Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy advice needed: encouraging humility

We're having some challenges with DD8 in Grade 3 (she has an IEP, and some accommodations, including a pull-out with one other child a couple of times a week). Most school stuff is easy...and she's becoming less tolerant than I'd like of children who find the work tough. Today ended in tears and a chat with the teacher because she took it upon herself to "correct" a classmate's work and the classmate felt picked on. It was a group project, so they were supposed to confer, but I guess DD went a bit beyond that. At the same time, we're seeing a bit of a swelled head, and diminishing interest in trying things that are tough for her. Sound familiar to anyone?

Hi,
We explained over a period of time how some people are good at something (but we might not know what it is). We role played what/how to tell someone something if you think they're wrong. But have you thought out their perspective. Quite a bit of role playing on that, what if this, what if that, what would you do if this, etc etc

I think it helps in the long run.

Also, what would having humility look like to you?

Thanks, Jesse. And good question. I see humility as a kind of modesty and lack of desire to flaunt prowess. I guess my concern is that even though she's aware that kids have varying abilities in different areas, and is especially aware of the gap between her own areas of facility and of challenge, she's increasingly prone to seeing success at school as a measure of a child's worth. I'm not sure where this is coming from--although her teacher suggested that it may be because they're doing lots of group work, and she structures the groups to include high and low achievers "for balance". Instead of balance, I think this is giving my DD an inflated sense of self-worth in an academic context; totally different story on the sports field, where she compares herself to kids with lots of athletic ability (and skills they've honed over years) and wants to throw in the towel rather than compete.

A comment that made me cringe is that DD says that the "smart kids" go to enrichment...I'd love it if opportunities for academic enrichment could be built in to the curriculum without making other kids feel excluded.

I'm going to ring in a sympathy vote for your DD! It's pretty hard to balance giftedness with compassion, even for grown-ups. Gifted kids/adults tend to tell the truth as they see it, in hopes of solving a problem...whereas the more "group-aware" person may hide the truth to ease feelings.

And yet we tell out gifted kids that their giftedness is wonderful, and they shouldn't hide their light under a bushel!

Man! It takes being gifted to DEAL with being gifted!

Having said this, I don't mean to steal your thread. I would tell my DD that we always have to find the "middle way" when dealing with the equally worthy goals of displaying our giftedness vs. taking everyone's feelings into consideration. Each situation is different. I would reassure your daughter that she's still young and she's still learning, and that she can find a way to correct people without making them feel bad. No doubt she WILL be in a leadership position one day, with responsibilities over others, and will need to learn about management. I bet she would love a book about people skills, managing others etc. and would eat it up!

kcab is right on the nose - humility has to be based on something, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is getting any useful input in that department. If she's constantly working with people who aren't her intellectual peers, what can she possibly take from that besides frustration and a sense of superiority? She needs to learn to respect others, yes, and to be kind when their abilities don't match hers. But as for humility, for gifted kids, an accurate self-image can often look like an inflated one. As I've said to a couple of my friends in the past, it's only a superiority complex if you're not ACTUALLY superior.

This is so true and one of the main reasons that my DD won't continue in public school. She is getting this mentality.