Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Venting: School Meeting today

For us, a school meeting that is only in one subject is actually a great big step in the right direction. I just have to keep reminding myself that -

We were at a meeting at school because the LA teacher is desperately trying to get a particular kind of work out of DS,editing a research paper he's been working on since November. He is so ready for this to be over. She is just not able to get through to him that he really has to do it her way. She was stating that he 'just wasn't making the effort' and 'just wasn't following her directions.'

She wanted to make it clear to me that 'they went over this in class, so he should know this or that detail.'

I gave her the fully confident, slow firm, with calm big gestures - "He - is - Not, at this time, Even-across-the board- in - his - abilities."
With eye contact, a handmotion miming a horizontal line, and repetition. I was so pleased with how it came out, because I wasn't mean,defensive, angry, but I was very-very sure, and unapologetic. DS was sitting like a puddle right there at the time. I hope he gets the right message, that I don't expect him to be living up to his strengths in every area.

This seems to be a difference PG v MG. When an MG child isn't living up to a teacher's perception of their ability, they are being held to a much lower level than a PG child in the same situation. So unless the MG child is also 2E, the gaps just aren't as huge, yes? My boy is quite average in some of his academic abilities, in spite of or perhaps because of the PGness. (Well I guess that would be average for his grade, not his age, I forgot he was gradeskipped for a minute there!)

Part of the problem get's called "misreading social cues" which makes me go ((phhh)) because what that mostly means is that he is reading the emotions that people don't think that they are showing, and doesn't have the experience to mix in the words and come to some reasonable conclusion. He doesn't have the wisdom of years to know, 'Yes the teacher is all hyped up about something she probably thinks that if I tried harder I would do better.' His view is more like: 'Wow the teacher is upset - she must hate me.'

Anyway - no one blamed me for anything this meeting - so that's a refreshing change. Still I feel so yuckky! His advisor was there as well, a learning specialist, and she promised to tell him to just 'write it the way the teacher said she wants it.' So maybe by tonight it will be 'good enough.'

All part of the journey, I guess....

thanks for listening...
Grinity

And kcab - I'll be right there with you! I felt like I needed a shower and a glass of wine after my last teacher conference.

Grinity - I have amazing respect for those who you who have overcome GT denial and gone through years of accelerations, skips, and teacher negotions. Your DS is amazingly lucky! And you really do inspire newbies like myself - so thanks for posting this kind of thing.

Thanks Kcab and Kimck! I didn't go into this pro-activly, and am so glad that some of you get to avoid these moments.
But, here I am!
Grinity

" because what that mostly means is that he is reading the emotions that people don't think that they are showing, and doesn't have the experience to mix in the words and come to some reasonable conclusion. He doesn't have the wisdom of years to know, 'Yes the teacher is all hyped up about something she probably thinks that if I tried harder I would do better.' His view is more like: 'Wow the teacher is upset - she must hate me.'"

Hi Trinity,

Just had a chance to get on the board. I think what you are describing is a gift some have and some don't. I am most certainly not PG, but I remember being DS's age and internalizing other's emotions, but not knowing it at the time. This is tough stuff to deal with. I really hadn't been able to learn to temper it until I was in my 30s.
I had to have someone else validate that I had this ability(mostly to read super subtle social cues that give away peoples emotions AND motivations) and that I WASN'T CRAZY!!
You're right, he doesn't have the life experience to do this yet, probably, but I wish someone would have at least sat me down and talked to me about it when I was his age.
Don't expect the teacher to "get this". I doubt she will.
Also, is teacher expecting DS to operate above grade level because of his PG status?
Unfortunately, it does look like you may have a little bit more educating to do at the school.

HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!

I

I'm so sorry, Grinity. It sounds like you did all that you could, and as Dottie said so very well, your DS has you, so he's ahead of the game there!

K-

I love this, Grin. Very nice. I may steal it, if I may!

Sorry it was a rough meeting. I hope you got through to the teacher at least a bit -- for the grandchildren?

Steal Away!
By the time I got to pick him up in the early evening, I had gotten a few phone calls. Luckily they went from the 'this is impossible - I just can't do it my heart isn't in it - I'm farther away from finishing than I was this morning' to the 'hey, this is turning out pretty well!'

((My advice -Listening, validating, and then: be a robot! Just keep doing the next right thing. We'll do feeling later, just keep moving ahead - I sure hope that was right))

By the evening he was able to get through the rest of his homework (40 minutes) and his Bass Guitar lesson, so I'm relieved and proud of him. When I asked if he did want me to intervene, he said that he just wanted to do what she says and get it over with. Yeah!

Of course all these emotions took their toll on me! By the time DH came home, I was staring at the computer in tears, trying to interpret the latest email from the teacher. I couldn't begin to explain what was wrong, just pointed him to the email. I did feel almost myself after about a 5 minute cry.

I try to talk to DS11 about his ability to read people, but he is sure that I'm over-into his 'superpowers' and that the folks are just being contrary. Well he sounds sure, anyway. I have to tell myself that he's listening 'on the inside.!'

Apparently there are some things one has to realize by themselves.

Thanks for the support. All better now!
Grinity

As Incog posted, I am also most certainly not PG, but I definitely posses this ability, which I would not necessarily describe as a gift. I wish I could take people �at face value� as my husband does. DS11 also has my ability to �read� emotions and motivations without the perspective to know that others are interacting with him as though he doesn�t perceive the numerous layers of the issue.

How can we teach our kids to harness this ability and use it to their advantage without crossing the line of manipulation?

DH is verbally and musically gifted. He cringes (almost physically hurts) when someone hits a bad note or puts together a lame sentence. He doesn't have a choice--it's how he is wired. The result is that he excels in his field and writes amazingly well. He also comes home from music recitals exhausted and grading papers takes more of a toll on him than on his colleagues.

I think I'm the same with emotions. I "know" what the teacher wants, what they think it important, funny, etc. I remember in college people used to complain about how I just seemed to know what to study--it seemed obvious from how the teacher presented it. I am also a counselor and when a client calls (even a new one) I can tell within seconds what the issue is and how to help. But when a client or a friend is upset with me, it physically hurts (In my brain it goes like this: "they hate me; I suck" in my gut I feel sick. It doesn't stop until I find a way to resolve the problem.) I hate it but I suspect I would have to give up the benefit of the gifts to give up the pain. I like what the gifts have given me.

I am a Myers Briggs INFP. I wonder if others who have the same oversensitivity (I wouldn't call it misreading, just oversensitivity--like the volume is cranked up) to social cues are also.

Did I say INFP. I meant INFJ. Now you probably all hate me! LOL