Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Coming out for dorks

So with DS starting an HG program in the fall and all the neighborhood mommies doing school tours and making final decisions for next year, I've decided to come out of the closet. I have literally spent late nights unable to sleep, trying to formulate words and phrases to use when the subject comes up. I did OK with two of my neighbor friends, and was even proactive in one case. But today for the first time the issue came up with a random neighbor who stopped to chat on her way walking home from a school tour, and I put my foot way into my mouth. Ack! I guess I need some good canned responses and a summary background that I can practice in front of a mirror or something. Dork!

And in our case the story is complicated by an extreme case of asynchronous development (or worse), so here I am looking like that neurotic mom wanting her kid to be considered gifted while also wanting the school to be easy on him since he isn't reading at a gifted level.

I know this subject has been discussed in the past, but can we go ahead and rehash it here? What do those of you with older kids say about educational matters when talking with someone about it for the first time?

Thanks in advance.

-M

I tend to use phrases like "better fit" and "asynchronous development"... if it comes up. I tend to avoid the topic unless I know that I'm among other parents of GT kids.

If they ask what school/grade your child will be in next year, just be matter of fact and say he's going to be in XYZ school (no need to mention gifted) or nth grade. Then change the topic to their kids by asking about them.

I've never seen that Hoagies article CFK. All the rules are great, and #1 is especially useful in that post-testing fog.

Unfortunately in this case it will come out at some point due to the structure of the program. It would feel disingenuous of me to use evasive maneuvers against those who will only find out through the grapevine anyway. Though that strategy would at least make me seem more modest, if less like a confidant, and certainly less like a dork as when I get flustered. It has been easy up to this point to keep quiet, which is more my nature anyway. But now I feel the need to find a way to talk simply, succinctly, and graciously about the matter. When I rehearse in my mind I say a sentence or two about how great our local school is, about DS's 'uneven abilities' and about finding the 'right fit', but without the stammering-followed-by-yammering-on-and-on that I pulled on that poor mom yesterday.

CathyA's take is kind of a middle ground that appeals to me. Though the information is embedded in the name of the school, a quick question about their situation would take the pressure off of me to give more information than necessary unless pressed.

Gratified, I've been in that situation as well, one time dancing with another mom for weeks and weeks as neither of us could bring ourselves to go there or say the 'g' word. Quite comical.

We have the same sort of situation because of homeschooling. Tapdancing around it for too long makes it seem like we're ashamed or something. And as with you, it's going to come out eventually. Why hide it?

I have had my best luck with being direct and honest, but the less said the better. If I say two sentences in a row about our situation without someone asking specific questions, I know I'm talking too much.

Most people are just being polite. They don't really care. I try to keep that in mind. Short answers given with a friendly, confident smile, followed by a quick change of topic seem to go over best for me.

The confidence is key: people generally only pursue if they sense that I am uncertain about the choices we've made. And practice in front of a mirror. It helps you know when to quit talking!

I couldn't avoid questioning when DS5 started school (and private school at that) a year early, but I always felt best about how the conversation went when I responded in a way that was honest and self-assured. I think if you're confident and positive ("I considered all the options and have no doubt that this is the best fit for him" or "He's absolutely thriving there, so I know this was the right decision for us") it tends to close down further questioning. It also helps to smile and look people in the eye. Being evasive or apologetic puts you in a defensive position that only seems to egg some people on. Just my two cents.

Or ditto what Kriston just said!

This is what we do and just hope that they don't think about how old he is and decide to pursue it. If pressed, we're honest, but I'd just as soon not be pressed.

The last uncomfortable situation for me was when someone wanted to know my thoughts on enrichment and all kids being gifted. And then it went in a direction of wouldn't it be great if all kids were given enrichment and access to the same stuff as the GT kids in school. I really wasn't sure what to say that wouldn't be interpreted all wrong while still being honest.

If your child realizes you're uncomfortable talking about their giftedness, they will take from that that it's something to hide and be ashamed of. I spent years trying to hide the fact that I was gifted in large part because I picked up on the fact that adults constantly sidestepped the topic of my intelligence. So I say be confident, be honest, and be open. Sure, don't start the conversation if you think it might lead to unpleasantness, but when somebody else brings up the topic, why should you hide the fact that your child is gifted and you're doing the right thing for them? I've read that Hoagies article, and the other three rules are great, but I think Rule #1 is absolutely dead wrong.

I think it's hard to balance not seeming embarrassed about giftedness with not seeming to be bragging. I think Rule #1 is really about not looking for the approval or advice of others, and that I agree with. One of the reasons for forums like this one are because here we can share BTDT stories with and get advice from people who get it. It's hard to do that in real life sometimes.

But I also agree that giftedness should not be treated like it's a dirty little secret. My mom acted that way in her Christmas letter to friends to explain why DS8 was being homeschooled, and her friends all thought my DS8 was a troublemaker who got kicked out of school. SO not true! And that could cause real problems for DS8 and I socially if I were making the same mistake she made.

I decided that I'd rather be honest (but brief and matter-of-fact) and risk having people think I'm bragging than to have them think he's a juvenile deliquent!

I do think there's a middle ground.

It's funny, because my mom does/did the opposite. She thinks it's completely appropriate to brag to high heaven about her grandson that "needs" to be homeschooled. We run into these people and I think they expect theorems and hypothesis should be spouting out of his ears! Gotta love those grandmas.

We were on vacation recently and had dinner with different groups people we don't really see on a regular basis and don't really know our kids at all. We got pulled aside several times about the kid's behavior/vocab/precociousness. It was interesting. I think we still live in denial about 98% of the time.

I think there is a middle ground and you're right on about most people not really caring and are just making conversation. I'll walk down the road of talking GT if people keep asking. And a lot of the people who pursue it turn out to be dealing with their own GT issues or at least know something about the world of GT kids. I'm honest about it, but don't go into great detail unless led there.