Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school How do I handle this?

Hey everyone, we have been busy hnd I havn't been on much. Fot hose who don't remember DD turned 3 in march. and is keeping me very busy!

My thoughts for today were precipitated by an incident that happened at the library today. Right before we were leaving a little girl who was about DD age ran in. Said hi to DD and asked if she wanted to play. DD and she went over to the metal air system that is in the children's area that has giant magnetic letters. I was still chit chatting with the librarian when DD came over to me carrying several letters and was very upset. "She won't play the right way. She won't let me spell words. We are supposed to be making words."

The little girl had no clue what the letters she was playing with were and was using the B as glasses. Typical play for this age, but DD later told me that the girl "was very very impolite. I said we should spell words but she would not do it, and she took some of the letters I needed to make my sentence."

Was the girl being impolite, rude.....no, she was being a 3 year old. She had absolutely no concept of spelling or what DD was trying to do, even when DD told her what she wanted. And DD had no concept that the child did not understand. In her mind, of course she knew how to because she is her age and she does....so she chose not to and was rude.

Which got me thinking...DD really has no clue that other kids her age, and even much older kids do not know the things she does. She thinks "babies" have to learn the alphabet, "why would someone not know how to count mom?" has been asked to me before when she was trying to play hide and seek with kids her age when she was 2. She reads at a first grade level, yet most of her age mates are just learning the alphabet if that....she did JUST turn 3 after all. She can count to 100 by 1s, 5's,10's and do addition and subtraction with manipulations and simple addition and subtraction in her head....and has for months, when other kids her age are learning to count. She has known all her colors and shapes since before 18 months, yet in story time, that is what they worked on this past session....and that was for kids older then her. Sigh.....

So with DD having no clue that every other kid her age does not do and know the same things she does, she assumes they are rude and impolite or do not want to play with her. When in reality, they just don't know how. This is one reason I try to put her in situations with 6,7,8 year olds to play, which works much better.

But how do I explain that these kids are not being rude, that they don't know how? Explain that yes she knows and understands much much much more then kids her age, without giving her and elitist attitude. She is no better then them, just different. I don't want this to become an issue and I feel it is...I feel she is starting to think kids are mean and rude all the time....but I feel if I explain it, then I am opening the door to another problem.

I have never talked to her about being gifted, and I don't think it is appropriate yet. So how do I handle these situations.

On another note....you should see the looks I get from the parents as DD spells words and writes sentences with the magnetic letters. Not very nice, let me tell you.

I would fall back on a variation of the standard line about differing abilities: "Sweety, she was not being rude. She simply didn't understand the way you were playing. Everyone is good at different things, and you are good at making words (or whatever thing she is amazed others can't do). She hasn't learned to do that yet, but she will. Would you like to make some words for me to read here or at home, or would you like to think of a different way that you could play with her that you could both do?"

I agree with you that 3 is early to have a full-on discussion of giftedness, but she is noticing the differences, so you have to validate her feelings yet help her figure out ways to play with normally-developing kids in a way that is still fun for her.

As for the other moms, you just have to ignore it/get used to it/get over it. MUCH easier said than done!

When DD was 3, she was very aware that others could not do all of the things that she could do. But try as I might, I could not convince her that she could not simply explain/teach others to do everything she could. I remember in particular one conversation we had about what she would do with a T. Rex if one were alive today. I tried to explain that a T. Rex had such a small brain that it would not be able to even learn to understand English, much less play board games with DD. Heaven only knows why I tried, but I did. She was adamant that she would be able to teach it to speak and read and play games (and not eat her). She could not be convinced otherwise. Around that same time, I overheard her trying to teach her friend's new baby sister to read & talk & whatnot. LOL.

So I say good luck, Amanda. Oh, and I should also say that now that she's 4, she does understand it. It's not a giftedness thing, but just a people-are-different-and-have-different-interests-and-issues-and-abilities thing. I think it helps that DH is dyslexic and an awful speller.

mnmom23 about sums up my manner of handling something like that.
It was a little different for me, because by the sounds of things your DD is more social than my sons were at that age. My sons were pretty shy on the whole, and inclined to avoid other kids who didn't want to play like them.

This is a good topic.

Mr W and I spend time at the park several times a week. There are older kids there and he spends a lot of time watching them and desperately wants to play with them. He can do most of the things they do such as climb the ladders, walk the rope bridges, do the climbing wall, etc. But they ignore him. To them, he is a baby.

At school, he is accepted because the older kids "teach" him stuff and he picks it up immediately, and he has a 50,000 watt smile that no one can resist.

I see him thinking about how to get into the fun, but he needs a few more months before he can negotiate the social dance.

For kids his age, he gets them in trouble quite a bit. The school has removed a lot of toys that they used to play with outside because Mr W would go too fast or get kids to ride while he pushed and the other kids did not have the physical skills to handle it - though one little kid is a real hard charger, too. They also try to do things he does - like climb up slides, climb the fence, etc.

Academically, he is learning to be patient to give other kids a chance, rather than blurt out the answers. IMHO, this is good.

You may be able to get away with saying less than you think. With DS (whose reading was similarly advanced at that age) I remember this being very briefly an issue with his best friend at nursery. Saying "Ah, [friend] doesn't seem to be very interested in reading and spelling at the moment. I expect he will be when he's older." seemed to be quite enough. After all, DS already understood that different children at nursery had different preferences about what to do. [ETA and consequently, different knowledge - e.g. I remember a football-mad child who understood all the rules, and a child who was keen on differences between car makes, so DS was familiar with the fact that if he wasn't interested in something he might not know things that someone else thought were basic.] I think understanding *abilities* is much harder, and TBH I wouldn't and didn't go there at this age. (And after all, the other child could turn out to be PG and just not one of those who do early reading!)

This is a constant struggle. I remember being right in that exact situation when DS5 was that age. He would have a playdate with another 3yo and would pull out junior monopopoly to play or something else like that. It was quite awkward and he didn't get why they didn't want to play and do those things with him. he wanted a wheel of fortune theme for his birthday party when he was turning 4. But he started to figure it out how different he was just by exposure to other kids his age. We needed to say something because he would often start treating children his own age as he would a baby. He would interact appropriately with older children, but with children his age he would run around, tickle them and play tag like he played with his little sister. He would even think that they were younger and would be shocked when finding out children were his own age. Anyhow, we did the whole discussion things that children learn things at different times and have different strengths. As he has gotten older we have had more discussions about how his brain works, etc. The word gifted hasn't come up with him yet, even though he is in DYS and has gone to some gatherings, etc. He has understood a lot more since going to school as he sees what other children in his classroom (some of whom are a year older) are doing. He started the school year out surprised (saying things like "they are just learning to read") and now he says things like "Matthew knows what 12+12 is already." So he celebrates in their accomplishments. He talks about how fast of a runner some kids are and notices that everyone is different and hopefully understand that one gift is not better than another. But it is still hard when other people comment on him being "smart" all the time. He told me the other day that one of his classmates said he should be on the show "are you smarter than a 5th grader" to which DS replied "I can't go on the show because you have to be 18 or older." Anyhow, this subject will come up more and more throughout their life...

DD2 (almost 3)is gifted, but probably more along the lines of MG or maybe HG. Her teacher from our church came up to me last night to be reminded at how old she was. I guess she thought DD2 was almost 4 and was thinking about moving her up to the next class because she said she was seeming kind of bored lately. Her class goes up through 3 and the next class is 4 and 5. I explained she is still 2 so probably shouldn't move up quite yet (but boy did that bring back flashbacks of DS).

And the looks from others, get used to it : ) They do get a little better as the kids get older thankfully. You will have the hardest time with parents of kids that are the same exact age. If they are a little younger or older things are generally a little better. That's my experience at least.

It's really tricky to find someway to mitigate the different expectations kids can have. The universal rule seems to be that eventually, unless they learn otherwise, they're going to think there's something wrong with them.

I can certainly appreciate that it's very important to emphasis that everyone is different and being good at something doesn't make you better but my experience to date is that our DS4.5 assumes there's something the matter with him and wants to be like everyone else. We've had to remind ourselves that 'gifted' is a very loaded term for us as adults, but for him, it could mean anything - even something bad. He's never asked for a definition of the term, which means it's an area of some anxiety, because no other words get past the 'what does XYZ mean?" filter.

Hi,

Nice to see you back on the board. She goes to preschool and none of the kids around her do the sorts of things she does so she actually thinks she is the oddball and tends to hide things like reading, spelling, and using an advanced vocabulary around children her age. She relates to them at their level because she has learned that is what she needs to do to play with them... I wish I could find some older children for her to play with or a really bright child her age for her to play with so she felt less inclined to hide things. Sometimes she "forgets" and just does what she does and little kids don't seem to notice, but their parents sure do LOL My DD knows they don't know and would probably be thrown if she met a kid like herself at all...

Hi amazedmom. First, I haven't read all the posts under yours so I might be duplicating. It seems that she is teetering on understanding there is a difference and I don't think there is anything wrong with helping her understand this while making sure she doesn't see it as better than. My daughter realized early on that she was different and really started talking about it when we put her in a social preschool. It was definitely part of the problem ... not that she understood she was different but more how she was trying hard to fit in and was changing herself to do so. When the topic comes up we always use it as an opportunity to explain how everyone has strengths and weaknesses and we are all unique and special in our own ways. DD might be advanced and able to do more academically than some of her age mates (I will explain 'some of' in a minute) but when it comes to the more standard 3 year old activities: riding bikes, playing on the swingset, etc she is far from advanced. Though she is riding her bike now it took forever for her to really try and she still insists on being pushed on the swing while her friends at school are able to swing with no assistance and even have pointed it out to her at some point.

Just my own personal experience, but from what you described you might want to locate a preschool environment that is more than social. We moved DD into an academic environment and she is flourishing and though the school is not a 'gifted' school, we have hit the jackpot with gifted kids. It makes sense that we would since the school is all taught in Spanish and is 2 years ahead of regular schools. So the 3 year olds are doing Kindergarten work which in itself not really a challenge for my DD but the fact that it is all in Spanish it works. Most of the parents that seek out this type of environment are looking to challenge their children. Is DD the most advanced of the kids in the class? I really have no idea nor does it matter. For me I would like to stay clear of the gifted label as long as possible and as long as we are happy and thriving in the school we will stay away from it. The nice thing is the school is very open to moving up DD when she becomes bored. They have made many comments about her intellect and abilities so I feel confident that they get she is special and are excited to challenge her.

Are you looking to put your daughter in any type of preschool this next year and if so do you have many options in your area? I, personally, feel preschool is a great opportunity for them to build their social skills away from us, the parents, and start to come to terms with their uniqueness. It was hard for me at first as she would come home upset about how her 'best friend' was mean to her and etc but as the year has progressed she is starting to understand that she shouldn't take it personally.

Off to drop DD at school and by the way ... glad to see you changed your signature.