Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS shared a "huge" secret with me tonight...

Ok, so my ds6 said he had a confession tonight. Here's our conversation:

DS:Mom, I have something to tell you. You know when you ask what I'm thinking about and I tell you, "nothing"? Well, I'm really thinking about something, but I just don't want to tell you.

Me: Well, that's ok. Everyone has private thoughts. You don't have to share every thought you have.

DS: I don't want to keep secrets from you, so I'd like to tell you a huge secret I've been keeping from you.

Me: Ok, you can tell me anything.

DS: My brain keeps telling me, "you need to just tell her and get it over with."

Me: Ok, I am your mom, I'm a safe a person for you to talk to. You can tell me anything, and I'll try to understand and help you with whatever you need.

DS: Sometimes, when I watch movies, I feel like I'm turning into the characters. I feel like I'm the main idea of the movie and it's really about me and going to happen to me. Like, when I watch Scooby Doo, I think I might turn into a dog. When I watched A Christmas Carol, I think something like that might happen to me. I know it's a movie, but it seems more real to me.

Me: (I'm thinking, what the hell are you talking about?) I said, "well you know movies are not real. They are just characters who are acting or animated characters, right?

DS: Yes.

Me: Those things will never happen to you just because you watch them on TV. Do you think maybe we should be a little more selective about which shows you watch for a little while since you are feeling this way?

DS: Yes, do you think I can only watch baby shows now?

Me: No we can find lots of great shows that are not scary, sad, or strange.

DS: Ok, I think that's a good idea. I feel a lot better now that I told you. Now I don't have to worry about it. I've been worried for a long time about this secret. I'm glad you know now.

Me: I'm glad you feel better. You can talk to me anytime and share any secrets you wish. I think this just has to do with how your brain is wired.

DS: Yeah, I think it has something to do with being gifted. My brain is always working really fast and thinking about a lot at once.

So, what do you think? Is this really weird, or is he just showing sensitivity to shows? I see other people posting and asking for movie, TV, and book recs for their highly sensitive children. Is that all this is, or is this super strange?

Thanks for reading. I know this was long. I'd love to know what you think.

I think he's talking about identifying with the characters. He's trying to understand the difference between imagining himself in someone else's place and actually being in their place. Maybe you could talk to him about empathy and how it's normal to identify with characters in books or movies. It doesn't mean that he is actually becoming the characters. He knows what's real and what isn't.

I think it's important to normalize his feelings. I don't think what he's experiencing is strange, but he is reflecting on it more than most kids his age would.

It does sound like he's just identifying/empathizing with the characters, which is totally normal. He's probably thinking about it afterward and imagining what it would be like if it really happened. Again, that's normal. What wouldn't be normal is if he can't remember where the boundary between reality and fantasy is--and it sounds like, even though it seems real to him, he also knows that it's a movie. Honestly, he sounds like a great kid, and I loved reading the above conversation.

I think it's great that he was able to tell you that. I'd have been so worried when he said that he had a confession though

I think that for a lot of the kids here being sensitive to movies and books and just life in general is very, very common. Maybe you make sure that he's watching only things that won't affect him so much?

My DS has issues with movies and TV too. I have to pay attention to what he's watching but more importantly for him I have to make sure he's not watching too much. It seems to do strange things to him.

This was so touching! Your son is adorable.

I think he is very sensitive (like many gifted kids) and has profound empathy that allows him to "get into" the movies he watches. It's somewhat like a musician who "becomes one" with the piece she is playing (this happens to me all the time.) In fact, it's a great feeling and one of my motivations for learning new music.

I think the subtext of his "confession" was: is this okay? Is it okay to feel this deeply, to get into movies this much? If it were my child, I would cautiously say "Yes." Gifted kids can be incredibly versatile, and can live ten lives at once. Just as long as he isn't having nightmares, I would let him watch the scarey movies, too. He sounds like he has a hunger for experience, and that's great in my book.

My DD8 has a pretend wolf tail, and will sit around the playground howling and chasing other kids for hours on end. She is also happily expecting an invitation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at age 11. Your son's imagination sounds beautiful, and as long as he can talk to you about any disturbing things he sees in movies, I think it's fine. We are a bit afraid of imagination in this culture; don't worry.

Thank you for your responses. I talked to dh about it tonight, and he said the same thing, that our son is identifying with the characters and that's what filmakers are trying to accomplish. I will continue to talk to ds about this, and I like the idea of discussing that it's ok to empathize and feel this way; in fact, it's what you're supposed to do. If he seems to understand that, I think I will worry less about censoring what he's watching and follow his lead on that. He's pretty good about communicating how he's feeling and if something is too scary or sad. He'll turn it off in a heartbeat if someone dies, if he just thinks someone might die, or if someone is mean to another person. The lip tremble is the tell-tale sign!

We did have to stop letting him watch Ghost Hunters however b/c he did have a couple of scary dreams about ghosts. Then, he swore he saw a ghost lady in our house. Yikes. I'm still not sure what to think about that one, but I do believe he saw something, and so does my dh. He started to get a little preoccupied with that whole topic, so we cut it off, and now it's not an issue. I know, probably not a great show for a kid, but he seemed to really get into the science and technology behind ghost hunting.

I WAS nervous when he said he had a HUGE secret. Scared me to death! I'm still not sure why he didn't think it was ok to feel this way. Thanks again for your insight. As always, extremely helpful!

Yes, the secret thing would scare me, too. In fact, I have one friend who would not let her child "keep secrets" for fear of the child being taken advantage of by anyone malicious.

I'm guessing in your son's case, that the "secret" is because this was an emotional issue. As we all know, most men and boys (not all) guard their emotions more carefully. Your son felt vulnerable, but what is nice that he entrusted you with this "secret."

I�d like to echo the sentiments of previous posters. Your son is fortunate to have you as a sympathetic/understanding sounding board (Go mom!). I had similar feelings/thoughts as your son when I was younger. I also remember being scared of the intensity of my feelings as a child (particularly rage). As an adult I still have trouble compartmentalizing my �empathy.� While I understand the difference between real/imaginary, I have trouble not letting my feelings (when I imagine myself as someone else � as your son has described) impact the rest of my day. I also have trouble turning sad thoughts off (again when I�m imagining how someone else may be feeling). I attempt to filter �bad thing� that I read or hear about. I�m also very sensitive to smell. I�m not sure if this helps at all. Your story made me reflective.

I think that is awesome that your son approached you. I thought you did a great job reassuring him about private thoughts and that you are a safe person. I notice that the volume plays a huge part in what affects DS7 here. I tend to keep the volume turned down in scary parts. He 'feels' the tension more than 'sees' it. Good job Mom!

What a wonderful conversation. That poor little guy sounds so sensitive and self aware. I don't know what is normal or not for that age since my girls are younger, but it doesn't sound that strange to me. I actually feel for the little guy since he gets so caught up in things and would be careful what he sees. He is probably just empathizing I can empathize with that myself. I actually limit what I watch and read because I tend to identify so strongly. My DD 3 was so scared of the Abominable Snowman on Rudolph, then one day she said to me, "Mom, I'm OK with the Abombinable now" and that was that. I don't know how she did it, but she masterd it and I was relieved since she loves the movie.