Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Is it worth it?

Is it worth all the trouble, expense and upset to push for accommodation for our son at school, or should I just leave the situation alone? Will he be OK if I do nothing? After all, no one advocated for me when I was a kid, and it was hard sometimes, but I turned out OK... eventually...

Just not sure if we're doing the right thing...

We finally got the LEA to accept my DS6's evaluation as valid and are shortly moving on to the IEP phase. It took hours of research, tons of phone calls, uncomfortable looks from the staff, mulitple hoop jumps and many sleepless nights.... I'm just at the beginning and for me it's a definite YES!

Of course I'm coming from a state with some pretty strong mandates for gifted, so I feel like it will all pay off in the end. And I just keep in mind that I'm helping to create one more competent person in the world. We surely need more of those

If your child was disabled, wouldn't you advocate for the best treatment? In my mind it's the same thing.

Thanks... good things for me to think about, and ask myself.

My experience was different than my son's, in that I was a compliant child. I never made trouble, but I coasted through school and never learned to work hard, and when I hit university, it was a shock. My mother was a single parent, and although she knew I was smart, she let me be... I wasn't being disruptive, wasn't too unhappy, and she was busy with 5 other kids.

My son is much more gregarious and lively. I think he's more gifted, also. Most of all I want him not to coast by like I did. I want him to fulfill his potential. I'm just concerned that my bulldozing through these educational road blocks will upset his relationship with his teacher or his friends, or make him feel like a freak. He's my perfect little boy, and I just want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and make sure nothing bad happens to him, ever!

Originally Posted By: master of none
If you don't have a sense of what is important to you, you are at a loss. So, if you are wondering, consider your own (and your child's) values. Do you value "fitting in" or "making the best of it"? If so, your child will learn how to deal using their best coping and advocacy probably isn't in your future. Maybe those were the values of your parents. If you value "hard work for it's own sake" or "reaching potential", then advocacy might be needed.

In either case, the public school should allow the individual child and family to make the choice for themselves.

Some kids are ok with it and some are not. Hind sight, both my brother and I were unidentified GT with no accomodations. I was depressed my entire elementary school career and just thought I was a freak. All my energy was thrown into OEs and socially blending. Even someone acknowledging why I felt different at the time would have been huge. I wildly underachieved. When I got to high school, I discovered honors classes and I did those and did well with little effort. My brother, to this day is underachieving. I learned a lot when I went to a huge tech school with freshman calc classes that would regularly fail out half the class. I still got A's, but darnit, I had to put forth some effort.

Anyway, I feel my childhood was marred by not having this information and at least some acknowledgment of the situation. My husband had a similar situation - unidentified GT kid. NEVER EVER studied. College was a big shock for him. Did we turn out ok? Yes, but not without some very painful lessons that would have been better learned much much sooner. This has led us down the path of homeschooling our own kids.

If your child is happy and challenged somewhere in his life, then I wouldn't worry too much. If he hates school, hates learning, and isn't a good fit in his current situation, it's probably time to make a change. I think parents know their own kids and situations best.

I wrote a response twice but deleted them, so without going into to much detail...I agree. I never blended, and for me the lessons were extremely painful.

I don't want it to be ok... eventually...

I think it pays to remember that kids are resiliant. For that reason, I am virtually never swayed by the argument "I went through [some horrible thing] and I turned out okay." Yes, kids survive innumerable indignities, even horrors, and some grow to be well-adjusted adults. That doesn't meant those indignities and horrors are okay though! They turn out okay in spite of the indignities and horrors.

I am completely sympathetic to being unsure about whether to advocate or not, and there's no blanket answer.

IMHO, if your child is unhappy, something probably has to be done. What needs to be done is wide open, but I think unhappiness is a pretty big sign that advocacy is necessary.

Personally, I think that even if your GT child is happy remaining unchallenged at school, you need to at least consider finding ways to keep your child challenged, outside of school if not in school. Many kids who are never challenged have the same problem that kimck's husband: no idea about how to study, no idea about how to handle something that isn't easy. I do not think this is a desireable result.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if your child isn't challenged in school, then I think the only option I wouldn't recommend is doing nothing at all. Advocate, afterschool, check other schooling options...but just ignoring the problem is not something that seems like a good idea to me, generally speaking.

FWIW...

The Fact is that most ND kids, at least in the US nowadays, are learning to 'apply themselves' to their school work as young as 3rd grade, if not earlier. If I had a choice between my particular child learning to read in college and apply himself in elementary school, or learning to read in elementary school and apply himself in college, I would value 'apply himself' as the more important lifeskill to start learning early.

I didn't feel this way when my son was in First Grade. I was confident that he would do well academically, and my value, very consiously was for him to fit in and be a 'good classroom citizen.' LOL on me for being determined to make that work. I am so grateful that my son taught me, through his behavior, that their are levels of giftedness, and that 'fitting in as best as possible at all costs,' while good enough for me, simply wasn't going to work for him.

He rarely acted out physically, so I don't know why I picture him throwing chairs across the 2nd grade classroom, but in my mental cartoon version of the past, there is me, telling the 2nd grade teacher: 'My main concern is that he learn to be a good classroom citizen' with the teacher nodding enthusiastically and DS in the backround of the picture throwing a chair.

So, some of us learn to advocate inspite of our values. I think life is all about growing and gaining fresh perspectives. I think it took me getting hit with a few 'imaginary chairs' before I remembered what my own elementary experience had been like. I do still value my son being a good classroom citizen, BTW, but post-advocacy (dare I type that?) he is in reasonable fit classrooms, with outside social opportunities, and doesn't have to sacrifice any key parts of himself to fufill that value.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi BinB,
((Humor Alert))
I haven't found that little spot on the bottom of the foot where the star appears when I've done the right thing for parenting, but if someone could post directions for that procedure, I'd be most appreciative. And if that person were kind enough to show me how to read the 'True IQ' that I'm sure must be readable between certian toes, that would be awesome as well!

Seriously, it's a lot to think about, and we don't (ususally) have the luxury of going down to talk to the mom's at the bus stop to help us sort through things.

So maybe post some more on these topics:
What started you on the road to Advocacy in the first place?
How close a fit is his current situation?
Are there extracurriculars that help him strech?
Are there school alternatives?
How 'unusually gifted' is he? (LOG, level of giftedness)
Who are your local supports? (What did the people who did his testing say?)
Does he have older siblings who provide 'in-house cluster grouping'?
Does he have any Adult Mentors who provide informal enrichment?
Is he willing to take risks intellectually, or does he only want to do activities where he can be sure to be the smartest one?
Does he believe that 'Smart = effortless learning' or 'lightening fast?'
What are his preferences regarding school?
Does he like school?
Does he have friends, or any sort?
Is he misbehaving or having physical symptoms?
2E issues?
Wheew!

Smiles,
Grinity