Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Manipulation/Attention Seeking

My daughter is almost 5 and before I get into her difficult behaviors...I want to state that she is gregarious, very funny, loving and giving. What I am concerned about however is what appears to be this innate attention/seeking and manipulative behavior. She is very argumentative...often tries to negotiate regardless of knowing the outcome of such behaviors.

When she was very little she loved learning and I loved teaching her. We spent a lot of time doing that and she wants that kind of time from me currently but it's as if she continually tries to view me as her little friend as opposed to her parent and I continually remind her that I am first and foremost her parent. I would love to give her quality time but I can only pretend to be a character in a movie or TV show so often. She has a vivid imagination which is awesome and thankfully she understands the difference btw. fiction and reality. I will admit that I do have trouble with pretend play which is a shame because I too used to have quite the imagination.

She seems to seek attention constantly talking about any minor scratch or bruise she gets and honestly I think she purposely falls at times. We feel she is gifted though don't have the funds to test her but everything points to it.

She always wants to make us laugh, she can be quite the comedian but it almost seems dysfunctional in that it is too much of a need. During play she always wants to be in control and tell you what to say and do and of course I do allow room for her to direct the play but I also do redirect her to ensure that she is allowing me or someone else to choose how they play their role in the game.

There's so much more but it would take forever. I am just concerned that she is too focused on attention and losing sight of just being a kid. I don't want her self-esteem to be attached to how much attention she is getting from others or for her to depend upon others to make her feel important. I am told she is very confident in her preschool so I am happy to hear that...yet her attention seeking behavior, to me anyway...is borderlining on dysfunctional for someone so young.

Azuil ((hugs))

It is amazing and appalling how much energy these young ones have? And we love them so ferociously too. It is hard to relax and enjoy when we feel so responsible for how they turn out. Plus add in the isolation that many of us face...who are we going to talk this over with? Few people seem safe enough. Many of our children have this appetite of attention and the intensity not to give up.

Im wondeering what the rest of her life is like. Does she have playmates siblings favorite adults a dad aunts uncles? What happens if she goes to daycare or preschool or out to museams or on errands ? Can she play alone at all?

How about you, Do you have people or activities that nurture you? Do you get to see those ppeople or do those activities?

Does she still love learning? I would at least try kicking the teaching up a notch. Bookstore workbooks for mmuch older kids or a few middle school aimed text books to flip through. She sound like she has lots of intensity and that does have to go somewhere.

love and more love
grinity

I hope you post more details about what you enjoy about your dd and what is hard on you and how you are dealing with the worry.

You might also enjoy reading '5 levels of giftedness' by Ruf just to get a flavor of LOG and 'Transforming the difficult child' by Howard Glasser.

I've mentioned on other posts of my own giftedness in music and athletics. I was also described as overly sensitive. A wrong note on an instrument was actually (and still is) painful to my ears. My DD has a computer she plays w/and certain notes just grate on my ears like nails on a chalkboard. I was dramatic and sensitive to other people's emotions so much so that it would overwhelm me. My DD seems to have similar traits though for her...I guess instead of sensitivity to emotions (not that it isn't there), it seems more sensitive to behavior. Put her with mature children and she really rises to the occasion and is fabulous...however put her with immature children and wow...she unfortunately also rises to the occasion. It's as if she has no internal locust of control. I've seen improvement though in that area, I'm trying to teach her not to follow along w/others who are doing something that gets them and therefor herself into trouble.

I love her gregarious nature; she is so outgoing and personable. She'll hang with the adults and ask to "chat". She holds the door for others and allows them to go first, most of the time she says her please and thank yous. While we were eating outside with a mom's group I belong to she asked another Mom if she could walk across her blanket to get to the playground; so polite!

When she acts out to get attention (my perception of course) such as focusing too much on owies or pretending to fall...I call her out on it. I tell her that pretending to fall or falling purposely and getting hurt will not make people pay more attention to you, they will see that you did it on purpose and people don't like that and neither do I.

Her preschool mentioned that she often acts as if things hurt...and I've seen that at home though that has lessoned because I've called her out on "pretending." I told them that I think she does it for attention, but it also comes from having a lot of exposure to other people who suffer from pain. My husband suffers from migraines and is out for 2 days at a time when it happens...it used to happen every week, it has lessoned thankfully. I was a gymnast for 11 yrs., was in diving, fencing, Kumdo, weight lifting, etc. and have multiple injuries as a result. I had a major car accident which left me with more physical issues. She goes to Dr. appts. w/me, the Chiropractor, etc. so she sees these things and I continually tell her that just because I'm not feeling good at times doesn't mean that she can't feel good. I tell her that it's important to feel good and be happy that you do. I try not to show it but I am tired a lot and don't have the energy I used to.

In my adulthood I have little to no tolerance for drama in myself or others frankly; I find it highly annoying so I don't tell too many people about it simply because I don't want a pity party...I'm not on any meds so I deal. I'm mentioning it here to get other people's opinion on whether they think I'm right about why she might do some of these things or if I'm just way off base. How else can someone who is very sensitive to behavior handle her emotions other than to act like mommy? Though I don't say "ow" all the time but that's probably her way of processing through what she sees and knows. I think sometimes I'm actually too emotionally distant because as a clinical social worker I've worked w/many dysfunctional behaviors. Honestly I think so many social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists are at risk for having dysfunctional children simply because they "know too much" about behavior and analyzing your own children can become a self-fulfilling prophecy...I try not to do that but it's difficult not to.

Both my husband and I were labeled gifted as kids and were pushed to perform in unhealthy ways so we resorted to refusals and an evenutal degredation of performance both academically and otherwise. I see these traits in my daughter so I try not to push too hard but encourage. I tell her that just because something is hard, that doesn't mean she can't do it, it just means practice will make it easier.

Her demands for attention can be exhausting; still very narcissistic but that is also age appropriate...she is just more high maintenance and is bored easily.

As far as playmates...we go out to playdates frequently since I belong to 2 Mom's groups; I'm currently a SAHM. I also go out with the Mom's group at night a couple of times a month. Sometimes I have 1:1 playdates so to speak and sometimes we're in a group. Currently I watch an almost 7 yr. old boy who is very immature and not nearly as intelligent...my DD gets easily frustrated with him and acts out like a 2 yr. old. I won't be sitting for him much longer actually since I don't feel it's working out.

I think she does still enjoy learning but wants to learn things the way she wants to learn them; as my husband and I. Both of us were and still are independent so the apple didn't fall far from the tree, if it fell at all. I try to find "teaching moments" now. She'll refer to "bad behavior" when watching TV and we talk about that it's wrong and how we wouldn't want someone else to treat us this way. When she's eating we'll play math games...when she asks how many more bites, I'll come up with a # and we'll subtract. I've taught her how to count on her fingers (10+5=15). I tell her to start with ten and count up from there on 5 fingers. She got it quickly of course. She was doing math in her head b4 I started any of this...it's why I started doing it. So I find various times throughout the day to attempt to teach her things varying from behavior, socialization to math.

Sorry this is so lengthy...I get very wordy.

Thanks for reading!

Hi,

My DD who just turned four is almost exactly the same way. She needs almost constant attention. People tend to find her funny and cute when her attention volume is set at the charming and outgoing level, but I am sure it annoys some people when the knob goes up too high. It grates on me when it does and I feel really guilty saying that. She tries to dominate play (though directing, not force) with other children when she plays with them too and this embarasses me at times. I do not set that example for her and we work very very hard not to reinforce her attention seeking behaviors, but they persist. She also has a baby sister so is competing there, but I do things with her one on one and her sister doesn't demand the same sort of attention so she really isn't lacking. Children with much less attention don't seek it the way she does. I also can rarely do any sit down learning thing with her since she thinks she knows everything and refuses to be "taught" anything so I don't even try.

She appears happy, really happy, a majority of the time and is skipping and singing, but at the same time, there is this highly argumentative streak and I feel she has a chip on her shoulder and I am not sure why since her life is pretty darn good. Like you, I am frustrated. My DD's way of getting attention is by performing, singing, talking too much and too loudly, doing silly things sometimes, etc. She doesn't pull the "sympathy" card by pretending to be hurt or exaggerating her injuries, it is just that she never just mellows out and that exhaustes me and saddens me because I'd like to just quietly hang out, bond, and be together and not just feel that this steamroller was crashing through my days. For me, my loving sweet feelings often flow in less loud wild moments and she just can't seem to do that mode yet.

I have no advice for you; I'm just letting you know that someone else knows how you feel. Oh, as for pretend play, I can only do so much. I am not a four year old. She needs really bright friends her age. I am her mom, not a kid and I don't feel like pretending to be one. That doesn't mean I can't goof off with them, play chase, and make jokes, but I am with her for 14 hours of awake time each day and there is only so much of that time I want to pretend to be something.

Hi Twinkletoes, yes my daughter does the same things...talking too loudly, trying to make people laugh and can at times but does act too silly which is embarrassing. I wish we could hang out more too...just chilling and cuddling; I long for that actually. Our DDs are very similar as I've read in your other posts. Although I have always known that I'm not the only one...I didn't find anyone I could really talk to about this until I joined this forum so I am grateful. I always feel like people think I'm just complaining when I'm just trying to understand and though she hasn't been labeled gifted...I'm as sure as I can be. I also don't want people to think that I'm the type of parent who is like..."my kid is gifted so she's better than anyone else, etc. etc." All I've ever wanted was to ensure that she is given the right amount of guidance and nurturing as much as possible. I think I need help with that regardless of the fact that I grew up gifted.

I just want to thank you Grinity for your advice; it's priceless. I'm glad to know so many othes who deal with these situations. I have a long way to go in understanding giftedness regardless of the fact that I too was labeled as such. I never realized what it meant till just recently to be honest...it just was what it was for me I guess.

At any rate...my DD can play by herself by the way and she can do very well with others, usually older children but does very well with younger children too. I've read that gifted seem so immature and it seems she can be but I know she's bored and likes to stir the pot which presents as immature. Learning is a challenge since I think she's a perfectionist as I was so not trying is easier than trying and not doing well since the standard is set so high for ourselves. I tell her it's ok to make mistakes, it's how we learn. Sometimes she's ok with it...better than I was anyway so far which is something I suppose. :o)

That is so funny about manipulating others. It is what I do for entertainment in staff meetings. I can create all kinds of havoc and never take responsibiltiy or blame depending on the situation. I am secretly often the leader of "insurrections" but noone is aware it was me. It is a bit machavallion but when you feel your opinion isn't respected or listened to it is effective. Just a thought from an adult.

Hey Vicam I hear ya...I've done my share of manipulating for various reasons. My concern is that she is simply doing these things because she is bored, not because she doesn't feel heard. It feels as if she just creates chaos for the sake of creating chaos which is a dangerous thing to do; it can certainly make for a lonely existence because people aren't going to put up with that.

The drama she creates sometimes is seriously annoying and I have no tolerance for it which I'm sure satisfies her on some level however the end result of her getting into trouble and not getting to do what she wants to do...I would think anyway would be a deterrent however I have yet to see it impacting her enough. It scares me to be honest.

It might be interesting as an exercise to imagine how your daughter might using this same style critique the personalities and behavior of other family members. I bet her perspective is really different.

About 90% of what you wrote people in my family may well have said about me when I was a child. The reality was that what they saw as arguing and attention seeking was really about me having a very different personality from everyone else in the family. I was extroverted, passionate, and a verbal processor of information. I learned best when talking and engaged.

My suggestion would be even though it can be hard in the moment, to try to work from a place of appreciating her differences. Try to use her strengths to help her participate in solving problems and finding solutions to these challenging situations.

Also, make sure you are getting breaks for yourself including totally alone time. That should recharge you and help you feel more able to interact. I would continue to build a network of drop off playdates and encourage her to have independent activities.

ETA: I really would not accuse her of faking injuries to get attention. There is in reality a very wide range of difference in how people perceive sensations like pain. Some kids are simply much more intense. Some have overexcitabilities that make their reactions more intense. Ultimately if your goal is to not encourage attention seeking behavior engaging more - in whatever way including accusations - is the opposite of what you want to do. Instead, in a very low key way, not at the time she's getting hurt, I would say something like "I notice you react strongly when you get hurt, let's talk about some other options and help her make a plan. Perhaps she'd like to plan something else she could say or do. The key is to get her in control of it instead of you.