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I don't see the problem with dabbling as long as children understand that if you pay for a certain number of lessons,they need to to try it for a certain amount of time. DD7 is not big on her dance lessons right now but she'll finish up the session and can try something else when dance is finished.
I like to give my kids a choice in the sports they do. If they want to quit they need to wait until the season is over. My kids are 7 & 9. I try not to push them but instead nudge them along. If they want to be better at a sport then they could practice more and that would feel good. I want them to learn to please them selves and feel successful. I'm trying to focus on their effort more than the outcome.
I would suggest if you are conserned about what is happening in sports have a talk with her. It may help both of you understand and think about things in a different way.
When we were spending more time in tears or unhappiness than enjoyment, we told DC that we would take a break after xx amount of time (usually, like inky and OTGmom, the amount of tuition we committed already). During this time, we still tried and usually there were more tears. But it really helped DC to know that there were lights at the end of the tunnel and so they were a bit more upbeat. After a period of break, sometimes we returned to the activity, sometime we never did. With the concept of "taking a break," DC also know that they have the option to return should they choose.
We have been worrying about what kind of message quitting would send to the children.... Then we thought about our own childhood. From the kids' persepective, what kind of message are we sending if we know they are miserable but don't try to change it?
For us, we try to choose our battles--the essentials (math) they can take their time but cannot quit, the fun (swimming, piano) we let them quit if they are truly miserable. The bottom line is, when they are miserable, we (parents) are miserable too. Not to mention, when they grow up, often they will remember these miserable moments. We have a cousin, who is an accomplished pianist, but hated every minute of it. As soon as she left for college, she rarely ever touch the piano again....
Have a talk with your DD. Maybe the problem isn't the sport itself but the coach? pool? other kids? And if her interest really has changed, as you probably know already.... some of these activities have trial classes for free. Does your city's (or sometimes nearby cities) have Park and Rec department? Many of the courses offered are great as "trial" classes and at much reasonable price. Sometimes, they even provide supplies (balls, instruments) so that you don't have to buy them up front.
She tries something, does well, and moves on to something else. This might just be what she needs to do in order to find out her true passion. I think 8 is a perfect age to dabble. Yes some kids might be really good at the first thing that they try, but it doesn't mean that this is the thing that they love the most or the only thing they are good at. I'd say, if you can afford, let her try different things for a while and see whether she gravitates toward certain areas. Sticking to something is good in that the kid will have focus and is likely to do well. But it also means less time to discover a possible "true" passion in something else.
My DS9 also has many interests and also excels at many things. Recently he started focusing on music and chess, so we let him decide what other activites he wants to drop and let him choose more chess and music activities. I think whether quitting is OK really depends on the reason behind it.
I also don't arrange for my two kids to do the same activities out of convenience, I think lots of parents do it but this would not help the younger kid develop his/her own identity. My two kids are fairly different in their interests so I try to give my younger one more room so that she will develop her own interests independently of her brother's. Easier said than done, though, the money and time that parents put in kids activities can get pretty scary.
We have a cousin, who is an accomplished pianist, but hated every minute of it. As soon as she left for college, she rarely ever touch the piano again....
"I play tennis for a living even though I hate tennis, hate it with a dark and secret passion and always have." So writes Andre Agassi in his new autobiography, Open, published this week.
All this pressure clearly built up a sense of resentment inside the budding tennis star, so he simply maintained the image to keep his endorsements.
"I hit a big wall," he said. "I lost desire, lost interest and lost inspiration. I got disinterested in tennis."
That's when the drugs started. He was in such a bad way that he was looking for anything to help him get past the hardships. "My decision (on whether to take crystal meth) was why not? Can't feel any worse.
Up to this point, she has dabbled in areas of interest, and always felt like she could do more than the class was offering.
But now, she is starting to feel pressure and she doesn't like it.
This sort of makes it sounds as though she's dissatisfied both ways - when she is challenged and when she is not challenged. I think more clarification in a couple of areas would be helpful:
Did she win everything in the 8 and under category? Has she ever lost? How does she generally deal with losing? What the schedule for participation in this activity like? What is the level of competition? For example, how big is your district? Do the older kids typically go on to compete at the college level? Division I?
I just don't think it's clear what's going on here.
Maybe there is a lot of pressure. If it's real maybe she should quit. If it's self-imposed, maybe this is a learning opportunity.
If there's not a lot of pressure, maybe she does need to suck it up for the convenience of the family.
My children both dislike doing the piano. I couldn't care less. They are good at it and I think the lesson that consistent practice = progress is very valuable and not easy to demonstrate to young children. However, much as they say they dislike it, they consider it an inconvenience. It doesn't cause them any real distress and I think this is very healthy. Everyone has to do things they don't like and a healthy person should be able to deal with it.
But...if you daughter is practicing everyday and dealing with rushing to practices and showering in a noisy locker room and having to bundle up in the cold...well, that could legitimately be too much for an 8 y.o.
Master of None: You are a super mom! How do you fit in all these activities?! Hope you find time for yourself now and then to relax and recharge your battery!
Dh and I face a similar but different issue with our son (almost 11.) He tries lots of activities and enjoys them for a limited amount of time. He always does well at them until suddenly he has no interest in progressing any further in the material/skills. It isn't a case that the skills suddenly need more practice or are a challenge. It is just that after a year maybe 2, he feels he has learned enough from the instructor and doesn't want to do it anymore.
In conversation, he says that he just wants to be left alone to try things the way he sees them in his head and not have to do everything exactly like the instructor/coach tells him. He says that school is bad enough, he doesn't want more do as I say in his fun time. He said that he just feels like all his thoughts get jammed up behind a wall and whatever activity just isn't fun anymore.
I hate to see him give up on activities that he has really enjoyed. On the otherhand, he struggles so much to keep it together and do what his teachers want in school, that more of the same out of school seems unfair.
She could quit now and then go back to it in a few years when the practices would include more extended swimming and some of the other kids have improved.
Honestly, if she's frustrated about not getting ENOUGH exercise from it why put her (and you) through it?
There's nothing wrong with doing something until you develop a baseline set of skills and then moving on. She needed to learn how to swim and she did.
What is the age difference between DD and DS? Is there any chance that DD can join DS while he is practicing? This will avoid DD waiting for an hour and will allow her to get more exercise. Just a thought.
Our rule for our kids was that they stick out the sports season or series of sessions (dance/piano). We wouldn't let them leave a team in the middle of a season (except once when we pulled D1 from a team because of poor academic performance). And we insisted that they do something musical at least into the early high school years (but piano, an instrument, choir were all okay, whatever they wanted to do).
But after the season or session was over, it was pretty much their call. Once they get to high school there are SO MANY different things pulling at their time (and new opportunities like speech, debate, quiz bowl, etc.), our bigger problem was convincing them to drop some things so their lives and ours were sane. We were much more savvy about this with D2, so we were able to avoid overcommitting her in middle school. So the increase in energy required for high school sports and activities is managable for her.
I never consider the expense for travel/offseason teams an investment that I have to get a return on in the future. The one exception is if a sport required very expensive equipment. The one time one our kids did that, we discussed that they really had to stick with the sport for at least 2 seasons if we were going to put up that kind of money for equipment. Same with musical instrument purchases.
Once she really finds her passion, she likely won't "quit while she's ahead". I say let her dabble if she wants to.
Hi Master of None, If you are interested in how to best develop your DD's swimming talent this book by Dr. Alan Arata "Parent's Guide to Swimming" may be of interest to you - it has helped me a lot.
Age 8 is still very young for swimming and there are many years ahead (as Dr. Arata will also point out) - so truly developing their love for swimming for the long-term is the key at this age.
If the family issue is more on how to develop one of the many talents that your DD has so she learns life lessons in the process (that is what it is about, after all), then from your description of your DD at this time, swimming may or may not necessarily be the right activity to teach such lessons. Hard to say from just reading, but, surely, at 8, it does not hurt to take a break and come back few months later and that does not brand them as a quitter, since at the earlier ages, it's good to explore their different potential passions anyways, and there is the limitations of their young, small bodies, energy, time etc etc.
You will be amazed that even a year or two later, your DD will likely show more initiation and focus. So many factors can impact how an 8-yr old thinks and view activities. By 10 or 11, kids start to better develop their sense of self and what they want to do. (I caveat by saying, in the end, it depends on the child and their development).
I think it is good that you want to teach her the lessons of perseverance, consistent hard work etc. Best of luck! I"m sure you will get it right.
BTW: I do agree having child good at everything can be a challenge - the challenge becomes, what do you start to limit or de-prioritize, especially when everything that they do becomes higher level and more demanding, yet what do they give up? We face that right now, with my DD9 - I feel that there is not enough time in the day or week (in her case, it is year-around swimming, competitive tennis, violin performances and academics.) Hard to figure out as a parent, what is the right approach to support and/or manage all these, especially if you have other children and their separate interests.
Have you considered dance? If your dd has expressed any interest in ballet, it is an interesting combination of extreme physical training & reaching for high artistry (serious intellectual challenge, frankly, in both learning how to do steps as well as why to do them...) Furthermore, hardly anybody ever tells you you've done well...(lol!)
The kids I see at the studio are those kids who can't sit still (need to move) unless they're engrossed in a book/conversation most folks would consider way above their age level....
One word of caution about dance, I think it may be the most consuming of all the activities a child can take up. I know several dancers who gave up every other outside activity in middle school due to dance. Lots of sports are demanding, but (at least in our community) dance seemed crazy demanding at a fairly young age. I'm sure there are positive aspects to it, but if your D also thrives on a variety of activities in her life, it might not be the best fit.
It's wonderful that you talked to the assistant coach. Communication can be so important. Kids this age, however smart they are, are still kids, and they often can't accurately perceive and describe their feelings. Your daughter is such an achiever. My DS9 is the same. Even though other people look at him and marvel how much this little kid can do, he chooses to focus on what he is not so good at and feels frustrated. My friends have been telling me that it's really important that I help him relax and put things in perspective. We are working on it.
That is funny. There is so much going on inside these kids heads that they don't tell us... Yesterday I sat D14 down to talk about some test score results and some recent info I learned indicating she may have a Nonverbal Learning Disability. She heard me out, then laughed. She said, "Yes, I researched my scores, and I knew that is what it meant. Here is what I learned about it..." Turns out that she figured this out MONTHS before I did, but didn't tell me. *eyeroll* Sometimes we just need to ask them more questions, I guess.
Intparent and master of none, I totally agree about the dancing! VERY time consuming and the more they get into it, the more $$! Don't know what I was thinking when I signed ds4 up for tap those many years ago... But he really isn't drawn to anything else in the same way, so we stick with it.
Glad to hear you got to the bottom of the issue with swimming, however ~
Austin, this is really funny, reminds me of the German biathlete, female, very beautiful, SUPER fast skier, but kind of 'meh' when it comes to stopping and shooting. Apparently when you miss a shot you have to ski more laps ~ she ends up skiing way longer distances than the other skiers but STILL ends up winning medals. (German Ski team really wants her to join them, lol!)
DD8 can do pretty much anything she sets her mind to. She is a good athlete, student, social, artistic, and musical. Up to this point, she has dabbled in areas of interest, and always felt like she could do more than the class was offering.
But now, she is starting to feel pressure and she doesn't like it. She had the district championships for swimming, and I didn't see her smile, not even when I gave her junk food. She beat the other children her age, but not those older. Yet, she wasn't happy. Said she just doesn't enjoy it, hates when people compliment her on her swimming. She is highly competetive, but shy, and loves to push herself to the limits. Her team at 8 is laid back and noncompetetive, which she hasn't been happy with either. I expected that since she had the chance to push at the swim meet, she would be in heaven. She has been waiting a while for the "last meet" when she could quit. So, she focused on one area, got really good, and is ready to quit.
master of none, I know this issue was resolved, and I'm reading this late, but I wanted to comment. Is your DD still swimming?
I wanted to contribute a few things to this discussion, regarding sports. Pursuit of excellence, stick-to-itness, and use of intensive focus may not be the best things for your particular child. Participating in a sport can also teach other valuable things, like have fun, try new things, fail, fail, fail and be okay, fail and be inspired. Also, when you work with others towards a goal the goal is a group goal with group effort and requires a certain amount of agreement that you can't be in control of everything and you can't do everything your way.
I mention these things in the spirit of encouraging someone with a strong tendency towards perfectionism and a cohabitating big inner critic to loosen up and have fun.
Swimming is one of those sports where you jump in the pool and it's just you staring at that red line at the bottom, working, working, working. Every practice, every competition, it's you and the red line. Burn out happens in swimming!
Sure, there are Olympians out there, but they are stand outs. Like gymnasts, swimmers may peak before age 18 and burn out as elites before going to college. This is not an enviable track.
The more sports the better for some (many) kids. One sport ever is a big accomplishment for some kids, but many sports all through childhood is best for others. If a child goes to a smaller high school, and they have above average ability, they can do multiple sports in high school.
These days, there is such pressure to pick a sport and do it year round by age 10. That's not good for kids. There are only 5 starting spots on the basketball team, for example, so kids attending a large public high school probably have been doing year round basketball camps for years prior to making the high school team. The rest of us have the priviledge of diversifying, cross training, and enjoying our participation, exercise, and game playing. Kids doing sports at age 8 may not ever do high school sports, anyway.
I'm not talking to you directly - you sound like you have this all in hand - I just wanted to post this about sports in general. (How wonderful your DD is into every thing!)
Except for gymnastics and swimming, most Olympians do lots of sports as kids.
(I dismount my soapbox, here.)
Last edited by seablue; 01/10/1112:03 PM. Reason: goofed up the quote
