Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy My Son being bullied Bullying - Advice please

I would like to share an email I sent to my son's class teacher and the reply, and wonder what people think of the reply and the best next step. Here goes, my email:

You recall I emailed you last week after Ben giving xxxx a hard time at Quarry Bank and he came home sobbing...well

We had an incident tonight where a group of xxxx's classmates came running up to me outside the school gate saying xxxx had been dragged to the floor by Ben and there was a fight. xxxx came out a little bedraggled, and it appears Ben was waiting for him outside the classroom to have a fight.

Yesterday xxxx came home with a bloody knee. Apparently , after some name calling" Ben took it upon himself to push xxxx to the floor and drag him along.

On Wednesday xxxx came home with a large bruise on his leg where Ben had deliberately banged into xxxx playing at "aeroplanes ramming xxxx" - this seems to be a favourite.

This is becoming a daily occurrence and it is bullying. xxxx won't tell, I have told him not to retaliate, and it is only a matter of time before he is too scared to go to school.

I have told xxxx to sort things out himself, but this has gone far enough. I am afraid somebody (xxxx) is going to get seriously hurt


teachers response:
I've just got back from my course on Child Protection and read your email....obviously I've no idea what's been going on ...but I'll find out on Tuesday!

I did speak to the boys about behaviour following your email and this has obviously had no effect. I'll have a chat with xxxx on Tuesday and find out what's been going on. xxxx isn't helping himself though as I watched him last Thursday starting a silly game and then, when it didn't quite go his way, he started to sulk. It was actually during a PE/Science lesson when he was supposed to be exercising by running on the spot - he started some silly poking game. There was also another game which he got involved in involving vampires and, again, when it didn't go his way, he was not happy.

I will have a word with the boys (and xxxx too) in the hope that we can get this sorted.

My concern is this - do people think there is a hint of my son "asking for it"? What do you think my response should be - am I being too sensitive? The teacher has said before that my son tends to get unhappy when things don't go his way. Also, the vampire game - my son got upset when the 3 boys he was playing with him started to bite him.

Wow. First wanted to say how horrible this is. I am so sorry your child is being physically assaulted and the teacher 'obviously' doesn't have a clue (either that it's happening or what to do).

First things, if you have not done already - make sure there is written documentation of each incident, the office needs to know about it, and a meeting probably needs to happen with the school and you as to concrete steps to deal with the classroom wide issue. I personally would probably call the parents of the child who is doing the one-on-one fighting, that has helped us in the past with name calling from one child.
I know some folks would disagree with contacting a kid's parents, but in my opinion most parents would want to know.

Yes, it seems clear the teacher thinks your ds is part of the problem, and in some ways that can be the case, however it doesn't excuse kids from going too far in verbal or physical bullying.
I think you have probably checked out this book, iirc:
http://www.amazon.com/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303
(I seem to recall you were interested in a previous thread on social skills books, courses, etc.) This book has some info on the child who is 'asking for trouble' and some other variations on this. Might be a place to start, anyway, if you have not checked it out.
I hang around the bus stop within earshot of my ds most of the time, especially back when he was really having issues fitting in. I found out that when confronted by other kids he would fall into a fairly rude sounding, condescending tone. During one verbal interchange where one kid said something like 'pokemon game is g*y', and my ds was firing off a pretty snotty sounding response, I stepped in and corrected everyone. To the boys being grossly mean, I said I heard what you said, that is really rude and mean, and to ds, you need to take a nicer tone! Everyone needs to be nicer to each other! I am not entirely sure, but I think seeing me correct my own ds about his tone of voice/attitude might have broken down some barrier, they are at least on adequate speaking terms now. (There were other factors too such as allowing ds to get some cool handheld video game in order to fit in / have something to do with this brain and hands )

Have you had any luck finding a social skills course for him? the more I reflect on ds' progress since taking a course this summer, the more impressed I am with it. Perhaps some is due to age, I think he has a greater understanding of when to stop going down a non-productive path (negative attention) and rethink his approach to people. Something like this could help your ds in projecting a more likable, confident self. (Part of that is of course the idea of liking one's self...is he doing ok with that?)

Last comment...I have always told my ds he is allowed to defend himself, and if he gets in a bunch of trouble, to leave it to me to sort out - I would rather go this route personally, than find out how far he can be pushed.

Hi, I agree with Chris1234 - make sure that there is written documentation of what has gone on. No-one "asks for it" and I personally think that the teacher isn't taking the situation seriously enough - I think that a simple "chat" does not appear to be doing the job! From what you have written, your son is trying to get attention and interact with the others, but is being hurt in return. Is there any way that you can escalate this (the head/someone in charge of pastoral care at school)?

I actually wouldn't be too quick to assume the teacher's going to be ineffective here. We tend to pore over every word and it's easy to interpret "have a word with" as something that won't make any difference, but I think that's premature. I'd give her a chance to deal with the situation, and escalate only if it doesn't help.

I also think there's a difference between saying that someone's asking for it - which the teacher doesn't say - and saying that they aren't helping the situation. If you are around people who like physically bullying you, it probably really isn't a good idea to start poking games with them! (Also, if you need support from teachers, it's a good idea to behave in lessons, although they, of course, ought to protect badly behaved children just as well as less well behaved ones. Still, if it were my DS, I'd be pointing out that teachers are more likely to believe that he was behaving well and the others were picking on him if the behaviour they see from him is consistently good than if it isn't.)

I have to agree with ColinsMum.
Your son is not 'asking for it', but he is contributing; it's only right that the teacher address ALL the behaviors that are contributing to your son getting bullied.

Hi Raddy,
Sorry I might have misunderstood your message - I thought that you had approached the teacher and she had spoken to the boys already, and then the bullying happened again. I would not suggest "escalating" the complaint if she hadn't had a chance to deal with it first. If however she has tried to deal with it (with limited success) I would try an alternative route (someone in charge of pastoral care, or as MON suggests a guidance counselor would be perfect).

I feel strongly that there is no place for bullying in school and you need to nip it in the bud before it becomes a big issue.

We were recently in a similar situation and had to go to the teacher to deal with it. DS's teacher said that the other boy was just trying to be friends with DS but he didn't know how to make friends nicely, so resorted to hitting and in our case, pulling people off the back of ladders on the playstructure. DS was dealing strictly with physical bullying though, no words or taunts. I actually felt his teacher went too far the other directions- banning both boys from being near or speaking to each other at school, unless in her room supervised.

She did suggest in some ways that DS had "asked for it" by being the smartest in class and told me that we'll have to find a way to teach him to deal with it. I hated hearing that but at the same time, it needed to be said. This is likely not a one time situation and we have to step up and teach DS how to advocate for himself.

Our school has a no tolerance policy for violence. If any child hits, even in defense, they are supposed to be suspended. So we've gone a different route and practiced at home. He has 3 steps- 1) ask the child to stop 2) scream and make a scene- STOP TOUCHING ME RIGHT NOW 3) Get an adult- not a whine, not a tattle but "We need an adult to help resolve ____"

It's worked much better. He is getting more confident and isn't just taking it anymore.

Wow, does this sound like my neighborhood! We've done this for so many years now, I dread school starting for the bus stop behavior and I dread summer for putting them all together all day long! DS7 is short on social skills (recently determined to have some Asperger's) and most of the other kids he plays with are ...unruly? ...rambunctious? ...err brats? So we have a lot of those discussions.

I think it sounds like yours may be a bit short on the social skills as well, from the "not helping himself" remark and the descriptions of classroom behavior--that comment is something our last year's teacher would have said, and she is truly great. So your teacher may prove to be what you need for the situation as well. Good luck--I know we need some, too!

No one should ever not feel safe. It is our jobs as adults to provide and environment where growth can occur. My son is also on of the odds ones who pokes and such to get attention. Some of it is normal behaviors for learning boundries, but what is happening to your son goes beyond. Let the teacher work on it for a while and see what happens. She will be watching for behaviors by all the boys, so be prepared to find out what yours is doing too.