Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional what do you make of this?

Hi,

My DD who just turned four is exhausting me. She isn't diagnosed as 2E in any way, but at times I wonder...I'm home with her full time with her very active two year old sister. Yes she is smart, creative, and funny, but her constant attempts to get everyone's attention, her loud voice, her inability to play in a quiet, controlled way, her volatility, etc. is wearing me down today. I am very sensitive to noise and commotion and she is constant noise and commotion by nature. When she is happy, which is most of the time, the knob is turned to HIGH and she laughs more and louder and is sillier and more theatrical than most kids we meet. That isn't bad, but can be tiring for parents teachers and even other kids!

We went to a birthday party yesterday and she screamed and carried on when the first present the girl got was a present she had wanted but didn't get at her birthday. Her reaction was way out of proportion and all the other kids were just sitting there quietly. When she cries or has a tantrum it is so much louder, longer, and more melodramatic than what I see in other kids. Then she got all worked up because they had cupcakes, not cake. She even marched over to the hostess and other moms and kept insisting they needed to serve cake.

These sound so silly and small, esp if you have older kids and their problems are so much bigger but I want to nip this in the bud now while she is small. She also kept invading other people's personal space by having a stuff dog lick them in the face--cute at first but she wouldn't leave the other parents alone and did it to little kids and they didn't want to play with her because she didn't seem to get it that she was annoying people, or actually likes annoying people. Sometimes it seems she wants to annoy people.

I felt worried for her social life, and frankly mine, since I imagined many of those moms wouldn't be eager to have her over for a playdate and she really has no little friends to play with as it is. She goes to preschool twice a week for a few hours and although her teacher said she is "contrary' she also says she is sweet and that other children like her.

I have tried so hard to help her be a good child. I have not indulged her when she has tantrums, yet she does the same things again and again and again. If she acts out, I will remove her from a place like a party etc. If she asks for something in a rude way, she will not get it. I say please and thank you and expect the same of her . My husband doesn't even want to be around her so he isn't of much help. I try to give her personal loving attention as much as I can but I am also teaching her to be a bit more independent. She can be hard to play with because she wants to control everything.

Why why why why why is she so hyper, emotionally immature, desperate to provoke people, etc.? I know it sounds as though she doesn't get my attention but I see other parents giving their child much less and the kid doesn't act out. She just demands so much from everyone around her and I give all I can give and I can't find suitable outlets and playmates for her.

Yes, she can be good and when she is I am so proud. Maybe today was just a bad day. I just wanted to bury my head and felt like such a bad parent because she seemed so rude and emotionally out of control.

She has always been ahead in cognitive things--knew letter sounds at 1.5, read words and short books at 2.5 adding and subtracting at three frightening memory etc. and is highly artistic, massive vocabulary, and has a vivid imagination. I am never sure how much those aspects of her play into the challenges of parenting her or if something more is going on with her. She did see an OT who said she had problems with her vestibular and proprioreceptive senses (balance and body awareness) but nothing severe and she had a couple months of sessions and she says she is where she should be in terms of balance and climbing etc. Her issue was never that bad she just presented as a child who wasn't as active on a playground. The sessions made her more coordinated but didn't help with emotional regulation. Her fine motor has always been great in terms of drawing and writing. One psychologist mentioned "on the spectrum" but every other professional I spoke to said absolutely not. I don't know how to help her.

Help,


Tired Mama

Hi, it can be real tough.
Wishing you the best.

Mr W's tantrums are getting less and less.

We have zero tolerance for it. First, we warn him, and if he continues, we immediately remove him and then talk about the consequences. He loses his privileges in escalating order.

The turning point was when he was around 11 months old and just went nuts over something when we were on the road. We were going to the bookstore rather than to pick up mom. I had to pull over and talk with him.

He got it then and gets it now. He is SMART enough to understand his feelings and how his outbursts affect those around him. He just needs some self-control.

He likes Ni-Hao Kailan and we point things out on the show that he can learn from. He also likes to play with older kids so we tell him that he has to act like an older kid.

This weekend we had two different parties to go to with lots of challenges and he was on his best behavior until he just crashed at 10 pm. ( We do cut some slack if he is tired or hungry. )

This has been our biggest challenge with him and for the last two months its been a daily, difficult and draining challenge.

Hi Jesse,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. There were some incredibley useful suggestions in your post and I wasn't offended in any way.

When you said,"She isn't doing it out of spite or to embarass you, she is (not knowing how else to) expressing her feelings/thoughts the only way she knows how (for now) -- in a very raw way, unedited, pure" and "I know it is hard to swallow but what you have here is a non-tainted, pureness, un-edited version of your child. The real her with all her feelings. This is before she learns to keep her feelings to herself, to not express what she is thinking, etc." it actually brought tears to my eyes. You know, that could be about loving myself too since I was that child and still work very hard to contain and control the "surges" inside. I guess I want to spare her some pain.

I like the idea about discussing the "what ifs" in terms of unpredictable things: what if there isn't a cake. Heck, I think I mentioned it to her on the way there, but did not understand the extend the actual cake meant so much to her. She really is into cakes and candles, but wow, I didn't see the tsunami coming. The doll thing was quite unexpected too since she has gone to parties and never reacted to gifts. I think she was just in a very thin-skinned place and I wasn't as sympathetic to it as I could have been because I can end up feeling as though I am walking on eggshells.

I do think that invalidating feelings isn't the best way to go; I know how irritated I am when my husband does that to me, but on the other hand, I want to find some way to give her tools to be able to adjust the intensity of her reactions and to see that you can feel really hurt or angry but it isn't polite to carry on so loudly that you are taking away from the birthday experience of the birthday child. That is about respect and empathy. I know her feelings were huge to her, and I hope I can respond with sensitivity next time this happens, but I'm worn a little thin with it and we do need to find ways to dampen it down.

Thanks for the suggestions to role play. We really don't do much of that around here. She doesn't have a way to earn money or points around here yet and honestly, I think the urge to possess the doll will pass (she went to an audition for something related to this doll so it was on her mind that day and will probably disappear).

How old is your child now and how are things going in terms of emotionaly intensity?

I thought of this thread when I saw this:
http://www.sengifted.org/webinar_probst_05202010/webinar_probst_05202010.html

I'm in the eye of the storm with one DC little older and one DC a little younger than yours.

-M

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No advice, just a ~hug~! I have a just turned (yesterday) 4 year old and an 18 month old who are intense, driven, demanding and pretty bright. They have quickly become known as "handfuls" with family members and friends.

I hope things get better with you!!

I do not have advice, but I feel the same. DS is so exhausting; both at home with his constant activity and then again when I read the email from the teacher talking about him challenging and arguing with her about every little thing. I think once he is an adult, these characteristics will be an asset, but as a child they make him a "handful" to use your word. Personally, I was very quiet and obedient as a child and I have grown up to be accepting and conflict-avoiding. This has NOT served me well in many ways...I wish I had the courage to challenge authority like my son does. He is his own person which impresses me, but it is frustrating to deal with the school. I worry about his spirit being crushed, but he has to be polite also....argh!!!! Nan

My younger daughter showed some of those qualities... a neighbor appeared at my front door one day with a copy of the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" for me. Same book mentioned above by Jesse. It did have some useful tips... But a lot of it is just waiting for them to grow out of it. D is 15 now, and is mortified when reminded of her preschool/K behaviors