Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Maybe I AM a bad parent

DH and I met with the school admins to pitch some differentiation for DS8 for next year. Frankly, we didn't think we had set our sights all that high for what we were asking.

DS8 has tested very strong verbally, and above-average in Math. He was accepted as a DYS, but I wouldn't say he's at the level of lots of the kids here. VCI on the WISC was 144, FSIQ of 130 and GAI of 142. His recent scores on the Verbal part of the SCAT placed him in the 97th percentile 2 grades ahead.

So, the things we heard were, "if his IQ and Achievement are so in-line with each other, then he's doing fine." We also heard, "we have lots of kids with scores like this, and they're doing fine" without accommodations. They also questioned his processing speed being slow on the WISC and why we only gave them the abbreviated report (the one intended for the school) from the psychologist.

So, I walked away feeling like they're saying none of our concerns (such as perfectionism, unwillingness to take on challenge and his lack of care on his work) are "school" issues, but instead are just parenting issues.

I suppose part of this is a vent, and another part is asking how anyone here might have responded to such things. I dislike confrontation, and started feeling like maybe we're off base with our requests. Maybe we are just not raising DS correctly or maybe all these concerns are just in my head. Hopefully, I'm just feeling tense after the meeting, and maybe they will provide some accommodations next year. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

Nope, you are NOT a bad parent! Try not to let the school's stonewall make you doubt yourself.

Are you in a state that has mandated gifted programming? If so, check out the school and state's criteria for Gifted Education. With a FS of 130 he should qualify almost everywhere I heard about. The GAI is even better but many schools do not recognize this value yet.

Next, since you have the Psych report, can you ask the Psych to come to one of the school meetings with you? The school may back down on the implied parenting problem with a outside expert attending. From the sounds of your post, they did not seem to be in an accomodating mood at the meeting. I'd push for another meeting with the outside expert. That takes the pressure off of you.

I have to find the link to an article I read a few years ago. It talked about how, often, schools shift all the blame to either the student or the parents and try to make everything a behavioral problem not a school problem.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are NOT a bad parent!!!

Hugs!

My school meetings were very hard on me emotionally too. What I have concluded is our school in general and others just does not have the experience/training to understand a DYS kids needs. I hope they will be open to helping your child. I agree that if you can get them to listen to someone else like a psychologist it may help. Some parents have given their schools some short magazine articles that support their cause. This did not help in our case, but you never know. Hang in there.

It's almost like dealing with an insurance company where they automatically deny your first request because most people will just give up at that point. This would be the time for a follow up letter where you reiterate your request in writing. The "we have lots of kids with scores like this, and they're doing fine" is a standard way to make you feel like a PITA. You're doing your job as a parent by advocating and the issues you're addressing require help from the school. Hugs to you and now get to writing that letter!
P.S. http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/private_pg.htm

You go Inky!! That is the best analogy i've ever seen for this situation. "The squeaky wheel blah, blah blah" is a very true statement when it comes to advocating. One thing that I would suggest you do is learn the chain of command for your district. When the school fails to respond start climbing the ladder. It may take some time but eventually they will make accomodations just to shut you up!

I love it Inky!

A friend had a similar situation. The Principal said "No other parents are complaining. We have many kids like yours and they are fine." LIE LIE LIE. My friend found out that in fact, several parents were complaining and they were all given the same story.

Where's the banging head on the wall smiley?

Dazey

Thanks for the support and suggestions.

DS attends a private school, which makes things more complicated. When you hit a wall with the administration, there's just no place to go. The weird thing is that I've believed forever that DS is different from his peers, but at this meeting, I really started questioning it and thinking that maybe it's just some delusion I have. Like I said, DS isn't as advanced as many here, but he's different enough that the current curriculum is just not a good fit.

Unfortunately, asking the psych to attend isn't an option here -- would take forever to make that happen. I do wonder if DYS can help at all with our efforts, but we haven't gotten had a chance to talk with them yet since our meeting.

Inky, I love the quote. Thanks for putting it there. I feel better knowing that if they use it as a reason to deny the changes, I will have a reply.

kcab, good luck with the plan for your DS7.

Well, keep your fingers crossed pleasae. We're hoping to have answers in the next week or so.

We've seen this happen too. Apparently it isn't 'lying' if it produces the desired result in many people's books - it's just the way you play the game.

Very Sad,
Grimity

"Wow, you have a lot of kids with scores like that. How exciting. That opens up a lot of options for ability grouping in order to meet all of their needs. Lets talk about that."

That really stinks! You're writing a big check to these people who are causing you to doubt what you know about your son and causing you to question whether you're a good parent. You can get that for free at a public school.

When my oldest was in 1st grade I was given some bad normative data for her standardized tests and told that she wasn't gifted. It threw me for a loop and made me question what I knew from the previous 6 years of being her mother. Luckily with help from this board, I figured out it was bad norms instead of me being delusional. It makes me angry to hear about other parents being treated this way and I hope you'll get some better answers from the school.

Is the public school, perhaps with a gradeskip or some subject accelerations (or both) an option?

Is there a different private school that might be more willing to see things your way?
and

Have you been entirely clear about what the problems you are seeing are, with little vignettes to illustrate your point? You may want to write it all down, and ask them to read what you've written and think about it.

We are all trained to be agreeable and socially accommodating, the challenge of writing down exactly what you see as the problem, not assuming that they see the problem, but spelling it all out, and including a lot of the emotional pain, might help.

Think back to that last time you were on the dating scene. Remember how few people were really able to 'say what they mean and mean what they say.' Based on that perception, realize that it is perfectly fine to pretend this meeting never happened and keep presenting your case over and over and over. Literally become deaf to anything you don't agree with and keep asking. And look into alternatives.

One tip is to schedule meetings at the end of the school day, when the interested parties might be willing to agree to 'anything' just to be able to go home.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Hugs to you, Mama22gs.

It happened to us too, 3 months ago, and I am only just recovering. Whatever it is, I hope you can draw strength from us as I do from the rest of the people here.

One "statistic" (who knows! Might be real!) the Gifted Services officer spouted to me was: 20% of children in an urban population are actually ready for acceleration, but we don't do it because it doesn't make sense." Hmm. Then what does? Holding them back?

Unfortunately, the public school is not an option. We'd have to move, and even then we think that our two little fish would not fit in the very large public school pond here. DS8 is a pretty anxious kid, so small seems to work well.

We talked with the other private schools around here last summer. They threw out the "all children are gifted" reply. We asked if there were other kids at a similar level as DS, and we heard that grouping kids of all abilities together is much better for all of them.... Definitely not worth the very high price tag or the change.


I like that one. Too bad I can't invite them over for appetizers and drinks. I'd be sure to make them double-strength and get everything in writing.

That's consistent with my experience. When I spoke to DD7's first grade teacher regarding acceleration, she said that there were several other kids (in a class of 22) she felt would also benefit from it.

I guess what I was trying to say is, call their bluff. I think once yous start talking about school wide changes for all these fictional highly gifted kids you'll discover that they are suddenly more willing to talk about differentiation for one child.

LOL! Don't forget the camera!

No,No - Mamma22gs brought the cocktails - I brought the camera - for documenting any sensitve material brought out by the cocktails for later persusion purposes.

I understand just what you are going through. I haven't quite gotten through to the school with it yet but I am working on it. Damian has some of the same issues and the school cites parenting and discipline.