Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 4 year old says she is pretending not able to read

Hey there - I am relatively new to the board. I have a son (8) who is, what I am just realizing, "twice exceptional" and now a daughter (4 adopted from China) who scored 143 on her WPPSI last week. My son is a completely different story so I will leave that alone for this subject. But, my daughter told me tonight that in pre-school they learned the letter D and that she "just pretends [she] can't read the words." Let me just say... this baby has begged me to teach her to read since she was 2. I put it off until she was 3 because I figured she was just trying to be like her big brother (and also I was in deep with his issues). Reluctantly I began to teach her sounds (she already had all the letters). So, she has been reading beginner books since 3 and is now one probably a level 3-4?? I don't know. I just know that she can read VERY well for a 4 year old and that she is pretending not to for pre-school. I tried to have her placed in a JK program instead of the pre-K because of her apparent abilities, but they assured me she would be better off "socially" in this age group. She loooooves school so that is not the issue. How do I explain to her that she doesn't have to pretend... that even if she gets it wrong she is still a very unique? I've dealt with my share of issues with DS, but this is a new one to me and honestly don't know how to approach it with her or possibly her teachers. Any advice would be TERRIFIC!! (if I can figure out how to find my post again =)) Thanks, Jo

Hi Jo!
First of all, there is a little icon on the lower left corner of your orignial post that says:'Email Post'

You can click it and the 'This post and all replies' option, and any responses will go to your mailbox.

Second, this is not at all unusual. You should be glad that she has enough 'social sense' to know and care what other people are thinking about her reading. She may be wrong, or she may be reading deeply rooted feelings from her teacher. If possible, find her an educational setting where the teacher is well aware that reading 4 year olds exist, and 'gets' them.

It isn't up to your 4 year old to self-advocate. It's up to the adults to 'see' her for who she is and make her feel welcome. If you are going to leave her their for the parts that she likes, then you can see if you can jiggle things behind the scenes, but don't load up DD with advice that may well backfire.

Being 'unique' is something that every child will eventually have to face, but most children don't find it a plus.

So glad you found us!
Grinity

Thanks so much, Grinity, for the logistical (LOL!) and sound parenting advice! It's true that I am having a hard time "advocating" - because I feel like they are looking at me like I am making these things up. I am working on that. I didn't advocate enough for my son, so I definitely don't want to make the same mistake twice. Since it is just pre-school, do you think I should just let it go ... not mention anything about her pretending to the teachers? I mean, she'll be starting an entire new year at Montesorri in the fall. I don't want to do anything that will put my daughter on the "spot"? There is a fine line between advocating and putting her in display, so to speak. This is where I am not getting that whole "mommy gut feeling" thing. Call it out in the open or not? Thanks again, Grinity! I really appreciate it!

Since she loves the place, and you feel good about sending her there, I would drop in and 'observe' a bit, and then see if I could let it go.

Others will disagree, and I see their point. My point is not to 'advocate or not advocate' - it's more to move her to an environment that fits or work behind the scenes or let it ride and do enrichment at home. I just don't want you to put it on your DD's shoulders.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

Thank you both so much! I truly appreciate the advice. I really haven't found anyone that I can talk to about this without coming across like an elitist or a pushy mom. I volunteer at the school every month so I will probably mention it casually to the teacher the next time I am in there. And, unfortunately, our teacher is not very enlightened - at least as far as I can tell. Again - thanks so much for the replies! I feel very much at home here already =)

jo

I don't have much advice since I am in a similar position with my three year old. I think she sees that she is different and has also tried to fit in. She even draws and colors differently there to be more like the other children. I am not sure what to do. She doesn't seem to be miserable. She is a very social girl so loves seeing other kids.

I, too, was in a similar spot about DD's preschool. She seemed to be happy but was just not herself. She was the baby of the class and the teachers treated her as such and she played the role. DD is a very imaginative child and can stay in character for hours on end so it was nothing for her to play the baby part. She pretended she didn't know: letters, colors, how to draw or write, how to speak past 3 word sentences, how to feed herself... the list goes on and on. She was a shell of herself and I was frustrated.

When I finally said something to the teacher she was in complete shock. She had seen no signs of this extraordinary child and I didn't doubt it. I certainly didn't see my DD when I dropped or picked her up from school.

When pondering what to do I looked at under achievement and if it was so important at this age ... it is just preschool isn't it?

The reason it's important is they are shaping their character during this time. The way they interact will start to be established during this age and with that the trying to fit in and under achieving. I knew at this point that we had to do something and we knew that the school (which is a great social program) just was not the right fit for my DD, so we moved her to a more academic setting. Long story short... she is back to my DD. She loves learning again and isn't trying to fit in and perhaps it is because she is being challenged since it is taught in Spanish. With this move we had two major hurdles come up. First one was potty training: My DD absolutely refused to potty train, probably keeping up with the baby image but when she started that school she was placed in the baby class until she was potty trained ... yep that changed her mind and she was potty trained in 2 days. And the other hurdle that shocked me was she came up to me and asked to read. She has been our sneaky reader since before she turned 2. Sight words and brand recognition ... things like that but if we made a big deal about any of it she would clam up. One time while trying to explain to her it is fine that she knows some words and all her letters while in the social program she quickly responded 'NO, kids my age are not suppose to know that.' I still wonder if she overheard the teachers talking about something that led her to that conclusion...now she is coming up to me and asking to read. Huge differences and validation for us on changing her school.

MandM,

I have an adopted gifted daughter, too (adopted from Russia and is now 8)!

This may be a long-term issue. I myself remember DELIBERATELY answering questions wrong on a test on which I ended being the top scorer.

We are wise to let our kids know about being gifted right away, and how they may be tempted to "hide" their brightness. Your daughter is so young, I wouldn't worry too much about it now. She may grow out of this shyness. On the other hand, as she progresses in school, she definitely needs to be told how wonderful it is to be gifted, how many people may benefit from her gifts etc.