Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS9 and problems with school

I was wondering if someone could give me some advice. My DS9 is going through some changes affecting his school work, his attitude and our relationship. He is a great kid but lately he constantly argues with me whenever I ask him to do anything (especially homework). Mind you, he has triplet brothers who just turned 6 and a DS2. But he has finally told me that he just is not liking school (the stimulation of a new year and new teachers can only last so long - I knew it would be coming soon). They have a G&T program (not near what he needs!)and they just changed it so now he is only getting a book club and a debate club(WHERE'S THE MATH AND SCIENCE????). Plus they use Everyday Math which he just can't stand because of the repetition and because he is just plain bored and wants MORE. He is done with the math sheets before the teacher is done explaining the lessons. The problem is this: he is not performing well on his math tests or on his homework assignments. He makes a lot of mistakes on his tests and homework and with Everyday Math you have to explain how and why and well it's not his strong point (along with writing). He also is constantly forgetting homework at home and forgetting that assignments are due. He's just so disorganized and no matter how many times I try to organize him it all ends up looking like the result of a tornado. I have been butting heads with the school for two years now and it just depends on the teacher and this math teacher does not want to give him different work because she says that he can't do well now with what he is given nor can he explain how he gets his answers written or orally. He is also being pointed out for not paying attention in class (I knew it was going to happen soon enough). I feel like it's another wasted year as where this teacher doesn't understand him to give him what he needs (and it doesn't seem she deems it necessary)or as with last year a teacher who just didn't have time to individually work with him. Another problem is the "I don't care attitude and it doesn't matter anyways because you always want me to be perfect!!" My patience and understanding is growing thin and especially when I have 4 other little one's needs to fulfill as well. Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with my son and the teachers? I would REALLY appreciate it.

Where are you located? Does your state have a strong regulations protecting gifted learners? Is he in a public/charter/private school? Has he been identified by the school as gifted?

I wonder if they would agree to give him above-level testing or perhaps a series of achievement tests. He obviously is not well placed and his needs are definitely not being met.

Hi Jules,

I am struggling with this but not yet to this level, my DS8 is in second grade and he is a "rule follower" so we are not having any problems at school (which of course makes the school think he is just fine) but he just completely decompensates when he gets home. Math is our issue as well, just zero challenge, and I am already starting to see how he is just completely underachieving and zoning out - he doesn't pay attn. to his work and makes silly mistakes or just doesn't care enough.

Hang in there and I would push for above grade testing. Have you had him do any achievement or talent search type testing? We just did the SCAT and while it is just a step in the process, the results have already made the school sit up and take a bit of a notice, and now we have a meeting that will be with the principal and his teacher, and I may request the G/T coordinator as well. The principal says she has some ideas re: how to engage and challenge him and I look forward to hearing what she has to say (although I am a bit skeptical).

Good luck, Cat

Oh Dear! I think I could have wrote this! He was excited at 6, withdrawn but still cooperative at 7 and at 8 he was angry. "I just don't care". He had been asking for more math, very vocally for 6 months. After multiple meetings with teachers and a eval with a gifted psych, we were told 'without serious accomodation for math, he'll need therapy and medication to stay there'. His acheivement scores were really high. This is a full time gifted program with one year of math acceration. 90% sure we're going to pull him for homeschooling. He's an awesome kid and I don't want that to completely disappear. I found it really helpful, to call around to different school districts in the area and private gifted schools to find out what others were doing in the area for the gifted groups. Good luck!

Thank you so much for your responses. We live in NJ (and he goes to a public school) and their definition of gifted is VERY broad and now a school wide enrichment program can actually qualify as a G&T program (nice huh?). My son is a great kid at school and the teachers have always loved having him in class. He was identified as gifted in 2nd grade through the WISC IV test and well exceeded the criteria for the G&T program. And at the time he was the only one in the program for his grade (his 1st grad teacher definitely thought he should be tested but was afraid he would miss out on the social aspects as a 1st grader - what did I know then! So in 2nd grad he had a great teacher who did some differentiation and he also had the G&T teacher to himself (another child started a little later in the year) once a week. But once third grad hit all he got was some accelerated math homework (which his teacher did on her own but was very time consuming for her). And half the time the G&T pullout was cancelled. But still a wasted year with always hearing "I don't want to go to school". And just to make a long story short - last year they asked for parents to be on a G&T parent advisory committee. We worked over a year trying to design a program which would benefit the identified kids through acceleration, other kids with differentiation and the children as a whole with differentiated educational enrichment programs - while researching everything we could about what works best for gifted kids. Well we were used to roll out their new "Academically Talented Enrichment Program" and we were fighting to keep whatever little we had left for the identified kids. So we are left with a book club and a debated team and a math folder that I had to beg for that the kids can work on on their own when they are done with their class work. I have fought all the way up to the administration - who we worked with on the committee and I know maybe too well and have learned that in some towns the pricipals really don't have a say (and ours wouldn't help anyways). So unfortunately, any other kind of testing or scores does not make a bit of difference to them. There are no gifted schools and had looked into private schools but again there wasn't much more offered in the way of acceleration. As for homeschooling, my son would be even more miserable. Socially, he has a lot of friends and enjoys his time with them - trust me, I would be on his(well I have a not so nice word but I'm not sure all would appreciate it). I did tell him that he had to start trying more on his regular work before I would ask for more advanced work for him. So we made a deal and we'll see how it goes. However, with the lack of support from the school, it is the same for friends of mine with kids on the other end as well - if you are not identified as Special Ed then you are pretty much on your own. I'm not sure how to deal with this and many of us are so frusturated on all ends. If anyone has any other suggestions on how to deal with the district (as I've already gone as high as I can with the administration and the cringe when they see my face and another G&T child's moms face) I would love to hear what has worked for you. Is there someone higher to go to? Thanks so much to listening to my rambling on. And it's scaring me that I'm starting to see the things happen to my son that you read about now that he is getting older. It definitely seems to be more serious and I feel this could be a changing point for him as to which direction he will go . Thanks for the support.

Jules

I am so so so crabby with NJ and their lack of attention to G/T kids. I think I could start an amazing homeschool group with the number of people I have heard from/about with G/T kids in NJ who are being completely ignored or failed by the schools.

My son is the same way, he loves the social aspect of school and would be upset if he was homeschooled (not a real option for us right now anyway). But it is so sad to watch the kids just being beaten down by the education they are receiving.

Jules, I PM'ed you.

Cat

Thank you so much for the advice. I really think that it would be a great idea to let him take on the responsibilities along with the rewards and consequences. It is so hard to not always be on a child who is disorganized, constantly forgets things and gets off track so easily. But this is something that I will work on. As for finding something for him to do that he enjoys - this is going to be on top of my priority list. Our life has been crazy and I really haven't gotten to put much effort into him and what he needs. As we know they are mature in some ways beyond their years but in other ways they are still just kids - hard to remember sometimes . I do have to remember that school is not fun and I think his preteen behavior lately is a result of that.

I just want to say that I am so glad I found this forum. The support is so needed and appreciated. Once again thanks for the wonderful advice.

Jules

I hear you. My DS9 was exactly like that a couple of years ago: math was incredibly boring, finished assignment before teacher finished instruction, but was careless and made very simple mistakes, just didn't want to do school work because it was beneath him. He got so much trouble at school. The teacher was amazingly indifferent to his needs and tried to put him down all the time. I was inexperienced at the time. I asked DS to try the best he could to follow teacher's instructions, without giving him much real help. After a while I realized that it was the teacher's problem, so I started telling DS that I understood him. We had lots of conversations, on what he needed, what the school environment is like, why he is bored at school, why the teacher had to focus on the lowest common denominator... And about how I coped when I was a kid (my school had nothing for me, but my teachers all allowed me to read books while others worked on math assignments). I think once DS realized that I was on his side, and he was not a trouble maker as his second grade teacher told him, he felt more confident and was willing to work hard on the situation. Things got better later on, we've got better teachers, DS is willing to do school assignments well (he is the best with Everyday Math assignments and he is the best in math competitions), and then the teacher is willing to leave him alone so he can read a book or do some math problems that he brings to school himself. And I think I'm also more assertive when I interact with the teachers.

So basically I think the key is to tell your DS that you understand him and you are on his side. And let him understand that he needs to be mature about his school situation and try to change it to his own benefit, instead of simply being defiant, which makes him feel good maybe but really doesn't get him anywhere. It's tough for little kids, they really shouldn't be arranging for their own learning environment, it says so much about a school or a district's failure. But if a kid can do this, I think it will be a good character building experience.

Sorry about the late response but such good advice and thank you because it is totally the way I need to approach the situation. A few days ago I posted a thread about my conversation with his teacher and she made me feel exactly the way you described she would. I then thought it was all his fault. So glad for this forum . Thanks again!

Jules