want, I won't get it. But if I ask for something I don't want, I get what I do want."

The PP's suggestion (give her the undesired thing she asks for she asks for, but not what she wants) is one alternative. You might also try giving her the desired thing when she asks for it for a while (to reinforce the behavior you want), or explaining your reasoning to her (although IME this invites negotiation, which I personally don't mind, but which you might).

We had nothing to play with in the bedroom or bathroom at that age, so the most interesting place to play was the living room. And my DD was physically cautious, so could be left mostly-unsupervised without calamity while I did stuff I needed to do. She might be covered in washable marker, but wouldn't be perched on top of the refrigerator.

I agree. At this stage, I really feel that any communication is a good thing. She may not be able to articulate what she really wants, or the depth of her desire for it, but she has figured out another way to achieve her goal. That's wonderful, IMO.

So my response would be to help her articulate her desires more appropriately and respect them whenever possible. If she asks you to nurse but really wants to jump on the bed, perhaps you could say, "Oh, you want to jump? Why didn't you say so?" Reinforce that communicating your honest desires is the best way to achieve your goals, and then make sure that that is true.

I do hope it�s a phase that she goes through quickly! Witht he potty... I think we�ll probably keep taking her often since this is something we really want to encourage but maybe try and remember and keep it in the livingroom more (I have to clean in in the bathroom and many times forget it there thanks to my mom brain).


Ok, I�ll just copy a condesced version here. I�ve tried the distraction thing and it works sometimes... but unfortunately (well, fortuantely for most other things) the girl has a good memory and is pretty stubborn! She doesn�t let things go easily.

Thanks for sharing your other experiences, I think we will try and discuss it with her. Even if she doesn�t get it now it�ll be good practice for me in the future.


I get that... and I try to avoid it but potty training (for example) is pretty important for us since she�s really had a break through and is dry most of the day now. However, sometimes I�ve ignored her request after she kept asking to go for the 100th time and then we had a nasty surprise! It really reminds me of the boy who cried wolf...

Also... we have a very, very tiny apt. Just a bedroom and livingroom so the bedroom does have toys in it (esecially if DH is working in the livring room or something). We don�t really have that luxury to keep the bedroom free of toys. I don�t really mind if she wants to play in there by herself (I can see her from the livingroom so it�s not an issue) but the problem is more that she wants me there (sometimes just sitting while she reads her books, for instance) even when I�m busy doing something or trying to get her ready to go outside or like in my original example.. make breakfast.


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Anyways, thanks everyone for the answers so far. Testing might be a better word for it and I�m not too worried she�s going to grow up into a criminal or something. I�m just trying to survive to the next day as usual.

I am happy that she is able to communicate so effectively at this point! I know many kids who can�t... The problem is, is that she knows how to say all those things like jumping on the bed, reading books there etc.. and she does say it. But if for whatever reason we can�t do that at the moment she asks to nurse and go to sleep.

ETA- I just reread your post, I think I misread it at first. I�ll try reminding her what she wants to do there than (as in jumping on the bed etc.. ) maybe she�s just forgetting that she knows those words. That�s a good point.

I think maybe you got it right the first time. IMO (and probably in her opinion too), if you have time to lay down and nurse her while she tries to take a nap, you have time to let her jump on the bed for a minute. If you don't have time for either, perhaps you could nurse her where you are instead of going into the bedroom. Now, you and I both know that nursing & sleeping are more important than jumping, but your DD doesn't know that. She just knows that when she asks to nurse you listen and when she asks to jump you don't. That's not something you want to teach her. So, instead, teach her that when she asks to jump she gets to jump and when she asks to nurse she gets to nurse.

Hmm... the thing is, we do give her plenty of jumping time too. Actually, the only times that we will turn down a request to play, read, jump etc. if it�s either her bed time (i.e. she�s clearly very, very tired but is using it as an excuse to stay awake longer) or if we�re busy like trying to eat, leave the house etc. Normally, that�s a pretty small portion of our day in general, so there�s plenty of play time in between!

I have a similar issue with DS18mo.

Rigth before he takes a timeout (for hitting or biting), he always needs to use the bathroom.