Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion rollercoaster emotions and upsetting comment today

I have seen quite a few posts on here about GT kids and dealing with OE's and perfectionism but today DS7 said something that made me stand up and take notice of how we all have been handling my little guys OE's.

Today we went to a homeschool math games meetup where basically a group of kids bring their favorite math boardgames and they all play whatever they want. He did a great job playing Pay Day with someone and then taught someone how to play River Crossing and then he saw a boy setting up Mouse Trap - which he loves. This particular child was older and autistic and had his own way of playing the game which was very upsetting to DS7 because he is very specific about following the rules and moving the game along. Throughout the game DS7 got upset and came across rude at times because the other child was taking so long or had trouble counting the correct number of spaces and I could tell the child's mother was not too happy with my little guy. He didn't say anything specifically mean he was just a bit too pushy and impatient and he was frustrated. His frustration started to mix with other emotions as the game progressed and I tried to step in a few times to help him from losing his cool. With his emotions at times they seem completely irrational to others....he can be super happy when he is happy or super angry when he is angry and today he was over the top frustrated and then many days he is just the typical kid. He feels really bad when he has upset someone or hurt their feelings after the fact but when he is in the midst of dealing with an emotion or situation he doesn't seem to be able to see how he is acting...if that makes any sense? The other boy had no idea that my son was saying or doing things that might have been considered rude by another child but I was a little upset at DS7 for acting the way he was towards another child.

When we got into the car at the end of the game time I talked to him about what occured and I tried to help him understand how his actions/words might have come across to another child and that I know it can be difficult at times but that he needed to think of other's feelings. He got very upset and made a comment I have never, ever heard come out of his mouth before and it really caught me off guard and really broke my heart...he said he wished he had never been born. I was taken aback and was lost for words. I have no idea where he had heard that phrase before or if he heard it somewhere else or what. I asked him to explain what he was feeling and he said he was tired of not being understood and that he wished things weren't so hard for him and that he felt so different some times. He said he didn't mean to act the way he did, he was just upset with the other boy for not playing the game the right way. I asked him if he knew what that sentence meant and that it made me concerned to hear that he was so unhappy and then of course went on to explain how much I loved him.

I tried to talk to him again about it later and he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. The rest of the day was just as normal as peach pie and he was happy and bouncing around the rest of the evening. When I spoke to DH about it and told him I was concerned that DS7 would say such a thing, he didn't seemed phased by it at all.....has anyone else had a child say such a comment? How would you handle the situation? I know that things are different for him and I try so darn hard to help him deal with that but many times I feel over my head!

Hi Belle, yes we have had this before! My DS7 was going through a rough patch with school and friendships last year and said those exact words to me. I was so upset and worried about his feelings and DH and I spent a lot of time trying to talk to him about it, but by the next day he just said to me that he didn't mean it and he said it because he was frustrated. He has since skipped two grades and is a different child, so much more confident and happier.

I also think that at this age they are testing boundaries and possibly also feeling insecure (especially if they are feeling different to other children) - I think that you have dealt with it perfectly as you have re-affirmed your love for him and he knows that he can always go to you with any problems. Try not to worry

In dealing with some of my similar statements of frustration as a child, my mom would encourage me by affirming her love, as you have done, and also by assuring me (and showing me references, such as the examples below) of God's specific care and good plans for me. I do this for my DD7 and DS5 now, hoping that they will accept encouragement coming from an even higher authority than their parents. (: (I'm not trying to be overly "religious" in this post, just sharing what has helped in our family...)

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 139:13-14 (King David's words to God)
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Thank you guys for helping me....I just could not sleep a wink last night because I just could not get ever what he said :-( This morning he was up and full of beans - I am glad to hear that others have gone through this...I guess I have just never heard a young child ever say something so grown up. Thanks for all the comments, they make me feel so much better

I wonder if it might be the age and not your specific child? My DD7 goes through this, it can be the worse day of her life and the best day of her life in the span of ten minutes. When it's the "worse" day of her life she will often say something like that. I just reassure her that we are very greatful that she was born and that we love her very much. These are often times when she is frustrated as well, often with math facts or some other simple thing that she perceives herself as failing in. She tend to think she should automatically know everything or control everything around her which just isn't the case. I have to remind her of this frequently. You are not alone.

Wait until you get the "I hate you" They know the power of words. For once this is age appropriate and typical behavor.

My son is also a perfectionist who can be very impatient with other kids who aren't doing things "right." One of my new mantras is "it's more important to be kind than to be right." I've also caught DS trying to hide or talk his way out of his own mistakes, at which point I remind him "it's better to be honest than right." I've read recently that many perfectionists see being "perfect" or "doing things right" as a path to approval and acceptance (by themselves and others), so I'm trying to open my son's eyes to other pathways to acceptance, including being kind and honest. If nothing else, I want him to know that narrowly focusing on being "right" at the expense of other virtues won't win him any praise from me. Too soon to say whether this is having any effect, but his mental wheels do seem to be turning...

My son says the exact same thing. He even says he wishes he was dead sometimes. When I first heard it, I was shocked, and obviously concerned. Once the emotional moment passes, my son acts perfectly normal. He'll even say to me sometimes, "you know when I said ____, well I didn't really mean it, but it IS how I felt at the time." I think it just comes from feeling the emotions so intensely when they are in the moment. Sometimes my son will say he wishes I wasn't his mom any more. But, again, he says later he didn't mean it. I tell my son that it's normal to feel that way sometimes and that we all have fleeting moments of feeling that we wish we were never born. I also talk to him about this feelings a lot and we discuss how it makes other people feel. We're working on controlling the words that come out of his mouth. With my ds6, there's a very short circuit between his brain and his mouth. I think every thought he has had in his life has been voiced aloud. I would see your son's statement for what it probably is...he's expressing a single thought that ran through his mind in a moment of stress, frustration, anger. Of course if you were to see signs of depression, etc, you'd want to investigate further, but in the absense of any depression or ongoing sadness, I'd not worry too much. Just support him and let him know it's ok to feel the way he does. My son is a major perfectionist, and he's got a very strong sense of justice. If rules are not being followed, he can't stand it. He feels the need to set things right. I know it's so upsetting to hear your little guy say things like that about himself. It kills me too, but I don't think it's a true reflection about how they feel about themselves in general.

I could have written Jen's post above. We have had every bad thing you can possibly imagine come out of DS7's mouth at one time or another, and some repeatedly. "I wish I had never been born", "I wish my sister had never been born" (more understandable brother behavior, LOL), "I wish I was dead", "I wish I had another mom (or dad or sister or family)", everything you can think of, and just as Jen says, every thought he's ever had comes out of his mouth sometime.

I do like "it's better to be kind than right"--I think I'm going to adopt that and see what happens!

I'll cite my mom again. Her pithy wisdom on this subject is "It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice." She used it with my sister and me, and now I use it with my kids.

When one of my kids takes the drama queen position, I remind myself of their extreme natures, their sensitivities. To them it really does feel right that second like they'd rather be dead or that they wish they'd never been born. When they're mad at a playmate, they really do hate them and feel that they're not friends anymore.

It's part of the learning process. As long as it's fleeting (not a sign of clinical depression) and you can talk them down from it, it's just part of the GT package, I'm afraid. Rephrasing their big feelings seems to help my kids. When they say "I wish I were dead," I say "Wow, you're really unhappy. Let's talk about that."

It's hard to hear them say those sad things, but it's not at all unusual.