Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Is it worth it?

Is it worth all the trouble, expense and upset to push for accommodation for our son at school, or should I just leave the situation alone? Will he be OK if I do nothing? After all, no one advocated for me when I was a kid, and it was hard sometimes, but I turned out OK... eventually...

Just not sure if we're doing the right thing...

We finally got the LEA to accept my DS6's evaluation as valid and are shortly moving on to the IEP phase. It took hours of research, tons of phone calls, uncomfortable looks from the staff, mulitple hoop jumps and many sleepless nights.... I'm just at the beginning and for me it's a definite YES!

Of course I'm coming from a state with some pretty strong mandates for gifted, so I feel like it will all pay off in the end. And I just keep in mind that I'm helping to create one more competent person in the world. We surely need more of those

If your child was disabled, wouldn't you advocate for the best treatment? In my mind it's the same thing.

Thanks... good things for me to think about, and ask myself.

My experience was different than my son's, in that I was a compliant child. I never made trouble, but I coasted through school and never learned to work hard, and when I hit university, it was a shock. My mother was a single parent, and although she knew I was smart, she let me be... I wasn't being disruptive, wasn't too unhappy, and she was busy with 5 other kids.

My son is much more gregarious and lively. I think he's more gifted, also. Most of all I want him not to coast by like I did. I want him to fulfill his potential. I'm just concerned that my bulldozing through these educational road blocks will upset his relationship with his teacher or his friends, or make him feel like a freak. He's my perfect little boy, and I just want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and make sure nothing bad happens to him, ever!

Originally Posted By: master of none
If you don't have a sense of what is important to you, you are at a loss. So, if you are wondering, consider your own (and your child's) values. Do you value "fitting in" or "making the best of it"? If so, your child will learn how to deal using their best coping and advocacy probably isn't in your future. Maybe those were the values of your parents. If you value "hard work for it's own sake" or "reaching potential", then advocacy might be needed.

In either case, the public school should allow the individual child and family to make the choice for themselves.

Some kids are ok with it and some are not. Hind sight, both my brother and I were unidentified GT with no accomodations. I was depressed my entire elementary school career and just thought I was a freak. All my energy was thrown into OEs and socially blending. Even someone acknowledging why I felt different at the time would have been huge. I wildly underachieved. When I got to high school, I discovered honors classes and I did those and did well with little effort. My brother, to this day is underachieving. I learned a lot when I went to a huge tech school with freshman calc classes that would regularly fail out half the class. I still got A's, but darnit, I had to put forth some effort.

Anyway, I feel my childhood was marred by not having this information and at least some acknowledgment of the situation. My husband had a similar situation - unidentified GT kid. NEVER EVER studied. College was a big shock for him. Did we turn out ok? Yes, but not without some very painful lessons that would have been better learned much much sooner. This has led us down the path of homeschooling our own kids.

If your child is happy and challenged somewhere in his life, then I wouldn't worry too much. If he hates school, hates learning, and isn't a good fit in his current situation, it's probably time to make a change. I think parents know their own kids and situations best.

I wrote a response twice but deleted them, so without going into to much detail...I agree. I never blended, and for me the lessons were extremely painful.

I don't want it to be ok... eventually...

I think it pays to remember that kids are resiliant. For that reason, I am virtually never swayed by the argument "I went through [some horrible thing] and I turned out okay." Yes, kids survive innumerable indignities, even horrors, and some grow to be well-adjusted adults. That doesn't meant those indignities and horrors are okay though! They turn out okay in spite of the indignities and horrors.

I am completely sympathetic to being unsure about whether to advocate or not, and there's no blanket answer.

IMHO, if your child is unhappy, something probably has to be done. What needs to be done is wide open, but I think unhappiness is a pretty big sign that advocacy is necessary.

Personally, I think that even if your GT child is happy remaining unchallenged at school, you need to at least consider finding ways to keep your child challenged, outside of school if not in school. Many kids who are never challenged have the same problem that kimck's husband: no idea about how to study, no idea about how to handle something that isn't easy. I do not think this is a desireable result.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if your child isn't challenged in school, then I think the only option I wouldn't recommend is doing nothing at all. Advocate, afterschool, check other schooling options...but just ignoring the problem is not something that seems like a good idea to me, generally speaking.

FWIW...

The Fact is that most ND kids, at least in the US nowadays, are learning to 'apply themselves' to their school work as young as 3rd grade, if not earlier. If I had a choice between my particular child learning to read in college and apply himself in elementary school, or learning to read in elementary school and apply himself in college, I would value 'apply himself' as the more important lifeskill to start learning early.

I didn't feel this way when my son was in First Grade. I was confident that he would do well academically, and my value, very consiously was for him to fit in and be a 'good classroom citizen.' LOL on me for being determined to make that work. I am so grateful that my son taught me, through his behavior, that their are levels of giftedness, and that 'fitting in as best as possible at all costs,' while good enough for me, simply wasn't going to work for him.

He rarely acted out physically, so I don't know why I picture him throwing chairs across the 2nd grade classroom, but in my mental cartoon version of the past, there is me, telling the 2nd grade teacher: 'My main concern is that he learn to be a good classroom citizen' with the teacher nodding enthusiastically and DS in the backround of the picture throwing a chair.

So, some of us learn to advocate inspite of our values. I think life is all about growing and gaining fresh perspectives. I think it took me getting hit with a few 'imaginary chairs' before I remembered what my own elementary experience had been like. I do still value my son being a good classroom citizen, BTW, but post-advocacy (dare I type that?) he is in reasonable fit classrooms, with outside social opportunities, and doesn't have to sacrifice any key parts of himself to fufill that value.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi BinB,
((Humor Alert))
I haven't found that little spot on the bottom of the foot where the star appears when I've done the right thing for parenting, but if someone could post directions for that procedure, I'd be most appreciative. And if that person were kind enough to show me how to read the 'True IQ' that I'm sure must be readable between certian toes, that would be awesome as well!

Seriously, it's a lot to think about, and we don't (ususally) have the luxury of going down to talk to the mom's at the bus stop to help us sort through things.

So maybe post some more on these topics:
What started you on the road to Advocacy in the first place?
How close a fit is his current situation?
Are there extracurriculars that help him strech?
Are there school alternatives?
How 'unusually gifted' is he? (LOG, level of giftedness)
Who are your local supports? (What did the people who did his testing say?)
Does he have older siblings who provide 'in-house cluster grouping'?
Does he have any Adult Mentors who provide informal enrichment?
Is he willing to take risks intellectually, or does he only want to do activities where he can be sure to be the smartest one?
Does he believe that 'Smart = effortless learning' or 'lightening fast?'
What are his preferences regarding school?
Does he like school?
Does he have friends, or any sort?
Is he misbehaving or having physical symptoms?
2E issues?
Wheew!

Smiles,
Grinity

Define: Accommodation for our son

A lot depends on what you want, what the school can provide, and what is best for your son. Are you looking for differentiated lesson plans or radical acceleration or something in between?

Grinity: A couple of things happened to get me thinking about advocacy. Partly, a relative guilted me into it (�And what have you done for DS at school? You can�t let him just vegetate there�). Then DS complained that he already knows everything they do in 1st grade, six weeks into the year. Then our parent/teacher conference was kind of weird � the teacher glossed over his achievements, and focused on how he can�t get his assignments finished in the allotted time (coloring and writing practice, mainly). And getting him to do his homework is a challenge, because it�s �boring.� He says he gets distracted in class, and he does at home, too � basically he wastes time searching around the room for anything more interesting than writing in his journal or spelling practice.

I�m not sure of his LOG... all the theory and terminology is new to me... but I did read Ruf�s estimates and he seems around level 4. I asked to have him tested through the school, but they only test if they suspect a learning disability (which I think is discriminatory and wrong, but that�s another story). They did recommend an educational psychologist, but she specializes in learning disabilities and psychological problems, not giftedness (and is expensive!) so I am reluctant to go there.

His behavior in school is not ideal, but it�s not terrible... mainly it�s that he doesn�t concentrate on anything he thinks is boring, and he tends to distract other kids by talking and joking with them instead of working. It�s disruptive, yes, but it�s not violent or anything and he is a lovely, happy, sensitive little boy most of the time.

He is underachieving, though, and that is my main concern.

Kcab: I did some thinking about whether it�s worth pushing *at this time* and I�ve decided to back off a bit to see how the situation develops. We are giving him plenty of stimulating activities at home, and he seems happy enough for now. But I will continue my research and perhaps talk to a few different schools, just in case things change and we need to reassess.

Plus, today DS told me that a 3rd grader came to his class to teach a few of them chess. So, yay! Maybe things are looking up. And I won�t have to be �that parent� for a while longer.

Does he already know the spelling words? If he's a level 4, boy, I'd be bored sick too, academically speaking.

That could be the main reason for underachieving. My DD got to the point of why bother...

Hi, Melissa -- yes, he spells better than most adults I know. The rote practicing of stuff he already knows well kind of gets to him... I don't want the underachieving to become a way of life.

Thanks BinB, that helps a lot! If he's 'around' a level 4, there are really only a few neighborhoods in the US were that is a common enough occurance that you can expect any leadership at all from the school. Maybe you live in one of those areas? Silicon Valley?

If you can manage it, look them straight in the eye, and hand them a paper that says: I suspect a learning disability (Is Disgraphia causing his to write to slowly?)please start testing for suspected learning disabilities.

Very Sad, but this is a little bit of theatre that seems to be nescessary these days.

I wouldn't pay money out of pocket to have your child tested until you can locate a tester who is VERY familiar with all the levels of giftedness. LOG is a pretty new concept, so you have to say: 'Do you have lots of experience with testing very unusually gifted kids?' in an innocent sounding voice, even though you are cringing on the inside because you've been so well trained to try and not stand out.

Try this link to see if you are nearby anyone who has been nominated to the Hoagie's list - http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/psychologists.htm#uca

Or perhaps there is a friend or relative in a different part of the country that you are overdue for a visit?

Having someone on your side can be a great comfort as you try and process that what was done to you really wasn't ok, and you really do want something better for your child. In a way, I think it's best to have both perspectives at the same time: A)Something Must Change! and B) He'll be Fine Eventually! It drives my DS13 crazy when I talk this way, but there is a lot of wisdom of holding onto BOTH views. (IMHO - LOL!)

You can always wait for your son to start misbehaving in school, and then the school will get really active and tell you he has ADHD and be willing-maybe- to do the testing, and be willing - maybe - to give him a gradeskip or more appropriate work. But by then they think he really is a bad child, and why should they put themselves out for a smartalek kid like that? I don't want to scare you, but I've been down that road, and it's no picnic. It leaves a child deeply confused about themselves and face to face with some rather scary truths about human nature that I wish I could have protected my son from for about 10 more years.

Love and More Love,
Grinity