Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Perfectionism / "too hard" / fear?

How much does perfectionism play into a child saying that something is "too hard," and has a difficult time trying new things? Is it a fear of failure? Plain fear? My DS seems to be very good at everything he will try; but it is like pulling teeth to get him to do so. Any comments/suggestions in helping get him(/us) through this. We are extremely supportive of him; but we canot understand his mentality. Books for me to read are always good as well. Thanks.

Our DS8 doesn't seem to suffer "perfectionism," at least as I understand it. After all, he's quite content turning in mediocre work for class.

But get him to try something new? Nope. No Way. Not unless he knows that he won't have to "try" or "practice." (Or... unless it is a new on-line game. But that's a whole different topic.)

We also notice a difference when the suggestion/opportunity comes from his teacher. We've cautioned the teacher, however, against making something optional, or DS will almost always opt out. If we suggest something that even remotely resembles learning or character building, the feet dig in and that's that.

I'm quite interested to read what others have to say. Maybe some helpful suggestions will come along.

Thanks for chiming in, Ladies. (lol, Dandy. DS is the same about video games) I wish I could convince him how great he is; our encouraging him only helps rarely. I sure would like to tell him something to just fix it.

We have this problem with DS7. What happens for him is that he reaches a point of perfection, that is he completes something that he does really well. To move forward requires that he leave the spot where he is "perfect" and move forward to the unknown.

We spend a lot of time reassuring him that the process is more important than the end result. The one thing that has really helped is science. Because the nature of discovery demands many failures, he is beginning to gain a different perspective.

We have tried to give examples of things he had to try before doing them well...walking, running, painting (hated getting it on his hands - but now is one of his favorite things to do), video games; although he looks thoughtful when he hears me mention these things, his answer is almost always a whiney "no." Maybe I need better examples.:)

DD6 is a perfectionist, who is very afraid of trying new activities or taking to the next level with existing activities.

1. I agree that we do try to remind her of her previous fear of trying (for example) gymnastics and how much fun she is having now.

2. We often sit with her while she observes the new activity and/or situation. Ask her what are her concerns and questions, and address them accordingly. This seems to ease her mind, but not always change her mind.

3. Sometimes, we show her video clips (found on web, mostly youtube) or read books about the new activity/situation.

4. For the activities she loves and enjoys already, we try to praise her for trying rather than the end-result. We also try to drill the concept of "strive for excellence and not perfection." I must admit, this is easier said than done/understand by the child.

5. We see if DD's best friend(s) can join the same activity... having a good buddy sometimes work wonders.

6. For games like Chess and Scribble or puzzles, we just leave the game open in our family room (or wherever DC spent most amount of time). Sooner or later, DC would either start playing or be curious. One down side though: One time DC took 6 wooden puzzles apart and mixed all the piece, and promptly hid a couple of pieces for treasure hunt. Unfortunately, this set of puzzles did not come with solutions and the treasure hunt did not have a map. LOL!

Hope these tips helps...
Mag

Those are great tips. Thank you!