Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Not into sports.

I've posted before on my ds6's tendency not to stick with activities once he begins. We have adopted the philosophy that we expect him to complete the season at least as we've paid for it already. I want him to learn to stick with his commitments. Also, if he does have to miss, he is now allowed to come home and watch TV or play video games. That said, I have two questions:

1. What if he's crying and begging not to go? Do I make him go anyway? It's like walking into a burning building by taking him when he's in that state of mind.

2. I know he's only 6 and might change his mind, but he's started saying, "Why do I have to do sports anyway? I don't even like sports." He asks to bring books to recess in case no one is playing anything he wants to play. He's very social and extroverted so it's not an issue of being shy or just not social. If he doesn't want to participate in a sport, would you just allow that? I certainly don't want to force him. These things are supposed to be fun, but I do like the health aspect of getting exercise.

I sometimes think he just doesn't like team sports because he hates to lose!

I don't think that's an easy 'yes' or 'no', and the best answer might be 'later'.

If this is the best outlet for physical exercise, I'd make him participate.
If you are right that he doesn't like team sports because he hates to lose, this is a good learning opportunity.

At 6, he may not be ready for team sports, GS10 was not. My DS, at 6, was not.

Gosh, that sounds familiar. I think the lesson about making committments and keeping them is a valid one for every child to learn, but maybe he just needs to find the sport that is the right fit for him.

DS9 tried soccer(3 seasons) and football(epic disaster)before finally settling on karate and tennis. Soccer and football were too overstimulating with the yelling, movement, and whistles. He had some anxiety at every practice, finally manifesting in illness during football season.

Karate is a good fit because it focuses on his personal best and is not reliant on a team. Tennis works because it still gives him the healthy competition factor. Swimming may also be on the table in the future.

We had to change our mindset with DS and explore different sports that fit his personality.

Hi there,

I think Mommyj2 hit it on the nose. In our house, each of our kids is expected to do some activity that is physical. This hasn't been an issue for my son, he likes a lot of things, but has been more of an issue for my DD4: dance (she didn't like it but she liked wearing her dance outfit :)), soccer (she just wanted to play at the nearby playground), gymnastics (she loves it and still does it, but we periodically are told by her she hates it - usually when she is tired and has had an overbusy week and just doesn't want to go anywhere), swimming (she loves it is spurts - so we let her take a break - maybe do one session and then skip a session). I think it is important that they agree (without coercion) what their activity is going to be. What about golf, roller skating, ice skating, bowling, fencing etc. etc.

If this is something he asked to do and now is changing his mind, I think it is fair to keep him going. If it was your idea and he agreed only half heartedly then I am not sure at age 6 I would continue to force him given his reaction (unless a team is relying on him, and that might have to be an entirely different discussion). That being said, I think you are right to not allow him to think that he can just hang out at home with a screen in front of him.

I guess I would think about:
- why do you think sports are important (for some men I think being good at sports represents "masculinity" and you sometimes see Dads pushing their kids into sports)
- what lessons do you want him to learn - or do you think the lessons can wait
- is there a reason outside of the sports that may make him not want to go (is he overscheduled, does he just need time at home to hang out?)

Good luck, no easy answers I know. Cat

I can tell you my DD was the SAME WAY though now she is getting better that she is 8. DS is totally in that phase and knowing that with time, she came around.... I am ok with the time being. I also found that there are more non-traditional sports that are available that are of more interest to my child than the usual. For example, less physical ones that don't require much running or whatever. there is swimming, fencing, archery... think outside the box and perhaps something will strike his fancy . Give hime time... he'll join when he is ready. Personally, I don't think sports alone will get one very far (the far and few that actually make it somewhere) but the skills learned by being on a team, cooperation, working together and dealing with personalities that don't always mix are a great thing about being in sports. It helps well round a child but I don't think it's the most important thing as some parents do.

OK...........just my personal opinion here.

DS16 absolutely mad about sports.

DD18 is the complete opposite. Has always hated sport, it holds no interest for her. I certainly tried to encourage her when she was younger to participate in extracurricular sport but it was always met with a very audible gasp and a firm "no way am I going to play _________". She was more than happy with the amount of sport and PE she received at school and that was that.

Personally I didn't see the big deal if she didn't want to play sport and as far as I am concerned it's not the be all and end all. She had enough exercise without organised sport, she rode her bike, went to the park, kicked a soccer ball with her brother, went to the pool day after day in summer and on it goes. She didn't need sport to teach her how to be a team player, how to socialise or how to be a gracious winner or loser. Her interests lay elsewhere so I encouraged her to pursue those instead. Eventually, when she was old enough, she went out and got a part time job and then came home and told me. As far as I can ascertain no sport has had no ill effects at all and she presents as a very confident, independent and well rounded young lady.

Thanks everyone. For us, sports are more about having fun, interacting with others, building confidence, learning to work as a team, and all the character building that goes along with organized team sports. That said, my son is learning many of those lessons in Montessori school and at home. He does not have any siblings, and we do not live in a neighborhood. There are no children nearby for him to play with, so other than school and the occasional get-together with friends, he gets little high energy exercise or social interaction with children at home.

At this point, we've tried soccer (twice, and this is the current sport in which he's lost interest), basketball (twice), mixed martial arts (this requires a lot of down time sitting and waiting his turn, which does not agree with a child with ADHD), gymnastics (we actually let him quit this one, he disliked it so much) and T-ball (HATED it). The thing is, he likes things at first, and then he very quickly loses interest. I keep saying that at 6 he doesn't have to choose something he wants to do forever. It is perfectly fine to try different activities, but we are running out of ideas!

He's asking me if he can try swim team. He absolutely loves to swim, so maybe this will be for him. It's so expensive!

I asked my ds this morning how he could love soccer last week and hate it this week, and he said, "My dad told me I was good at it and that I'd love it, so I thought I should." His dad is certainly not one to push anything on him, so I guess that desire to please runs in our blood! He gets that from me I'm sure. Dh is right though, ds really is good at soccer!

On a positive note, ds absolutely loves chess club and is getting really good according to the chess master. He beat my husband last night. He also enjoyed the science club and would like to do that again. Do you see where this is going? LOL!!

I think at this point, I will have him finish out the season. There are only a couple of weeks left, and one night includes a big cook-out and trophies. He'll enjoy that. And we'll continue to allow him to try new things and pursue his interests. Maybe he'll come around and enjoy sports, and maybe he won't. The men in my family are sports fanatics, and they can't stand the thought of ds missing out on the fun they've had throughout the years playing team sports. I know at 6 ds is not making a lifetime decision, but with his personality, I could see that it's just not going to be his thing and that's ok.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!

I don't, personally, see the big deal if a child doesn't want to play sports. When I was at school, we disn't have extra-curricular activities - we did PE in school (netball, tennis, field hockey, track etc) - I participated, but didn't really enjoy it. Out of school, I was plenty active, playing outside, riding my bike etc etc. I survived My ds6 plays soccer - he loves soccer (we're a big soccer family - I'm originally from England, so it must be in our blood If he didn't love the game so much, we would probably try different things, but if he didn't enjoy them, I don't see the point if making him miserable. Some kids just aren't sporty.

He is only 6... my kids are now 14 and 20. Neither one was a gifted athlete, and we just had a rule that our kid had to be involved in one sport in a given year. They don't have to play all year around, or on traveling teams, or even ever make varsity. The sport was their choice (the one limit was that if they picked a sport with expensive equipment, we wanted them to stick with it for at least two seasons). So except for the pricy equipment deal, we let them quit at the end of a given season or paid for session with no pressure from us. Between the two of them my kids tried soccer, swimming, softball, volleyball, cross country ski racing, figure skating, tennis, golf, and dance. Maybe a couple more I have forgotten They were mediocre at some, and epic failures at others. The sport that "stuck" for both of them was volleyball; go figure, I hate playing volleyball... I never would have guessed that they would pick it, but it is entirely their choice.

We set this expectation early with our kids, and it is a pretty simple ruleset for them to remember. They had a lot of flexibility within it. I never griped about fees or driving (even when I wanted to, some of those all weekend volleyball tournaments were lllooonngg...) because I think having our kids be involved in SOME sport for the long term health benefits was important.

"He's asking me if he can try swim team. He absolutely loves to swim, so maybe this will be for him. It's so expensive!"
You might want to figure out what DS loves about swimming and see if there is anyway for him to "sample" before you make a commitment. My DD10 loved to swim and thought that swim team sounded great. Our pool ran a clinic before the season to get the kids back in shape. They also allowed kids to participate in an inter-squad meet before they made a commitment -- as the coach put it, no one wants a kid who doesn't want to be there. My daughter did the clinic and hated it. She hated swimming laps with other people, didn't like people telling her how to swim faster, and found the noise of the indoor pool where the clinic took place overwhelming. She learned that she loved the feel of the water and the peacefulness of swimming laps at her own pace. Love of swimming does not = love of swim team.

I think the important thing is... he's doing OTHER things. Who cares if it's chess club, or something else instead of actual aport sports! That alone will provide the same thing a sports team would so..... don't sweat it. He is plenty well-rounded from doing those and I don't see anything wrong with that! Why not just have him do swimming instead of the team if that money is a concern?

Knute974, that is similar to our Ds' experiences with cross country ski racing. They really enjoyed skiing for pleasure with our family and youth ski classes, but neither one really liked ski racing at all. The older one stuck with it for 4 years (even elected team captain her soph year in high school, but she turned it down because she planned to quit the sport at the end of the season). The younger one stuck out one season (quite unhappily), and now it is hard to coax her out to ski for fun. She is finally venturing out again, but it took a couple of years. So an opportunity to try a few sessions without a full season committment also might be a good idea.

I think there is a very good point being made about the difference between engaging in a sport and competing in a sport. I can't imagine telling a child (or teenager) they had to compete - I could see how that might take all of the fun of it away.

Great points everyone! I could see this ringing true with my son as well. He loves to play soccer; he just doesn't like having to compete against other people. He just likes to get out and play and have fun. He doesn't enjoy the structure of team sports, or the repetition of practice. I'm afraid he'll feel the same way about swim team. I'd be happy with him just swimming in the pool at our local YMCA, at my parents' house, at the lake in our back yard, or in the ocean when we are staying at the beach. I just want him to have the opportunity to do that with other kids. I feel like he is so isolated sometimes being an only child. Maybe this will be the summer he learns to surf (he gets better every summer), and once he's hooked on surfing, we'll never have to worry about him getting enough exercise again!